)IUMOURjST'S 


OWN    BOOK 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


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AVITAI.  JOKE. 


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THK    BOX-MOT. 


KEY  ^VCrrJ  BIDOt.K 

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THE 


HUMOURIST'S 

OWN  BOOK: 


A  Cabinet  of  Original  and   Selected  Anecdotes, 

Bons  Mots,  Sports  of  Fancy,  and 

Traits  of  Character: 


TO    FURNISH   OCCASION   FOR   REFLECTION  AS 
WELL  AS  MIRTH. 


BY 

€i]t  ^utljor  of  ti)c  Young  fHan's  ©ten  Boott. 

PHILADELPHIA: 

KEY    AND    BIDDLE, 

23    Minor  Street. 


From  this  book  every  thing  has  been  ex- 
cluded which  is  unfit  for  reading  at  the  family 
fireside. 


Entered  according  to  the  act  of  congress,  in  the  year 
1833,  by  Key  &  Biddle,  in  the  clerk's  office  of  the  district 
court  of  the  eastern  district  of  Pennsylvania. 


Philadelphia, 

Printed  by  James  Kay,  Jun.  Sc  Co. 

Race  above  4th  Street. 


JJreeate. 


The  compiler  of  the  following  work  is 
among  those  who  believe  that  the  occasional 
indulgence  in  sallies  of  wit  and  sports  of 
fancy  is  not  only  perfectly  innocent,  but  en- 
tirely compatible  with  true  manliness  and  dig- 
nity of  character.  He  has  not  formed  this  con- 
clusion hastily ;  but,  from  a  pretty  extensive  ob- 
servation, he  believes  himself  able  to  pronounce, 
that  men  of  the  highest  intellect  in  the  various 
professions  and  circles  of  society,  are  generally 
characterized  by  a  strong  relish  for  humour,  and 
a  fondness  for  observing  traits  of  originality  and 
eccentricity.  Indeed,  it  may  be  considered  a 
pretty  well  established  fact,  that  a  fine  stroke  of 
humour — a  fair  hit — finds  a  ready  reception 
with  the  learned  and  the  illiterate,  the  grave 
and  the  gay,  the  young  and  the  old,  or,  in  other 
words,  approves  itself  to  the  common  sense  of 
mankind. 


IV  PREFACE. 

Most  of  the  compilations  of  anecdotes,  how- 
ever, are  rendered  unfit  for  the  perusal  of  a  pure 
minded  and  modest  young  man  by  the  frequent 
recurrence  of  indelicate  allusions  and  profane 
expressions.  It  was  for  this  reason  that  the 
publishers  of  the  Young  Man's  Own  Book 
formed  the  design  of  a  work  of  a  suitable  cha- 
racter for  young  persons,  and  committed  to  the 
Author  the  task  of  preparing  it.  In  accomplish- 
ing this,  it  has  been  his  principal  care  to  intro- 
duce such  anecdotes  only  as  were  distinguished 
by  genuine  wit  or  humour ;  a  striking  moral ; 
a  fair  stroke  of  satire  at  some  vice  or  folly  ;  or 
an  exhibition  of  some  original  or  noble  trait  of 
character :  and  he  has  been  equally  solicitous 
to  exclude  from  the  collection  whatever  may  be 
offensive  to  true  modesty  or  sound  morality. 

He  will  consider  himself  singularly  fortunate 
if  his  humble  efforts  should  contribute  in  any 
measure  towards  establishing  the  young  men  of 
the  present  age  in  the  belief  which  seems,  in- 
deed, to  be  daily  gaining  ground  among  them, 
viz.  that  there  may  be  such  a  thing  as  genuine 
wit  without  the  slightest  tincture  of  profanity  or 
impurity. 


iKTontcntis. 


Whitfield, 

1 

Casting  Reflections, 

2 

Union  of  Literary  Compositions, 

2 

Pun  by  the  Ettrick  Shepherd, 

3 

Daft  Wilhe  Law, 

3 

The  Dead  Ahve, 

4 

March  of  Intellect, 

6 

Scarcity  of  Asses, 

7 

Fighting  Quaker, 

7 

Timber  to  Timber, 

8 

Schoolboy's  Questions, 

8 

Columbus, 

8 

Take  away  the  Fowls, 

9 

Making  a  Scotchman, 

9 

A  poor  Mouthful, 

10 

Preaching  and  Prophesying, 

10 

Church  Candidates, 

11 

Pleasant  prospect, 

11 

Patriotic  Integrity, 

12 

Free  Trade  to  the  Lawyers, 

12 

No  Sinecure, 

12 

Allan  Ramsay, 

. 

12 

Peter  Pindar, 

13 

VI  CONTENTS. 

Face  of  Brass,  .  .  .13 

Tak'  tent,  ....        13 

Antiquity  of  the  Campbellg,  .  14 

Tax  on  Bachelors,  .  .  .14 

Anecdote  of  the  Shorter  Catechism,  14 

Taken  by  Surprise,  .  .  .15 

The  Author  of  Waverly,         .  .  15 

Reasons  for  the  Scotch  being  Great  Smug- 
glers, .  .  .  15 
Vixerat  Christo,  .  .  .16 
How  to  Pay  for  a  Farm,  .  .  16 
Toast  of  a  Scotch  Pier,  .  .  18 
Spinning  a  Text,  .  .  18 
At  my  Wit's  End,  ...  19 
Hang  Together  if  you  would  not  Hang  Se- 
parately, .  .  •  .19 
A  good  Customer,  ...  19 
Strange  Prayer,  .  .  .20 
Exported  and  Transported  defined,  20 
A  word  to  Snuif  Takers,  .  .  20 
G.  F.  Cooke,  ...  21 
Living  without  Brains,  .  .  21 
Dr  Hugh  Blair,  ...  21 
Dry  in  Church,  ...  22 
Origin  of"  Uncle  Sam,"  .  .  22 
Lord  Monboddo,  .  .  .24 
Parochial  Visitations,  .  .  24 
Learned  Divine,  .  .  .25 
Life  Insurance,  ...  25 
A  Good  Reason,  .  .  .26 
Light  as  Possible,  .  .  26 
Rustic  Ignorance,  .  .  .26 
A  Profitable  blunder,  .  .  27 
Bon- Mots  of  the  Honourable  Henry  Ers- 

kine,         ....  27 

William  Penn,  ...        29 


CONTENTS. 


VII 


Pleasing  the  Young  Laird, 

Hanging  to  Please  the  Laird, 

A  Toast, 

Two  Lawyers'  Mistake, 

Misspelling  of  Sign  Posts, 

David  Hume, 

Irishman's  Answer, 

Absence  of  Mind, 

Curious  Typographical  Anecdote, 

Mots  of  Sir  Walter  Scott, 

Good  Book-keepers, 

Testaments, 

Dr  Johnson's  Pudding, 

Stuttering  Letter, 

Living  in  an  Oven, 

Metaphysics, 

Hanging  Toorether, 

Anecdote  of  Sibbald,  Editor  of  Chronicles 

of  Scottish  Poetry, 
The  Advantage, 
A  Good  Excuse, 
A  Dovetailer  of  Sermons, 
Calculation, 

Where  you  ought  to  have  been. 
As  Deep  in  the  Mud  as  I  was  in  the  Mire, 
Old  Acquaintance,  .* 

Nae  Motive, 
Judge  Peters, 
Robert  Burns, 
Marquis  of  Montrose, 
Scotch  Judge, 
The  President's  Guard, 
Who  was  Jesse  ? 
March  of  Intellect, 
Kind  Permission, 
Love  your  Enemies, 


Vlll  CONTENTS. 

Anecdote  of  Burns, 
Style  of  Dr  Johnson, 
Henry  Clay, 
How  to  Make  a  Doctor, 
Comedy  and  Tragedy  Exchanged, 
Duke  of  Argyll, 
Unacceptable  Gratitude, 
Amor  Patrise, 
Poor  Man  of  Mutton, 
City  Habits, 
Mutatis  Mutandis, 
A  Pun  Whistled, 
Hugo  Arnot, 
Nothing  Remarkable, 
Anecdotes  of  Speaking  out  in  Churches, 
Mrs  Richard  Shubrick, 
Miss  Flint, 
Bannockburn, 
Pleasure  and  Pain, 
Pun  upon  Pun, 
The  British  Lion, 

Os  Tuum,         .... 
Staymakers, 

A  poor  Mouthful  for  a  Gourmand, 
Accusation  and  Acquittal, 
King  James  I.,  .  .  . 

Anecdotes  of  the  Battle  of  Trafalgar, 
Highland  Ancestry, 
Good  Returned  for  Evil, 
Reproof,  .... 

Woman's  Wisdom, 
Henry  Clay, 
Electioneering, 
Prejudice  Reconciled, 
Mercantile  Indigestion,  with  the  Prescrip- 
tions of  an  Edinburgh  Professor,  66 


CONTENTS. 


George  Schaffer  and  the  Salamander  Hat 

A  Scotch  Answer, 

Let  Sleeping  Dogs  Lie, 

Acute  Criticism, 

Pittsburgh  unknown  at  Leghorn 

Summer  and  Winter, 

Criticism, 

Lord  Kaimes, 

Powder  and  Balls, 

Anecdote  of  Burns, 

The  Battle  of  the  Pot, 

Wit  by  Marriage, 

Female  Patriotism, 

Apologies  for  Shabbiness, 

Reproof  from  the  Pulpit, 

Meg  Dods, 

Washington's  Friendship  for  Gen.  Knox 

Bishop  Leighton, 

Bons  Mots  of  a  brother  of  T.  Campbell 

The  Lost  Wig, 

President  Monroe, 

Lachrymal  Canals, 

The  Duchess  of  Newcastle, 

At  your  Service, 

The  American  Soldier, 

Purgatory, 

Other  Irons  in  the  Fire, 

Greedy  in  Letters, 

Travelling  Post, 

The  Hat, 

Selling  Lands, 

A  Warlike  Prelate, 

Cross  Answers, 

Charles  the  Second's  Pockets 

Punishment  of  Theft, 

Generosity  of  La  Fayette, 


CONTENTS. 


Pun  upon  Pun, 

Charles  Matthews, 

Making  Free, 

John  Hancock, 

Historical  Doubts, 

Stocks  Low, 

Hanging  for  Fashion's  Sake, 

Judicial  Integrity, 

Time  Enough, 

Posts  and  Railing, 

Superficial  Knowledge, 

Dr  Spring  of  Watertown, 

I  wish  I  could, 

Lenthall,  the  Speaker, 

Exhumation  of  the  Regicides 

Dr  Lathrop, 

Sir  Isaac  Newton, 

Good  Substitute  for  Law, 

Charles  II.,  . 

General  Washington's  Motion, 

Peter  the  Great 

Judge  Jeffries, 

Sheridan  and  the  Westminster  Voter 

Names  alter  Things, 

Buckingham  and  Sir  Robert  Viner. 

A  Bully, 

The  Bellows-Blower, 

Military  Pride, 

Lord  Kenyon, 

Benefit  of  Stammering, 

A  Match  for  Sheridan, 

Building  Horses, 

Good  Manners, 

A  Monarch  in  Fault, 

An  East  Indian  Major  Longbow, 

The  American  Eagle, 


CONTENTS. 

XI 

Foote  and  the  Earl  of  Kelly, 

110 

The  Greatest  Bore  in  London, 

110 

Sheridan  upon  Regularity,  with  Notes  by 

the  Earl  of  Guildford, 

110 

A  Compliment  Quizzed, 

111 

The  effects  of  no  Government, 

111 

MrJekyll,       .             -             .             . 

112 

Anchovies  and  Capers, 

112 

Anti-Climax, 

117 

Titles,        ..... 

117 

Mr  Fox's  Estimate  of  the  French  Char- 

acter,        .... 

117 

Upright  Judge,     .... 

118 

Kites,               .... 

118 

Do  you  Smoke,  Sir  ? 

118 

Dr  Franklin  on  Confederation, 

118 

Promising  Candidate, 

119 

A  Friend  in  Need, 

119 

Singular  Stakes, 

120 

Precedency, 

120 

Soldier  and  the  Indian, 

121 

Lord  Richardson  and  the  Carman, 

122 

My  own  Steward, 

123 

Cure  for  Love,      .... 

123 

Indian  Reply, 

123 

A  Pot  I  Carry,      .... 

124 

Grosvenor  House, 

124 

Professional  Obliquity  of  Understanding, 

124 

Wit  in  the  Gallery, 

125 

Female  Intrepidity, 

125 

Favor  and  Sodorini, 

126 

Negro  Wit,            .... 

127 

Whitfield,         .             .             . 

127 

Sheridan  and  Monk  Lewis, 

129 

Name  Recollected, 

130 

Bon  Mot  of  Sir  William  Curtis, 

130 

CONTENTS. 


Consumptive  Appetite,    . 

Commodore  Tucker, 

Fireworks, 

Where  Hurt, 

Bon  Mot  on  a  Tea-Urn, 

Despondency  of  Lord  Cornwallis, 

Curious  Fact, 

Advantage  of  Buttons  on  Lutestring, 

William  IIL,  and  Sergeant  Maynard 

Red  Jacket, 

Two  Reasons  against  the  Pretender, 

A  True  Knowledge  of  Puffing, 

Dr  Butler, 

General  Isaac  Huger, 

West  Indian  Bees, 

Tory  Fireworks, 

Cawdor  and  Corder, 

Count  Rumford, 

Prime  Ministers, 

Queen  Anne's  Batch  of  New  Peers, 

Very  Little  of  its  Age, 

Counsellor  C , 

Joseph  Lancaster, 

Quin, 

Mess-room  Gossip,  • 

Beau  Brummell, 

General  Stark, 

Counsellor  C , 

The  Wharfingers, 
Ludicrous  Mistake,     . 
Punning  Flattery, 
If  You  can,  I  cannot, 
Militia  Fine, 
Good  Exchange, 
A  Complication  of  Disorders, 
Stake  versus  Steak,    . 


Deny  every  Thing  and  insist  upon  Proof, 

Hypercriticism, 

Appropriate  Illustrations, 

Distinction  between  a  Lord  and  a  Gentle 


A  Lawyer  cannot  be  too  Barefaced, 

A  Fashionable  Bonnet, 

Sharp  enough  already, 

Venetian  Blinds, 

Lord  Loughborough, 

A  Little  More, 

National  Paradoxes, 

A  Trifler, 

A  Hard  Run, 

A  Moving  Discourse, 

Laugh  and  Grow  Fat, 

Duke  of  Buckingham, 

Short  Prayers, 

Three  uses  of  one  Word, 

Amiable  Compassion, 

Revolutionary  Anecdote 

How  to  Pay  a  Doctor's  Bill, 

Reason  to  be  Thankful, 

Wilkes,  .        _     . 

Dean  Swift's  Opinion  of  Faults, 

The  Mother  of  General  Greene, 

Inscription  for  an  Apothecary, 

Counsel's  Opinion, 

Playing  the  Fool, 

Sheridan, 

Impartiality, 

Writing  down  a  Character, 

Drawings  of  Cork, 

Religion  of  Sea  Chaplains, 

A  Scotch  Moon, 

Bachelor's  Revenge. 


CONTENTS. 


New  Meaning  of  the  word  Remonstrate, 

A  Bridle  for  the  Tongue, 

Lord  Holland  and  the  Chairman, 

Original  Anecdote, 

Rehearsing  a  Funeral, 

Best  Sort  of  Language  for  the  Pulpit 

Poverty  a  Virtue, 

Anecdote  of  Joe  Miller, 

Lord  Norbury, 

A  Patriot  Preacher,     . 

Technical  Remark, 

Sheridan  and  the  Great  Seal, 

Laughable  Misprint, 

Sheridan  and  Lord  Thurlow, 

Siamese  Twins, 

Rival  Shoemakers, 

Edinburgh  Castle, 

Lord  Bateman, 

Anser  Capitolinus, 

Popular  Explanation, 

Sergeant  Prince, 

Unattackable, 

Biblical  Comment, 

Danger  of  doing  Homage, 

Slanting  Rain, 

Sheridan's  Greek, 

Sheridan  and  Cumberland, 

Whimsical  Pun, 

Mountain  Anecdote, 

Traveller's  Direction, 

Long  Bit, 

Saddlewise, 

No  Stranger  of  Me, 

Nimrod  and  Ramrod, 

Doctor  Franklin, 

Pressing  Reason, 


Purgatory, 

Little  Money, 

Anecdote  of  Sheridan, 

Eccentricity  of  a  Dog, 

Bow  Street  Bon  Mot, 

Breaking  up  of  a  Nursery, 

Wit  of  a  Resurrectionist, 

A  Yorkshire  Eating  Match,    . 

Mistake  of  the  Press, 

All  Gone  Out, 

Matrimony, 

Difference  between  Whigs  and  Tories, 

The  Pretender's  Health, 

Washington,     . 

No  Pay  no  Pray, 

More  than  I  can  Swallow, 

Giving  up  the  Ghost, 

No  Voice  in  the  City, 

A  Double  Entendre, 

Such  Sparks  as  You, 

Actor  of  One  Part, 

Sheridan  and  the  Play-Writer, 

The  Esquimaux  Women, 

Benefit  of  the  Sprin^^s, 

Etymologists, 

A  Simple  Machine  out  of  Order, 

Toasting  Cloth,     . 

Mr  Abernethy, 

Bread,        .... 

Inestimable  Value  of  a  Tail, 

Typographical  Wit, 

Stock-jobbers, 

Courage, 

A  Shp  of  the  Tongue, 

Game,        .... 

Short  days  and  long  nights, 


CONTENTS, 


Excellency  and  Highness, 

Best  Body  of  Divinity, 

DrParr,    . 

Justice, 

A  new  Character, 

The  Tragic  Barber,     . 

John  Taylor, 

How  to  Catch  an  Owl, 

Saving  One's  Bacon, 

Building  Castles  in  the  Air, 

Politeness, 

The  left  handed  Lady, 

Funeral  Service, 

Judge  Burnet, 

Street  Sweeper,   . 

A  Standing  Joke, 

Anecdote, 

Sharp  Repartee, 

Reason  for  Weeping, 

Patience, 

No  Bad  Exchange, 

Anagram, 

Extreme  Unction, 

Flying  Colours, 

Bon  Mot  of  Nelson, 

Anecdote  of  Quin, 

A  Cogent  Reason  for  not  Marrying, 

I  myself  am  Carlini, 

Honesty  too  Dear, 

Kindness  of  a  Carpenter, 

Gratitude, 

Bacchanalian  Inquest, 

An  Outline, 

Dr  Bentley,     . 

Striking  Likeness, 

Lord  Bolingbroke, 


CONTENTS. 


xvu 


Lightning  and  Lotteries, 

What's  in  a  name, 

Great  Encouragement, 

New  Reading  in  Horace, 

Punning  Competition, 

Almanacs, 

Naval  Pun, 

False  Report, 

Diverting  Vagabond, 

Pluralities, 

John  Kemble, 

Like  the  Ministry, 

A  Bonne  Bouche, 

Ready  Money  Legacy, 

Equity, 

Ben  Barrett, 

No  Deep  Play,      . 

Philology, 

Johnson  and  Rousseau, 

Good  Advertisement, 

Total  Abstinence, 

Fellow  Feeling, 

Striking  Analogy, 

Tlie  Fast  Day, 

A  Friend  in  Need, 

A  Serious  Repartee, 

Tillotson, 

Soot  and  Religion, 

Anecdote  of  George  IL 

Wit  in  a  Hobnail, 

Captain  Pierce,     . 

The  Benevolent  Widow, 

Coats  and  Arms, 

ElweSjthe  Miser, 

Cause  and  Eflcct, 

A  Bore, 


Not  a  bad  Hit,      . 

Cutting  both  Ways, 

Infidel  wit  repelled, 

A  Disconsolate  House, 

New  Oppositionist, 

Fox  and  Sheridan, 

Nerves, 

Logical  Illustration, 

Substance  and  Shadow, 

Professional  Enthusiasm, 

Sycophancy  Caricatured, 

What's  a'  the  Hurry, 

A  New  Translation, 

A  Traveller's  Bull, 

The  Blind  and  the  Blind, 

Sympathy, 

A  Circuitous  Lie, 

Ben  Johnson, 

The  Quack  Doctor, 

Charming  Condescension, 

The  Miser, 

Editorial  Dilemma, 

A  Dirty  Witness, 

Epigram, 

Duchess  of  Marlborough, 

Long  Pause, 

Quackery, 

General  Wolfe, 

Amendment  amended, 

Real  Danger, 

Professional  Blindness, 

Speaking  Oysters, 

Counsellor  Dunning, 

George  I., 

Richard  Cromwell, 

Dr  South, 


CONTENTS. 


Severe  Retort, 

All's  Well, 

Eccentric  Recommendation, 

Holiday, 

The  Blood  of  Cromwell, 

Charles  II.  and  Rochester, 

Dreadful  Ghost  Story, 

Dunninor  Extraordinary, 

James  II.  and  Waller, 

Dr  Johnson, 

March  of  Politeness, 

Gas, 

Hackney  Coachman, 

No  Reason  to  Remove, 

Exclusive  Plumber, 

Charles  II., 

Psalms, 

Foote, 

Reformation, 

Invisible  and  Incomprehensible, 

Erskine  and  Jekyll, 

Irish  Circumlocution, 

Good  Reason, 

Johnson  and  Boswell, 

Insurance, 

Boswell  and  Johnson, 

Either  Way,    . 

Conjuror  and  no  Conjuror, 

Benevolence  of  George  III. 

Sir  John  Millicent, 

The  Fishmonger, 

Reasonable  Fear, 

The  Blessings  of  Trial  by  Jury, 

The  Brewer, 

Lord  Shaftesbury, 

Slave  Trade, 


CONTENTS. 


Grood  Repartee, 

New  way  to  pay  Old  Debts, 

Bruising  Match, 

Smart  Report, 

The  Rising  Generation, 

Orthography, 

The  Miser's  Advice, 

Advertisement, 

The  Worst  of  all  Crimes, 

Welsh  Tourists, 

Charity  known  by  its  Fruits, 

Selden, 

Trade, 

Sensibility, 

Gratifying  Reflection, 

Lord  Clonmel, 

Alderman  Wood, 

Mathematical  Wind, 

Bon  Mot  of  George  IV., 

Welsh  Gentility, 

Bigger  than  London, 

Your  Birth, 

Taxes, 

Unexpected  Interpretation, 

One  Exception, 

Memorable  sayings  of  Kosciusko 

Go  to  Brighton, 

Out  of  Place, 

Curtailed, 

A  Good  Move,     . 

Quizzical  but  not  Quizzable, 

Fashionable  Dinner  Hour, 

Lord  Erskine, 

Smart  Repartee, 

The  Infernal  Machine, 

Anecdote  from  Corinne, 


CONTENTS. 


Attention, 

A  Friendly  Wish, 

Conjectural  Knowledge, 

Proof,  .... 

James  the  Second's  Single  Good  Thin 

Female  Courage, 

Dr  Friend, 

Sir  Richard  Jebb, 

Best  Upper  Leather, 

Dffldalus,         .... 

An  Anonymous  Letter, 

DrRadchffo, 

Lord  Sandwich,    . 

Old  Bailey  Wit, 

Valuable  Evidence, 

A  Good  Understanding, 

Waterloo  Medal, 

Bold  Reply,     .... 

A  Good  Sort  of  Man, 

Instinct  of  a  Bird, 

Time  at  Royal  Discretion, 

Unpleasant  Compliment, 

Paint,         .... 

Condescension  in  Love, 

Intelligence  of  Birds, 

Veracity,  .... 

Take  Advice, 

Difference  between  Literal  and  Literary 

Pure  English, 

A  Teacher,      ... 

Proof  of  Sanity, 

But!     . 

Legal  Advice, 

Competition  of  Wonders, 

Rats,  .... 

Lord  Peterborough,     . 


CONTENTS, 


Bon  Mot  of  George  II.,    . 

Pulteney,  Earl  of  Bath, 

Another  of  the  Same, 

Negro  Philosophy, 

Advantages  of  Low  Prices, 

Jacobitism, 

A  Terrible  Thing  Out-terribled, 

Wreckers, 

Moderation, 

Sir  Isaac  Newton, 

Indirect  Answer, 

John  Bunyan, 

Preventive  of  Jealousy, 

Paying  Toll, 

Happiness, 

An  Expedient, 

The  Broom-Seller, 

Wit  on  a  Death-bed, 

Washington's  Punctuality, 

Old,  but  not  to  be  tired  on, 

Another, 

Hole  versus  Darn, 

Retort  Courteous, 

Mist, 

George  III.  and  the  Whigs, 

Definitions, 

The  Miracle, 

Swearing  and  Driving, 

Wholesale  Practice, 

Lady  Hardwicke  and  her  Bailiff. 

Perfection, 

Recovery  of  a  Spendthrift,     . 

Clerical  Preferment, 

State  Affairs, 

Charles  II., 

Ferguson  the  Plotter, 


CONTENTS. 

xxiii 

Delicacy, 

2i)2 

Exanii)le,          .... 

2i)2 

Sir  Francis  Bacon, 

292 

Transposition  of  Syllables,      . 

293 

Who  would  Groan  and  Sweat, 

294 

James  11.,         . 

294 

Eftect  of  Poetry, 

294 

A  Seasonable  Hint, 

2i)4 

Posthumous  Travels, 

294 

Hospitality,      .... 

295 

No  Alternative,     . 

29.5 

Original  Anecdote, 

295 

THE 


Ij^umottn'sfs  (J^ton  iJooft, 


Whitfield. 

Dr  Franklin,  in  his  Memoirs,  bears  witness  to 
the  extraordinary  effect  which  was  produced 
by  Mr  Whitfield's  preaching  in  America ;  and 
relates  an  anecdote  equally  characteristic  of  the 
preacher  and  of  himself.  "  I  happened,"  says 
the  doctor,  "  to  attend  one  of  his  sermons,  in  the 
course  of  which  I  perceived  he  intended  to  finish 
with  a  collection,  and  I  silently  resolved  he 
should  get  nothing  from  me.  I  had  in  my 
pocket  a  handful  of  copper  money,  three  or  four 
silver  dollars,  and  five  pistoles  in  gold.  As  he 
proceeded,  I  began  to  soften,  and  concluded  to 
give  the  copper.  Another  stroke  of  his  oratory 
made  me  ashamed  of  that,  and  determined  me 
to  give  the  silver  ;  and  he  finished  so  admirably, 
that  1  emptied  my  pocket  wholly  into  the  collec- 
tor's dish,  gold  and  all.  At  this  sermon  there 
was  also  one  of  our  club  ;  who  being  of  my  sen- 
timentB  respecting  the  object  of  the  charity,  and 


2  humourist's  own  book. 

suspecting  a  collection  might  be  intended,  had 
by  precaution  emptied  his  pockets  before  he 
came  from  home ;  towards  the  conclusion  of 
the  discourse,  however,  he  felt  a  strong  inclina- 
tion to  give,  and  applied  to  a  neighbour  wha 
stood  near  him  to  lend  him  some  money  for  the 
purpose.  The  request  was  fortunately  made  to 
perhaps  the  only  man  in  the  company  who  had 
the  firmness  not  to  be  affected  by  the  preacher. 
His  answer  was,  '  At  any  other  time,  friend 
Hodgkinson,  I  would  lend  to  thee  freely ;  but 
not  now,  for  thee  seems  to  be  out  of  thy  right 
senses.'  " 


Casting  Reflections. 

In  the  late  Professor  Hill's  class,  the  gilded 
buttons  of  one  of  the  students  happened  to  reflect 
the  rays  of  the  sun  upon  the  Professor's  face, 
who,  as  may  be  supposed,  ordered  the  gentle- 
man to  give  over  throwing  reflections  on  him. 
The  student,  totally  ignorant  of  the  matter,  with 
the  utmost  simplicity  said,  "  That  he  would  be 
the  last  in  the  class  who  would  cast  reflections 
on  the  Professor." 


Union  of  Literary  Compositions. 

At  a  large  literary  party  in  Edinburgh  some 
years  ago,  it  was  mentioned  that  a  certain  well 
known  literary  character  had  written  two  poems, 
one  called  "The  Bible,"  the  other  "The 
Ocean;"  that  he  was  offering  them  to  the  book- 
sellers, who,  however,  would  not  accede  to  his 
terms  of  publication  ;  and  that  the  worthy  au- 
thor was  therefore  puzzled  not  a  little  as  to  what 


HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK.  6 

he  should  do  with  his  productions.  "  Why," 
remarked  a  sarcastic  gentleman,  who  was  pre- 
sent, "  I  think  the  doctor  could  not  do  better 
than  throw  the  one  into  the  other  " 

Pun  by  the  Ettrick  Shepherd. 

Some  literary  and  scientific  gentlemen  one 
day  dined  with  Mr  Hogg  at  his  farm  of  Mont 
Benger,  when  it  was  mentioned  by  some  one, 
as  a  strange  thing,  that  Dr  Parr  should  have 
lately  been  married  in  a  somewhat  clandestine 
way,  and  that  nobody  knew  who  his  wife  was, 
or  any  thing  about  her.  "  Ah,"  said  the  shep- 
herd, "  1  am  afraid  she  must  have  been  a  little 
below  Par.'' 

Daft  Willie  Law 

Was  the  descendant  of  an  ancient  family, 
nearly  related  to  the  famous  John  Law,  of  Lau- 
rieston,  the  celebrated  financier  of  France. 
Willie,  on  that  account,  was  often  spoken  to, 
and  taken  notice  of,  by  gentlemen  of  distinction. 
Posting  one  day  through  Kirkaldy  with  more 
than  ordinary  speed,  he  was  met  by  the  late  Mr 
Oswald,  of  Dunnikier,  who  asked  him  where  he 
was  going  in  such  a  hurry.  "Going!"  says 
Willie,  with  apparent  surprise,  "  I'm  gaen  to 
my  cousin  Lord  Elgin's  burial."  '•  Your  cousin 
Lord  Elgin's  burial,  you  fool ;  Lord  Elgin  's  not 
dead,"  replied  Mr  Oswald.  "  Ah !  diel  ma 
care,"  quoth  Willie,  "  there's  sax  doctors  out  o' 
Embro'  at  'im,  and  they'll  hae  him  dead  afore  I 
win  for'it." 


HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK. 


The  Dead  AUxe. 


Some  hypochondriacs  have  fancied  them- 
selves miserably  afflicted  in  one  way,  and  some 
in  another ;  some  have  insisted  that  they  were 
tea-pots,  and  some  that  they  were  town-clocks  ; 
one  that  he  was  extremely  ill,  and  another  that 
he  was  actually  dying.  But,  perhaps,  none  of 
this  blue-devil  class  ever  matched  in  extrava- 
gance a  patient  of  the  late  Dr  Stevenson,  of 
Baltimore. 

This  hypochondriac,  after  ringing  the  change 
of  every  mad  conceit  that  ever  tormented  a 
crazy  brain,  would  have  it  at  last  that  he  was 
dead,  actually  dead.  Dr  Stevenson  having  been 
sent  for  one  morning  in  great  haste,  by  the  wife 
of  his  patient,  hastened  to  his  bed-side,  where 
he  found  him  stretched  out  at  full  length,  his 
hands  across  his  breast,  his  toes  in  contact,  his 
eyes  and  mouth  closely  shut,  and  his  looks  cada- 
verous. 

"  Well,  sir,  how  do  you  do?  how  do  you  do, 
this  morning.?"  asked  Dr  Stevenson,  in  a  jocu- 
lar way,  approaching  his  bed.  "  How  do  I  do !" 
replied  the  hypochondriac  faintly;  "a  pretty 
question  to  ask  a  dead  man."  ''Dead!"  re- 
plied the  doctor.  "  Yes,  sir,  dead,  quite  dead. 
I  died  last  night  about  twelve  o'clock." 

Dr  Stevenson  putting  his  hand  gently  on  the 
forehead  of  the  hypochondriac,  as  if  to  ascertain 
whether  it  was  cold,  and  also  feeling  his  pulse, 
exclaimed  in  a  doleful  tone, "  Yes,  the  poor  man 
is  dead  enough;  'tis  all  over  with  him,  and  now 
the  sooner  he  can  be  buried  the  better."    Then 


humourist's  own  book.  5 

stepping;  up  to  his  wife,  and  whispering  to  her 
not  to  be  frightened  at  the  measures  he  was 
about  to  take,  he  called  to  the  servant:  "  My 
boy,  your  poor  master  is  dead  ;  and  the  sooner 
he  can  be  put  in  the  ground  the  better.     Run 

to  C m,  for  I  know  he  always  keeps  New 

England  coffins  by  him  ready  made;  and,  do 
you  hear,  bring  a  coffin  of  the  largest  size,  for 
your  master  makes  a  stout  corpse,  and  having 
died  last  night,  and  the  weather  being  warm, 
he  will  not  keep  long." 

Away  went  the  servant,  and  soon  returned 
with  a  proper  coffin.  The  wife  and  family  hav- 
ing got  their  lesson  from  the  doctor,  gathered 
round  him,  and  howled  not  a  little,  while  they 
were  putting  the  body  in  the  coffin.  Presently 
the  pall-bearers,  who  were  quickly  provided, 
and  let  into  the  secret,  started  with  the  hypo- 
chondriac for  the  church-yard.  They  had  not 
gone  far,  before  they  were  met  by  one  of  the 
town's  people,  who  having  been  properly  drilled 
by  Stevenson,  cried  out,  "  Ah,  doctor,  what 
poor  soul  have  you  got  there  ?" 

''Poor  MrB ,"  sighed  the  doctor,  "left 

us  last  night." 

"  Great  pity  he  had  not  left  us  twenty  years 
ago,"  replied  the  other;  "he  was  a  bad  man." 

Presently  another  of  the  townsmen  met  them 
with  the  same  question,  "  And  what  poor  soul 
have  you  got  there,  doctor.''" 

"  Poor    Mr    B ,"    answered    the   doctor 

again,  "  is  dead." 

"Ah!  indeed,"  said  the  other;  "and  so  he 
is  gone  to  meet  his  deserts  at  last." 

"  Oh  villain !"  exclaimed  the  man  in  the 
coifin. 


6  humourist's  own  book. 

Soon  after  this,  while  the  pall-bearers  were 
resting  themselves  near  the  church-yard,  another 
stepped  up  with  the  old  question  again,  *'  What 
poor  soul  have  you  got  there,  doctor?" 

''  Poor  Mr  B ,"  he  replied,  "  is  gone." 

"  Yes,  and  to  the  bottomless  pit,"  said  the 
other ;  "for  if  he  is  not  gone  there,  I  see  not 
what  use  there  is  for  such  a  place."  Here  the 
dead  man,  bursting  off  the  lid  of  the  coffin, 
which  had  been  purposely  left  loose,  leaped  out, 
exclaiming,  "  Oh  you  villain  !  I  am  gone  to  the 
bottomless  pit,  am  I  ?  Well,  I  am  come  back 
again,  to  pay  such  ungrateful  rascals  as  you 
are."  A  chase  was  immediately  commenced, 
by  the  dead  man  after  the  living,  to  the  petrify- 
ing consternation  of  many  of  the  spectators,  at 
sight  of  a  corpse,  in  all  the  horrors  of  the  winding 
sheet,  running  through  the  streets.  After  hav- 
ing exercised  himself  into  a  copious  perspira- 
tion by  the  fantastic  race,  the  hypochondriac 
was  brought  home  by  Dr  Stevenson,  freed  from 
all  his  complaints;  and  by  strengthening  food, 
generous  wine,  cheerful  company,  and  mode- 
rate exercise,  was  soon  restored  to  perfect 
health. 


March  of  Intellect. 

A  beggar  some  time  ago  applied  for  alms  at 
the  door  of  a  partizan  of  the  Anti-begging  So- 
ciety. After  in  vain  detailing  his  manifold 
sorrows,  the  inexorable  gentleman  peremptorily 
dismissed  him.  '*  Go  away,"  said  he,  "  go,  we 
canna  gie  ye  naething."  "  You  might  at  least," 
replied  the  mendicant,  with  an  air  of  arch  dig- 
nity, "  have  refused  me  grammatically." 


HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK. 


Soar  city  of  Asses. 

The  Reverend  Mr  Thorn  of  Govan,  riding 
home  from  Paisley,  on  a  particular  occasion, 
came  up  with  two  gentlemen,  heritors  of  his 
parish,  who  had  lately  been  made  justices  of  the 
peace.  They,  seeing  him  well  mounted,  as  usu- 
al, were  determined  to  pass  a  joke  on  him,  and 
accosted  him  thus  : — "  Well,  Mr  Tliom,  you 
are  very  unlike  your  master ;  for  he  was  con- 
tent to  ride  on  an  ass."  "An  ass,"  says  Mr 
Thorn,  "  there's  no  sic  a  beast  to  be  gotten  now- 
a  days."  "  Ay,  how's  that .'"  said  they.  "Be- 
cause," replied  Mr  Thom,  "  they  now  make 
them  a.'  justices  of  thejiccice !''' 

Fighting  Quaker. 

In  the  American  war,  a  New-York  trader  was 
chased  by  a  small  French  privateer,  and  having 
four  guns  with  plenty  of  small  arms,  it  was 
agreed  to  stand  a  brush  with  the  enemy  rather 
than  be  taken  prisoners.  Among  several  other 
passengers  was  an  athletic  quaker,  who  though 
he  withstood  every  solicitation  to  lend  a  hand, 
as  being  contrary  to  his  religious  tenets,  kept 
walking  backwards  and  forwards  on  the  deck, 
without  any  apparent  fear,  the  enemy  all  the 
time  pouring  in  their  shot.  At  length,  the  vess- 
els having  approached  close  to  each  other,  a 
disposition  to  board  was  manifested  by  the 
French,  which  was  very  soon  put  in  execution; 
and  the  quaker  being  on  the  look  out,  unex- 
pectedly sprang  towards  the  first  man  that 
jumped  on  board,  and  grappling  him  forcibly  by 


8  humourist's  own  book. 

the  collar,  coolly  said,  "  Friend,  thou  hast  no 
business  here,"  at  the  same  time  hoisting  him 
over  the  ship's  side. 

Timber  to  Timher. 

At  the  placing  of  MrF-rl-ng,  minister  of  the 
Chapel  of  Ease,  Glasgow,  of  whose  abilities  Mr 
Thom  entertained  no  great  opinion,  when  they 
came  to  that  part  of  the  ceremony  where  the 
hands  are  imposed,  the  other  members  of  the 
presbytery  were  making  room  for  Mr  Thom, 
that  he  might  get  forward  his  band  on  the  head 
of  Mr  F-rl-ng  likewise .?  but  Mr  Thom,  keeping 
at  a  distance,  said,  "  Na,  na,  timmer  to  timmer 
will  do  weel  enough,"  laying  his  staff  on  the 
head  of  the  new  divine. 


Schoolboy's  Questions. 

Three  boys  at  school ,  learn  in  g  their  catechism , 
the  one  asked  the  other  how  far  he  had  got.?  to 
which  he  answered,  "  I'm  at  a  state  o'  sin  and 
misery."  He  then  asked  another  what  length 
he  was  ?  to  which  he  replied,  "I'm  just  at  effec- 
tual calling."  They  were  both  anxious,  of 
course,  to  learn  how  far  he  was  himself,  and  hav- 
ing asked  him,  he  answered^ "  Past  redemption." 

Columbus. 

When  Columbus,  after  having  discovered 
the  Western  hemisphere,  was,  by  order  of  the 
King  of  Spain,  brought  home  from  America  in 
chains,  the  captain  of  the  ship,  who  was  inti- 
mately acquainted  with  his  character,  his  know- 


HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK.  y 

ledge,  and  his  talents,  offered  to  free  him  from 
his  chains,  and  make  his  passage  as  agreeable 
as  possible.  Columbus  rejected  his  friendly 
offer,  saying,  "Sir,  I  thank  you;  but  these 
chains  are  the  rewards  and  honours  for  my  ser- 
vices, from  my  king,  whom  I  have  served  as 
faithfully  as  my  God ;  and  as  such  I  will  carry 
them  with  me  to  the  grave." 

Take  aicay  the  Fowls. 

A  certain  reverend  gentleman  of  the  city  of 
Edinburgh,  dining  with  a  friend,  the  lady  of 
the  house  desired  the  servant  to  take  away  the 
dish  containing  the /oi^?Z5,  which  she  pronounced 
fools  (as  is  sometimes  done  in  Scotland).  "  I 
presume,  madam,  you  mean  fowls,"  said  Mr 

R ,  very  pompously.     "  Very  well,  be  it 

so,"  said  the  lady  ;  "  take  away  the  fowls,  but 
let  the  fool  remain  !" 

Maldng  a  Scotchman. 

In  the  year  1797,  when  democratic  notions 
ran  high,  it  may  be  remembered  that  the  king's 
coach  was  attacked  as  his  majesty  was  going  to 
the  House  of  Peers.  A  gigantic  Hibernian,  on 
that  occasion,  was  conspicuously  loyal  in  repel- 
ling the  mob.  Soon  after,  to  his  no  small  sur- 
prise, he  received  a  message  from  Mr  Dundas 
to  attend  at  his  office.  He  went,  and  met  with 
a  gracious  reception  from  the  great  man,  who, 
after  prefacing  a  few  encomiums  on  his  active 
loyalty,  desired  him  to  point  out  any  way  in 
which  he  would  wish  to  be  advanced,  his  ma- 
jesty having  particularly  noticed  his  courageous 


10  irUMOURIST''s  OWN  BOOK. 

conduct,  and  being  desirous  to  reward  it.  Pat 
scratched  and  scraped  for  awhile,  half  thunder- 
struck ;  "  The  devil  take  me  if  I  know  what  I'm 
fit  for."  "  Nay,  my  good  fellow,"  cried  Harry, 
"  think  a  moment,  and  dinna  throw  yoursel  out 
o'  the  way  o'  fortun."  Pat  hesitated  a  moment, 
smirking  as  if  some  odd  idea  had  strayed  into 
his  noddle,  "  I'll  tell  you  what,  mister,  make  a 
Scotchman  of  me,  and  by  St  Patrick  there'll  be 
no  fear  of  my  getting  on."  The  minister  gazed 
awhile  at  the  mal-apropos  wit;  "  Make  a  Scotch- 
man of  you,  sir  !  that's  impossible,  for  I  can't 
give  yon  prudence. '" 

A  Poor  Mouthful. 

At  the  examination  of  candidates  for  the 
place  of  schoolmaster  in  a  Scotch  parish,  one 
man  was  desired  to  read  and  translate  Horace's 
ode,  beginning, 

"  Exegi  monumentum  ffire  perennius." 

He  began  thus: — '^ Exegi  monumentum,  I  have 
eaten  up  a  mountain."  "  Stop,"  cried  one  of  the 
examinators,  *'  it  will  be  needless  for  you  to  say 
ony  mair;  after  eating  sic  a  dinner,  this  parish 
wad  be  a  puir  mouthfu'  t'ye.  You  maun  try 
some  wider  sphere." 

Preaching  and  Prophesying. 

A  country  clergyman,  who,  on  Sundays,  is 
more  indebted  to  his  manuscript  than  to  his 
memory,  called  unceremoniously  at  a  cottage, 
while  its  possessor,  a  pious  parishioner,  was 
engaged  (a  daily  exercise)  in  perusing  a  para 


HUiMOURISX's  OWN  BOOK.  11 

graph  of  the  writings  of  an  inspired  Prophet. 
"  Weel,  John,"  familiarly  inquired  tiie  clerical 
visitant,  ''  What's  this  you  are  about .?"  "I  am 
prophesying,"  was  the  prompt  reply.  "Pro- 
phesying!" exclaimed  the  astounded  divine, 
"I  doubt  you  are  only  reading  a  prophecy." 
"  Weel,"  argued  the  religious  rustic,  "  giff  read- 
ing a  preachin'  be  preachin',  is  na  reading  a 
prophecy  prophesying  ? ' ' 

Church  Candidates. 

At  a  church  in  Scotland,  where  there  was  a 
popular  call,  two  candidates  offered  to  preach, 
of  the  names  of  Adam  and  Low.  The  last 
preached  in  the  morning,  and  took  for  his  text, 
"  Adam,  where  art  thou  ?"  He  made  a  most 
excellent  discourse,  and  the  congregation  were 
much  edified.  In  the  evening  Mr  Adam  preach- 
ed, and  took  for  his  text,  "  Lo,  here  am  I  !" 
The  impromptu  and  his  sermon  gained  him  the 
church. 


Pleasant  Prospect. 

An  elderly  lady,  intending  to  purchase  the 
upper  flat  of  a  house  in  Prince's  Street,  oppo- 
site the  West  Church  burying  ground,  from 
which  the  chain  of  Pentland  Hills  forms  a  beau- 
tiful back-ground,  after  being  made  acquainted 
with  all  its  conveniences,  and  the  beauty  of  its 
situation,  elegantly  enumerated  by  the  builder, 
lie  requested  her  to  cast  her  eye  on  the  roman- 
tic hills  at  a  distance,  on  the  other  side  of  the 
church  yard.  The  lady  admitted,  that  "  she 
had  certainly  a  most  pleasant  prospect  beyond 
the  grave.'' 


12  humourist's  own  book. 


Patriotic  Integrity. 

During  the  American  revolution,  while  Ge- 
neral Reed  was  President  of  Congress,  the 
British  commissioners  ofFered  him  a  bribe  of 
10,000  guineas,  to  desert  the  cause  of  his  coun- 
try. His  reply  was,  "  Gentlemen,  I  am  poor, 
very  poor ;  hut  your  king  is  not  rich  enough  to 
buy  me.'' 

Free  Trade  to  the  Lawyers. 

A  man  from  the  country  applied  lately  to  a 
respectable  solicitor  in  this  town  for  legal  advice. 
After  detailing  the  circumstances  of  the  case, 
he  was  asked  if  he  had  stated  the  facts  exactly 
as  they  occurred.  "  Ou  ay,  sir,"  rejoined  the 
applicant,  "  I  thought  it  best  to  tell  you  the 
plain  truth;  you  can  put  the  lees  till 't  yoursel." 

JYo  Sinecure. 

Colonel   M ,  of  the   Perthshire   cavalry, 

was  complaining,  that,  from  the  ignorance  and 
inattention  of  his  officers,  he  was  obliged  to  do 
the  whole  duty  of  the  regiment.  "  I  am,"  said 
he,  "  my  own  captain,  my  own  lieutenant,  my 
own  cornet," — "  and  trumpeter,  I  presume," 
said  a  lady  present. 

Allayi  Ramsay. 

Allan  Ramsay,  the  Scotch  poet,  walking  on 
the  Castle  hill  one  day,  was  accosted  by  a  pre- 
tended poor   maimed  sailor,  who  begged  his 


humourist's  own  book.  13 

charity.  The  poet  asked  him  by  what  authority 
he  went  a  begging  ?  "  I  have  a  licence  for  it," 
answered  the  sailor.  '■'  Licence T'  cried  Allan, 
"  Lice  you  may  have,  but  sense  you  have  none, 
to  beg  of  a  poet." 

Peter  Pindar. 

The  following  little  anecdote  has  been  left  in 
Dr  Wolcot's  own  hand-writing  : 

'•  When  the  Duke  of  Kent  was  last  in  Ame- 
rica, he  took  a  stroll  into  the  country,  and 
entering  a  neat  little  cottage,  saw  a  pretty  girl 
with  a  book  in  her  hand.  '  What  books  do  you 
read,  my  dear.'''  asked  his  royal  highness.  The 
girl,  with  the  most  artless  innocence,  replied, 
'  Sir,  the  Bible,  and  Peter  Pindar  !'  " 

Face  of  Brass. 

The  house  of  Mr  Dundas,  late  Lord  Presi- 
dent of  the  Court  of  Session  in  Scotland,  and 
the  elder  brother  of  Mr  Secretary  Dundas,  hav- 
ing, after  his  death,  been  converted  into  a 
smith's  shop,  a  gentleman  wrote  upon  its  door 
the  following  impromptu  : — 

*'  This  house  a  lawyer  once  enjoyed, 

A  smith  does  now  possess; 
How  naturally  the  iron  age 
Succeeds  the  age  of  brass!" 

Talc  tent. 

The  Scotch  phrase  for  take  heed,  is  tak'  tent. 
This  being  once  used  by  a  Scotch  physician  to 
an  English  lady,  who   was  his  patient,  occa- 


14  humourist's  own  book. 

sioned  a  mistake  which  had  nearly  proved  fatal. 
The  physician  always  repeated  to  her, ''  Aboon 
a'  things,  madam,  tak'  tent.''  Unfortunately 
the  lady  understood  him  that  she  was  to  drink 
tent  wine  regularly  after  her  meals;  and  she 
suffered  very  materially  from  following  his  sup- 
posed prescription. 

Antiquity  of  the  Campbells. 

An  old  woman  of  the  name  of  Gordon,  in  the 
North  of  Scotland,  was  listening  to  the  account 
given  in  Scripture  of  Solomon's  glory,  which 
was  read  to  her  by  a  little  female  grandchild. 
When  the  girl  came  to  tell  of  the  thousand 
camels,  which  formed  part  of  tHe  Jewish  sove- 
reign's live  stock,  "  Eh,  lassie,"  cried  the  old 
woman,  "  a  thousand  Campbells,  say  ye  ?  The 
Campbells  (pronounced  cammlls)  are  an  auld 
clan,  sure  enuch;  but  look  an  ye  dinna  see  the 
Gordons  too." 


Tax  on  Bachelors. 

A  lady  having  remarked  in  company  that  she 
thought  there   should  be  a  tax  on  the  single 

state;  "Yes,  madam,"  rejoined  Colonel , 

of (in  Berwickshire),  who  was  present, 

and  who  was  a  most  notable  specimen  of  the 
uncompromising  old  bachelor ;  "  as  on  all  other 
luxuries." 


Anecdote  of  the  Shorter  Catechism. 

A  Scotch  clergyman  was  one  day  catechising 
his  flock  in  the  church.    The  bedral,  or  church- 


humourist's  own  book.  15 

officer ,  being  somewhat  ill-read  in  the  Catechism , 
thought  it  best  to  keep  a  modest  place  near  the 
door,  in  the  hope  of  escaping  the  inquisition. 
But  the  clergyman  observed,  and  called  him 
forward.  "  John,"  said  he,  *'  what  is  baptism?" 
"  Ou,  sir,"  answered  John,  scratching  his  head, 
*'ye  ken,  it's  just  sax-pence  tome,  and  fifteen- 
pence  to  the  precentor." 

Taken  by  Surprise. 

At  the  time  when  Mr  Peale  was  exhibiting 
his  beautiful  picture  of  the  Court  of  Death  in 
Boston,  he  sent  the  late  Rev.  Dr  Osgood  a 
ticket,  on  which  was  inscribed,  '•  Admit  the 
bearer  to  the  Courtof  Death;"  the  old  gentleman 
never  having  heard  of  the  picture,  was  utterly 
confounded — ''  I  expected  to  go  before  long," 
said  he, — "  but  I  was  not  prepared  for  so  abrupt 
a  summons." 


The  Auflior  of  Waccrley. 

Mrs  Murray  Keith,  a  venerable  Scotch  lady, 
from  whom  Sir  Walter  Scott  derived  many  of 
the  traditionary  stories  and  anecdotes  wrought 
up  in  his  admirable  fictions,  taxed  him  one  day 
with  the  authorship,  which  he,  as  usual,  stoutly 
denied.  ''  What,"  exclaimed  the  old  lady, 
''  d'ye  think  I  dinna  ken  ray  ain  groats  among 
other  folk's  kail?" 


Reasons  for  the  Scotch  being  Great  Smugglers. 

An  Englishman  once  expressed  great   sur- 
prise, in  a  company  of  literati  at  Edinburgh, 


16  humourist's  own  book. 

that  the  Scotch  should  be  so  much  addicted  to 
smuggling,  seeing  that  they  are  a  remarkably 
sober  and  moral  people.  He  thought  it  must  be 
much  against  their  conscience.     "  Oh,  not  at 

all,  sir,"  said  Mr  R d,  a  noted  punster,  who 

was  present ;  "  What  is  conscience  but  a  '  small 
still  voice.' "  "  Farther,"  added  Professor 
W ,  "  it  is  *  the  worm  that  never  dies.'  " 


Fixer  at  Chris  to. 

In  the  epitaph  of  the  Rev.  James  Sword,  an 
Episcopalian  minister,  at  St  Andrews,  who  died 
in  1657,  and  whose  monument  is  still  to  be  seen 
in  the  burial-ground  which  surrounds  the  ruins 
of  the  cathedral,  the  phrase  occurs,  "  Vixerat 
Christo,"  he  lived  in  Christ.  It  so  happens,  that, 
according  to  an  old  fashion,  there  is  a  dot  or  full 
stop  betwixt  every  word  in  the  epitaph  ;  which 
has  given  occasion  to  a  strange  piece  of  wag- 
gery, on  the  part,  it  is  said,  of  a  Presbyterian, 
who  regarded  Sword  and  his  religion  with  equal 
abhorrence.  By  inserting  a  dot  between  the  first 
and  second  syllables  of  the  word"  vixerat,"  this 
person  has  caused  the  passage  to  be  read  thus, — 
"  Vix.  erat.  Christo,"  he  scarcely  teas  in  Christ! 

Hoio  to  Pay  for  a  Farm. 

A  man  in  the  town  of  D — ,  some  twenty 
years  ago,  went  to  a  merchant  in  Portsmouth, 
N.  H.  who  was  also  president  of  a  bank,  and 
stated  that  he  lived  on  a  farm,  the  home  of  his 
fathers,  which  had  descended-  to  him  by  right 
of  inheritance  :  that  this,  his  only  property, 
worth  two  thousand  dollars,  was  mortgaged  for 


humolirist's  own  book.  17 

one  tliousand,  to  a  merciless  creditor,  and  that 
the  time  of  redemption  would  be  out  in  a  week. 
He  closed  by  asking  for  a  loan  to  the  amount  of 
his  debt,  for  which  he  offered  to  re-mortgage 
his  farm. 

Me7-.  I  have  no  money  to  spare ;  and  if  I 
could  relieve  you  now,  a  similar  difficulty  would 
probably  arise  in  a  year  or  two. 

Far.  No,  I  would  make  every  exertion  :  I 
think  I  could  clear  it. 

Mer.  Well,  if  you  will  obey  my  directions  I 
can  put  you  in  a  way  to  get  the  money ;  but  it 
will  require  the  greatest  prudence  and  resolu- 
tion. If  you  can  get  a  good  indorser  on  a  note, 
you  shall  have  money  from  the  bank,  and  you 
can  mortgage  your  farm  to  the  indorser,  for  his 
security.  You  must  pay  in  one  hundred  dol- 
lars every  sixty  days.     Can  you  do  it  ? 

Far.  1  can  get  Mr  —  for  indorser,  and  I  can 
raise  the  hundred  dollars  for  every  payment  but 
the  first. 

Mer.  Then  borrow  a  hundred  dollars  more 
than  you  want,  and  let  it  lie  in  the  bank  :  you 
will  lose  only  one  dollar  interest.  But  mind — 
in  order  to  get  along,  you  must  spend  nothing — 
buy  nothing :  make  a  box  to  hold  all  the  money 
you  get,  as  a  sacred  deposit. 

He  departed.  The  note  was  discounted  and 
the  payment  punctually  made.  In  something 
more  than  two  years  he  came  again  into  the 
store  of  the  merchant,  and  exclaimed,  "  I  am.  a 
free  man — I  don't  owe  any  man  ten  dollars — 
but  look  at  me."  He  was  embrowned  with 
labour,  and  his  clothes,  from  head  to  foot,  were 
a  tissue  of  darns  and  patches.  "  My  wife  looks 
worse  than  I  do."     "So  you  have  cleared  your 

B 


18  humourist's  own  book. 

farm,"  said  the  merchant. — "  Yes,"  answered 
he,  ''  and  now  /  know  hoic  to  get  another." 

Thus,  good  advice,  well  improved,  rescued  a 
family  from  poverty,  and  put  them  in  possession 
of  a  competency  which  we  believe  they  yet  live 
to  enjoy.  Thus  may  any  one  retrieve  a  falling 
fortune,  if  he  will.  And  by  using  the  same 
amount  of  self-denial,  and  making  as  great  ex- 
ertions to  the  way  to  heaven,  we  may  secure 
an  "inheritance  incorruptible,  undefiled,  that 
fadeth  not  away." 

Toast  of  a  Scotch  Pier. 

Lord  K ,  dining  at  Provost  S 's,  and 

being  the  only  Peer  present^one  of  the  compa- 
ny gave  a  toast,  "The  Duke  of  Buccleuch." 
So  the  peerage  went  round  till  it  came  to  Lord 

K ,  who  said  he   would  give  them  a  peer, 

which,  although  not  toasted,  was  of  more  use 
than  the  whole.  His  Lordship  gave  "  The  Pier 
of  Leith." 


Spinning  a  Text. 

A  clergyman  in  Banffshire,  more  celebrated 
for  his  eloquence  than  his  prudence,  being  soli- 
cited lo  officiate  one  Sabbath  day  for  a  brother 
of  the  same  profession,  who  was  indisposed, 
was  so  obliging  as  to  comply  with  the  request. 
When  the  exercises  of  the  day  were  ended,  he 
thought  proper  to  indulge  in  a  hearty  refresh- 
ment, in  order  to  renovate  his  exhausted  spirits. 
Going  home  at  night,  he  met  a  gentleman  of 
his  acquaintance,  who  inquired  how  he  was, 
and  where  he  had  been  ?    To  which  he  answer- 


humourist's  own  book.  19 

ed,  "  He  had  been  spinning  out  a  text."  "  Yes," 
says  the  gentleman,  "  and  you  are  now  reeling 
it  home," 


M  my  WiVs  End. 

A  gentleman  in  the  west  of  Scotland,  cele- 
brated for  his  wit,  was  conversing  with  a  lady; 
who,  at  last,  quite  overpowered  by  the  brilliance 
and  frequency  of  his  hon  mots,  exclaimed, 
"  Stop,  sir  ;  there  is  really  no  end  to  your  wit." 
— "  God  forbid,  madam,"  replied  the  humourist, 
"  that  I  should  ever  be  at  my  wit's  end." 

Hang  Together  if  you  would  not  Hang  Sepa- 
rately! 

Richard  Penn,  one  of  the  proprietors,  and  of 
all  the  governors  of  Pennsylvania,  under  the 
old  regime,  probably  the  most  deservedly  popu- 
lar,— in  the  commencement  of  the  revolution, 
(his  brother  John  being  at  that  time  governor) 
was  on  the  most  familiar  and  intimate  terms 
with  a  number  of  the  most  decided  and  influen- 
tial whigs;  and,  on  a  certain  occasion,  being  in 
company  with  several  of  them,  a  member  of 
Congress  observed,  that  such  was  the  crisis, 
*'  they  must  all  hang  together.'"  '■'■  If  you  do  not, 
gentlemen,"  said  Mr  iPenn,  "  I  can  tell  you, 
that  you  will  be  very  apt  to  hang  separately.^' 

A  good  Customer. 

When  the  son  of  a  certain  London  banker 
had  eloped  to  Scotland  with  a  great  heiress, 
whom  he  married,  still  retaining  a  paternal  taste 


20  humourist's  own  book. 

for  parsimony,  he  objected  to  the  demand  of  two 
guineas  made  by  the  priest  at  Gretna  Green, 

stating,  that  Captain had  reported  the 

canonical    charge   to   be    only   five   shillings  ! 

*'  True,"  replied  Vulcan,  "  but  Captain 

is  an  Irishman,  and  I  have  married  him  five 
times;  so  I  consider  him  as  a  good  customer; 
but,  perhaps,  I  may  never  see  your  face  again." 

Strange  Prayer. 

A  Presbyterian  minister,  in  the  reign  of  King 
"William  III.  performing  public  worship  in  the 
Tron  Church  at  Edinburgh,  used  this  remarka- 
ble expression  in  his  prayer: — "Lord  have 
mercy  upon  all  fools  and  idiots,  and  particularly 
upon  the  town  council  of  Edinburgh." 

Exported  and  Transported  defined. 

A  gentleman  recently  married,  was  enjoying, 
with  his  fair  one,  an  evening  walk  along  the 
beach  at  Musselburgh.  "  Pray,  my  dear,"  said 
the  lady,  "  what  is  the  difference  between  ex- 
ported and  transported?'^  At  that  moment  a 
vessel  left  the  harbour,  bound  for  a  foreign  port. 
"  Were  you,  my  love,"  returned  the  gentleman, 
"  aboard  that  vessel,  you  would  be  exported  and 
I  would  be  transported.'^ 

A  Word  to  Snuff  Takers. 

A  lady  asked  her  physician  whether  snuff 
was  injurious  to  the  brain?  "No,"  said  he, 
"  for  no  body  who  has  any  brains  ever  takes 
snuff." 


humourist's  oWiN  book.  21 


G.  F.  Cooke. 

Shortly  after  Cooke  arrived  in  America,  he 
was  one  evening  in  company  with  a  number 
of  actors  whom  he  bored  outrageously.  "  Mr 
H*"***,"  said  he,  "  what  do  you  know  of  the 
stage — you  are  no  actor,  although  the  applause 
you  receive  from  the  Yankees  makes  you  think 
yourself  one."  From  the  wo-begone  appear- 
ance of  the  young  Thespian,  the  tragedian 
thought  he  had  proceeded  too  far,  and  endeav- 
ouring to  heal  the  wound  he  had  inflicted,  rose 
with  tears  in  his  eyes,  observed,  "  What  I  said 
was  in  jest — I  hold  your  professional  talents  in 
high  estimation,  and  now  freely  make  the  ac- 
knowledgement."— H.  burst  out  in  aloud  laugh, 
exclaiming,  "  You  old  quiz,  will  you  again  say 
that  I  am  no  actor .?" 


Living  without  Brains. 

As  the  late  Professor  H was  walking 

near  Edinburgh,  he  met  one  of  those  beings 
usually  called  fools.  *'  Pray,"  says  the  pro- 
fessor, accosting  him,  ''  how  long  can  a  person 
live  without  brains.^"  "I  dinna  ken,"  replied 
the  fellow,  scratching  his  head;  "how  long 
have  you  lived  yoursell,  sir  .^" 


Dr  Hucrh  Blair 


Dr  Blair  used  to  tell  the  following  anecdote 
of  his  precentor  with  a  great  deal  of  glee.  Hap- 
pening to  preach  one  day  at  a  distance  from 
town,  ho  next  day  met  that  official,  as  he  was 


22  humourist's  own  book, 

returning  to  his  house  in  town.  "  Well,"  said 
the  doctor,  '^  how  did  matters  proceed  yester- 
day at  church  in  my  absence  ?"  "  'Deed,"  said 
the  man  of  song,  who  was  a  very  vain  fellow, 
but  withal  a  good  deal  ofa  humourist, "  Idarsay, 
no  very  weel :  I  wasna  there,  doctor,  ony  mair 
thanyourseli," 

Dry  in  Church. 
The  Rev.  Doctors  H and  M were 


colleagues  in  the  Old  Church  of  Edinburgh. 

One  Sunday,  when  it  was  Dr  M 's  turn  to 

preach,  he  had  got  himself  very  much  wetted 
by  a  heavy  rain,  and  was  standing  before  the 
session-room  fire,  drying  his  clothes,  when  Dr 

H came  in,  whom  he  requested  would  that 

day  take  his  place,  as  he  had  escaped  the  shower. 
*'  Oh,  by  no  means,"  replied  the  doctor;  "  gang 
up  to  the  poopit,  ye'U  be  dry  eneuch  there." 

Origin  of  "  Uncle  Sam.'" 

Much  learning  and  research  have  been  exer- 
cised in  tracing  the  origin  of  odd  names,  and 
odd  sayings,  which,  taking  their  rise  in  some 
trifling  occurrence  or  event,  easily  explained  or 
well  understood  for  a  time,  yet,  in  the  course  of 
years,  becoming  involved  in  mystery,  assume 
an  importance  equal  at  least  to  the  skill  and 
ingenuity  required  to  explain  or  trace  them  to 
their  origin.  "  The  Swan  with  two  necks" — 
"  The  Bull  and  Mouth"—"  All  my  eye,  Betty 
Martin,"  and  many  others,  are  of  this  character 
— and  who  knows  but,  an  hundred  years  hence, 
some  "  learned  commentator"  may  puzzle  his 


'^4 


humourist's  own  book.  23 

brain  to  furnish  some  ingenious  explanation  of 
the  origin  of  tlie  national  appellation  placed  at 
the  head  of  this  article.  To  aid  him,  therefore, 
in  this  research,  I  will  state  the  facts  as  they 
occurred  under  my  own  eye, 

Inimediatelj^  after  the  declaration  of  the  last 
war  with  England,  Elbert  Anderson,  of  New 
York,  then  a  Contractor,  visited  Troy,  on  the 
Hudson,  where  was  concentrated,  and  where 
he  purchased,  a  large  quantity  of  provisions — 
beef,  pork,  &c.  The  inspectors  of  these  articles 
at  that  place  were  Messrs  Ebenezer  and  Samuel 
Wilson.  The  latter  gentleman  (invariably 
known  as  "  Uncle  Sam"')  generally  superin- 
tended in  person  a  large  number  of  workmen, 
who,  on  this  occasion,  were  employed  in  over- 
hauling the  provisions  purchased  by  the  Con- 
tractor for  the  army.  The  casks  were  marked 
E.  A.— U.  S.  This  work  fell  to  the  lot  of  a 
facetious  fellow  in  the  employ  of  the  Messrs 
Wilson,  who,  on  being  asked  by  some  of  his 
fellow  workmen  the  meaning  of  the  mark,  (for 
the  letters  U.  S.,  for  United  States,  were  almost 
then  entirely  new  to  them)  said  "  he  did  not 
know,  unless  it  meant  Elbert  Anderson  and 
Uncle  Sam'' — alluding  exclusively,  then,  to  the 
said  ''  Uncle  Sam"  Wilson.  The  joke  took 
among  the  workmen,  and  passed  currently ; 
and  "  Uncle  Sam"  himself  being  present,  was 
occasionally  rallied  by  them  on  the  increasing 
extent  of  his  possessions. 

Many  of  these  workmen  being  of  a  character 
denominated  ''  food  for  powder,"  were  found 
shortly  after  following  the  recruiting  drum,  and 
pushing  toward  the  frontier  lines,  for  the  double 
purpose  of  meeting  the  enemy,  and  of  eating 


24  humourist's  own  book. 

the  provisions  they  had  lately  laboured  to  put  in 
good  order.  Their  old  jokes  of  course  accom- 
panied them,  and  before  the  first  campaign 
ended,  this  identical  one  first  appeared  in  print 
— it  gained  favour  rapidly,  till  it  penetrated  and 
was  recoirnized  in  every  part  of  our  country,  and 
will,  no  "doubt,  continue  so  while  the  United 
States  remain  a  nation.  It  originated  precisely 
as  above  stated  ;  and  the  writer  of  this  article 
distinctly  recollects  remarking,  at  a  time  when 
it  first  appeared  in  print,  to  a  person  who  was 
equally  aware  of  its  origin,  how  odd  it  would  be 
should  this  silly  joke,  originating  in  the  midst 
of  beef,  pork,  pickle,  mud,  salt  and  hoop-poles, 
eventually  become  a  national  cognomen. 

Lord  Monboddo. 

When  one  of  Lord  Monboddo's  friends  pro- 
posed to  solicit  for  him  the  office  of  a  judge  in 
the  Scotch  Criminal  Court,  his  lordship  said, — 
"No;  I  have  more  pleasure  in  looking  after  my 
little  farm,  in  the  vacation  of  the  Court  of  Sess- 
ion, than  I  should  have  in  running  about  the 
country  hanging  people." 

Parochial  Visitations. 

It  was  once  a  prevalent  custom  with  the 
Scotch  clergy,  to  call  their  parishioners  to- 
gether, and  cathechize  them  on  the  Christian 
doctrines.  On  such  an  occasion,  the  late  Rev. 
Mr  J ,  minister  of  Coldingham  in  Berwick- 
shire, asked  a  simple  country  wife,  Avho  resided 
at  the  farm  of  Coldingham  Law,  (there  always 
styled  ''  The  Law"  for  brevity's  sake)  "  How 


humourist's  own  book.  25 

many  tables,  Janet,  are  there  in  the  law  ?" 
"  Indeed,  sir,  I  canna  just  be  certain,"  answered 
Janet,  "  but  I  think  there's  ane  in  the  fore-room, 
and  ane  in  the  back-room,  and  another  up 
stairs  !" 

A  Scotch  clergyman,  who  owed  his  situation 
rather  to  a  titled  patron  than  to  his  abilities,. in 
visiting  his  parishioners,  for  the  purpose  of  cat- 
echising them,  asked  one  old  stern  Presbyterian, 
'^  Who  made  Paul  a  ])reachGr  ?"  "  It  wasna  the 
Duke  of  Queensberry,"  replied  the  old  mari 
with  a  grim  smile. 

Learned  Divine. 

The  equivocality  of  many  of  the  names  of 
places  in  Scotland,  has  given  occasion  to  a  very 
amusing  saying  regarding  a  clergyman.  "  He 
was  born  in  the  parish  of  Dull,  brought  up  at 
the  school  of  Dunse  (quasi  Dunce),  and  finally 
settled  minister  in  the  parish  of  Drone  /" 

Life  Insurance. 

Some  years  ago,  when  the  famous  Dr  Leib 
was  figuring  in  political  life,  prejudices  were 
strong,  and  party  feeling  ran  high — application 
was  made  to  the  Legislature  of  Pennsylvania  to 
incorporate  a  ''Life  Insurance  Company"  for 
the  term  of  fifty  years.  A  zealous  member  rose 
and  addressed  Mr  Speaker  with,  '•  Sir,  I  don't 
like  this  bill,  and  I  shan't  vote  for  it.  The  pe- 
titioners have  asked  to  be  incorporated  to  insure 
lives  for  fifty  years,  and  what  will  be  the  conse- 
quence of  granting  their  prayer .-'  why,  the  first 


26  humourist's  own  book. 

thing  you'll  know,  that  Dr  Leib  will  get  his  life 
insured  for  the  whole  time,  and  we  shall  have 
him  tormenting  us  for  half  a  century  to  come." 

j1  Good  Reason. 

In  a  manse  in  Fife,  the  conversation  of  a  large 
party  one  evening  turned  on  a  volume  of  ser- 
mons, which  had  just  been  published  with  con- 
siderable success,  and  was  supposed  to  have 
brought  a  round  sum  into  the  hands  of  the  au- 
thor. When  the  minister's  wife  heard  of  what 
had  been  made  by  the  volume,  her  imagination 
was  excited,  and,  turning  to  her  husband,  who 
sat  a  little  aside,  she  said,  "  My  dear,  I  see 
naething  to  hinder  you  to  print  a  few  of  your 
sermons,  too."     "  They  were  a'  printed  lang 


Liglit  as  Possible. 

A  lady  going  into  a  tea  shop  in  Leith,  and 
buying  a  pound  of  tea,  the  merchant  said  he 
would  send  it  home.  "  Oh,  no,"  said  she  ;  "  it 
is  not  inconvenient,  as  it  is  light."  "  Why," 
said  he,  "  it  is  as  light  as  I  could  possibly  make 
it." 


Rustic  Ignorance. 

When  Dr  Johnson  was  travelling  in  the  High- 
lands of  Scotland,  he  came  up  to  a  peasant  who 
was  employed  in  paring  turf  to  cover  his  hut — 
in  other  words,  casting  divots.  *'Pray,  sir," 
cried  the  lexicographer,  "  can  you  point  out  the 


humourist's  own  book.  27 

way  to  the  most  contiguous  village,  for  we  are 
dreadfully  fatigued,  having  deviated  from  our 
road  these  two  hours?"  "  You  tired  wi'  divoting 
two  hours  !"  replied  the  rustic,  scornfully;  "  1 
have  been  divoting  since  four  o'clock  this  morn- 
ing, and  must  do  so  as  lang  as  I  can  see,  tired 
or  not." 

A  Profitable  Blunder. 

When  Isaiah  Thomas,  printer  of  the  Farmer's 
Almanack,  was  called  upon  by  a  printer's  devil 
to  know  what  he  should  put  against  the  13th 
July,  Mr  T.  replied,  "  Anything,"  upon  which 
the  boy  set,  "  Rain,  hail  and  snow,"  at  which  the 
country  was  amazed,  but  it  so  laappened  that 
it  actually  rained,  hailed  and  snowed  on  that 
day,  and  proved  a  profitable  storm  to  the  pro- 
prietor of  the  Almanack  for  the  future  numbers. 

Bon-Mots  of  the  HonouraUe  Henrij  Erskine. 

This  celebrated  wit,  of  whom  it  might  be 
said,  more  truly,  perhaps,  than  of  any  other  man 
that  ever  breathed,  that 

" he  could  not  ope 

His  mouth,  but  out  there  flew  a  trope," 

was  one  day  at  a  large  dinner  party,  where  Miss 

Henrietta was  also  present.     This  lady 

had  been  the  most  admired  beauty  of  her  day  in 
Edinburgh  ;  but,  at  the  time  in  question,  was  a 
little  past  the  meridian  of  life.  It  must  also  be 
premised  of  her,  that  her  name  was  usually  ab- 
breviated into  Hennie.  "  Mr  Erskine,"  said  the 
lady,  as  the  wine  was  beginning  to  circulate, 
"  they  say  that  ye're  a  great  man  for  making 


28  humourist's  own  book. 

puns  :  could  ye  mak  a  pun,  d'ye  think,  on  me  ?'* 
"  Od,  Hennie,"  the  wit  instantly  replied  ;  "  you 
might  be  making  puns  yourself  now  ;  I'm  sure, 
Hennie  though  ye  be,  ye're  nae  chicken." 

Being  one  day  in  London,  in  company  with 
the  Duchess  of  Gordon,  he  asked  her, "  Are  we 
never  again  to  enjoy  the  honour  and  pleasure  of 
your  Grace's  society  at  Edinburgh?"  "Oh!'* 
said  she,  "Edinburgh  is  a  vile,  dull  place;  I 
hate  it."  "  Madam,"  replied  the  gallant  bar- 
rister, "  the  Sun  might  as  well  say.  There's  a 
vile,  dark  morning,  I  wont  rise  to-day." 

Being  told  that  Knox,  who  had  long  derived 
his  livelihood  by  keeping  the  door  of  the  Parlia- 
ment House,  had  been  killed  by  a  shot  from  a 
small  cannon,  on  the  king's  birth  day,  he  ob- 
served, that  "it  was  remarkable  a  man  should 
live  by  the  civil,  and  die  by  t|he  cannon  laio." 

Mr  Erskine  placed  two  of  his  sons  at  the 
academy  of  Mr  Laing,  teacher  in  Edinburgh, 
whose  school-house  is  lighted  from  the  roof.  At 
one  of  the  public  examinations  Mr  Erskine  was 
present,  who,  observing  some  drops  of  rain  fall- 
ing on  the  floor,  in  consequence  of  a  broken 
pane  in  the  window,  said,  "  Mr  Laing,  I  per- 
ceive you  spare  no  panes  upon  your  scholars." 

A  gentleman  observed  one  day  to  Mr  Erskine, 
that  punning  is  the  lowest  sort  of  wit.  "  It  is 
so,"  answered  he ;  "  and  therefore  the  founda- 
tion of  all  wit." 

The  same  gentleman  having  one  day  entered 


humourist's  own  book.  29 

the  Parliament  House,  found  it  full  of  smoke  : 
on  which  he  remarked,  "  Gentlemen,  what  shall 
be  done  ? — It's  all  over  with  us  if  they  smoke 
us." 

Mr  Erskine  of  Alva,  afterwards  a  senator  of 
the  College  of  Justice,  under  the  title  of  Lord 
Bargaio-,  was  a  man  of  very  diminutive  stature. 
Being  retained  as  counsel  in  a  case  where  the 
Honourable  Henry  Erskine  appeared  on  the  op- 
posite side,  he  was  obliged,  on  account  of  the 
press  of  the  crowd,  to  have  a  chair  brought  for- 
ward, on  which  he  might  raise  himself,  when 
addressing  the  bench.  "  This,"  the  wit  re- 
marked, "  was  one  way  of  rising  at  the  Bar." 

IVilliam  Pcnn. 

William  Penn  and  Thomas  Story  sheltered 
themselves  from  a  shower  of  rain  in  a  tobacco 
house,  the  owner  of  which  said,  "  You  enter 
without  leave — do  you  know  who  I  am  ?  I  am 
justice  of  the  peace."  To  which  Story  replied, 
— "  My  friend  here  makes  such  things  as  thee — 
he  is  Governor  of  Pennsylvania." 

Pleasing  the  Young  Laird. 

A  man  being  tried  for  his  life  in  the  court  of 
a  Highland  chieftain,  before  the  abolition  of 
those  petty  jurisdictions,  the  jury  for  a  long  time 
hesitated  to  give  a  verdict,  and  displayed  an 
inclination  to  acquit  the  panel.  Just  as  they 
were  about  to  decide,  somebody  whispered, 
•'  The  Young  Laird  (that  is,  the  eldest  son  of 
the  chieftain)  has  never  seen  an  execution." 


30  humourist's  own  book. 

Upon  which  a  verdict  of  guilty  was  given, 
purely  to  gratify  the  young  gentleman  with  a 
spectacle. 

Hanging  to  Please  the  Laird. 

During  the  reign  of  the  feudal  system  amongst 
the  Highlanders,  the  Laird  of  Grant  had  con- 
demned one  of  his  vassals  to  be  hanged.  When 
Donald  came  to  the  gallows,  accompanied  by 
Janet  his  faithful  wife,  he  seemed  very  reluct- 
ant to  mount  the  ladder,  and  stood  a  long  time 
below  the  fatal  tree,  shrugging  his  shoulders. 
'*  Hoot  awa,  Donald,'  said  Janet,  clapping  her 
dear  spouse's  cheek,  "  gang  up  like  a  man,  and 
please  the  laird."  Donald  could  not  resist  such 
a  powerful  motive  to  obedience,  but  gallantly 
sprung  to  meet  the  reward  of  his  loyalty. 

A  Toast. 

At  a  dinner  party  one  day.  Sir  John  H , 

whose  character  was  considered  to  be  not  alto- 
gether unexceptionable,  said  he  would  give 
them  a  toast;  and,  looking  hard  in  the  face  of 

Mrs  M ,  who  was  more  celebrated  for  wit 

than  beauty,  gave — "  Honest  men  an'  bonny 
lasses !"  "  With  all  my  heart.  Sir  John,"  said 

Mrs  M ,  "  for  it  neither  applies  to  you  nor 

me." 


Two  Lawyers''  Mistake. 

When  the  regulations  of  West  Boston  Bridge 
were  drawn  up  by  two  famous  lawyers — one 
section  was  written,  accepted,  and  now  stands 


humourist's  own  book.  31 

thus;  "  And  the  said  proprietors  shall  meet  an- 
nually on  the  first  Tuesday  of  June,  provided 
the  same  does  not  fail  on  Sunday." 

Misspelling  of  Sign  Posts. 

Some  one  remarked  that  whenever  the  signs 
over  shop  doors  were  misspelt,  it  was  almost 
invariably  by  there  being  too  many  letters,  and 
very  seldom  hy  there  being  too  few.  [Observa- 
tion will  show  this  to  be  a  fact.]  "  Oh,"  said 
another  of  the  company,  "  the  painters  do  that 
to  show  that  they  belong  to  a  liberal  profession." 

David  Hume. 

This  distinguished  philosopher  was  one  day 
passing  along  a  narrow  foot-path  which  formerly 
winded  through  a  boggy  piece  of  ground  at  the 
back  of  Edinburgh  Castle,  when  he  had  the  mis- 
fortune to  tumble  in,  and  stick  fast  in  the  mud. 
Observing  a  woman  approaching,  he  civilly  re- 
quested her  to  lend  him  a  helping  hand  out  of 
his  disagreeable  situation;  but  she,  casting  one 
hurried  glance  at  his  abbreviated  figure,  passed 
on,  without  regarding  his  request.  He  then 
shouted  lustily  after  her;  and  she  was  at  last 
prevailed  upon  by  his  cries  to  approach.  "  Are 
na  ye  Hume  the  Deist  .^"  inquired  she,  in  a 
tone  which  implied  that  an  answer  in  the  affirm- 
ative would  decide  her  against  lending  him  her 
assistance.  "  Well,  well,"  said  Mr  Hume,  "  no 
matter :  yon  know,  good  woman.  Christian 
charity  commands  you  to  do  good,  even  to  your 
enemies."  "  Christian  charity  here,  Christian 
charity  there,"  replied  the   woman,  "  I'll  do 


32  humourist's  own  book. 

naething  for  ye  till  ye  turn  a  Ciiristian  your- 
sell :  ye  maun  first  repeat  baitli  tlie  Lord's 
Prayer  and  the  Creed,  or  faith  I'll  let  ye  groffle 
there  as  I  faund  ye."  The  sceptic  was  actually 
obliged  to  accede  to  the  woman's  terms,  ere  she 
would  give  him  her  help.  He  himself  used  to 
tell  the  story  with  great  r«lish. 

IrishmarCs  Answer. 

An  Irishman  inquired  at  the  Boston  Post  Of- 
fice, if  there  were  any  letters  for  him—''  Your 
name,  sir,"  said  the  clerk.  "  That  you  will 
find  upon  the  letters,"  replied  Pat. 

Msence  of  Mind. 

Mr  Imlach,  late  minister  of  the  Muirhouse, 
near  Dundee,  was  remarkable  for  his  absence 
of  mind.  In  his  prayer  one  day  he  said,  "  O, 
Lord  !  bless  all  ranks  and  degrees  of  persons, 
from  the  king  on  the  dunghill  to  the  beggar  on 
the  throne."  Then  recollecting  himself,  he 
added,  "  I  mean  from  the  beggar  on  the  throne 
to  the  king  on  the  dunghill !" 

"  Pray,  sir,"  said  Lady  Wallace  to  David 
Hume,  •'!  am  often  asked  of  what  age  I  am — 
what  answer  should  I  make.^"  Mr  Hume  im- 
mediately guessing  her  ladyship's  meaning, 
said,  "  Madam,  when  you  are  asked  that  ques- 
tion again,  answer,  that  you  are  not  yet  come 
to  years  of  discretion." 

David  Hume  and  Lady  Wallace  once  passed 
the  Firth   from   Kinghorn   to   Leith   together, 


humourist's  own  book.  33 

when  a  violent  storm  rendered  the  passengers 
apprehensive  of  a  salt-water  death ;  and  her 
ladyship's  terrors  induced  her  to  seek  consola- 
tion from  her  friend,  who  with  infinite  sang 
Jroid,  assured  her  he  thought  there  was  great 
probability  of  their  becoming  food  for  fishes. 
"  And  pray  my  dear  friend,"  said  Lady  Wal- 
lace, "  which  do  you  think  they  will  eat  first.?" 
*'  Those  that  are  gluttons,"  replied  Hume, 
''  will  undoubtedly  fall  foul  of  me,  but  the  epi- 
cures will  attack  your  ladyship." 

Curious  Typographical  Anecdote. 

It  is  well  known  to  literary  people,  that,  in 
preparing  works  for  the  press,  it  is  usual  for  the 
printer,  after  the  proof  sheets  have  been  seen  by 
the  author,  to  go  over  them  again,  and  clear 
them  of  what  are  called  typographical  errors, 
such  as  wrong  spellings,  inaccuracies  of  punc- 
tuation, and  similar  imperfections.  In  perform- 
ing this  office  for  a  celebrated  northern  critic 
and  editor,  a  printer,  now  dead,  was  in  the  habit 
of  introducing  a  much  greater  number  of  com- 
mas than  it  appeared  to  the  author  the  sense  re- 
quired.     The  case  was  provoking,  but  did  not 

produce  a  formal  remonstrance ,  until  Mr  W n 

himself  accidentally  afforded  the  learned  editor 
an  opportunity  of  signifying  his  dissatisfaction 
with  the  plethora  of  punctuation  under  which 
his  compositions  were  made  to  labour.  The 
worthy  printer,  coining  to  a  passage  one  day 
which  he  did  not  understand,  very  naturally 
took  it  into  his  head  that  it  was  unintelligible, 
and  transmitted  it  to  his  employer,  with  a  re- 
mark on  the  margin,  that  "  there  appeared  some 
c 


34  humourist's  own  book. 

obscurity  in  it."  The  sheet  was  immediately 
returned,  with  this  reply,  which  we  give  verba- 
tim. "Mr  J.  sees  no  obscurity  here,  except 
such  as  arises  from  the  villainous  quantity  of 

commas,  which  Mr  W n  seems  to  keep  in  a 

pepper-box  beside  him,  for  the  purpose  of  dust- 
ing all  his  proofs  with." 

Mots  of  Sir  Walter  Scott. 

An  English  lady  and  gentleman,  who,  in 
travelling  through  Scotland,  had  come  to  the 
neighbourhood  of  Abbotsford,  withoutproviding 
themselves  with  an  introduction  to  Sir  Walter 
Scott,  and  who  felt,  when  there,  an  irresistible 
inclination  to  intrude  upon  him,  could  think  of 
no  expedient  by  which  to  gratify  their  curiosity 
but  that  of  throwing  themselves  upon  his  mer- 
cy, and  begging  the  favour  of  an  interview.  In 
their  card  to  him,  they  said  that,  in  coming  to 
Scotland,  their  chief  object  had  been  to  see 
"the  great  Lion  of  the  North,  Sir  Walter 
Scott;"  and  they  begged  him  to  consider  how 
hard  it  would  be  if,  alter  all  their  travels,  they 
should  have  to  go  home  disappointed.  Sir  Wal- 
ter immediately  returned  an  answer,  couched 
in  the  most  polite  terms,  and  concluding  with  a 
request  that  they  would  come  that  day  to  dine 
with  him,  "  as  he  had  some  reason  to  believe 
the  Lion  of  the  North,  like  his  friends  at  Exeter 
Change,  was  best  worth  seeing  at  feeding  time.'' 

Good  Book-keepers. 

Sir  Walter,  in  lending  a  book  one  day  to  a 
friend,  cautioned  him  to  be  punctual  in  return- 


humourist's  own  book.  35 

ing  it.  "  This  is  really  necessary,"  said  the 
poet  in  apology;  "for  though  many  of  my 
friends  are  bad  arithmeticians,  I  observe  almost 
all  of  them  to  be  good  hook-keepers." 

Testaments. 

A  countryman  going  into  the  probate  office 
where  the  wills  are  kept  in  huge  volumes  on 
the  shelves,  asked  if  they  were  all  bibles  !  "  No, 
Sir,"  replied  one  of  the  clerks,  "  they  are  testa- 
ments." 


Dr  Johnson's  Pudding. 

Last  summer  I  made  another  excursion  to 
Scotland,  with  the  intention  of  completing  my 
series  of  views,  and  went  over  the  same  ground 
described  by  the  learned  tourists,  Dr  Johnson 
and  Boswell.  I  am  in  the  habit  of  taking  very 
long  walks  on  these  occasions,  and,  perceiving 
a  storm  threaten,  I  made  the  best  of  my  way  to 
a  small  building.  I  arrived  in  time  at  a  neat 
little  inn,  and  was  received  by  a  respectable 
looking  man  and  his  wife,  who  did  all  in  their 
power  to  make  me  comfortable.  After  eating 
some  excellent  fried  mutton-chops,  and  drink- 
ing a  quart  of  ale,  I  asked  the  landlord  to  sit 
down,  and  partake  of  a  bowl  of  whiskey  punch. 
I  found  him,  as  the  Scotch  generally  are,  very 
intelligent,  and  full  of  anecdote,  of  which  the 
following  may  serve  as  a  specimen  : — 

"  Sir,"  said  the  landlord,  "  this  inn  was  for- 
merly kept  by  Andrew  Macgregor,  a  relation  of 
mine  ;  and  these  hard-bottomed  chairs,  in  which 
we  are  now  sitting,  were,  years  ago,  filled  by 


3(1  '  humourist's  own  book. 

the  great  tourists,  Doctor  Johnson  and  Boswell, 
travelling  like  the  lion  and  jackal.  Boswell 
generally  preceded  the  doctor  in  search  of  food, 
and  being  much  pleased  with  the  look  of  the 
house,  followed  his  nose  into  the  larder,  where 
he  saw  a  fine  leg  of  mutton.  He  ordered  it  to 
be  roasted  with  the  utmost  expedition,  and  gave 
particular  orders  for  a  nice  pudding.  '  Now,' 
says  he,  '  make  the  best  of  all  puddings.'  Elated 
with  his  good  luck,  he  immediately  went  out  in 
search  of  his  friend,  and  saw  the  giant  of  learn- 
ing slowly  advancing  on  a  pony.  '  My  dear 
sir,'  said  Boswell,  out  of  breath  with  joy,  *  good 
news  !  I  have  just  bespoken,  at  a  comfortable, 
clean  inn  here,  a  delicious  leg  of  mutton;  it  is 
now  getting  ready,  and  1  flatter  myself  we  shall 
make  an  excellent  meal.'  Johnson  looked  pleas- 
ed— '  And  I  hope,'  said  he,  '  you  have  bespoken 
a  pudding.'  '  Sir,  you  will  have  your  favourite 
pudding,'  replied  the  other.  Johnson  got  off 
the  pon}%  and  the  poor  animal,  relieved  from 
the  giant,  smelt  his  way  into  the  stable.  Bos- 
well ushered  the  doctor  into  the  house,  and  left 
him  to  prepare  for  this  delicious  treat.  Johnson 
feeling  his  coat  rather  damp,  from  the  mist  of 
the  mountains,  went  into  the  kitchen,  and  threw 
his  upper  garment  on  a  chair  before  the  fire  : 
he  sat  on  the  hob,  near  a  little  boy  who  was  very 
busy  attending  the  meat.  Johnson  occasionally 
peeped  from  behind  his  coat,  while  the  boy  kept 
basting  the  mutton.  Johnson  did  not  like  the 
appearance  of  his  head;  when  he  shifted  the 
basting  ladle  from  one  hand,  the  other  hand  was 
never  idle,  and  the  doctor  thought  at  the  same 
time  he  saw  something  fall  on  the  meat ;  upon 
which  he  determined  to  eat  no  mutton  that  day. 


humourist's  own  book.  37 

The  dinner  announced,  Bosweli  exclaimed, 
'  My  dear  doctor,  here  comes  the  mutton;  what 
a  picture  !  done  to  a  turn,  and  looks  so  beauti- 
fully brown !'  The  doctor  tittered.  After  a 
short  grace,  Bosweli  said,  '  I  suppose,  sir,  I  am 
to  carve,  as  usual; — what  part  shall  I  help  you 
to.?'  The  doctor  replied,  '  My  dear  Bozzy,  I  did 
not  like  to  tell  you  before,  but  I  am  determined 
to  abstain  from  meat  to-day.'  '  Oh  dear  !  this 
is  a  great  disappointment,'  said  Bozzy.  '  Say 
no  more;  I  shall  make  myself  ample  amends 
with  the  pudding.'  Bosweli  commenced  the 
attack,  and  made  the  first  cut  at  the  mutton. 
*  How  the  gravy  runs  !  what  fine -flavoured  fat! 
— so  nice  and  brown,  too  !  Oh,  sir,  you  would 
have  relished  this  prime  piece  of  mutton.'  The 
meat  being  removed,  in  came  the  long  wished- 
for  pudding.  The  doctor  looked  joyous,  fell 
eagerly  to,  and  in  a  few  minutes  nectvly  finished 
all  the  pitdding.  The  table  was  cleared,  and 
Bosweli  said,  '  Doctor,  while  I  was  eating  the 
mutton,  you  seemed  frequently  inclined  to 
laugh  ;  pray,  tell  me,  what  tickled  your  fancy.'' 
The  doctor  then  literally  told  him  all  that  had 
passed  at  the  kitchen  fire,  about  the  boy  and 
the  basting.  Bosweli  turned  as  pale  as  a  pars- 
nip, and,  sick  of  himself  and  the  company, 
darted  out  of  the  room.  Somewhat  relieved,  on 
returning,  he  insisted  on  seeing  the  dirty  little 
rascally  boy,  whom  he  severely  reprimanded 
before  Johnson.  The  poor  boy  cried  :  the  doc- 
tor laughed.  '  You  little,  filthy,  snivelling 
hound,'  said  Bosweli,  '  when  you  hasted  the 
meat,  why  did  you  not  put  on  the  cap  I  saw  you 
in  this  morning.?'  'I  couldn't,  sir,'  said  the 
boy.     'No!  why  couldn't  you.?'  said  Bosweli. 


38  humourist's  own  book, 

•  Because  my  mammy  took  it  from  me  to  boil 
the  pudding  in  !'  The  doctor  gathered  up  his 
Herculean  frame,  stood  erect,  touched  the  ceil- 
ing with  his  wig,  stared  or  squinted — indeed, 
looked  any  way  but  the  right  way.  At  last, 
with  mouth  wide  open  (none  of  the  smallest), 
and  stomach  heaving,  he  with  some  difficulty 
recovered  his  breath,  and  looking  at  Boswell 
with  dignified  contempt,  he  roared  out,  with  the 
lungs  of  a  Stentor,  '  Mr  Boswell,  sir,  leave  off 
laughing  ;  and  under  pain  of  my  eternal  dis- 
pleasure, never  utter  a  single  syllable  of  this 
abominable  adventure  to  any  soul  living,  while 
you  breathe.' — "  And  so,  sir,"  said  mine  host, 
*'  you  have  the  positive  fact  from  the  simple 
mouth  of  your  humble  servant." 

Stuttering  Letter. 

A  certain  old  woman  took  from  the  post  of- 
fice in  the  town  of  G ,  a  letter.  Not  know- 
ing how  to  read,  and  being  anxious  to  know 
the  contents,  supposing  it  to  be  from  one  of  her 
absent  sons,  she  called  on  a  person  near,  to  read 
the  letter  to  her.  He  accordingly  began  and 
read  : 

•'  Charleston,  June  23<Z,  1821. 

"  Dear  mother," — then  making  a  stop  to  find 
out  what  followed  (as  the  writing  was  rather 
bad),  the  old  lady  exclaimed,  "  O  'tis  from  poor 
Jerry  ;  he  always  stuttered.^' 

Living  in  an  Oven. 

A  gentleman  having  occasion  to  call  for  Mr 
Joseph  Gullan,  found  him  at  home  in  his  writ- 


humourist's  own  book.  39 

ing  chamber.  He  remarked  the  great  heat  of 
the  apartment,  and  said,  "  It  was  hot  as  an 
oven."  "  So  it  ought,"  replied  Mr  G.  "  for  'tis 
here  I  7iiake  my  bread  " 

Metaphysics. 

A  Scotch  blacksmith  being  asked  the  mean- 
ing of  metaphysics,  explained  it  as  follows  : — 
"  When  the  party  who  listens  disna  ken  what 
the  party  who  speaks  means;  and  when  the 
party  who  speaks  disna  ken  what  he  means  him- 
sell — that  is  metaphysics." 

Hanging  Together. 

A  Scotch  clergyman,  in  the  great  rebellion, 
said  in  his  prayer,  "  Lord  bless  the  grand  Coun- 
cil the  Parliament,  and  grant  they  may  all  hang 
together  !"  A  country  fellow,  standing  by,  said, 
"  Amen,  with  all  my  heart,  and  the  sooner  the 
better;  and  I  am  sure,  'tis  the  prayer  of  all 
good  people  !"  "  Friends,"  says  Mess  John,  "  I 
don't  mean  as  that  fellow  means;  but  pray  that 
the}'^  may  all  hang  together  in  accord  and  con- 
cord !"  "  No  matter  what  cord,"  answered  the 
rustic,  "  so  'tis  but  a  strong  cord." 

Anecdote  of  Sibhald,  Editor  of  Chronicles  of 
Scottish  Poetry. 

Mr  James  Sibbald,  editor  of  the  Chronicles 
of  Scottish  Poetry,  was  a  man  of  eccentricity 
and  humour.  For  three  or  four  years  he  resided 
in  London,  without  ever  letting  his  Scotch 
friends  know  any  thing  of  his  proceedings,  or 


40  HUMOURIST^S  OWN  BOOK. 

even  where  he  lived.  At  last  his  brother,  a 
Leith  merchant,  found  means  to  get  a  letter 
conveyed  to  him,  the  object  of  which  was  to  in- 
quire into  his  circumstances,  and  to  ask  where 
he  resided.  Sibbald  sent  the  following  laconic 
reply  :~ 

"  Dear  brother, 

"  I  live  in  So-ho,  and  my  business  is  so-so. 
''Yours, 

"  James  Sibbald.'* 


The  Advantage. 

Two  gentleman,  Mr  D.  and  Mr  L  stood  can- 
didates for  a  seat  in  the  legislature  of  New 
York — They  were  violently  opposed  to  each 
other.  By  some  artifice  Mr  D.  gained  the  elec- 
tion. When  he  was  returning  home  much  elated 
with  success,  he  met  a  gentleman,  an  acquain- 
tance of  his "  Well,"  says  D.  *'  I  have  got 

the  election — L.  was  no  match  for  me — I'll  tell 
you  how  I  flung  him — if  there  happened  any 
Dutch  voters,  I  could  talk  Dutch  with  them, 
and  there  I  had  the  advantage  of  him.  If  there 
were  any  Frenchmen,  I  could  talk  French  with 
them,  and  there  I  had  the  advantage  of  him.  But 
as  to  L.  he  was  a  clever,  honest,  sensible  little 
fellow." — "  Yes,  sir,"  replies  the  gentleman, 
"  and  there  he  had  the  advantage  of  you." 

A  Good  Excuse. 

The  Judges  of  the  Court  of  Session,  in  case 
of  their  being  unable  to  attend,  always  send  an 
excuse  to  the  Lord  President.  On  one  occasion, 
when  Lord  StoneReld  sent  an  apologetic  note^ 


humourist's  own  book.  41 

Lord  Braxfield  asked  the  President,  in  his  broad 
dialect,  "  What  excuse  can  a  stout  fellow  like 
him  hae?"  "  My  Lord,"  answered  the  Presi- 
dent, "  he  has  lost  his  wife."  "  Lost  his  wife  !" 
exclaimed  Braxfield,  whose  connubial  lot  was 
not  the  most  happy  ;  "  that  is  a  good  excuse 
truly  ;  I  wish  we  had  a'  the  same  !" 

A  Dovetailer  of  Sermons. 

The  Rev.  Dr  B was  what  is  commonly 

termed  "a  popular  preacher;"  not,  however, 
by  drawing  on  his  own  stores,  but  by  the  knack 
which  he  possessed  of  appropriating  the  thoughts 
and  language  of  other  great  divines  who  had 
gone  before  him,  to  his  own  use,  and  by  a  skil- 
ful splicing  and  dovetailing  of  passages,  so  as 
to  make  a  whole.  Fortunately  for  him,  those 
who  composed  his  audience  were  not  deeply 
skilled  in  pulpit  lore,  and  with  such  he  passed 
for  a  wonder  of  erudition.  It  happened,  how- 
ever, that  the  doctor  was  detected  in  his  literary 
larcenies.  One  Sunday,  a  grave  old  gentleman 
seated  himself  close  to  the  pulpit,  and  listened 
with  profound  attention.  The  doctor  had 
scarcely  finished  his  third  sentence,  before  the 
old  gentleman  said,  loud  enough  to  be  heard  by 
those  near  him,  "  That's  Sherlock."  The  doc- 
tor frowned,  but  went  on.  He  had  not  pro- 
ceeded much  farther,  when  his  grave  auditor 
broke  out  with,  "  That's  Tillotson."  The  doc- 
tor bit  his  lips,  and  paused,  but  again  went  on. 
At  a  third  exclamation  of,  "  That's  Blair,"  the 
doctor  lost  all  patience,  and,  leaning  over  the 
side  of  the  pulpit,  ''  Fellow,"  he  cried,  '*  if  you 
do  not  hold  your  tongue,  you  shall  be  turned 


42  humourist's  own  book. 

out."  Without  altering  a  muscle,  the  old  cynic, 
looking  the  doctor  full  in  the  face,  says,  *'  That's 
his  own." 


Calculation. 

At  the  sale  of  an  antiquarian  gentleman's  ef- 
fects in  Roxburghshire,  which  Sir  Walter  Scott 
happened  to  attend,  there  was  one  little  article, 
a  Roman  patera,  which  occasioned  a  good  deal 
of  competition,  and  was  eventually  knocked 
down  to  the  distinguished  baronet  at  a  high 
price.  Sir  Walter  was  excessively  amused, 
during  the  time  of  the  bidding,  to  observe  how 
much  it  excited  the  astonishment  of  an  old  wo- 
man, who  had  evidently  come  there  to  buy  culi- 
nary utensils  on  a  more  economical  principle. 
"  If  the  parritch-pan,"  she  at  length  burst  out, 
♦'  if  the  parritch-'pan  gangs  at  that,  what  will  the 
kail-pat  gang  for  I" 

I 

intcj-e  you  ought  to  have  been. 

A  clergyman  who  is  in  the  habit  of  preaching 
in  different  parts  of  the  country,  was  not  long 
since  at  an  inn,  where  he  observed  a  horse 
jockey  trying  to  take  in  a  simple  gentleman,  by 
imposing  upon  him  a  broken- winded  horse  for  a 
sound  one.  The  parson  knew  the  bad  charac- 
ter of  the  jockey,  and  taking  the  gentleman 
aside,  told  him  to  be  cautious  of  the  person  he 
was  dealing  with.  The  gentleman  finally  de- 
clined the  purchase,  and  the  jockey,  quite  net- 
tled, observed — "  Parson,  I  had  much  rather 
hear  you  preach,  than  see  you  privately  inter- 
fere in  bargains  between  man  and  man,  in  this 


humourist's  own  book.  43 

way."  "  Well,  (replied  the  parson)  if  you  had 
been  where  you  ought  to  have  been,  last 
Sunday,  you  might  have  heard  me  preach." 
''  Where  was  that,"  inquired  the  jockey.  "  In 
the  State  Prison,"  returned  the  clergyman. 

Jls  Deep  in  the  Mud  as  I  teas  in  the  Mire. 

A  country  gentleman,  who  had  been  out  with 
Montrose,  retiring  to  his  own  parish  after  the 
war  was  done,  was  taken  through  hands  by  the 
presbyterian  clergyman  of  the  place,  and  or- 
dained to  sit  for  a  certain  time  on  the  cutty- 
stool,  as  a  penance  for  his  dreadful  offence. 
"  Ye  should  set  my  mare  there  too,  man,"  cried 
the  intractable  cavalier  to  the  clergyman  who 
delivered  the  sentence  ;  "  I'll  be  hanged  if  she 
wasna  as  deep  i'  the  mud  as  I  was  i'  the  mire  !" 

Old  Acquaintance. 

Lord  Kaimes,  in  one  of  his  circuits,  as  a  Lord 
of  Justiciary  in  Scotland,  having  crossed  the 
Ferry  to  Kinghorn,  the  boatman,  to  his  lordship's 
surprise,  refused  to  take  any  money  for  the  ser- 
vice he  had  rendered  him,  in  consequence  of 
their  being  old  acquaintances.  On  being  desired 
to  explain,  the  boatmen  observed  that  his  name 
was  Tom  Clark,  and  that  he  and  his  wife  Bett 
had  both  been  tried  for  sheep-stealing,  and  if  it 
had  not  been  for  his  lordship's  jaic,  both  Bett 
and  himself  had  either  been  hanged  or  trans- 
ported. His  lordship,  smiling,  bade  him  be 
more  honest  in  future,  as  the  consequence  might 
be  fatal  to  him,  should  their  acquaintance  ever 
be  renewed. 


44  humourist's  own  book. 


I{ae  Motive. 

Every  body  is  aware  of  the  indolent  character 
of  the  author  of  "  The  Seasons  ;"  of  his  being 
found  once  in  a  garden,  eating  fruit  off  a  tree 
with  his  hands  in  his  pockets,  &c.  A  friend 
one  day  entered  his  room,  and,  finding  him  in 
bed,  although  the  day  was  far  spent,  asked  him 
in  the  name  of  wonder  why  he  did  not  get  up  ? 
*•  Man,  I  hae  nae  motive,"  replied  the  poet. 

Judge  Peters. 

On  his  entrance  into  Philadelphia,  General 
Lafayette  was  accompanied  in  the  barouche  by 
the  venerable  Judge  Peters.  The  dust  was 
somewhat  troublesome,  and  from  his  advanced 
age,  i&c.  the  General  felt  and  expressed  some 
solicitude  lest  his  companion  should  experience 
inconvenience  from  it.  To  which  he  replied  : 
"  General,  do  you  not  recollect  that  I  am  a  Judge 
— I  do  not  regard  the  dust,  I  am  accustomed  to 
it.  The  lawyers  throw  dust  in  my  eyes  almost 
every  day  in  the  court  house." 

Robert  Burns. 

Burns  was  one  day  in  a  gentleman's  library. 
The  collection  was  very  fine  ;  but  the  owner 
happened  to  be  a  man  not  the  most  able  in  the 
world  to  appreciate  the  contents.  After  some 
conversation  with  Burns,  he  expressed  himself 
as  being  particular  anxious  about  the  bindings 
of  his  books  :  he  liked  to  see  books  with  a  hand- 
some exterior.     Next  morning  the  wicked  poet 


humourist's  own  book.  45 

v/as  found  to  have  left  the  following  couplet  on 
the  library  table  : — 

Free  through  these  books,  ye  maggots,  make  your 

winding ; 
But,  for  the  owner's  sake,  oh  spare  the  binding ! 

Marquis  of  Montrose. 

A  descendant  of  the  Marquis  of  Montrose  be- 
ing taunted  by  a  Campbell  for  the  long  time  his 
ancestor's  head  was  stuck  upon  the  Tolbooth 
at  Edinburgh,  "  Montrose,"  said  he,  ''  was  too 
good  a  soldier  to  quit  his  post  till  he  was  reliev- 
ed," alluding  to  the  Marquis  of  Argyle's  head 
having  been  placed  in  its  stead,  after  the  resto- 
ration. 


Scotch  Judge. 

A  judge  of  the  Court  of  Session,  well  known 
for  speaking  his  mother  tongue  in  its  broadest 
accent,  as  well  on  the  bench  as  in  common  dis- 
course, on  a  particular  occasion  was  addressed 
by  a  barrister,  equally  noted  for  the  elegance 
and  purity  of  his  style,  as  his  lordship  was  the 
reverse,  who  opened  the  case  of  his  client  in 
the  following  words  : — "  My  lord,  the  pursuer, 
my  client,  is  an  itinerant  violin  player." 
''What's  that?"  said  his  lordship;  "is  that 
what  ye  ca'  a  blin'  fiddler?"  "  Vulgarly  so 
called,''  said  the  lawyer. 

The  President's  Guard. 

An  Englishman  in  Philadelphia,  speaking  of 
the  Presidency  of  Washington,  was  expressing 


46  humourist's  own  book. 

a  wish  to  an  American  to  behold  him.  While 
this  conversation  passed,  ''  There  he  goes,"  re- 
plied the  American,  pointing  to  a  tall,  erect,  dig- 
nified personage,  passing  on  the  other  side  of 
the  street — "  That  General  Washington  !"  ex- 
claimed the  Englishman — "  where  is  his  guard  ?" 
*'  Here,"  replied  the  American,  striking  his  bo- 
som with  emphasis. 

Who  loas  Jesse  ? 

An  old  schoolmaster,  who  usually  heard  his 
pupils  once  a- week  through  Watts's  Scripture 
History,  and  afterwards  asked  them  promiscu- 
ously such  questions  as  suggested  themselves  to 
his  mind,  one  day  desired  a  young  urchin  to  tell 
him  who  Jesse  was  .''  when  the  boy  briskly  re- 
plied, "  The  Flower  of  Dunblane,  sir." 

March  of  Intellect. 

A  gentleman  visiting  Mr  Wood's  school  in 
Edinburgh,  had  a  book  put  into  his  hand  for 
the  purpose  of  examining  a  class.  The  word 
inheritance  occurring  in  the  verse,  the  querist 
interrogated  the  youngster  as  follows: — "  What 
is  inheritance  .'"'  "  Patrimony."  "  What  is  a 
patrimony.^"  "Something  left  by  a  father." 
"  What  would  you  call  it,  if  left  by  a  mother  .?" 
"  Matrhnony." 

Kind  Permission. 

A  candidate  for  the  honour  of  representing 
four  Fife  Burghs  in  Parliament,  calling  upon  an 
honest  shoemaker  for  his  vote  and  influence, 


humourist's  own  book.  47 

took  the  liberty  of  kissing  the  gudewife,  who 
was  a  middle-aged  woman  ;  and,  in  doing  so, 
he  took  the  farther  liberty  of  slipping  a  couple 
of  guineas  out  of  his  own  mouth  into  that  of 
the  matron.  Instead  of  being  offended  by  such 
a  breach  of  decorum,  the  lady  slilv  said,  as  she 
pocketed  tlie  two  shining  pieces,  "  Gin  ye  like, 
sir,  ye  may  kiss  my  dochter  too." 

Lore  your  Enemies. 

A  clergyman  told  an  Indian  he  should  love 
his  enemies.  "  I  do,"  said  the  latter,  "  for  I 
love  Rum  and  Cider." 


Anecdote  of  Burns. 

Burns  was  standing  one  day  upon  the  quay 
at  Greenock,  when  a  wealthy  merchant,  belong- 
ing to  the  town,  had  the  misfortune  to  fall  into 
the  harbour.  He  was  no  swimmer;  and  his 
death  would  have  been  inevitable,  had  not  a 
sailor,  who  happened  to  be  passing  at  the  time, 
immediately  plunged  in,  and,  at  the  ri.sk  of  his 
own  life,  rescued  him  from  his  dangerous  situa- 
tion. The  Greenock  merchant,  upon  recover- 
ing a  little  from  his  fright,  put  his  hand  into  his 
pocket,  and  generously  presented  the  sailor 
with  a  shilling  !  The  crowd,  who  were  by  this 
time  collected,  loudly  protested  against  the  con- 
temptible insignificance  of  the  sum  ;  but  Burns, 
with  a  smile  of  ineffable  scorn,  entreated  them 
to  restrain  their  clamour,  "  For,"  said  he,  "  the 
gentleman  is  of  course  the  best  judge  of  tlie 
value  of  his  own  life." 


48  humourist's  own  book. 


Style  of  Dr  Johnson. 

Dr  Johnson's  style  one  night  became  the  sub- 
ject of  conversation,  in  a  company  where  Sir 
Walter  Scott  was  present.  Some  individuals 
asserted,  that  it  had  been  often  imitated  very 
successfully  ;  indeed,  so  successfully,  that  the 
copy  sounded  quite^as  well  as  the  original. 
''  Ay,  sounded"  said  Sir  Walter  ;  "  but  sound 
only  :  most  of  them  have  his  report,  but  which 
of  them  carries  his  bullet  ?" 

HenvT/  Clay. 

A  few  years  since,  shortly  after  the  agitation 
of  the  famous  compensation  bill  in  Congress, 
Mr  Clay,  who  voted  in  favour  of  this  bill,  upon 
returning  home  to  his  constituents,  found  a  for- 
midable opposition  arrayed  against  his  re-elec- 
tion. After  addressing  the  people  from  the 
hustings,  previous  to  the  opening  of  the  poll, 
he  stepped  down  into  the  crowd,  where  he  met 
an  old  and  influential  friend  of  his,  named  Scott, 
one  of  the  first  settlers  of  Kentucky,  and  of 
course,  in  his  younger  days,  a  great  huntsman. 
This  gentleman,  stepping  up,  addressed  Mr 
Clay  as  follows  : — "  Well,  well,  Harry,  I've 
been  with  you  in  six  troubles;  I  am  sorry  I 
must  now  desert  you  in  the  seventh  ;  you  have 
voted  for  that  miserable  compensation  bill ;  I 
must  now  turn  my  back  upon  you."  "  Is  it  so, 
friend  Scott  ?  Is  this  the  only  objection  .'"'  "  It 
is."  "  We  must  get  over  it  the  best  we  can. 
You  are  an  old  huntsman  .'"    "  Yes."    "  You 


humourist's  own  book.  49 

have  killed  many  a  fat  bear  and  buck  ?"  "  Yes." 
''  I  believe  you  have  a  very  good  rifle  ?"  *'  Yes, 
as  good  a  one  as  ever  cracked."  "  Well,  did 
you  ever  have  a  fine  buck  before  you,  when  your 
gun  snapped?"  "  The  like  of  that  has  happen- 
ed." •'  Well,  now,  friend  Scott,  did  you  take 
that  faithful  rifle  and  break  it  all  to  pieces  on 
the  very  next  log  you  came  to,  or  did  you  pick 
the  flint  and  try  it  again  ?"  The  tear  stood  in 
the  old  man's  eyes.  The  chord  was  touched. 
"  No,  Harry,  I  picked  the  flint,  and  tried  her 
again;  and  I'll  try  you  again;  give  us  your 
hand."  We  need  scarcely  say  that  the  welkin 
rung  with  the  huzzaing  plaudits  of  the  by-stand- 
ers.  Clay  was  borne  off"  to  the  hustings  and  re- 
elected. 


HoiD  to  Make  a  Doctor. 

Before  the  honourable  degree  of  M.D.  is  con- 
ferred, the  candidate  is  commonly  examined  in 
Latin.  At  a  recent  ceremony  of  this  kind  in  a 
University  not  a  hundred  miles  from  Edinburgh, 
the  following  question  was  asked: — "  Quid  est 
creare?"  The  young  iEscuIapius  looked  rather 
nonplused,  but  at  length  answered,  "  Creare  est 
facere  aliquid  ex  nihil."  "  F.rgo^''  was  the  re- 
ply, "  creamus  te  doctor  em. ^' 

Comedy  and  Tragedy  Exchanged. 

Foote  once  came  to  Edinburgh,  with  a  com- 
plete company  of  comedians,  but  did  not  receive 
much  encouragement.  At  length,  after  he  had 
pined  a  month,  a  nobleman  residing  in  town 
ordered  a  tragedy,  and  insisted  on  Foote  and  all 

D 


50  humourist's  ovvjV  book. 

his  comedians  performing  in  it,  notwithstanding 
their  being  not  at  all  adapted  for  that  branch  of 
dramatic  representation.  The  thing  took  well, 
on  account  of  its  absurdit}',  and  the  execra- 
ble acting  ;  and,  after  a  fortnight  of  crowded 
houses,  Foote  returned  in  good  spirits,  remark- 
ing, that  if  comedy  had  become  tragedy  with 
him  in  one  respect,  tragedy,  or  something  very 
like  itj  had  become  comedy  in  another. 

Duke  of  Argyll. 

John  Duke  of  Argyll,  having  been  with  some 
ladies  in  the  Opera-house  in  London,  an  Eng- 
lish squire,  puffing,  blowing,  and  sweating,  en- 
tered the  box  in  which  they  were  seated,  with 
his  hunting  boots  on,  and  whip  in  hand.  The 
Duke  instantly  rose  up,  and  making  a  low  bow, 
exclaimed,  "  Sir,  I  am  very  much  obliged  to 
you."  "Oh!  why? — how.? — for  what.?"  "For 
not  bringing  your  horse  here.'' 

Unacceptable  Gratitude. 

Capt. (we  spare  his  name)  was  walk- 
ing one  day  in  company  with  the  Marquis  of 
Anglesea,  down  Piccadilly,  when  he  was  ac- 
costed by  a  fellow,  half  soldier,  half  beggar, 
with  a  most  reverential  military  salute.  "  God 
bless  your  honour  !  (said  the  man  whose  accent 
betrayed  him  to  be  Irish)  and  long  life  to  you." 
"  How  do  you  know  me  .?"  said  the  captain. 
"  Is  it  how  do  I  know  your  honour,"  responded 
Pat,  "  good  right  sure  I  have,  to  know  the  man 
who  saved  my  life  in  battle."  The  captain, 
highly  gratified  at  this  tribute  to  his  valour  in 


httmourist's  own  book.  51 

such  heaving-,  slid  half  a  crown  into  his  hand, 
and  asked  him  when  ?  "  Qod  bless  your  honour 
and  long  life  to  you,"  sai(J  the  grateful  veteran, 
"  sure  it  was  at  New-Orleans,  when,  seeing  your 
honour  run  away  as  hard  as  your  legs  could  carry 
you  from  the  Yankees,  I  followed  your  lead, 
and  ran  after  you  out  of  the  way  ;  whereby, 
under  God,  I  saved  my  life.  Oh!  good  luck 
to  your  honour,  I  never  will  forget  it  to  you.'* 


Amor  Patriae. 

A  gentleman  from  the  highlands  of  Scotland, 
attended  by  his  trusty  servant  Donald,  a  native 
of  the  wild  and  mountainous  district  of  Locha- 
ber  in  Inverness-shire,  when  travelling  through 
the  fertile  and  delightful  plains  of  Italy,  asked 
Donald  what  he  would  do  if  he  possessed  an  es- 
tate there.?  Donald  instantly  replied,  "  Please 
your  honour,  I  would  sell  him,  and  buy  an  es- 
tate in  Lochaber ! !" 


Poor  Man  of  Mutton. 

A  leg  of  mutton,  in  its  last  stage  of  scraggism, 
is  sometimes  (in  Scotland)  devilled,  or  otherwise 
prepared  for  the  table,  and  then  bears  the  fa- 
miliar title  of"  a  poor  man  of  mutton,"  or  more 
briefly,  "  a  poor  man."  It  is  related  by  Dr 
Jamieson,  in  his  Dictionary,  that  a  Scotch  no- 
bleman entering  an  inn  at  London,  after  a  long 
journey,  and  being  asked  by  the  landlord  what 
he  would  please  to  have,  answered,  with  a 
yawn,  "  I  dare  say,  I  could  take  a  bit  of  a  poor 
man."  "A  bit  of  what.'"  inquired  the  land- 
lord =     "  A  bit   of  a  poor  man,"  repeated   his 


52  humourist's  own  book. 

Lordship.  "  The  Lord  have  a  care  of  my  poor 
soul !"  cried  mine  host,  and  made  but  one  step 
from  the  top  of  the  stair  to  the  bottom  ;  nor 
could  he  be  prevailed  upon,  till  the  phrase  was 
explained  by  the  nobleman's  valet,  to  make  his 
appearance  again  in  the  parlour. 

City  Habits. 

A  gentleman  from  Boston,  on  a  visit  to  his 
friend  in  the  country,  speaking  of  the  times  ob- 
served that  his  wife  had  lately  expended  fifty 
dollars  for  a  habit.  His  friend  replied,  ''  Here 
in  the  country  we  don't  allow  our  wives  to  get 
into  such  habits.^' 


Mutatis  Mutandis. 

An  elderly  fat  gentleman,  in  discussing  a 
warm  beef-steak  at  a  Highland  inn,  called  to 
the  waiting  boy,  "  Donald,  bring  me  more 
bread,  for  I  eat  a  great  deal  of  bread  to  my 
steak."  Donald  answered,  with  much  modest 
simplicity,  "  Ay,  and  please  your  honour,  and 
ye  eat  a  great  deal  of  steak  to  your  bread." 

A  Pun  Whistled. 

A  young  Scotchman  visiting  London  with  his 
father,  and  being  much  given  to  punning,  his 
father  often  reproved  him  for  it,  and  expressed 
a  wish  that  he  would  endeavour  to  leave  it  off 
entirely,  and,  if  possible,  display  a  little  genuine 
wit.  One  day,  taking  a  walk  together,  they 
passed  Newgate,  where  a  man  was  confined  in 
the  stocks,  with  his  head  firmly  jammed  in  be- 


humourist's  own  book.  53 

tween  two  ponderous  blocks  of  wood.  An  ex- 
cellent pun,  strictly  in  point,  instantly  occurred 
to  the  young  man ;  but,  his  father  being  pre- 
sent, he  durst  not  come  out  with  it;  so  he 
contented  himself  with  whistling  the  tune  of 
"  Through  the  wood,  Laddie" 

Hugo  Jlrnot. 

Hugo  Arnot  one  day,  while  panting  with 
asthma,  was  almost  deafened  by  the  noise  of  a 
brawling  fellow  who  was  selling  oysters  below 
his  window.  "  The  extravagant  rascal !"  said 
Hugo,  "  he  has  wasted  as  much  breath  as  would 
have  served  me  for  a  month  !" 

Nothing  Remarkable. 

"  /  rise,  Sir,  for  information,"  said  a  very 
grave  member  of  a  legislative  body,  who  then 
made  no  great  figure  in  the  business  in  which 
he  was  engaged,  but  has  since  far  outgrown  in 
political  importance  both  his  own  and  his  neigh- 
bour's expectations.  "  /  am  very  glad  to  hear 
it,"  said  a  by-stander,  "for  no  man  wants  it 
more." 

Anecdotes  of  Speaking  out  in  Churches. 

A  most  amusing  instance  of  speaking  out  in 
church  occurred  some  years  ago,  in  the  parish  of 

.     The  minister,  in  preaching  upon  the 

story  of  Jonah,  uttered  a  piece  of  declamatory 
rhetoric,  to  something  like  the  following  ef- 
fect:— "And  what  sort  of  a  fish  was  it,  my 
brethren,  that  God  had  appointed  thus  to  exe- 


54  humourist's  own  book. 

cute  his  holy  will  ?  Was  it  a  shark ,  my  brethren  ? 
No — it  could  not  be  a  shark ;  for  God  could 
never  have  ventured  the  person  of  his  beloved 
Prophet  amongst  the  deadly  teeth  of  that  raven- 
ous fish.  What  fish  was  it,  then,  my  brethren  ? 
Was  it  a  salmon,  think  ye  ?  Ah,  no  ;  that  were 
too  narrow  lodging.  There's  no  ae  salmon  i' 
the  deepest  pule  o'  a'  Tweed  could  swallow  a 
man.  Besides,  ye  ken,  it's  rnair  natural  for 
men  to  swallow  salmon,  than  for  salmon  to 
swallow  men.  What,  then,  was  it .?  Was  it  a 
sea  lion,  or  a  sea  horse,  or  a  sea  dog,  or  the 
great  rhinoceros.?  Oh,  no!  These  are  not 
Scripter  beasts  ava.  Ye're  as  far  off't  as  ever. 
Which  of  the  monsters  of  the  great  deep  was 
it,  can  ye  tell  me?" — Here  an  old  spectacled 
dame,  who  had  an  eleemosynary  seat  on  the 
pulpit  stair,  thinking  that  the  minister  was  in  a 
real  perplexity  about  the  name  of  the  fish,  in- 
terrupted him  with,  "  Hoot,  sir,  it  was  a  whale, 
ye  ken."  "  Out  upon  ye,  you  graceless  wife 
that  you  are  !''  cried  the  orator,  so  enraged  as 
almost  to  fly  out  of  the  pulpit  at  her  ;  ''  thus  to 
take  the  word  out  of  the  mouth  of  God's  minis- 
ter!" 

Another  amusing  instance  of  a  similar  piece 
of  indecorum  occurred  at  Biggar.  It  must  be 
well  known  to  our  readers,  that  the  more  igno- 
rant and  zealous  congregations  of  the  Scottish 
church,  in  common  with  those  belonging  to 
what  is  called  the  Secession,  entertain  a  very 
strong  prejudice  against  the  use  of  written  notes 
in  the  pulpit.  The  contempt  with  which  clergy- 
men are  sometimes  treated  on  this  account, 
would  astonish  the  liberal  minds  of  their  Eng- 


HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK.  OD 

lish  neighbours.  In  one  case,  which  has  come 
within  our  knowledge,  tliis  contempt  proceeded 
so  far  as  to  occasion  a  speaking  out.  The  min- 
ister of  Biggar,  in  Lanarksliire,  whose  abihties, 
whatever  they  might  be,  were  held  in  the  ut- 
most scorn  on  account  of  his  reading,  was  one 
day  concluding  his  discourse,  as  an  old  woman  of 
the  true  old  leaven  was  leaving  the  church.  He 
closed  the  leaves  of  his  sermon,  and  those  of 
the  Bible  at  the  same  time,  saying,  with  em- 
phasis, intended  as  a  sort  of  clencher  to  his 
argument,  ''  I  add  no  more."  "  Because  ye 
canna  !"  cried  the  old  woman. 


Mrs  Richard  Shubrick. 

Here  was,  indeed,  a  heroine  to  be  proud  of. 
Her  eyes  sparkled  with  feeling  and  vivacity, 
while  her  countenance  so  plainly  bespoke  her 
kindness  and  benevolence,  that  sorrow  and  mis- 
fortune instinctively  sought  shelter  under  her 
protection.  There  vvas  an  appearance  of  per- 
sonal debility  about  her,  that  rendered  her  pecu- 
liarly interesting ;  it  seemed  to  solicit  the  in- 
terest of  every  heart,  and  the  man  Would  have 
felt  himself  degraded  who  would  not  have  put 
his  life  at  hazard  to  serve  her.  Yet,  when 
firmness  of  character  was  requisite,  when  forti- 
tude was  called  for  to  repel  the  encroachments 
of  aggression,  there  was  not  a  more  intrepid 
being  in  existence.  The  following  is  a  noble 
instance  of  it.  An  American  soldier,  flying 
from  a  party  of  the  enemy,  sought  her  protec- 
tion, and  was  promised  it.  The  British  pressing 
close  upon  him,  insisted  that  he  should  be  de- 
livered up,  threatening  immediate  and  universal 


56  humourist's  OWN  BOOK. 

destruction  in  case  of  refusal.  The  ladies,  her 
friends  and  companions,  who  were  in  the  house 
with  her,  shrunk  from  the  contest,  and  were 
silent ;  but,  undaunted  by  their  threats,  this 
intrepid  lady  placed  herself  before  the  chamber 
into  which  the  unfortunate  fugitive  had  been 
conducted,  and  resolutely  said, — *'  To  men  of 
honour  the  chamber  of  a  lady  should  be  as  sa- 
cred as  the  sanctuary  !  I  will  defend  the  pass- 
age to  it  though  I  perish.  You  may  succeed, 
and  enter  it,  but  it  shall  be  over  my  corpse." 
"  Indeed,"  said  the  officer,  "  if  muskets  were 
only  placed  in  the  hands  of  a  few  such  women, 
our  only  safety  would  be  found  in  retreat.  Your 
intrepidity.  Madam,  gives  you  security  ;  from 
me  you  shall  meet  no  further  annoyance." 

Nor  is  this  the  only  instance  of  her  uncon-' 
querable  fortitude.  At  Brabant,  the  seat  of  the 
respectable  and  patriotic  Bishop  Smith,  a  Ser- 
geant of  Tarleton's  Dragoons,  eager  for  the 
acquisition  of  plunder,  followed  the  Overseer, 
a  man  advanced  in  years,  into  the  apartment 
where  the  ladies  of  the  family  were  assembled, 
and  on  his  refusal  to  discover  the  spot  in  which 
the  plate  was  concealed,  struck  him  with  vio- 
lence, inflicting  a  severe  sabre  wound  across  the 
shoulders.  Aroused  by  the  infamy  of  the  act, 
Mrs  Shubrick,  starting  from  her  seat,  and  plac- 
ing herself  betwixt  the  ruffian  and  his  victim, 
resolutely  said,  "  Place  yourself  behind  me, 
Murdoch  ;  the  interposition  of  my  body  shall 
give  you  protection,  or  I  v/ill  die  :"  then,  ad- 
dressing herself  to  the  Sergeant,  exclaimed,  "  O 
what  a  degradation  of  manhood — what  depar- 
ture from  that  gallantry  which  was  once  the 
characteristic  of  British  soldiers.     Human  na- 


humourist's  own  book.  57 

ture  is  degraded  by  your  barbarity  ; — but  should 
you  persist,  then  strike  at  me,  for  till  I  die,  no 
further  injury  shall  be  done  to  him.  The  Ser- 
geant, unable  to  resist  such  commanding  elo- 
quence, retired.  The  hope,  however,  of  attain- 
ing the  object  in  view,  very  speedily  subjected 
the  unfortunate  Murdoch  to  new  persecution. 
He  was  tied  up  under  the  very  tree  where  the 
plate  was  buried,  and  threatened  with  immediate 
execution  unless  he  would  make  the  discovery 
required.  But  although  well  acquainted  with 
the  unrelenting  severity  of  his  enemy,  and 
earnestly  solicited  by  his  wife  to  save  his  life 
by  a  speedy  confession  of  the  place  of  deposit, 
he  persisted  resolutely,  that  a  sacred  trust  was 
not  to  be  betrayed,  and  actually  succeeded  in 
preserving  it.  When  complimented  at  an  after 
period  on  his  heroic  firmness,  he  asserted,  that 
he  was  strengthened  in  his  resolution  by  the 
recollection  that  a  part  of  the  plate  belonged  to 
the  church,  and  that  he  should  have  considered 
it  as  sacrilege,  had  he  suffered  it,  through  a 
weakness  of  disposition,  to  fall  into  the  hands 
of  robbers. 


Miss  Flint. 

"  Who  is  that  gentleman  walking  with  Miss 
Flint?"  said  a  wag  to  his  companion,  as  they 
walked  along  Prince's  street.  "  Oh,"  replied  the 
other,  "that  is  a  spark  which  she  has  struck.^' 

Bannockhurn. 

Two  English  gentlemen  visited  the  field  of 
Bannockburn,  so  celebrated  for  the  total  defeat 


58  humourist's  own  book. 

of  the  English  army,  by  Robert  the  Bruce.  A 
country  blacksmith  pointed  out  the  positions  of 
both  armies,  the  stone  where  the  Bruce's  stand- 
ard was  fixed  during  the  battle,  &c.  Highly 
satisfied  with  his  attention,  the  gentleman,  on 
leaving  him,  pressed  his  acceptance  of  a  crown- 
piece  :  '•  Na,  na,"  said  Vulcan,  drawing  himself 
up,  and  adding  with  emphasis,  "  It  has  cost  ye 
enough  already." 

Pleasure  and  Pain. 

The  Hon.  Thomas  Erskine  was  one  evening 
taken  suddenly  ill  at  Lady  Payne's  :  on  her  ex- 
pressing a  hope  that  his  indisposition  might  not 
be  serious,  he  answered  her  in  the  following  im- 
promptu : — 

'Tis  true  I  am  ill,  but  I  need  not  complain, 

For  he  never  knew  pleasure  who  never  knew  Payne. 

Pun  upon  Pun. 

The  Hon.  Henry  Erskine,  observing  a  spot 
of  grease  upon  a  friend's  coat,  said,  that  he  was 
at  present  in  the  same  situation  with  his  horse. 
"  How  is  that?"  the  gentleman  asked.  "Be- 
cause," replied  Mr  E.  "  you  are  greased.'^  "  Oh, 
Harry,"  said  his  friend,  "  that  wit  is  far-fetck- 
ed."  "  By  no  means,"  exclaimed  Mr  E.  "  it  is 
inade  upon  the  spot." 

The  British  Lion. 

In  the  commencement  of  the  American  revo- 
lution, when  one  of  the  British  king's  thunder- 
ing proclamations  made   its    appearance,  the 


humourist's  own  book.  59 

subject  was  mentioned  in  a  company  in  Phila- 
delphia ;  a  member  of  congress  who  was  pre- 
sent, turning  to  Miss  Livingston,  said,  "  Well, 
Miss,  are  you  greatly  terrified  at  the  roaring  of 
the  British  Lion?"  "  Not  at  all,  sir,  for  I  have 
learned  from  Natural  History,  that  beast  roars 
loudest  when  he  is  most  frightened.'' 

Os  Tuum. 

In  the  humanity  class  of  Glasgow,  it  is  a 
practice  amongst  the  students,  to  call  out  to 
any  of  their  companions  who  leave  the  class- 
room door  open, — 

"  Claude  ostium,  puer." 

Once,  during  the  time  of  Professor  Muirhead, 
on  a  student  being  very  forward  in  vociferating 
this  injunction,  the  Professor  exclaimed, — 

"  Claude  os-tuum,  puer  !" 

Staymakers, 

The  Hon.  Henry  Erskine  being  retained  as 
counsel  for  a  body  of  shoemakers,  in  a  question 
before  the  Court  of  Session,  in  Scotland,  the 
cause  was  repeatedly  called  before  the  Lord 
Ordinary ;  but,  after  waiting  a  considerable 
time,  the  other  party's  counsel  not  appearing, 
Mr  E.  observed  to  his  Lordship,  '•  that  the  pre- 
sent was  certainly  a  cause  of  stay-makeis." 

A  poor  Mouthful  for  a  Gourmand. 

It  was  once  observed,  in  the  Parliament  House 
at  Edinburgh,  that  a  gentleman,  who  was  known 


60  humourist's  own  book. 

to  have  a  pretty  good  appetite,  had  eaten  away 
his  senses.  "  Pooh  !"  replied  Henry  Erskine, 
"  they  would  not  be  a  mouthful  to  him." 

J3ccusation  and  Acquittal. 

A  person  looking  over  the  catalogue  of  pro- 
fessional gentleman  of  the  Bar,  with  his  pencil 
wrote  against  the  name  of  one  who  is  of  the 
bustling  order — "  Has  been  accused  of  possessing 
talents." — Another  seeing  the  accusation,  im- 
mediately wrote  under  the  charge — "  Has  been 
tried  and  acquitted." 

King  James  I. 

Among  the  addresses  presented  upon  the  ac- 
cession of  that  Solomon  of  Great  Britain,  James 
the  First,  was  one  from  the  ancient  town  of 
Shrewsbury,  wishing  his  Majesty  might  reign 
as  long  as  the  sun,  moon,  and  stars  endured. 
*'  In  troth,  man,"  said  the  King  to  the  person 
who  presented  it,  "  If  I  do,  my  son  must  reign 
by  candle-light." 

Anecdote  of  the  Battle  of  Trafalgar, 

Nothing  galls  the  national  pride  of  a  true-blue 
Scot  more  than  the  liberties  that  have  been 
taken  with  that  article  of  the  Union,  which  ex- 
pressly declared,  that  Britain  should  be  the  only 
recognized  designation  of  the  United  Kingdoms 
of  Scotland  and  England.  The  King  of  Eng- 
land, the  English  Ambassador,  the  English 
Army,  the  English  Fleet,  &c.  are  therefore 
terms  particularly  offensive  to  a  Scottish  ear. 


humourist's  own  book.  61 

An  instance  of  this  feeling  occurred  at  the  bat- 
tle of  Trafalgar.  Two  Scotchmen,  messmates 
and  bosom  cronies,  from  the  same  little  clachan, 
happened  to  be  stationed  near  each  other,  when 
the  celebrated  intimation  was  displayed  from 
the  Admiral's  ship.  "  Look  up,  and  read  yon, 
Jock,"  said  the  one  to  the  other  :  "  '  England 
expects  every  man  to  do  his  duty' — no  a  word 
frae  puir  auld  Scotland  on  this  occasion."  Jock 
cocked  his  eye  at  the  object  for  a  moment,  and, 
turning  to  his  companion,  thus  addressed  him — 
"Man,  Geordie,  is  that  a'  your  sense.'' — Scot- 
land kens  weel  enough  that  her  bairns  will  do 
their  duty — that's  just  a  hint  to  the  ETigUshers.'* 

Highland  Ancestry. 

The  following  is  an  amusing  instance  of  the 
tenacity  with  which  the  Highlanders  hold  to 
the  honours  and  antiquity  of  their  kindred  : — 
A  dispute  arose  between  Campbell  and  M'Lean 
upon  the  never-ending  subject.  M'Lean  would 
not  allow  that  the  Campbells  had  any  right  to 
rank  with  the  M'Leans  in  antiquity,  who,  he 
insisted,  were  in  existence  as  a  clan  from  the 
beginning  of  the  world.  Campbell  had  a  little 
more  biblical  lore  than  his  antagonist,  and  asked 
him  if  the  clan  M'Lean  was  before  the  flood. 
''Flood!  what  flood?"  said  MLean.  '-The 
flood  you  know  that  drowned  all  the  world  but 
Noah  and  his  family  and  his  flocks,"  said  Camp- 
bell. "Pooh!  youandyour  flood,"  said  M'Lean, 
"  my  clan  was  afore  ta  flood."  "  I  have  not 
read  in  my  Bible,"  said  Campbell,  ''  of  the 
name    of  M'Lean    going    into    Noah's    ark." 


62  humourist's  own  book. 

"  Noah's  ark !"  retorted  M'Lean  in  contempt, 
"  who  ever  heard  of  a  M'Lean  that  had  not  a 
boat  of  his  own?" 

Good  Rctwncd  for  Evil. 

When  we  arrived  at  Albany,  says  the  baro- 
ness Reidesel,  where  we  so  often  wished  our- 
selves, but  where  we  did  not  enter  as  we  ex- 
pected we  should — victors  !  we  were  received 
by  the  good  General  Schuyler,  his  wife  and 
daughters,  not  as  enemies,  but  kind  friends  ; 
and  they  treated  us  with  the  most  marked  atten- 
tion and  politeness,  as  they  did  General  Bur- 
goyne,  who  had  caused  General  S 's  beauti- 
fully finished  house  to  be  burnt ;  in  fact  they 
behaved  like  persons  of  exalted  minds,  who  de- 
termined to  bury  all  recollection  of  their  own 
injuries  in  the  contemplation  of  oj^r  misfortunes. 
General  Burgoyne  was  struck  with  General 
Schuyler's  generosity,  and  said'  to  him,  ''  You 
show  me  great  kindness,  although  I  have  done 
you  much  injury."  "  That  icas  the  fate  of  war  " 
replied  the  brave  man,  "  let  us  say  no  more  about 

it:' 


Reproof. 

A  poor  old  deaf  man,  residing  in  a  Fifeshire 
village,  was  visited  one  day  by  the  parish  cler- 
gyman, who  had  recently  taken  a  resolution  to 
pay  such  visits  regularly  to  his  parishioners, 
and  therefore  made  a  promise  to  the  wife  of  this 
villager  that  he  would  call  occasionally  and 
pray  with  him.     The  minister,  however,  soon 


humourist's  own  book.  63 

fell  through  his  resolution,  and  did  not  pay 
another  visit  to  the  deaf  man  till  two  years  after, 
when,  happening  to  go  through  the  alley  in 
which  the  poor  man  lived,  he  found  the  wife  at 
the  door,  and  therefore  could  not  avoid  inquir- 
ing for  her  husband.  ♦'  Well,  Margaret,"  said 
the  minister,  "  how  is  Thamas.?"  "  Nae  the 
better  o'  you,"  was  the  rather  curt  answer. 
"How,  how,  Margaret?"  inquired  the  minis- 
ter. ''  Ou,  ye  promised  twa  years  syne  to  ca' 
and  pray  ance  a  fortnight  wi'  him,  and  ye  never 
ance  darkened  the  door  sin  syne."  "  Well, 
well,  Margaret,  don't  be  so  short.  I  thought  it 
w^as  not  very  necessary  to  call  and  pray  with 
Thamas,  for  he's  deaf,  you  know,  and  cannot 
hear  me."  ''  But,  sir,"  rejoined  the  woman, 
"  the  Lord  's  no  deaf.'"  And  the  indolent  clergy- 
man shrunk  abashed  from  the  cottage. 

Woman's  Wisdom. 

One  of  the  Cecil  family,  minister  to  Scotland 
from  England,  was  speaking  to  Mary,  Queen  of 
Scots,  of  the  wisdom  of  his  sovereign,  Queen 
Elizabeth.  Mary  stopped  him  short  by  saying, 
"  Pray,  sir,  don't  talk  to  me  of  the  wisdom  of  a 
woman ;  I  think  I  know  my  own  sex  pretty 
well,  and  can  assure  you,  that  the  wisest  of  us 
all  is  only  a  little  less  a  fool  than  the  others." 

Henrxj  Clay. 

In  the  long  dispute  between  the  States  of 
Virginia  and  Kentucky,  growing  out  of  what 
was  termed  the  *'  occupying  claimant  laws," 
Mr  Clay  was  retained  by  Kentucky  to  maintain 


64  humourist's  own  book. 

her  rights  before  "  that  tribunal  in  the  last  re- 
sort," the  Supreme  Court  of  the  United  States. 
The  then  Speaker  of  the  House  of  Representa- 
tives was  to  appear  for  the  first  time  before  that 
elevated,  dignified  and  venerable  body  ;  and  a 
large  concourse  of  spectators  was  attracted  by  a 
natural  curiosity  to  determine  whether  the  ora- 
tor of  the  West  would  be  able  to  sustain  his 
high  reputation  upon  this  new  and  untried 
theatre. — When  he  rose,  it  was  with  some 
slight  agitation  of  manner ;  but  he  soon  recov- 
ered his  wonted  composure,  and  held  his  auditors 
in  admiring  attention,  while  he  pronounced  a 
most  beautiful  eulogium  upon  the  character  of 
the  sons  of  Kentucky.  The  Judges  sat  in  their 
black  robes  of  office,  sedate  and  attentive.  The 
late  Judge  Washington,  who  was  in  the  habit 
of  indulging  himself  with  an  occasional  pinch 
of  snuff,  had  taken  out  his  snuff-box  for  a  little 
of  that  titillating  restorative;  and  Mr  Clay,  on 
observing  it,  instantly  stopped,  and  advancing 
gracefully  to  the  bench  with  his  thumb  and 
finger  extended,  participated  with  the  Judge  in 
the  refreshment  of  his  nasal  organs.  As  he  ap- 
plied the  pinch,  he  observed,  "  I  perceive  that 
your  Honour  sticks  to  the  Scotch,"  and  imme- 
diately resuming  his  stand,  he  proceeded  in 
his  argument  without  the  least  embarrassment. 
So  extraordinary  a  step  over  the  usual  barrier 
which  separates  this  Court  and  the  barristers, 
excited  not  a  little  astonishment  and  admiration 
among  the  spectators  ;  and  it  Vv'as  afterwards 
well  remarked  by  Judge  S.  in  relating  the 
circumstance  to  a  friend,  that  '•  he  did  not  be- 
lieve there  was  a  man  in  the  United  States  who 
could  have  done  that,  but  Henry  Clay." 


humourist's  own  book.  G5 


Electioneering. 

An  eccentric  clergyman,  of  the  name  of 
Ogilvy,  formerly  minister  of  Lunan  in  Forfar- 
shire, was  in  request  at  an  election  for  the  coun- 
ty, in  consequence  of  his  having  a  freehold  vote. 
One  Sunday,  Lord  Gray,  whose  party  he  es- 
poused, sent  into  the  church  to  say,  that  he 
wished  to  see  the  parson  at  the  public-house. 
Mr  Ogilvy  immediately  stopped  his  discourse, 
and  said,  "My  brethren,  I  am  ca.lled  on  the 
business  of  the  nation  ;  you  will  sing  to  the 
praise  and  glory  of  God  from  the  beginning 
of  the  119th  Psalm  ;  and,  if  I  have  not  returned 
when  you  have  concluded  it,  you  may  either 
begin  it  again,  or  go  on  the  next,  as  you  like 
best." 


Prejudice  Reconciled. 

Bensley,  the  player,  was  originally  a  captain 
in  the  army.  One  day  he  met  a  Scotch  officer, 
who  had  been  in  the  same  resfiment.  The  lat- 
ter was  happy  to  meet  au  old  messmate  ;  but 
his  Scotch  blood  njade  him  ashamed  to  be  seen 
with  a  player.  He  therefore  hurried  Mr  Bens- 
ley  into  an  unfrequented  coffee-house,  where 
he  asked  him,  very  seriously,  "  Hoo  could  ye 
disgrace  the  corps,  by  turning  a  play-actor.''" 
Mr  Bensley  replied,  that  he  by  no  means  con- 
sidered it  in  that  light ;  that,  on  the  contrary,  a 
respectable  player,  who  behaved  with  propriety, 
was  looked  upon  in  the  best  manner,  and  kept 
the  company  of  the  first  people.  "  And  what, 
ilian,"  said  the  other,  '•'  do  you  get  by  this  busj- 

E 


66  humourist's  own  book. 

ness  of  yours  ?"  "  I  now,"  answered  Mr  Bens- 
ley,  "  get  .about  a  thousand  a-year."  *•  A  thoo- 
sand  a  year  !"  exclaimed  Saunders,  astonished  } 
"  hae  you  ony  vacancies  in  your  corps  ?" 

Mercantile  Indigestion,  with  the  Prescriptions 
of  an  Edinburgh  Professor. 

Scene — Doctor's  Stud}'.     Enter  a  douce  look- 
ing Glasgow  Merchant. 

Patient. — Good  morning,  doctor ;  I'm  just 
come  in  to  Edinburgh  about  some  law  business, 
and  I  thought,  when  I  was  here  at  on}'  rate,  I 
might  just  as  weel  tak  your  advice,  sir,  anent 
vny  trouble. 

Doctor. — And  pray  what  may  your  trouble  be, 
my  good  sir  ? 

P. — 'Deed,  doctor,  I'm  no  very  sure  ;  but  I'm 
thinking  it's  a  kind  of  weakness  that  makes  me 
dizzy  at  times,  and  a  kind  of  pinkling  about  my 
stomach — just  no  right. 

Dr. — You're  from  the  west  country  I  should 
suppose,  sir .'' 

P. — Yes,  sir,  from  Glasgow. 

Dr. — Ay.  Pray,  sir,  are  you  a  gourmand — 
a  glutton .? 

P. — God  forbid,  sir!  I'm  one  of  the  plainest 
men  living  in  all  the  west  country. 

Dr. — Then,  perhaps,  you're  a  drunkard  ? 

P. — No,  doctor;  thank  God,  no  one  can  ac- 
cuse me  of  that :  I'm  of  the  Dissenting  persua- 
sion, doctor,  and  an  elder ;  so  yo  may  suppose 
I'm  nae  drunkard. 

Dr. — {Aside — I'll  suppose  no  such  tiling,  till 
you  tell  me  your  mode  of  life.)     I'm  so  much 


humourist's  own  book.  67 

puzzled  with  your  symptoms,  sir,  that  I  should 
wish  to  hear  in  detail  what  you  eat  and  drink. 
When  do  you  brealcfast,  and  what  do  you  take 
to  it  ? 

P. — I  breakfast  at  nine  o'clock.  I  tak  a  cup 
of  coffee,  and  one  or  two  cups  of  tea  ;  a  couple 
of  eggs,  and  a  bit  of  ham  or  kipper'd  salmon,  or 
may  be  both,  if  they're  good,  and  two  or  three 
rolls  and  butter. 

Dr. — Do  you  eat  no  honey,  or  jelly,  or  jam, 
to  breakfast  ? 

P. — O  yes,  sir  ;  but  I  don't  count  that  as  any 
thing. 

Dr. —  Come,  this  is  a  very  moderate  break- 
fast.    What  kind  of  dinner  do  you  make  .'' 

P. — Oh,  sir,  I  eat  a  very  plain  dinner  indeed. 
Some  soup,  and  some  fish,  and  a  little  plain 
roast  or  boiled  ;  for  I  dinna  care  for  made  dishes ; 
I  think,  some  way,  they  never  satisfy  the  appe- 
tite. 

Dr. — You  take  a  little  pudding,  then,  and 
afterwards  some  cheese  ? 

P. — Oh  yes ;  though  I  don't  care  much  about 
them. 

Dr. — You  take  a  glass  of  ale  or  porter  with 
your  cheese  .'' 

P. — Yes,  one  or  the  other,  but  seldom  both. 

Dr. — You  west  country  people  generally  take 
a  glass  of  Highland  whiskey  after  dinner  ? 

P. — Yes,  we  do  ;  it's  good  for  digestion. 

Dr. — Do  you  take  any  wine  during  dinner? 

P. — Yes,  a  glass  or  two  of  sherry;  but  I'm 
indifferent  as  to  wine  during  dinner.  I  drink  a 
good  deal  of  beer. 

Dr. —  What  quantity  of  port  do  you  drink  .^ 


68  humourist's  own  book. 

P. — Oh,  very  little  •,  not  above  half  a  dozen 
glasses  or  so. 

Dr. — In  the  west  country,  it  is  impossible,  I 
hear,  to  dine  without  punch? 

P. — Yes,  sir ;  indeed  'tis  punch  we  drink 
chiefly ;  but,  for  myself,  unless  I  happen  to 
have  a  friend  with  me,  I  never  tak  more  than 
a  couple  of  tumblers  or  so, — and  that's  moderate. 

-Dr. — Oh,  exceedingly  moderate  indeed  !  You 
then,  after  this  slight  repast,  take  some  tea,  and 
bread  and  butter  ? 

P. — Yes,  before  I  go  to  the  counting-house 
to  read  the  evening  letters. 

Dr. — And,  on  your  return,  you  take  supper, 
I  suppose  ? 

P. — No,  sir,  I  canna  be  said  to  tak  supper  ; 
just  something  before  going  to  bed:  a  rizzer'd 
haddock,  or  a  bit  of  toasted  cheese,  or  half  a 
hundred  of  oysters,  or  the  like  o'  that;  and, 
may  be,  two-tliirds  of  a  bottle  of  ale  ;  but  I  tak 
no  regular  supper. 

Dr. — But  you  take  a  little  more  punch  after 
that  ? 

P. — No,  sir  ;  punch  does  not  agree  with  me 
at  bed  time.  I  tak  a  tumbler  of  warm  whiskey 
toddy  at  night ;  it's  lighter  to  sleep  on. 

Dr. — So  it  must  be,  no  doubt.  This,  you 
say,  is  your  every-  day  life  ;  but,  upon  great  oc- 
casions, you  perhaps  exceed  a  little  .'' 

P. — Ho,  sir,  except  when  a  friend  or  two  dine 
with  me.  or  I  dine  out,  which,  as  I  am  a  sober 
family  man,  does  not  often  happen. 

Dr. — Not  above  twice  a- week  .^ 

P. — No  ;  not  oftener. 

Dr. — Of  course  you  sleep  well,  and  have  a 
good  appetite .'' 


humourist's  own  book.  69 

P. — Yes,  sir,  thank  God,  I  have;  indeed, 
any  wee  harl  o'  health  that  I  hae  is  about  meal- 
time. 

Dr. — (Assuming  a  severe  look,  knitting  his 
brows,  and  lowering  his  eyebrows.)  Now,  sir, 
you  are  a  vpry  pretty  fellow,  indeed  ;  you  come 
here  and  tell  me  that  you  are  a  moderate  man, 
and  I  might  have  believed  you,  did  1  not  know 
the  nature  of  the  people  in  your  part  of  the 
country ;  but,  upon  examination,  I  find,  by  your 
own  showing,  that  j'^ou  are  a  most  voracious 
glutton  ;  you  breakfast  in  the  morning  in  a  style 
that  would  serve  a  moderate  man  for  dinner ; 
and,  from  five  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  you  un- 
dergo one  almost  uninterrupted  loading  of  your 
stomach  till  you  goto  bed.  This  is  your  mode- 
ration !  you  told  me,  too,  another  falsehood — 
you  said  you  were  a  sober  man ;  yet,  by  your 
own  showing,  you  are  a  beer  swiller,  a  dram 
drinker,  a  wine  bibber,  and  a  guzzler  of  Glas- 
gow punch  ;  a  liquor,  the  name  of  which  is  as- 
sociated, in  my  mind,  only  with  the  ideas  of 
low  company  and  beastly  intoxication.  You 
tell  me  you  eat  indigestible  suppers,  and  swill 
toddy  to  force  sleep — I  see  that  you  chew  to- 
bacco. Now,  sir,  what  human  stomach  can 
stand  this.?  Go  home,  sir,  and  leave  off  your 
present  course  of  riotous  living — take  some  dry 
toast  and  tea  to  your  breakfast — some  plain  meat 
and  soup  for  your  dinner,  without  adding  to  it 
any  thing  to  spur  on  your  flagging  appetite ; 
you  may  take  a  cup  of  tea  in  the  evening,  but 
never  let  me  hear  of  haddocks  and  toasted 
cheese,  and  oysters,  with  their  accompaniments 
of  ale  and  toddy  at  night  ;  give  up  chewing 
that  vile,  narcotic,  nauseous  abomination,  and 


70  humourist's  own  book. 

there  are  some  hopes  that  your  stomach  may 
recover  its  tone,  and  you  be  in  good  health  like 
your  neighbours. 

P. — I'm  sure,  doctor,  I'm  very  much  obhged 
to  you — (taking  out  a  bunch  of  bank  notes) — I 
shall  endeavour  to 

Dr. — Sir,  you  are  not  obliged  to  me — put  up 
your  money,  sir.  Do  you  think  I'll  take  a  fee 
from  you  for  telling  you  what  you  knew  as  well 
myself.?  Though  you  are  no  physician,  sir,  you 
are  not  altogether  a  fool.  You  have  read  your 
Bible,  and  must  know  that  drunkenness  and 
gluttony  are  both  sinful  and  dangerous;  and, 
whatever  you  may  think,  you  have  this  day 
confessed  to  me  that  you  are  a  notorious  glut- 
ton and  drunkard.  Go  home,  sir,  and  reform, 
or,  take  my  word  for  it,  your  life  is  not  worth 
half  a  year's  purchase. 

{Exit  Patient,  dumhfounded  and  looking  blue. 

Dr. — {Solus.)  Sober  and  temperate  !  Dr 
Watt  tried  to  live  in  Glasgow,  and  make  his 
patients  live  moderately,  and  purged  and  bled 
them  when  they  were  sick  ;  but  it  would  not 
do.  Let  the  Glasgow  doctors  prescribe  beef- 
steaks and  rum  punch,  and  their  fortune  is 
made. 


George  Schaffer  and  the  Salamander  Hat. 

Whilst  Schaffer  was  at  a  tavern  in  Epping, 
N.  H.,  he  noticed  a  raw-looking  would-be-dandy 
sort  of  a  fellow,  strutting  about,  with  all  the 
consequence  allowable  to  persons  who  wear 
new  hats  and  fine  clothes  ;  and  thinking  this 
to  be  a  fine  opportunity  for  enjoying  a  little 
sport  at  the  bumpkin's  expense,  he  accordingly 


humourist's  own  book.  71 

addressed  himself  in  a  very  respectfal  manner 
to  the  fellow  in  the  following  words  : — "  A 
beautiful  hat  that  of  yours,  sir  :  pray,  young 
gentleman,  if  I  may  be  so  bold,  what  did  you 
give  for  that?" — "  Eight  dollars,"  said  the  fel- 
low, with  an  air  of  consequence.  ''  But  eight 
dollars  ?  Indeed,  sir  !  Why  I  pretend  to  know 
something  about  hats,  being  a  hatter  myself, — 
and  I  consider  that  hat  to  be  as  much  worth 
twenUj  dollars,  as  the  one  I  wear  myself,  which 
I  gave  twenty-five  for,  by  the  gross.  Why,  sir, 
they  are  very  scarce — very  few  of  the  salaman- 
der hats  imported  now-a-days."  "  What  are 
they.'' — salamander  h3.is  ?'''  said  the  fellow.  ''To 
be  sure,"  said  SchafFer,  "  did  you  never  hear  of 
the  salamander  hats,  which  are  made  of  a  sub- 
stance called  asbestos,  Vv'hich  resists  the  action 
of  heat  ? — so  that  if  you  should  leave  one  in  the 
fire  aji  hour,  it  wouldn't  burn."  ''  What,"  said 
the  fellow,  "  won't  my  hat  burn,  if  I  should  go 
to  stick  it  into  that  are  grate  ?"  "  Burn  !"  bel- 
lowed SchafFer,  staring  in  his  peculiar  manner, 
**  to  be  sure  the  salamander  hats  never  burn  !" 
"  What  will  you  bet,  now,  that  my  hat  won't 
burn.''"  said  the  fellov>",  taking  oflf  his  hat  and 
examining  it.  "Bet.''"  said  SchafFer,  "  I  never 
bet !  yet,  as  I  am  positive  in  this  case,  I  shall 
bet  a  glass  of  pop,  that  that  hat  (as  it  is  a  sala- 
marider  hat)  won't  burn,  if  you  should  leave 
it  in  the  fire  tioo  minutes.^' — "  You'll  bet  that 
my  hat  won't  burn,  if  I  should  go  to  poke  it  in 
that  are  grate?'  "  Yes,"  replied  SchafFer. 
"  Done,"  said  the  other,  and,  immediately 
thrusting  his  hat  into  the  grate,  (which  was 
well  filled  with  Lehigh)  he  had  the  satisfaction 
of  seeing  it  consumed  in  less  time  than  was 


72  HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK. 

stipulated  in  the  bet ;  while  lie  was  prevented 
from  rescuing  it  by  the  company,  who  affirmed 
that  they  would  see  no  cheating  in  the  matter, 
and  that  the  hat  should  remain  the  appointed 
time.  After  the  hat  was  consumed,  Schaffer, 
turning  round,  said  in  a  melancholy  manner, 
'•  Here,  landlord,  give  the  young  gentleman  a 
glass  of  poj) — I've  lost  my  bet !" 

v5  Scotch  Ansicer. 

The  Rev.  Ralph  Erskine,  one  of  the  fathers 
of  the  secession  from  the  Kirk  of  Scotland,  paid 
a  visit  to  his  venerable  brotiier,  Ebenezer,  at 
Abernethy.  ''  Oh  !  man,"  said  the  latter,  "but 
ye  come  in  gudc  time  ;  I've  a  diet  of  examina- 
tion to-day,  and  ye  maun  tak  it,  as  I  have  mat- 
ters o'  life  and  death  to  settle  at  Perth."  "  With 
all  my  heart,"  quoth  Ralph.  "  Noo,  Billy," 
says  Ebenezer,  "  3^e'll  find  a'  my  folk  easy  to 
examine  but  ane,  and  him  I  reckon  ye  had  bet- 
ter no  meddle  wi'.  He  has  an  auld,  fashious, 
Scotch  way  of  answering  ae  question  by  put- 
ting another ;  and  may  be  he'll  affront  ye.'" 
"Affront  me!"  quoth  the  indignant  theolo- 
gian ;  "  do  ye  think  he  can  foil  me  wi'  my  ain 
natural  tools.?"  "  Aweel,"  said  his  brother, 
"  I'se  gie  ye  fair  warning ;  ye  had  better  no  ca' 
him  up."  The  recusant  was  one  Walter  Simp- 
son, the  smith  of  the  parish.  The  gifted  Ralph, 
indignant  to  t!ie  last  degree  at  the  bare  idea  of 
such  an  illiterate  clown  chopping  divinity  with 
him,  determined  to  gravel  him  at  once  with  a 
grand,  leading,  unanswerable  question.  Ac- 
cordingly, after  putting  a  variety  of  simple  pre- 
liminary interrogatories  to  the  senior   clodhop- 


humourist's  own  book.  73 

pers,  he  all  at  once,  with  a  loud  voice,  cried 
out,  ''  Walter  Simpson  !"  "  Here,  sir,"  says 
Walter,  "  are  ye  wanting;  me  ?"  *'  Attention, 
sir !  Now,  Walter,  can  ye  tell  me  how  long 
Adam  stood  in  a  state  of  innocence  ?"  *'  Ay — 
till  he  got  a  wife,"  cried  the  anvil-hammerer,  in 
an  instant;  "  but  can  ye  tell  me,  sir,  hoo  lang 
he  stood  after  ?"  "  Sit  down,  Walter,"  said  the 
discomfited  divine. 


Let  Sleeping  Dogs  Lie. 

A  weaver,  who  lived  in  a  village  in  Ayrshire, 
and  who  occupied  every  Sunday  a  conspicuous 
hottom-room.  in  the  front  laft  of  the  parish  church, 
was  a  shameless  votary  of  Morpheus.  Day  af- 
ter day,  for  3^ears,  Jolin  Thamson,  regularly 
laid  his  head  upon  the  hook-hoard  ?Li  the  reading 
out  of  the  text,  and  there  did  he  sleep,  yea  some- 
times snore,  till  the  conclusion  of  the  discourse. 
John  seemed  to  think  the  text  all  that  was  truly 
necessary  ;  he  "  dreamed  the  rest."  This  at 
length  became  intolerably  annoying  to  the  cler- 
gyman, and  two  elders  were  sent  to  remonstrate 
with  him  on  the  exceeding  sinfulness  of  his  be- 
haviour. "  I  canna  help  it,  sirs,"  said  John; 
"I'm  a  hard-working  man  a'  the  week,  but 
Sabbath  ;  and  though  I  like  the  kirk  and  the 
minister  weel  eneuch,  unless  ye  ca'  my  head 
off,  I  canna  keep  my  een  open."  "  Weel, 
John,"  said  the  remonstrants,  "  If  ye  roiV/ allow 
Satan  to  exerceese  his  power  over  you  in  this 
dorming,  dwamming  way,  in  the  very  kirk 
itaell,  what  gars  ye  sit  in  the  front  laft,  where 
a'  body  amaist  sees  you.''  Can  ye  no  tak  a  back 
seat,  where  your  sin  micht  be  less  seen  and 


74  humourist's  own  book. 

heard?"  "  Tak  a  backseat!"  exclaimed  John  ; 
"  na,  na,  I'll  never  quit  my  cozie  corner  ;  my 
father,  my  grandfather,  and  my  great-grand- 
father a'  sat  there :  and  there  sit  will  John, 
come  o't  what  will  !"  This  remonstrance  being 
found  ineffectual,  the  minister  resolved  upon 
the  desperate  measure  o^  affronting  John  out  of 
his  truly  antichristian  practice,  by  rebuking 
him  before  the  congregation,  and  while  he  was 
in  the  very  act.  Little,  however,  did  he  know 
the  principle  of  resistance  which  glowed  within 
the  bosom  of  the  drowsy  wabster.  Next  Sun- 
day forenoon,  as  soon  as  John  had,  as  usual, 
sunk  into  slumber  upon  the  desk,  and  fairly 
begun  his  serenade,  he  cried,  "  Sit  up,  John 
Thamson!"  "  I'm  no  sleeping,  sir,"  quoth  John. 
"  Oh,  John,  John  !  can  you  tell  me  what  I  said 
last?"  '' Ou  ay,  sir;  ye  said,  'Sit  up,  John 
Thamson  !'  " 


Acute  Criticism. 

Three  Roxburghshire  lairds,  Mr  Kerr  of 
Abbotrule,  Mr  E— t  of  H— d,  and  Mr  K— r  of 
C — o,  were  officers  in  one  fencible  regiment, 
which  was  quartered  in  a  town  in  Ireland  dur- 
ing the  time  of  the  Rebellion  of  1798.  It  was 
the  age  before  intellect  began  its  march,  when 
all  men  were  not  bound  to  be  familiar  with 
literary  matters,  as  in  latter  times.  Mr  Kerr 
was  consulted  by  his  two  companions,  whose 
capacities,  he  was  very  well  aware,  were  not 
over  brilliant,  as  to  the  best  manner  of  beguil- 
ing the  time  while  the  regiment  was  lying  in- 
active, and  recommended  the  Vicar  of  Wake- 
field to  them  as  a  book  from  the  perusal  of  which 


humourist's  own  book.  75 

they  were  sure  to  derive  the  desired  amuse- 
ment :  it  was  principally,  however,  with  a  view 
to  his  own  amusement,  that  he  engaged  them 
in  this  method  of  killing  their  tedious  leisure 
hours.  The  two  students  set  to  work  on  Gold- 
smith's fascinating  novel  without  loss  of  time, 
and,  living  together,  they  resolved  also  to  read 
together :  upon  the  same  principle,  it  is  to  be 
presumed,  that  two  travellers  on  one  road  join 
company  in  order  to  lighten  the  way.  Mr  Kerr 
failed  not  to  call  regularly  every  forenoon, 
to  see  what  progress  they  made,  and  always 
found  the  Vicar  of  Wakefield  lying  on  the  table, 
with  a  mark  at  the  place  where  they  had  left 
off.  This  mark  he  every  day  put  back  to  very 
nearly  the  same  place  where  it  had  been  the 
day  before  ;  so  that  the  two  intelligent  gentle- 
men, though  they  applied  assiduously,  could 
hardly  make  their  way  through  the  volume  at 
all.  At  length,  he  did  permit  them  to  finish  it, 
and  asked,  when  it  was  done,  how  they  liked 
it.?  "Why,"  said  one  of  them  very  simply, 
"  it's  a  nice  enough  kind  of  book  ;  but  don't  you 
think  there  is  a  great  deal  of  sameness  in  it  ?" 

Pittsburgh  unknown  at  Leghorn. 

Pittsburgh  is  s,port  of  entry,  and  ship-building 
has  been  carried  on  with  spirit,  even  at  the 
source  of  the  Ohio  A  curious  incident,  con- 
nected with  this  subject,  was  mentioned  by  Mr 
Clay,  on  the  floor  of  Congress.  "  To  illustrate 
the  commercial  habits  of  the  American  people, 
he  said  he  would  relate  an  anecdote  of  a  vessel 
built  and  cleared  out  at  Pittsburgh,  for  Leghorn. 
When  she  arrived  at  her  place  of  destination, 


76  humourist's  own  book. 

the  master  presented  his  papers  to  the  proper 
officer,  who  would  not  credit  them ;  but  said  to 
him,  '  Sir,  your  papers  are  forced.  There  is  no 
such  place  as  Pittsburgh  in  the  world  !  Your 
vessel  must  be  confiscated.'  The  trembling 
Captain  laid  before  the  officer  the  map  of  the 
United  States — directed  him  to  the  Gulf  of 
Mexico — pointed  out  to  him  the  raoxith  of  the 
Mississippi — led  him  a  thousand  miles  up  to  the 
mouth  of  the  Ohio,  and  thence  another  thou- 
sand up  to  Pittsburgh.  *■  There,  sir,  is  the  port 
where  my  vessel  cleared  out !'  The  astonished 
officer,  before  he  had  seen  the  map,  would  as 
readil}'-  have  believed  that  this  vessel  had  been 
navigated  from  the  moon." 

Summer  and  Winter. 

During  the  wet  and  disagreeable  summer  of 
1820,  one  gentleman  asked  another  if  he  ever 
remembered  such  a  summer ;  to  which  the 
other  replied,  very  seriously,  "Yes;  last  win- 
ter." 


Criticism. 

The  early  patroness  of  Burns  (Mrs  Dunlop, 
of  Dunlop)  had  an  old  housekeeper,  a  sort  of 
privileged  person,  who  had  certain  aristocrati- 
cal  notions  of  the  family  dignity,  that  made  her 
utterly  astonished  at  the  attentions  that  were 
paid  by  her  mistress  to  a  man  in  such  low 
worldly  estate  as  the  rustic  poet.  In  order  to 
overcome  her  prejudice  and  surprise,  her  mis- 
tress persuaded  her  to  peruse  a  MS.  copy  of 
the  "  Cottar's  Saturday  Night,"  which  the  poet 


HUMOURIST  S   OWN   BOOK. 


had  just  then  written.  When  Mrs  Dunlop  in- 
quired her  opinion  of  tlie  poem,  t^he  replied, 
with  a  quaint  indifference,  "  Aweel,  madam, 
that's  vera  weel."  "  Is  that  all  you  have  to 
say  in  its  favour  ?"  asked  the  mistress.  "  'Deed, 
madam,"  she  returned, ''  the  like  o'  you  quality 
may  see  a  vast  in't ;  but  I  was  aye  used  to  the 
like  o'  all  that  the  poet  has  written  about  in 
my  ain  father's  house,  and  atvveel  I  dinna  ken 
how  he  could  hae  described  it  ony  other  gate." 
When  Burns  heard  of  the  old  woman's  criti- 
cism, he  remarked  that  it  was  one  of  the  high- 
est compliments  he  had  ever  received. 

Lord  Kaimes. 

Lord  Kaimes,  it  is  very  well  known,  paid 
great  and  successful  attention  to  the  improve- 
ment of  agriculture.  A  great  number  of  years 
ago,  a  German  quack,  who  called  himself  Ba- 
ron Von  Haak,  vaunted  of  having  discovered 
a  powerfully  fertilizing  manure,  Avhich  he  ad- 
vertised for  sale,  pretending  that  a  very  small 
quantity  sufficed  to  fertilize  an  acre  of  land  in 
a  very  extraordinary  manner.  Happening  to 
converse  upon  this  subject  with  one  of  his  neigh- 
bours, a  plain  sagacious  farmer,  the  former  ob- 
served to  Lord  Kaimes,  that  he  had  no  faith 
in  the  Baron's  nostrum,  as  he  conceived  the 
proposed  quantity  vastly  too  small  to  be  of  any 
use.  ''  My  good  friend,"  said  Lord  Kaimes, 
''  such  are  the  wonderful  discoveries  in  science, 
that  I  should  not  be  surprised  if,  at  some  future 
time,  we  might  be  able  to  carry  the  manure  of 
an  acre  of  land  to  the  field  in  our  coat  pocket !" 
'•  Very  possibly,"  replied  the  farmer  3  "  but,  in 


78  humourist's  own  book. 

that  case,  I  suspect  you  will  be  able   to  bring 
back  the  crop  in  your  waistcoat  pocket." 

It  was  once  customary  for  the  Scotch  crimi- 
nal judges  to  give  a  dinner  at  the  circuit  towns 
to  all  the  legal  train  which  follow  them.  Lord 
Kaimes  was  once  doing  the  honours  of  such 
an  affair  at  Perth,  where,  being  very  parsimo- 
nious, he  defrauded  the  company  of  their  usual 
claret.  The  conversation  turned  on  Sir  Charles 
Hardy's  fleet,  which  was  then  blockaded  by  the 
French;  and  one  of  the  company  asked  what 
had  become  of  our  fleet  ?  Mr  H.  Erskine  an- 
swered, "They  are,  like  us,  confined  to  jwrt." 

Poiodcr  and  Balls. 

Let  ancient  or  modern  history  be  produced, 
they  will  not  afford  a  more  heroic  reply  than 
that  of  Yankee  Stonington,  to  the  British  com- 
manders. The  people  were  piling  the  balls 
which  the  enemy  had  wasted,  when  the  foe  ap- 
plied to  them — "  We  want  halls;  zcill  you  sell 
them?'^  They  answered,  "  We  icant  -powder; 
send  us  powder,  and  ice'll  return  your  balls." 

Anecdote  of  Burns. 

Than  Burns,  perhaps,  no  man  more  severely 
inflicted  the  castigation  of  reproof.  The  follow- 
ing anecdote  will  illustrate  this  fact.  The  con- 
versation one  night  at  the  King's  Arms  Inn, 
Dumfries,  turning  on  the  death  of  a  townsman, 
whose  funeral  was  to  take  place  on  the  follow- 
ing day,  "  By  tlie  by,"  said  one  of  the  company, 
addressing  himself  to  Burns,  *'  I  wish  you  would 


humourist's  on'N  book.  79 

lend  me  your  black  coat  for  the  occasion,  my 
own  being  rather  out  of  repair."  "  Having 
myself  to  attend  the  same  funeral,"  answered 
Burns,  ''  I  am  sorry  that  I  cannot  lend  you  my 
sables ;  but  I  can  recommend  a  most  excellent 
substitute ;  throve  yoicr  character  over  your  should- 
ers— that  will  be  the  blackest  coat  you  ever  wore 
in  your  lifetime  !" 

The  Battle  of  the  Pot. 

The  following  ludicrous  circumstance  took 
place  some  years  ago  in  a  coal  district  a  few 
miles  to  the  west  of  Edinburgh  : — It  is  the  lau- 
dable custom  of  that  part  of  the  country  to  have 
a  somewhat  better  dinner  on  Sundays  than  on 
the  other  days  of  the  week.  The  Dominican  let- 
ter on  the  present  occasion,  in  a  certain  cottage, 
indicated  sheep's  head  and  a  haggis,  two  dishes, 
each  of  which  may  be  said  to  stand  high  in  the 
affections  of  a  Scottish  peasant,  but  which,  to- 
gether, are  fit  to  make  him  as  happy  as  a  king. 
The  head  was  that  of  a  stout  full  grown  tup, 
and,  as  the  old  song  says,  it  was  put — 

i'  the  pat. 


Horns  and  a'  thegither  ; 

— the  same  pot,  be  it  remarked,  with  the  haggis 
This  delicious  mess  was  left  to  the  charge  of  a 
little  boy,  the  son  of  the  honest  collier,  and  the 
rest  of  the  family  all  trudged  off  to  church. 
During  sermon,  to  the  great  mortification  of  the 
mother,  the  juvenile  custodier  of  the  kail-pat 
entered  the  place  of  worship  during  sermon, 
and  began,  from  a  station  a  little  within  the 
door,  to  make  some  ludicrous,  but  evidently 


80  humourist's  own  book. 

very  earnest  and  anxious  signs  to  her,  by  way 
of  inducing  her  to  leave  lier  scat  and  follow  him 
out  of  doors.  She  kept  winking  and  gloom- 
ing, to  make  him  go  away  ;  but  he  was  not  to 
be  carried  from  his  purpose  by  any  such  sig- 
nals. It  was  evidently  a  case  of  great  and  im- 
portant distress.  At  length,  the  boy's  anxiety 
getting  quite  the  better  of  liis  prudence,  he 
fairly  burst  out  with, — "  'Deed,  mother,  ye  may 
winky-wanky  as  you  like  ;  but  it's  true  eneuch  : 
I  tell  ye,  the  sheep's  head  has  stickct  the  hag- 
gis !"  Tliis  appeal  was  heard  by  the  whole  con- 
gregation, and  moved  the  very  elders,  and  even 
the  minister  himself,  to  laughter  ;  while  the  old 
lady,  hobbling  out  of  her  seat,  lent  the  unfortu- 
nate scullion  such  a  lounder  on  the  cheek,  as 
made  him  spin  before  her  out  of  the  church. 
This  exclamation  is  to  this  day  proverbial  in  the 
place. 

JVit  hy  Marriage. 

An  English  gentleman  visiting  the  widow  of 
Robert  Burns,  the  Scottish  poet,  at  Dumfries, 
was  exceedingly  anxious  to  obtain  some  relick  of 
the  bard,  as  he  called  it ;  that  is,  some  scrap  of 
his  handwriting,  or  any  other  little  object  which 
could  be  considered  a  memorial  of  the  deceased. 
Mrs  Burns  replied  to  all  his  entreaties,  that  she 
had  already  given  away  every  thing  of  that  kind 
that  was  remarkable,  or  which  she  could  think 
of  parting  with  ;  that,  indeed,  she  had  no  relick 
to  give  him.  Still  the  visitant  insisted,  and 
still  Mrs  Burns  declared  her  inability  to  satisfy 
him  ;  at  length,  pushed  by  his  good-humoured 
entreaties  to  very  extremity,  she  as  good-hu- 


humourist's  own  book.  61 

mouredly  said,  "  Well,  sir,  unless  you  take  my- 
self, I  really  can  think  of  no  other  relick  (relict) 
of  him  that  it  is  in  my  power  to  give,  or  yours 
to  receive."  Of  course,  this  closed  the  argu- 
ment. 


Female  Patriotism. 

The  following  anecdote,  which  is  too  well 
authenticated  to  be  disputed,  furnishes  one  in- 
stance, among  thousands,  of  that  heroic  spirit 
and  love  of  liberty,  which  characterized  the 
American  females  during  the  struggle  for  inde- 
pendence. 

''  A  good  lady,  in  1775,  lived  on  the  sea-board, 
about  a  day's  march  from  Boston,  where  the 
British  army  then  was.  By  some  unaccounta- 
ble accident,  a  rumour  was  spread,  in  town  and 
■country,  in  and  about  there,  that  the  regulars 
were  on  a  full  march  for  that  place,  and  would 
probably  arrive  in  three  hours. 

"  This  was  after  the  battle  of  Lexington,  and 
all,  as  might  be  well  supposed,  was  in  sad  con- 
fusion: some  were  boiling  with  rage,  and  full 
of  fight ;  some,  in  fear  and  confusion,  v/ere  hid- 
ing their  treasures  ;  and  others  flying  for  life. 
In  this  wild  moment,  when  most  people,  in 
some  way  or  other,  were  frightened  from  their 
propriety,  our  heroine,  who  had  two  sons,  one 
about  nineteen  years  of  age,  the  other  about 
sixteen,  was  seen  preparing  them  to  discharge 
their  duty.  The  eldest  she  was  able  to  equip 
in  fine  style:  she  took  her  husband's" fowling- 
piece,  '■  made  for  duck  or  plover,'  (the  good 
man  being  absent  on  a  coasting  voyage  to  Vir- 
ginia) and  with  it  the  powder-horn  and  shot- 

F 


82  humourist's  own  book. 

bag.  But  the  lad  thinking  the  duck  and  goose 
shot  not  quite  the  size  to  kill  regulars,  his 
mother  took  a  chisel,  cut  up  her  pewter  spoons, 
hammered  them  into  slugs,  and  put  them  into 
his  bag,  and  he  set  off  in  great  earnest,  but 
thought  he  would  call  one  moment  and  see  the 
parson,  who  said,  '  Well  done,  my  brave  boy  ! 
God  preserve  you !'  and  on  he  went  in  tlie 
way  of  his  duty.  The  youngest  was  impor- 
tunate for  his  equipments,  but  his  mother  could 
find  nothing  to  arm  him  with,  but  an  old  rusty 
sword.  The  boy  seemed  rather  unwilling  to 
risk  himself  with  this  alone,  but  lingered  in  the 
street,  in  a  state  of  hesitation,  when  his  mother 
thus  upbraided  him  :  *  You  John  H****'*,  what 
will  your  father  say,  if  he  hears  that  a  child  of 
his  is  afraid  to  meet  the  British  ? — go  along 
beg  or  borrow  a  gun,  or  you  will  find  one,  child 
some  coward,  I  dare  say,  will  be  running  away 
then  take  his  gun,  and  march  forward;  and  if 
you  come  back,  and  I  hear  you  have  not  be- 
haved like  a  man,  I  shall  carry  the  blush  of 
shame  on  my  face  to  the  grave.'  She  then 
shut  the  door,  wiped  the  tear  from  her  eye,  and 
waited  the  issue.  The  boy  joined  the  march. 
Such  a  woman  could  not  have  cowards  for  her 
sons.  Instances  of  refined  and  delicate  pride 
and  affection  occurred,  at  that  period,  every 
day,  in  different  places;  and,  in  fact,  this  dis- 
position and  feeling  were  then  so  common,  that 
it  now  operates  as  one  great  cause  of  our  not  hav- 
ing more  facts  of  this  kind  recorded.  What  few 
are  remembered  should  not  be  lost.  Nothing 
great  or  glorious  was  ever  achieved,  which  wo- 
men did  not  act  in,  advise,  or  consent  to." 


humourist's  own  book.  83 


Apologies  for  Shahbiness. 

A  respectable  public  functionary  in  Dundee, 
of  parsimonious  habits,  was  one  day  rallied  by 
a  friend  from  the  country  upon  the  extreme 
shabbiness  of  his  attire.  "  Hoot,  man,"  an- 
swered the  bailie,  "  it's  nae  matter  ;  every  body 
kens  me  here  ;"  meaning  that,  his  character 
being  perfectly  known  in  the  place,  it  was  quite 
unnecessary  that  he  should  fortify  his  preten- 
sions by  fine  clothes.  It  happened  that  the 
same  friend  met  him  afterwards  in  the  streets 
of  London;  and,  finding  his  clothes  no  better, 
expressed  still  greater  surprise  than  before,  add- 
ing, that  surely  his  former  excuse  would  not 
now  avail  him.  "  Hoot,  man,"  answered  the 
pertinacious  miser,  "  naebody  kens  me  here  !" 

Reproof  from  the  Pulpit. 

The  Rev.  Mr  Shirra,  a  most  eccentric  dis- 
senting clergyman  at  Kirkaldy,  could  never 
endure  to  see  any  of  his  flock  attend  public 
worship  in  clothes  that  he  thought  too  fine 
for  their  station  in  life.  One  Sunday  after- 
noon, a  young  lass,  who  attended  his  meeting- 
house regularly,  and  was  personally  known  to 
him,  came  in  with  a  new  bonnet  of  greater  mag- 
nitude, and  more  richly  decorated,  than  he 
thought  befitted  the  wearer.  He  soon  observed 
it;  and,  pausing  in  the  middle  of  his  discourse, 
said,  "  Leuk,  ony  o'  ye  that's  near  hand  there, 
whether  my  wife  be  sleepin'  or  no,  as  1  canna 
get  a  glint  o'  her  for  a'  thae  fine  falderals  about 
Jenny  Bean's  braw  new  bannet." 


84  humourist's  own  book. 


Meg  Dods. 

A  late  female  innkeeper  at  Peebles,  Miss 
Ritchie  by  name,  answered  in  every  respect  to 
the  character  of  Meg  Dods,  in  tlje  novel  of  St 
Konan's  Well.  In  the  j^ear  1?:'10,  a  number  of 
French  officers,  who  had  been  prisoners  in  the 
dejjot  at  Pennycuik,  were  sent  to  Peebles,  to 
lodge  there  on  parole.  At  their  first  arrival, 
Bomc  of  them  went  to  dine  at  Miss  Ritchie's  ; 
and  she  placed  before  them  a  tureen  of  excel- 
lent Scotch  broth.  Being  keenly  set  after  their 
walk,  they  relished  her  fare  very  much,  and 
said  to  one  another,  "  C'est  bon,  c'est  bon  ;" 
accompanying  the  remark  with  shrugs  and 
grimaces  expressive  of  satisfaction.  This,  Miss 
Ritchie  overheard,  and,  mistaking  the  express- 
ion,— "  I  daur  ye,"  said  she,  "  ye  liallanshaker 
looking  scoondrels,  to  say  there's  hanes  i'  my 
kail  !  Gang  back  whaur  ye  cam  frae,  and  see 
if  ye'll  get  ony  better  there  I"  And  it  was  not 
without  some  difficulty  that  the  good  lady  was 
appeased,  so  as  to  permit  them  to  sit  any  longer 
in  her  house. 

Another  lady  o|i»this  stamp  kept  a  hotel  at 
Greenlaw,  in  Berwickshire,  where,  one  day, 
she  had  the  honour  to  receive  under  her  roof  a 
very  worthy  clergyman,  with  three  sons  of  the 
same  profession,  each  having  a  cure  of  souls — 
be  it  said,  in  passing,  none  of  the  reverend  party 
was  reckoned  powerful  in  the  pulpit.  It  must 
also  be  remarked  that  the  worthy  hostess,  like 
the  most  of  her  tribe  in  that  age,  did  not  think 
herself  well  treated  if  her  guests  did  not  ask 


humourist's  own  book.  85 

her  to  partake  of  their  repast,  or  at  least  of 
their  drink.  After  dinner  was  over,  the  worthy 
senior,  in  the  pride  of  his  heart,  asked  Mrs 
Buchan  whether  she  ever  had  had  such  a  party 
in  her  house  before.  "Here  sit  I,"  said  he, 
"  a  placed  minister  of  the  Kirk  of  Scotland,  and 
here  sit  my  three  sons,  each  a  placed  minister 
of  the  same  kirk.  Confess,  Lucky  Buchan,  you 
never  had  such  a  party  in  your  house  before." 
The  question  not  being  premised  by  any  invita- 
tion to  sit  down  and  take  a  glass  of  wine,  Mrs 
B.  answered  drily,  "  Indeed,  sir,  I  cannot  just 
say  that  I  ever  had  such  a  party  in  my  house 
before,  except  once  in  the  forty-five,  when  I 
had  a  Highland  piper  here,  with  his  three  sons, 
all  Highland  pipers  ;  and  deil  a  spring  could 
they  play  among  them." 

Washington's  Friendship  for  Gen.  Knox. 

Washington  always  kept  this  useful  and  sci- 
entific oflTicer  near  his  own  person  ;  and  he  not 
only  honoured  him  with  confidence,  but  with 
brotherly  affection.  After  the  defeat  of  Gates's 
army,  at  Cam.den,  General  Greene  was  offered 
the  arduous  command  of  the  southern  depart- 
ment. The  quaker  General,  with  his  usual 
modesty,  replied,  "  Knox  is  the  man  for  that 
difficult  undertaking ;  all  obstacles  vanish  before 
him;  his  resources  are  infinite."  "  True,"  an- 
swered Washington,  "  and  therefore  I  cannot 
part  v.'ith  him." 


humourist's  own  book. 


Bishop  Leighton. 

This  amiable  personage,  who  was  Bishop  of 
Dunkeld,  in  the  reign  of  Charles  II,  was  ex- 
ceedingly charitable.  One  day,  as  he  was  tak- 
ing exercise  in  a  secluded  walk  near  the  town, 
the  widow  of  a  poor  clergyman,  to  whose  sup- 
port, and  that  of  her  children,  his  lordship  had 
liberally  contributed,  broke  in  upon  his  solitude, 
and  for  a  very  strange  reason.  The  good  wo- 
man had  been  led  to  suppose^  that  the  real  cause 
of  the  bishop's  beneficence  was  a  desire  to  make 
himself  agreeable  to  her.  Accordingly,  when 
he  asked  eagerly  after  her  children,  under  the 
impression  that  her  intrusion  arose  from  sudden 
distress  on  their  part,  she  replied  that  they  were 
all  well,  but  she  had  been  unable  to  rest  till  she 
disclosed  to  his  lordship  a  remarkable  revelation 
which  had  been  made  to  her.  "A  revelation 
to  you  !"  exclaimed  the  astonished  dignitary. 
*'  Yes,  my  lord,"  said  the  woman;  '*  it  was  re- 
vealed to  me  that  your  lordship  and  I  are  about 
to  be  married."  "  Indeed,"  cried  Leighton, 
"  no  such  revelation,  however,  has  yet  been 
made  to  me  ;  and  if  we  are  to  be  married  by 
revelation,  the  marriage  cannot  take  place,  you 
know,  until  it  be  revealed  to  both  parties." 

Bons  Mots  of  a  Brother  of  T.  Campbell. 

While  Mr  Thomas  Campbell  was  prosecuting 
his  studies  at  the  University  of  Glasgow,  he 
occupied  the  same  apartments  with  an  elder 
brother,  who,  though  no  poet  himself,  was  an 


humourist's  own  book.  87 

admirable  critic,  and  possessed  a  species  of  dry- 
sarcastic  humour,  peculiarly  his  own.  Mr 
Campbell  had  descended  to  the  breakftist-room 
one  morninf^,  leavintr  the  poet  to  follow  at  his 
leisure.  After  waitinor  some  time,  he  com- 
menced his  meal  in  solitude,  and  had  nearly 
finished,  when  his  brother  entered  with  a  copy 
of  verses  in  his  hand,  which  he  laid  on  the  table 
as  an  excuse  for  the  delay,  at  the  same  time  re- 
questing Mr  Campbell's  opinion  of  their  merit. 
The  reply  was  quite  characteristic:  "Your 
lines  are  admirable,  Tom,  my  boy;  but  they 
want  Jire ;"  and,  suiting  the  action  to  the  word, 
the  merciless  critic  committed  the  paper  to  the 
flames. 

On  another  occasion,  when  the  brothers  were 
in  bed  together,  the  poet  was  more  than  usually 
restless,  and,  in  the  ardour  of  inspiration,  in- 
flicted sundry  kicks  upon  his  less  elevated 
brother,  which  the  other  received  with  his 
usual  sang  froid.  In  the  morning,  however, 
he  took  the  first  opportunity  of  interrogating 
the  poet  as  to  the  cause  of  his  perplexed  slum- 
bers. "  I  was  not  asleep,"  he  replied,  "  but 
was  attempting  a  poem  upon  grandeur,  and 
could  not  get  the  lines  to  please  me  at  all:  with 
one  or  two  alterations,  however,  I  think  it  will 
do  now."  "  Indeed  !"  said  the  elder  brother 
drily:  "Well,  Tom,  I  don't  know  what  share 
1J0U  claim  in  this  effusion  ;  but  I  am  quite  sure 
/  had  all  the  bold  strokes  of  it." 


The  Lost  IVig. 

While  Lord  Coalstoun  lived  in  a  house  in  the 
Advocate's  Close,  Edinburgh,  a  strange  acci- 


88  HUMOURIST  S  OWN   BOOK. 

dent  one  morning  befell  him.  It  was  at  that 
time  the  custom  for  advocates  and  judges  to 
dress  themselves  in  gowns,  and  wigs,  and  cra- 
vats, at  their  own  houses,  and  walk  to  the  Par- 
liament House.  They  usually  breakfasted  early, 
and,  when  dressed,  were  in  the  habit  of  leaning 
over  their  parlour  windows  for  a  few  minutes, 
before  St  Giles's  bell  started  the  sounding  peal 
of  a  quarter  to  nine,  enjoying  the  agreeable 
morning  air,  and  perhaps  discussing  the  news 
of  the  day.  It  so  happened  one  morning,  while 
Lord  Coalstoun  was  preparing  to  enjoy  his  ma- 
tutinal treat,  two  girls,  who  lived  in  the  second 
flat  above,  were  amusing  themselves  with  a  kit- 
ten, whicli,  in  thoughtless  sport,  they  had  swung 
over  the  window,  by  a  cord  tied  round  its  mid- 
dle, and  hoisted  for  some  time  up  and  down, 
till  the  creature  was  getting  rather  desperate 
with  its  exertions.  His  lordship  had  just  popped 
his  head  out  of  the  window,  directly  below  that 
from  which  the  kitten  swung,  little  suspecting, 
good  easy  man,  what  a  danger  impended,  like 
the  sword  of  Dionysius,  over  his  head;  when 
down  came  the  exasperated  animal  at  full 
career,  directly  upon  his  senatorial  wig.  No 
sooner  did  the  girls  perceive  what  sort  of  land- 
ing place  their  kitten  had  found,  than  in  terror 
or  surprise  they  began  to  draw  it  up  ;  but  this 
measure  was  now  too  late,  for,  along  with  the 
animal,  up  also  came  the  judge's  wig,  fixed  full 
in  its  determined  talons.  His  lordship's  sur- 
prise, on  finding  his  wig  lifted  off  his  head,  was 
ten  thousand  times  redoubled,  when,  on  look- 
ing up,  he  perceived  it  dangling  in  its  way  up- 
wards, without  any  means  visible  to  him  by 
which  its  motion  might  be  accounted  for.  The 
astonishment,  the  dread,  the  awe  almost  of  the 


humourist's  own  book.  89 

senator  below — the  half  mirth,  half  terror,  of 
the  girls  above — together  with  the  fierce  and 
retentive  energy  of  puss  between — altogether 
formed  a  scene  to  which  language  cannot  do 
justice,  but  which  George  Cruikshank  might 
perhaps  embody  with  considerable  effect.  It 
was  a  joke  soon  explained  and  pardoned ;  but 
assuredly  the  perpetrators  of  it  did  afterwards 
get  many  a  lengthened  injunction  from  their 
parents  never  again  to  fish  over  the  window 
with  such  a  bait,  for  honest  men's  wigs. 


President  Monroe. 

Mr  Monroe,  who  was  the  United  States  Am- 
bassador in  France,  during  the  French  revolu- 
tion, and  after  the  fall  of  Robespierre,  said  to 
Madame  Campan,  at  Saint  Germain  :  "  For- 
tune is  rolling  down  the  kennel,  and  any  one 
may  stop  and  pick  it  up."  During  a  walk  in 
the  wood  of  Saint  Germain,  he  was  talking  in 
defence  of  his  country,  which  he  held  to  be  finer 
than  ours:  his  daughter,  who  was  but  a  child, 
a  pupil  in  the  establishment  of  Saint  Germain, 
interrupted  him  by  saying,  ''  Yes,  papa,  but 
there  are  no  streets  in  America  like  those," 
pointing  at  the  same  time  towards  the  same 
roads.  "Very  true,"  said  Mr  Monroe,  "our 
nation  may  be  compared  to  a  new  formed  house- 
hold; we  are  in  want  of  many  things,  but  we 
possess  the  finest  thing  of  all — liberty." 

Lachrijmal  Canals. 

A  lady  who  kept  a  boarding-school  some 
years  ago,  near   London,   wrote  a  novel,  in 


90  humourist's  own  book. 

which,  amonor  other  extravajrant  expression?, 
occurred  the  followiiijEr : — "  PJis  lordship  could 
not  weep  ;  the  tale  of  sorrow  had  frozen  his 
lachrymal  canals."  A  person,  to  whom  the  fair 
author  lent  a  copy  of  her  work,  returned  it,  af- 
ter a  perusal,  with  this  note  appended  in  pencil 
to  the  word  canals:  "Madam,  I  am  a  keen 
skater;  would  they  bear .'"' 

The  Duchess  of  Xcio  Castle. 

This  famous  lady,  who  wrote  many  plays  and 
romances,  in  the  most  extravagant  taste  of  the 
reif^n  of  Cliarles  II,  asked  Bishop  Wilkins,  how 
she  could  get  up  to  the  world  he  had  discovered 
in  the  moon  ;  for,  as  the  way  must  needs  be 
long,  a  person  travelling  thither  would  require 
to  have  some  resting  places  by  the  way  .''  "  Oh, 
madam,"  said  the  bishop,  "  your  grace,  who  has 
built  so  many  castles  in  the  air,  can  be  at  no 
loss." 

At  your  Service. 

The  late  Sir  Fletcher  Norton  was  in  his  char- 
acter of  a  counsellor  rather  coarse  :  he  once  ex- 
amined Mr  Alderman  Shakespeare  as  a  witness, 
and,  in  the  course  of  his  examination,  said  in  a 
rude  way,  ''And  pray,  what  trade  are  you, 
friend  V  "A  ropemaker,  at  your  service,"  re- 
plied the  alderman. 

The  American  Soldier. 

In  the  battle  of ,  Colonel  Jesup,  sus- 
pecting that  his  troops  had  expended  nearly  all 


humourist's  own  book,  91 

their  cartridges,  passed  along  the  rear  of  the 
line,  to  make  inquiry  as  to  the  fact.  Several 
soldiers  who  lay  mortally  wounded,  some  of 
them  actually  in  the  agonies  of  death,  hearing 
the  inquiry,  forgot  for  a  moment,  in  their  devo- 
tion to  their  country,  both  the  pain  they  endured 
and  the  approach  of  death,  and  called  out,  each 
one  for  himself,  "  Here  are  cartridges  in  my 
box,  take  and  distribute  them  among  my  com- 
panions." 

A  soldier  in  the  line  exclaimed  to  his  com- 
mander, "  My  musket  is  shot  to  pieces."  His 
comrade,  who  lay  expiring  with  his  wounds  at 
the  distance  of  a  few  feet,  replied,  in  a  voice 
scarcely  audible,  "  My  musket  is  in  excellent 
order — take  and  use  her." 

It  is  no  extravagance  to  assert,  that  an  army 
of  such  men,  commanded  by  officers  of  corres- 
ponding merit,  is  literally  invincible. 

Purgatory. 

"  With  regard  to  purgatory,"  says  an  old 
popish  writer,  "  with  regard  to  purgatory,  I  will 
not  say  a  great  deal  ;  but  this  much  I  think, — 
that  the  protestants  may  go  farther,  and  fare 
worse." 


Other  Irons  in  the  Fire. 

Mrs   B desired  Dr  Johnson  to  give  his 

opinion  of  a  new  work  she  had  just  written; 
adding,  that,  if  it  would  not  do,  she  begged  him 
to  tell  her,  for  she  had  other  irons  in  the  fire, 
and  in  case  of  its  not  being  likely  to  succeed, 
she  could  bring  out  something  else.     "  Then," 


02  iiumouhist's  oww  book. 

Baid  tho  Doctor,  after  having  turned  over  a  few 
of  the  leaves,  "  1  advise  you,  madam,  to  put  it 
where  your  other  irons  are." 


Greed  in  Letters. 

It  being  proved,  on  a  trial  at  Guildhall,  that 
a  man's  name  was  really  fnrh,  who  pretended 
that  it  was  Linch.  "  1  see,"  said  tiie  judge, 
'*  the  old  proverb  is  verified  in  this  man,  who 
being  allowed  an  Inch,  has  taken  an  L." 


Travel  ling  Post. 

A  traveller  speaking  of  the  many  countries 
and  cities  lie  had  seen,  one  of  the  company 
asked  him  if  he  had  ever  been  in  Cosmography  .' 
lie,  taking  it  for  the  name  of  a  city,  said,  "  We 
saw  it  at  a  distance  ;  but,  as  we  went  post,  we 
could  not  visit  it." 


The  Hat. 

When  Marion's  brigade  was  once  engaged 
in  battle,  Captain  Gee  was  supposed  to  be  mor- 
tally wounded.  A  ball  passed  through  the  cock 
of  his  hat,  very  much  tearing,  not  only  the 
crown,  but  also  his  liead.  lie  lay,  for  many 
hours,  insensible;  but,  suddenly  reviving,  his 
first  inquiry  was  after  his  hat:  which  being 
brought  to  him,  a  friend  at  the  same  time  la- 
menting the  mangled  state  of  his  head,  he  ex- 
claimed :  "Oh,  I  care  nothing  about  my  head  : 
time  and  the  doctors  will  mend  that ;  but  it 
grieves  me  to  think  tliat  the  rascals  have  ruined 
my  new  hat  forever." 


humourist's  owit  nooK.  93 


Selling  Lands. 

A  yeoman  of  Kent  selling  some  lands,  the 
lawyer  was  puzzled  as  to  the  designation  which 
he  should  have  in  the  deeds.  "  S:iy  gentleman," 
suggested  a  bystander  ;  "  for  selling  lands  is  a 
gentleman's  trade." 

./?  Warlike  Prelate. 

Richard  II,  on  the  pope  reclaiming,  as  a  son 
of  the  ciiurch,  a  bishop  he  had  taken  prisoner  in 
battle,  sent  him  the  prelate's  coat  of  mail,  and, 
in  the  words  of  Scripture,  asked  him,  "  Know 
whether  this  be  t/nj  so7is  coat  or  no  ?" 

Cross  .'Insicers. 

A  prisoner  being  brought  up  to  Bow  Street, 
the  following  dialogue  passed  between  him  and 
the  sitting  magistrate:  "  How  do  you  liver'" 
*'  Pretty  well,  sir;  generally  a  joint  and  pud- 
ding at  dinner."  "  I  mean,  sir,  how  do  you 
get  your  bread  ?"  *'  I  beg  your  worship's  par- 
don ;  sometimes  at  the  baker's,  and  sometimes 
at  the  chandler's  shop."  "  You  may  be  as  witty 
as  you  please,  sir;  but  I  mean  simply  to  ask 
you,  how  do  you  dor"  "Tolerably  well,  I 
thank  your  wor.ship:  I  hope  your  worship  is 
well." 


Charles  the  Seconds  Pockets. 

No  prince  was  more  addressed  than  Charles 
II,  while  the  very  people  who  sent  these  gene- 


94  humourist's  own  book. 

reus,  nay,  extravagant  offers,  ecarcely  allowed 
him  the  necessary  supplies.  Killigrew  saw  this 
in  the  proper  view,  and  once  gave  private  or- 
ders to  IIjc  king's  tailor  to  make  one  of  his 
majesty's  coat-pocketb  of  a  most  enormous  size, 
and  the  otlier  scarcely  larger  than  a  thimble. 
The  king  bein;!  infornud  that  this  was  done  at 
the  desire  of  Killigrew,  asked  liiiu  the  reason. 
"  May  it  please  your  majesty,"  re|)lied  the  arch 
wag,  "  the  large  pocket  is  to  receive  the  ad- 
dresses of  your  subjects,  and  the  other  is  to  put 
the  money  in,  which  they  intend  to  present  you 
with." 


Punishment  of  Theft. 

Lord  North,  who  was  very  much  troubled 
with  the  gout,  one  day  feeling  some  symptoms 
of  an  approaching  fit,  ordered  his  servant  to 
bring  him  iiis  gouty  shoes.  The  fellow,  after 
looking  for  them  some  time  in  vain,  returned, 
and  told  his  master  lie  believed  they  were  stolen, 
and,  as  an  addendum  to  the  information,  mutter- 
ed a  few  hearty  curses  against  the  thief.  "  Poh  ! 
£oh  !"  said  the  good  humoured  peer,  "do  not 
o  ill-natured  ;  all  the  harm  1  wish  the  rascal 
is,  that  the  shoes  may  fit  him." 

Generosity  of  La  Fayette. 

In  the  year  1787,  there  was  a  destructive  fire 
in  Boston,  in  consequence  of  which  many  of 
the  inhabitants  were  reduced  to  want.  The 
Marquis  La  Fayette,  who  was  then  in  France, 
having  heard  of  the  calamity,  immediately  wrote 
to  his  friend,  Samuel  Breck,  of  Boston,  express- 


humourist's  own  book.  95 

ing  his  sympathy  for  the  sufferers,  and  directing 
him  to  draw  a  bill  on  him  for  300  pounds  ster- 
ling, to  be  applied  towards  their  relief.  The  bill 
was  accordiiiirlv  drawn,  and  the  money  was  re- 
ceived and  apj)lied  according  to  his  directions. 

Mr  Break's  son  still  pre.serves  this  letter  as  a 
precious  memorial  of  the  philanthropy  and  Jime- 
ricfmfcelin'j;  of  La  Fayette. 

This  American  feeling  has  indeed  been  mani- 
fested throughout  his  whole  life.  His  only  son 
bears  the  name  of  George  Washington,  and  his 
two  dauffhters  are  called  Carolina  and  Viririnia. 


Pun  upon  Pun. 

Strange,  Moore,  and  Wright,  three  notorious 
punsters,  were,  on  a  certain  occasion,  dining 
together,  when  Moore  observed,  "There  is  but 
one  knave  among  us,  and  that's  Strange."  "  Oh 
no,"  said  Wriglit,  "  there  is  one  .Moore."  '*  Ay," 
said  Strange,  ''  that's  iVright." 

Charles  Mattheics. 

Matthews  being  asked  what  he  was  going  to 
do  with  his  son,  (the  young  man's  profession 
was  to  be  that  of  an  architect)  "  Why,"  an- 
swered the  comedian,  "he  is  going  to  draio 
Iiouscs  like  his  father." 


Making  Free. 

Some  time  anfo,  a  member  of  Parliament  ap- 
plied to  the  post-office,  to  know  why  some  of 
his  franks  had  been  charged.  The  answer  was: 
"  We  supposed,  sir,  they  were  not  of  your  writ- 


96  humourist's  own  book. 

ing ;  the  hand  is  not  the  same.'*'  "  Why,  not 
precisely  the  same  ;  but  the  truth  is,  I  happened 
to  be  a  little  tipsrj  when  I  wrote  them."  "  Then, 
sir,  will  you,  in  future,  be  so  good  as  to  write 
'drunk,'  when  you  make/rce. 

John  Hancock. 

During  the  siege  at  Boston,  General  Wash- 
ington consulted  Congress  upon  the  propriety 
of  bombarding  the  town  of  Boston.  Mr  Han- 
cock was  the  President  of  Congress.  After 
General  Washington's  letter  was  read,  a  solemn 
silence  ensued.  This  was  broken  by  a  member 
making  a  motion  that  the  House  should  resolve 
itself  into  a  committee  of  the  whole,  in  order 
that  Mr  Hancock  might  give  his  opinion  upon 
the  important  subject,  as  he  was  deeply  inter- 
ested from  having  all  his  estate  in  Boston.  Af- 
ter he  left  the  chair,  he  addressed  the  chairman 
of  the  committee  of  the  whole  in  the  following 
words :  "  It  is  true.  Sir,  nearly  all  the  property 
I  have  in  the  world  is  in  houses  and  other  real 
estate  in  the  town  of  Boston  ;  but  if  the  expul- 
sion of  the  British  army  from  it,  and  the  liber- 
ties of  our  country  require  their  being  burnt  to 
VLshes— issue  the  order  for  that  purjwse  immedi- 
ately !" 

Historical  Doubts. 

An  auctioneer,  at  a  sale  of  antiquities,  put  up 
a  helmet,  with  the  following  candid  observa- 
tion:— "This,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  is  a  hel- 
met of  Romulus,  the  Roman  Founder ;  but 
whether  he  was  a  brass  or  iron  founder,  I  can- 
not tell." 


humourist's  own  book.  97 


Stocks  Low. 

A  vvaor,  passing  through  a  country  town  in 
the  north,  observed  a  fellow  placed  in  the 
stocks, — "  My  friend,"  said  he,  "  I  advise  you 
by  all  means  to  sell  out."  "  I  should  have  no 
objection,  your  honour,"  he  replied  drily,  ''  but 
at  present  they  seem  much  too  low." 

Hanging  for  Fashion's  Sake. 

Lord  Mansfield,  being  willing  to  save  a  man 
who  stole  a  watch,  desired  the  jury  to  value  it 
at  tenpence  ;  upon  which  the  prosecutor  cried 
out,  "  Tenpence,  my  lord  !  why  the  very  fash- 
ion of  it  cost  me  five  pounds  !"  "  Oh,"  said 
his  lordship,  "  We  must  Jiot  hang  a  man  for 
fashion's  sake." 

Judicial  Integrity. 

Judge  Sewall,  of  Massachusetts,  who  died  in 
1760,  went  one  day  into  a  hatter's  shop,  in  order 
to  purchase  a  pair  of  second-hand  brushes  for 
cleaning  his  shoes.  The  master  of  the  shop  pre- 
sented him  with  a  couple.  "  What  is  your 
price  ?"  said  the  judge.  "  If  they  will  answer 
your  purpose,"  replied  the  other, ''you  may 
have  them  and  welcome."  The  judge,  upon 
hearing  this,  laid  them  down,  and  bowing,  was 
leaving  the  shop ;  upon  which  the  hatter  said 
to  him,  "  Pray,  sir,  your  honour  has  forgotten 
the  principal  object  of  your  visit."  "  By  no 
means,"  answered  the  judge  ;  "  if  you  please 
to  set  a  price  I  am  ready  to  purchase  :  but  ever 


yo  HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK. 

since  it  has  fallen  to  my  lot  to  occupy  a  seat  on 
the  bench,  I  have  studiously  avoided  receiving 
to  the  value  of  a  single  copper,  lest,  at  some  fu- 
ture period  of  my  life,  it  might  have  some  kind 
of  influence  in  determining  my  judgment." 

Tivie  Enough. 

An  officer  in  the  fleet  of  Earl  St  Vincent, 
asked  one  of  the  captains,  who  was  gallantly 
bearing  down  upon  the  Spanish  fleet,  "  Whether 
he  had  reckoned  the  number  of  the  enemy  ?" 
"  No,"  replied  the  latter,  "  it  will  be  time 
enough  to  do  that  when  we  have  made  them 
strike  !" 

Posts  and  Railing. 

Mr  Pitt  was  forming  a  park  about  Walmer 
Castle,  thinking  to  enclose  it  with  posts  and 
rails.  As  he  was  one  day  calculating  the  ex- 
pense, a  gentleman  stood  by,  and  told  him  that 
he  did  not  go  the  cheapest  way  to  work. 
"  Why  ?"  said  the  premier.  "  Because,"  re- 
plied the  gentleman,  "  if  you  will  find  posts, 
the  country  will  find  railing.'' 

Superficial  Knowledge. 

A  young  man,  in  a  large  company,  descant- 
ing very  flippantly  on  a  subject,  his  knowledge 
of  which  was  evidently  very  superficial,  the 
Duchess  of  Devonshire  asked  his  name.  "  'Tis 
Scarlet,"  replied  a  gentleman  who  stood  by. 
*'  That  may  be,"  said  her  grace,  "  and  yet  he 
is  not  deep  read." 


humourist's  own  book.  99 


Dr  Spring  of  Watertovm. 

A  man  of  property,  residing  in  Charlestown, 
Mass.,  who  bad  long  been  in  babits  of  intem- 
perance, at  last  found  bis  bealtbontbe  decline, 
and  resolved  to  consult  the  celebrated  Dr  Spring, 
of  Watertown.  He  stated  to  him  the  symptoms 
of  his  case,  which  the  learned  Doctor  could  not 
but  understand.  "  I  can  cure  you,"  said  be, 
"  if  you  follow  my  advice  ;"  which  the  patient 
implicitly  promised  to  do.  "  Now,"  says  the  doc- 
tor, "  you  must  steal  a  horse."  "  What !  steal 
a  horse .?"  '*  Yes — you  must  steal  a  horse.  You 
will  then  be  arrested,  convicted,  and  placed  in 
a  situation  where  your  diet  and  regimen  will 
be  such,  that  in  a  short  time  your  health  will 
be  perfectly  restored." 

"  I  wish  I  could. ^^ 

A  gentleman,  travelling  in  a  long  lane,  where 
his  horse  could  hardly  get  through  the  mire, 
met  a  peasant,  of  whom  he  inquired  the  way  to 
a  certain  place.  "  Straight  forward,"  said  the 
man, "  you  cannot  go  out  of  your  way."  "  Faith, 
I  fear  so,"  said  the  querist;  "  I  wish  I  could  1" 

Lenthall,  the  Speaker. 

In  the  time  of  the  Long  Parliament,  Sandys, 
a  gentleman  of  bold  spirit,  was  examined  before 
the  House,  when  Lenthall,  the  Speaker,  put 
some  ridiculous  and  impertinent  questions  to 
him,  asking,  at  last,  what  countryman  he  was  ? 
"  Of  Kent,"  said  Sandys ;  "  and  pray,  may  I 


100  humourist's  own  book. 

demand  the  same  of  you  ?"  "I  am  out  of  the 
west,"  said  Lenthall.  "  By  my  troth,"  replied 
Sandys,  "  so  I  thought,  for  all  the  wise  men 
come  out  of  the  east." 


Exhumation  of  the  Regicides. 

In  the  crowd  which  attended  the  exhumation 
of  Cromwell,  Ireton,  and  Bradshaw,  after  the 
Restoration,  some  one  exclaimed,  "  Who  would 
have  ever  thought  to  see  Cromwell  hanged  for 
high  treason  ?"  "  Oh,  sir,"  said  another,  "  this 
is  nothing  strange  :  see,"  he  added,  pointing  to 
Bradshaw,  "  there  is  ^president  for  it." 

Doctor  Lathrop. 

Doctor  Lathrop  was  a  man  of  genuine  piety, 
but  much  opposed  to  the  noisy  zeal  that  seeketh 
"  to  be  known  of  men." 

A  young  divine,  who  was  much  given  to  en- 
thusiastic cant,  one  day  said  to  him,  "  Do  you 
suppose  you  have  any  real  religion  .?"  "  None 
to  speak  of,"  was  the  excellent  reply. 

Sir  Isaac  Newton. 

Sir  Isaac  Newton  was  once  riding  over  Salis- 
bury Plain,  when  a  boy  keeping  sheep  called  to 
him,  "  Sir,  you  had  better  make  haste  on,  or 
you  will  get  a  wet  jacket."  Newton,  looking 
round  and  observing  neither  clouds  nor  a  speck 
on  the  horizon,  jogged  on,  taking  very  little  no- 
tice of  the  rustic's  information.  He  had  made 
but  a  few  miles,  when  a  storm,  suddenly  arising, 
drenched  him  to  the  skin.   Surprised  at  the  cir- 


humourist's  own  book.  101 

cumstance,  and  determined,  if  possible,  to  as- 
certain how  an  ignorant  boy  had  attained  a 
precision  of  knowledge  of  the  weather  of  which 
the  wisest  philosophers  would  be  proud,  he  rode 
back,  wet  as  he  was.  "  My  lad,"  said  Newton, 
"  I'll  give  thee  a  guinea  if  thou  wilt  tell  me 
how  thou  canst  foretell  the  weather  so  truly." 
"Will  ye,  sir.''  I  will  then;"  and  the  boy, 
scratching  his  head,  and  holding  out  his  hand 
for  the  guinea;  "Now,  sir,"  having  received 
the  money,  and  pointing  to  his  sheep,  "  when 
you  see  that  black  ram  turn  his  tail  towards  the 
wind,  'tis  a  sure  sign  of  rain  within  an  hour." 
"  What!"  exclaimed  the  philosopher,  "  must  I, 
in  order  to  foretell  the  weather,  stay  here  and 
watch  which  way  that  black  ram  turns  his  tail .'"' 
"  Yes,  sir."  OIF  rode  Newton,  quite  satisfied 
witli  his  discovery. 


Good  Substitute  for  Law. 

"  I  defy  you,"  said  a  stubborn  culprit  to  a 
justice  during  the  Civil  War  ;  "  there  is  no  law 
now."  "  Then,"  said  the  justice  gravely  to  his 
servants,  "  if  there  be  no  law,  bring  me  a  rope." 
The  knave  instantly  knocked  under. 

Charles  II. 

Charles  the  Second  laid  it  down  as  a  rule, 
that  in  his  convivial  parties  the  king  icas  always 
absent.  Being  one  night  in  a  select  party  of 
this  kind,  one  of  his  courtiers,  who  had  contri- 
buted a  good  deal  to  his  mirth,  ventured  to  ask 
him  for  a  place.  Charles,  though  he  liked  the 
man  as  a  companion,  was  yet  unwilling  to  break 


102  humourist's  own  book. 

through  a  fixed  rule ;  and  he  therefore  quickly 
replied, — "  You  may  depend  on  it,  I  will  speak 
to  the  kins:  to-morrow  about  it." 


General  Washington'' s  Motion. 

In  1817,  in  a  debate  in  the  house  of  Dele- 
gates, on  the  bill  relative  to  a  map  of  Virginia, 
in  which  something  was  said  of  military  roads, 
Mr  Mercer  L.  related  and  applied  an  anecdote 
of  General  Washington,  which  he  had  received 
from  a  member  of  the  Convention  that  formed 
the  Constitution  of  the  United  States.  The 
subject  of  power  to  be  given  the  new  Congress, 
relative  to  a  standing  army,  was  on  the  tapis. 
A  member  made  a  motion  that  Congress  should 
be  restricted  to  a  standing  army  not  exceeding 
five  thousand  at  any  one  time.  Gen.  Washing- 
ton, who,  being  chairman,  could  not  offer  a 
motion,  whispered  to  a  member  from  Maryland, 
to  amend  the  motion,  by  providing  that  no  fo- 
reign enemy  should  invade  the  United  States 
at  any  one  time,  with  more  than  three  thousand 
troops. 

Peter  the  Great. 

A  Russian  officer,  named  Valensky,  who  had 
a  command  in  the  Persian  expedition,  had  once 
been  beaten  by  the  Emperor  Peter's  order,  mis- 
taking him  for  another.  "  Well,"  said  Peter, 
*'  I  am  sorry  for  it,  but  you  will  deserve  it  one 
day  or  other,  and  then  remind  me  that  you  are 
in  arrears  with  me ;"  which  accordingly  hap- 
pened upon  that  very  expedition,  and  he  was 
excused. 


humourist's  own  book.  103 


Judge  Jeffries. 

Jeffries,  examining  an  old  fellow  with  a  long 
beard,  told  him,  he  supposed  he  had  a  con- 
science quite  as  long  as  that  natural  ornament 
of  his  visage.  "  Does  your  lordship  measure 
consciences  by  beards.?"  said  the  man;  "that 
is  strange,  seeing  you  are  yourself  shaven." 

Sheridan  and  the  Westminster  Voter. 

As  Mr  Sheridan  was  coming  up  to  town  in 
one  of  the  public  coaches,  for  the  purpose  of 
canvassing  Westminster,  at  the  time  when 
Paull  was  his  opponent,  he  found  himself  in 
company  with  two  Westminster  electors.  In 
the  course  of  the  conversation,  one  of  them 
asked  the  other  to  whom  he  meant  to  give  his 
vote  ?  When  his  friend  replied,  "  To  Paull,  cer- 
tainly ;  for  though  I  think  him  but  a  shabby 
sort  of  fellow,  I  would  vote  for  any  one  rather 
than  that  rascal  Sheridan  !" 

"  Do  you  know  Sheridan  ?"  asked  the  stran- 
ger. 

"  Not  I,  sir,"  answered  the  gentleman,  "  nor 
should  I  wish  to  know  him." 

The  conversation  dropped  here  ;  but  when 
the  party  alighted  to  breakfast,  Sheridan  called 
aside  the  one  gentleman,  and  said, — 

"  Pray  who  is  that  very  agreeable  friend  of 
yours  ?  He  is  one  of  the  pleasantest  fellows  I 
ever  met  with,  and  I  should  be  glad  to  know 
his  name .''" 

*'  His  name  is  Mr  T :  he  is  an  eminent 

lawyer,  and  resides  in  Lincoln's  Inn  Fields." 


104  humourist's  own  book. 

Breakfast  over,  the  party  resumed  thoir  seats 
in  the  coach  ;  soon  after  which,  Sheridan  turned 
the  discourse  to  the  law.  "  It  is,"  said  he,  "  a 
fine  profession.  Men  ma}'  rise  from  it  to  the 
highest  eminence  in  the  state  ;  and  it  gives  vast 
scope  to  the  display  of  talent :  many  of  the  most 
virtuous  and  noble  characters  recorded  in  our 
history  have  been  lawyers.  I  am  sorry,  how- 
ever, to  add,  that  some  of  the  greatest  rascals 
have  been  lawyers ;  but  of  all  the  rascals  of 
lawyers  I  ever  heard  of,  the  greatest  is  one  Mr 
T ,  who  lives  in  Lincoln's  Inn  Fields." 

**  I  am  Mr  T ,"  said  the  gentleman. 

"  And  I  am  Mr  Sheridan,"  was  the  reply. 

The  jest  was  instantly  seen ;  they  shook 
hands,  and,  instead  of  voting  against  the  face- 
tious orator,  the  lawyer  exerted  himself  warmly 
in  promoting  his  election. 


JVamcs  alter  Things. 

A  few  years  since,  a  tract  of  land  belonging 
to  North  Carolina,  was  ceded  to  South  Carolina. 
A  young  lady  very  tciscly  observed,  "  I  am  sorry 
father's  plantation  is  in  that  tract;  for  every- 
body says  North  Carolina  is  more  healthy  than 
Soutli  Carolina." 


Buckingham  and  Sir  Robert  Twiner. 

The  second  Duke  of  Buckingham  talking  to 
Sir  Robert  Viner  in  a  melancholy  humour  about 
his  personal  extravagance,  "  I  am  afraid,  Sir 
Robert,"  he  said,  "■  I  shall  die  a  becrgar  at  last — 
the  most  terrible  thing  in  the  worfd."  *'  Upon 
my    word,  my    lord,"   answered  tlie    mayor, 


humourist's  own  hook.  Ki") 

"  there  is  another  thing  more  terrible  which 
you  have  reason  to  apprehend,  and  that  is,  that 
you  will  live  a  beggar  at  the  rate  you  go  on." 

^  Bulhj. 

A  bully  telling  a  ^ntleman,that  in  manhood 
and  valour  he  came  far  behind  him,  "  You  are 
not  far  wrong,"  answered  the  other  ;  "  the  last 
time  I  fouglit  with  you,  you  ran  away  so  fast 
that  I  could  not  overtake  you,  run  as  I  might." 

The  BelloiDS-Bloioer. 

In  a  cathedral,  one  day,  after  service,  the 
bellows-blower  said  to  the  organist,  "  I  think 
we  have  done  very  well  to-day."  "  We  T'  said 
the  organist,  in  no  small  surprise  at  the  impu- 
dence of  his  menial,  "  how  can  you  pretend  to 
have  any  merit  in  the  performance  .?  Never  let 
me  hear  you  say  such  a  thing  again."  The  man 
said  nothing  more  at  the  time,  but  when  they 
were  next  playing,  he  suddenly  intermitted  in 
his  task  of  inflating  the  organ.  The  organist  rose 
in  wrath  to  order  him  to  proceed,  when  the  fel- 
low, thrusting  his  head  out  from  behind  the  cur- 
tain, asked  slily,  "  Shall  it  be  we  then  .?" 

Military  Pride. 

A  farmer  was  elected  to  a  corporalship  in  a 
militia  company.  His  wife,  after  discoursing 
with  him  for  some  time  on  the  advantage  which 
the  family  would  derive  from  his  exaltation, 
inquired  in  a  doubting  tone,  "  Husband,  will  it 
be  proper  for  us  to  let  our  children  play  with 


106 


HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK. 


the  neighbours  now  ?"  One  of  the  little  urchins 
eagerly  asked,  "  Are  we  not  all  corporals  ?" 
"  Tut,"  said  the  mother,  "  hold  your  tongue  ; 
there  is  no  one  corporal,  but  your  father  and 
myself." 


Lord  Kenyon. 

A  friend  having  pointed  out  to  Sheridan,  that 
Lord  Kenyon  had  fallen  asleep  at  the  first  re- 
presentation of  Pizarro,  and  that,  too,  in  the 
midst  of  Rolla's  fine  speech  to  the  Peruvian 
soldiers,  the  dramatist  felt  rather  mortified ; 
but,  instantly  recovering  his  usual  good  hu- 
mour, he  said,  "  Ah,  poor  man !  let  him  sleep  : 
he  thinks  he  is  on  the  bench." 

Benefit  of  Stammering. 

A  stammering  Lord  Deloraine,  being  in  a 
cock-pit,  and  offering  several  bets,  which  he 
would  have  lost  if  he  could  have  replied  in  time, 
at  length  offered  ten  pounds  to  a  crown.  A 
gambler,  who  stood  by,  said,  "Done;"  but, 
his  lordship's  fit  of  stuttering  happening  to 
seize  him  at  that  moment,  he  could  not  repeat 
the  word  "  Done"  till  the  favourite  cock  was 
beat.  ''Confound  your  stuttering  tongue!" 
cried  the  leg,  "  if  you  could  speak  like  other 
folk,  you  would  be  ruined." 

^  Match  for  Sheridan. 

Sheridan  sometimes  met  with  his  match,  and 
that  in  quarters  where  it  might  have  been  least 
expected.     He  was  one  day  endeavouring  to 


humourist's  own  book.  107 

cut  a  suit  of  new  clothes  out  of  a  tailor's  shop  in 
the  city.  Flattery  was  the  weapon  he  employ- 
ed. "  Upon  my  word,"  said  he, "  you  are  an  ex- 
cellent finisher ;  you  beat  our  snips  in  the  West 
End  hollow.  Why  don't  you  push  your  thim- 
ble amongst  us  ?  I'll  recommend  you  every 
where.  Upon  my  honour  your  work  does  you 
infinite  credit."  '*  Yes,"  replied  the  artist,  "  I 
always  take  care  that  my  work  gives  lo7ig  credit, 
but  the  wearers  ready  money.'' 


-     Building  Horses. 

Not  many  years  ago,  a  pair  of  miserably  lean 
horses,  that  looked  as  though  the  next  gust  of 
wind  would  take  them  into  the  air,  and  who 
were  already  waiting  to  have  their  understand- 
ing secured  by  a  few  nails,  attracted  the  atten- 
tion of  a  wag,  while  passing  by  a  blacksmith's 
shop.  The  fellow  paused  a  moment,  and  ex- 
amined these  objects  of  anatomy,  then  stepped 
into  the  shop,  and  gravely  accosted  its  occupant 
with  "Do  you  build  horses,  sir.?"  "Build 
horses  !"  exclaimed  the  astonished  son  of  Vul- 
can, taking  off  his  paper  cap  and  lengthening 
down  his  round  good-natured  face — "  build 
horses,  sir!  what  do  you  mean.?"  "Why," 
replied  the  wag,  "  I  saw  a  couple  of  frames 
standing  at  the  door,  and  I  thought  I'd  just  in- 
quire." 

Good  Manners. 

Dunning,  the  celebrated  barrister,  was  ad- 
dicted to  the  low  and  unpardonable  vice  of 
turning  witnesses  into  ridicule  at  their  exami- 


108  humourist's  own  book. 

nations.  One  morning,  he  was  telling  Mr  So- 
licitor-General Lee  that  he  had  just  bought  a 
few  good  manors  in  Devonshire,  near  his  native 
village  of  Ashburton.  "  I  wish,"  said  Lee, 
*'  you  would  bring  some  of  them  into  Westmin- 
ster Hall ;  for,  upon  my  honour,  you  have  most 
need  of  them  there." 


A  Monarch  in  Fault. 

About  the  time  when  Murphy  so  successfully 
attacked  the  stage  struck  heroes  in  the  pleasant 
farce  of  The  Apprentice,  an  eminent  poulterer 
went  to  a  spouting-club  in  search  of  his  servant, 
who,  he  understood,  was  that  evening  to  make 
his  debut  in  Lear  ;  he  entered  the  room  at  the 
moment  when  Dick  was  exclaiming,  "  I  am  the 
king — you  cannot  touch  me  for  coining  !"  "  No, 
you  dog,"  cried  the  enraged  master,  catching 
the  mad  monarch  by  the  collar  ;  "  but  I  can  for 
not  picking  the  ducks." 

\&n  East  Indian  Major  Longbow. 

An  old  East  Indian,  who  had  returned  from 
Calcutta,  with  a  large  fortune  and  a  liver  com- 
plaint, had  retired  to  his  native  place  (Banff- 
shire), and  was  availing  himself,  one  evening, 
of  the  usual  privilege  of  travellers  to  a  very 
large  extent.  His  Scotch  friends  listened  to 
his  Major  Longboics  with  an  air  of  perfect  be- 
lief; till,  at  last,  the  worthy  nabob  happened  to 
say,  that  in  a  particular  part  of  India,  it  was 
usual  to  fatten  horses  upon  the  flesh  of  sheep's 
heads,  reduced  to  a  pulp,  and  mixed  with  rice. 
**  Oh,"   exclaimed  all   his  auditors   with  one 


humourist's  own  book.  109 

voice,  "  Oh,  that  will  never  do.  We  can  be- 
lieve all  the  rest ;  but  really,  feeding  horses 
upon  sheep's  heads  is  too  bad."  "  Well,  gen- 
tlemen," said  the  man  of  the  East,  "  I  assure 
you,  that  my  story  about  the  horses  is  the  only 
bit  of  truth  that  I  have  told  you  this  evening .'" 

The  .American  Eagle. 

A  boatman,  while  engaged  in  conveying  salt 
on  the  Onondago  lake,  a  few  years  since,  saw 
a  large  gray  eagle  cutting  his  gyrations  in  the 
air,  apparently  noticing  some  prey  in  the  lake 
beneath.  In  a  moment  he  poised,  and  darted 
from  his  altitude  into  the  water,  from  which  he 
was  unable  to  rise.  A  continued  flapping  with 
his  broad  and  extended  pinions  kept  him  from 
being  drawn  under,  and  proved  that  his  dia- 
mond eyes  had  not  mistaken  their  object.  He 
approached  the  land  slowly,  the  unknown  crea- 
ture below  acting  as  propellant  and  helmsman. 
The  boatman  grew  interested  in  the  affair,  and 
landed.  The  eagle,  on  touching  terra  firma, 
showed  himself  fastened  to  a  fine  salmon.  Our 
hero,  thinking  it  time  to  take  his  share  of  the 
plunder,  cut  himself  a  stout  cudgel,  and  ap- 
proached the  imperial  bird  of  Jove  ;  which,  hav- 
ing his  talons  fast,  was  unable  to  rise,  advance, 
or  recede.  Three  times  was  the  club  raised  to 
strike,  but  the  noble  bearing  of  the  regal  bird, 
and  his  undaunted  front,  made  even  the  boat- 
man quail.  He  could  not  assault  imprisoned 
majesty.  The  eagle  exhibited  no  signs  of  fear, 
but  occasionally  nibbled  the  gills  of  his  prize, 
and  indignantly  glanced  at  the  intrusive  boat- 
man.    At  length  the  talons  of  one  leg  became 


110  humourist's  own  book. 

released,  and,  by  a  dexterous  turn,  those  of  the 
other,  when  he  soared  away  to  his  thunder- 
clouds on  high,  leaving  the  much  coveted  sal- 
mon to  the  boatman,  who,  on  weighing  it,  found 
it  to  balance  twenty-six  pounds. 


Foote  and  the  Earl  of  Kelly. 

When  the  Earl  of  Kelly  paid  Foote  a  visit  at 
his  country  villa,  that  celebrated  wit  took  him 
into  his  garden,  and,  alluding  to  the  beaming 
honours  of  his  lordship's  face,  said,  "  Pray,  my 
lord,  look  over  the  wall  upon  ray  cucumber  bed ; 
it  has  had  no  sun  this  year." 

The  Greatest  Bore  in  London. 

When  Sir  William  Curtis  returned  from  his 
voyage  to  Italy  and  Spain,  he  called  to  pay  his 
respects  to  Mr  Canning,  at  Gloucester  Lodge. 
Among  other  questions.  Sir  William  said,  "  But, 
pray,  Mr  Canning,  what  do  you  say  to  the  tun- 
nel under  the  Thames?"  "Say,"  replied  the 
secretary,  "  why,  I  say  it  will  be  the  greatest 
hare  London  ever  had,  and  that  is  saying  a  great 
deal." 

Sheridan  upon  Regularity^  with  Jfotes  by  the 
Earl  of  Guildford. 

Just  about  the  time  that  Mr  Sheridan  took  his 
house  in  Saville  Row,  he  happened  to  meet 
Lord  Guildford  in  the  street,  to  whom  he  men- 
tioned his  change  of  residence,  and  also  an- 
nounced a  change  in  his  habits.  "  Now,  my 
dear  lord,  every  thing  is  carried  on  in  my  house 


humourist's  own  book.  Ill 

with  the  greatest  regularity;  every  thing,  in 
short,  goes  like  clockwork."  "Ah!"  replied 
Lord  Guildford,  "  tick,  tick,  tick,  I  suppose." 

^  Compliment  Quizzed. 

A  gentleman  walking  in  the  fields  with  a 
lady,  picked  a  Hue  hell,  and  taking  out  his  pen- 
cil, w^rote  the  following  lines,  which,  with  the 
flower,  he  presented  to  the  lady. 

This  pretty  flower,  of  heavenly  hue, 

Must  sttrely  be  allied  to  you  ; 

For  you,  dear  girl,  are  heavenly  too. 

To  which  the  lady  replied  : — 

If,  sir,  your  compliment  be  true, 
I'm  sorry  that  /  look  so  blue. 


Tlie  Effects  of  no  Government. 

Colonel  Barre,  the  celebrated  friend  of  the 
rights  of  America  in  the  British  Parliament, 
in  travelling  through  this  country,  some  years 
previous  to  the  revolution,  paid  a  visit  to  the 
Governor  of  Connecticut,  of  whom  he  made 
inquiries  respecting  the  constitution  of  the  coun- 
try. His  Excellency  informed  him  that,  liter- 
ally speaking,  there  was  no  government  what- 
ever; that  as  to  his  power,  he  was  a  mere  ci- 
pher ;  that  the  legislature  met  only  to  wrangle 
and  do  nothing  ;  in  a  word,  it  was  mere  anarchy 
and  confusion,  whenever  any  active  step  was 
to  be  taken ;  and  that,  upon  the  whole,  the 
people  generally  governed  themselves,  every 
man  doing  as  he  pleased.  The  conversation 
changed ;  and  the  colonel  spoke  of  the  face  of 


112  humourist's  own  book. 

the  country ;  the  improvements  everywhere 
visible  ;  and  the  universal  appearance  of  plenty 
and  happiness  in  the  fields,  dwellings,  and 
clothing  of  the  people.  The  governor  assented, 
and  said  he  believed  there  was  hardly  a  country 
in  the  world  that  excelled  it  in  all  those  particu- 
lars. Such,  said  the  colonel,  were  the  effects 
of  the  no  government  he  had  just  expatiated 
upon. 

Mr  Jekyll. 

Mr  Jekyll  being  told  that  Mr  Raine  the  Bar- 
rister was  engaged  as  counsel  for  a  Mr  Hay, 
inquired,  if  Raine  was  ever  known  to  do  good 
to  Hay  ? 


Anchovies  and  Capers. 

A  few  years  ago,  an  Irish  officer,  who  be- 
longed to  a  regiment  in  garrison  at  Malta,  re- 
turned to  this  country  on  leave  of  absence ;  and, 
according  to  the  custom  of  travellers,  was  fond 
of  relating  the  wonders  he  had  seen.  Among 
other  things,  he  one  day,  in  a  public  coffee- 
room,  expatiated  on  the  excellency  of  living  in 
general,  among  the  military.  **  But,"  said  he, 
"  as  for  the  Anchovies — by  the  powers,  there 
is  nothing  to  be  seen  like  them  in  the  known 
world!"  "  Why,  that  is  abold  assertion,"  said 
a  gentleman  present ;  "  for  I  think  England  can 
boast  of  that  article  in  as  great  perfection  as  any 
country,  if  not  greater."  "  My  dear  sir,"  re- 
plied the  Irishman,  ''you'll  pardon  me  for  saying 
that  your  opinion  is  founded  on  sheer  ignorance 
of  the  fact } — excuse  my  plain  speaking  ;  but 


humourist's  own  book.  113 

you'd  soon  be  of  my  way  of  thinking,  if  you 
saw  the  fruit  growing  so  beautiful  and  large,  as 
I  have  seen  it  many's  the  day."  "  Well  done, 
Pat,"  exclaimed  his  opponent ;  "  the  fruit  grow- 
ing so  beautiful  and  large  ! — on  a  tree,  I  suppose? 
Come,  you  won't  beat  that,  however."  "  Do 
you  doubt  the  word  of  a  gentleman,  sir.?"  re- 
torted the  officer.  "  I  doubt  the  fact^  sir,"  an- 
swered the  gentleman.  "  Then,  by  the  powers! 
you  only  display  your  own  want  of  understand- 
ing, by  so  doing  :  and  I  take  it  very  uncivil  of 
you  ;  for  I've  seen  the  anchovies  grow  upon  the 
trees  with  my  owni  eyes,  many's  the  hundred 
times;  and  beautiful's  the  grove  of  them  that 
the  Governor  has  in  his  garden  on  the  esplan- 
ade ;  besides,  the  whole  of  the  walls  of  the  for- 
tress are  completely  covered  with  them,  as  all 
my  brother  officers  could  attest  at  this  present 
time,  were  they  here  to  the  fore,  to  do  that 
same."  "  Upon  my  soul,"  returned  his  oppo- 
nent, laughing  heartily,  *'  you  out-Mandeville 
even  Sir  John  himself— and  he  was  no  flincher 
at  a  fib.  He  it  was,  I  believe,  who  asserted  that 
oysters  grew  upon  trees  on  the  Malabar  coast; 
but  you  give  us  anchovies  ready  pickled,  from 
the  same  source  !  Huzza  for  Saint  Patrick  ! — 
the  days  of  miracles  have  returned  !"  "  Then, 
sir,"  returned  the  Irishman,bridling  with  anger, 
"  am  I  to  understand  that  you  doubt  my  word  .?" 
"  You  may  understand,  sir,  what  you  please  ; 
but,  though  the  license  of  travellers  is  generally 
allowed  to  be  pretty  extensive,  you  must  not 
suppose  that  any  gentleman  in  this  company  is 
to  be  crammed  with  an  absurdity  so  palpable, 
as  that  of  anchovies  growing  upon  trees."  "  As 
much  as  to  say,  sir,  in  plain  terms,  that  I  have 

H 


114  humoueist's  own  book. 

told  you  a  lie  ? — say  the  word,  sir,  and  I  am 
satisfied.  I'm  not  quarrelsome,  sir,  but,  by  my 
sowl !  only  say  that,  and  you  had  better  been 
born  without  a  shoe  to  your  foot,  or  a  shirt  to 
your  back."  "  Neither  you,  sir,"  returned  the 
gentleman,  "  nor  any  other  man,  shall  con)pel 
me  to  say  that  I  believe  that  which  is  by  nature 
impossible."  "  Then,  sir,  I'll  beg  lave  to  ad- 
dress a  few  words  to  this  honourable  company  ; 
after  which,  as  my  veracity  and  honour  are  con- 
cerned, both  as  an  officer  and  a  gentleman,  if 
you  do  not  retract  your  words,  and  own  your 
conviction  that  what  I  have  said  is  true,  I  shall 
insist  on  your  meeting  me  in  another  place, 
more  convenient,  may  be,  for  settling  disputes, 
than  this  room."  "  Go  on,  sir,"  said  the  gentle- 
man. "  In  the  first  place,  then,  gentlemen, 
upon  my  honour  and  conscience  !  as  I  have  a 
sowl  to  be  saved,  and  to  escape  the  pains  of 
purgatory,  I  swear  by  all  the  saints  in  the 
calendar,  that  I  would  scorn  to  tell  a  false- 
hood to  man  or  mortal.  These  very  eyes  have, 
on  ten  thousand  different  occasions,  seen  the 
anchovies,  as  plump  as  gooseberries,  grow- 
ing on,  and  plucked  from,  the  trees  in  his 
majesty's  island  and  fortress  of  Malta.  In 
the  second  place "  ^'  Impossible  !"  ex- 
claimed his  pertinacious  opponent;  "  I  tell  you 
to  your  face,  and  before  these  gentlemen,  that 
you  never  saw  any  such  thing."  "  The  lie 
direct ! — By  the  rod  of  St  Patrick  !  it  is  more 
than  a  Christian  officer  can  bear; — but  I'll  keep 
myself  cool  for  the  honour  of  the  corps  ;  and  I'd 
advise  you,  sir,  if  you  can't  be  aisy,  that  you'd 
better  be  as  easy  as  you  can ;  for  if  you  spaik 
such  another  disrespectful  and  injurious  wofd, 


humourist's  own  book.  115 

I'll  not  call  you  out  at  all ;  but,  by  the  powers  ! 
I'll  smite  your  eye  out  on  the  spot,  and  plaster 
the  walls  with  your  blood  ! — so  you  had  better 
take  care  of  yourself,  and  not  be  cantankerous, 
my  dear  honey. — But  to  return  to  my  argument, 
sir,  which  you  have  so  uncivilly  interrupted, — 
I  was  going  to  observe,  in  the  second  place,  to 
yourself,  that  it  is  a  rule  in  the  army,  and  more 
particularly  in  the  honourable  corps  to  which  I 
belong,  that  no  gentleman  shall  presume  to 
doubt  the  word  of  another,  unless  he  can  posi- 
tively prove  that  he  is  wrong,  and  that  too  on 
the  spot.  Therefore,  sir,  even  suppose  I  had 
tould  you  a  lie,  you  have  no  right,  by  the  laws 
of  honour,  to  challenge  me  with  it ;  because  you 
never  were  at  Malta  at  all,  and  of  course  could 
not  see  the  thing  with  your  own  eyes.  But,  sir, 
by  way  of  conclusion  to  my  discourse,  1  have  to 
remark  to  ye,  that  you  have  not  only  insulted 
an  officer  and  a  gentleman,  but  an  Irishman  ; 
therefore  I  trust  that  every  one  present  will  see 
that  I  have  sufficient  reason  for  requiring  sat- 
isfaction." "  Satisfaction  ! — pooh  !  pooh  !  for 
what.''  for  a  mere  difference  of  opinion  ?  Non- 
sense !"  exclaimed  several  of  the  party.  '''  I 
beg  your  pardon,  gentlemen,  no  difference  of 
opinion  at  all :  he  has  given  me  the  lie  ;  and 
Cornailius  O'Flanagan's  own  father's  son  won't 
take  the  lie  from  man  or  mortal,  even,  as  I  said 
before,  if  it  was  true.  Do  ye  know  the  way  we 
begin  fighting  in  Tipperary  ^  I'll  tell  ye,  if  ye 
don't :  Paddy  chalks  his  hat,  d'ye  see,  all  round 
the  rim  of  it,  and  down  he  throws  it  on  the 
green  turf.  *  I  should  like  any  body  to  tell  me 
now,'  says  he,  '  that  this  isn't  silvur  lake.'  So, 
then,  away  they  go  to  it  with  the  shilelagh; — 


IIG  humourist's  own  book. 

you  understand  me,  sir,  that  is  our  way.  An 
Irishman's  honour  is  dearer  to  him  than  his  life  ; 
and  even  when  in  the  wrong,  he'd  sooner  die 
than  have  a  He  thrown  in  his  teeth.  So  now, 
gentlemen,  I'll  bid  ye  all  a  good  night ;  and  as 
for  you,  sir,  there  is  my  card,  which  I  shall  be 
happy  to  exchange  for  yours."  The  English- 
man, of  course,  gave  his  address,  and  the  next 
day  the  parties  met,  attended  by  their  seconds. 
They  fired,  and  O'Flanagan's  shot  took  effect  in 
the  fleshy  part  of  his  opponent's  thigh,  which 
made  the  latter  jump  about  a  foot  from  the 
ground,  and  fall  flat  upon  his  back,  wliere  he 
lay  for  a  few  seconds  in  agony,  kicking  his  heels. 
This  being  observed  by  the  Irishman's  second, 
he  said,  "  You  have  hit  your  man,  O'Flanagan, 
that  is  certain  :  I  think  not  dangerously,  how- 
ever ;  for  see  what  capers  he  cuts."  "  Capers  ! 
Capers!"  exclaimed  the  Irishman.  "  Och  !  the 
heavenly  powers  !  What  have  I  done  .''  What 
a  dreadful  mistake!"  And  running  up  to  his 
wounded  antagonist,  he  took  his  hand,  and 
pressing  it  eagerly,  thus  addressed  him  :  "  My 
dear  friend !  if  ye're  kilt,  I  ax  yer  pardon  in 
this  world  and  the  next ;  for  I  made  a  mis- 
take ; — it  was  capers  that  I  saw  growing  up- 
on the  trees  at  Malta,  and  not  anchovies  at 
all !"  The  wounded  man,  smiling  at  this  ludi- 
crous explanation  and  apology,  said,  "My  good 
fellow,  I  wish  you  had  thought  of  that  a  little 
sooner.  I  don't  think  you  have  quite  killed 
me,  but  I  hope  you  will  remember  the  difference 
between  anchovies  and  capers  as  long  as  you 
live." 


humouuist's  own  book.  117 


Anti- Climax. 

Mr  H ,  the  Professor  of  Chemistry  in  the 

University  of  Dublin,  who  was  more  remarka- 
ble for  the  clearness  of  his  intellect  than  the 
purity  of  his  eloquence,  adverted  in  one  of  his 
lectures  to  the  celebrated  Dr  Boyle,  of  whose 
talents  he  spoke  with  the  highest  veneration  : 
he  thus  concluded  his  eulogy  : — "  He  was  a 
great  man  ;  he  was  the  father  of  chemistry, 
gentlemen,  and  brother  of  the  Earl  of  Cork." 

Titles. 

Several  years  ago  there  was  a  young  English 
nobleman  figuring  away  at  Washington.  He 
had  not  much  brains,  but  a  vast  number  of  ti- 
tles, which,  notwithstanding  our  pretended  dis- 
like to  them,  have  sometimes  the  effect  of  tick- 
ling the  ear  amazingly.  Several  young  ladies 
were  in  debate,  going  over  the  list — he  is  Lord 
Viscount  so  and  so,  Baron  of  such  a  county,  &c. 
"  My  fair  frien<is,"  exclaimed  the  gallant  Lieut. 
N.  "  one  of  his  titles  you  appear  to  have  forgot- 
ten." "Ah,"  exclaimed  they  eagerly,  "  what 
is  that.'"'  "  He  is  Barren  of  Intellect,''  was  the 
reply. 

Mr  Fox's  Estimate  of  the  French  Character. 

In  one  of  the  latter  days  of  Fox,  the  conver- 
sation turned  on  the  comparative  wisdom  of  the 
French  and  English  character.  "  The  French- 
man," it  was  observed,  "  delights  himself  with 
the  present;    the  Englishman  makes  himself 


118  humourist's  own  book. 

anxious  about  the  future.  Is  not  the  Frenchman 
the  wiser.?"  "He  may  be  the  merrier,"  said 
Fox  ;  "  but  did  you  ever  hear  of  a  savage  who 
did  not  buy  a  mirror  in  preference  to  a  tele- 
scope .''" 

Upright  Judge. 

Judge  Richardson,  in  going  the  western  Cir- 
cuit, had  a  great  stone  thrown  at  him,  which, 
as  he  happened  to  stoop  at  the  moment,  passed 
clear  over  his  head.  "  You  see,"  he  said  to  his 
friends  who  congratulated  him  on  his  escape, 
"  you  see,  if  I  had  been  an  upright  judge,  I  had 
been  slain." 


Kites. 

Boys  fly  kites  for  recreation,  and  men  for 
other  motives ;  the  first  require  the  wind  to 
raise  the  kite,  the  second  the  kite  to  raise  the 
wind. 


"  Do  you  Smoke,  Sir?" 

"  Do  you  smoke,  sir  ?"  said  a  London  sharper 
to  a  country  gentleman,  whom  he  met  with  in 
a  coffee-house,  and  with  whom  he  wished  to 
scrape  acquaintance.  "  Yes,"  said  the  other, 
with  a  cool  steady  eye,  "  any  one  who  has  a 
design  upon  me." 

Dr  Franklin  on  Confederation. 

The  confederation  of  the  states,  while  on  the 
carpet  before  the  old  congress,  was  strenuously 


HUMOUUlSr's  OWN  BOOK.  119 

opposed  by  the  smaller  states,  under  the  appre- 
hension that  they  would  be  swallowed  up  by  the 
larger  ones.  They  were  long-  engaged  in  the  dis- 
cussion ;  it  produced  great  heats,  much  ill -hu- 
mour and  intemperate  declarations  from  some 
members.  Dr  Franklin  at  length  brought  the 
debate  to  a  close  with  one  of  his  little  apologues. 
He  observed  that  '*  at  the  time  of  the  union  of 
England  and  Scotland,  the  Duke  of  Argyle  was 
most  violently  opposed  to  that  measure,  and 
among  other  things  predicted,  that  as  the  w^hale 
had  swallowed  Jonah,  so  Scotland  would  be 
swallowed. by  England.  However  (said  the 
doctor),  when  Lord  Bute  came  into  the  govern- 
ment, he  soon  brought  into  its  administration 
so  many  of  his  countrymen,  that  it  was  found  in 
the  event  that  Jonah  swallowed  the  whale." 
This  little  story  produced  a  general  laugh,  re- 
stored good  humour,  and  the  article  of  difficulty 
was  passed. 

Promising  Candidate. 

A  young  clergyman,  who  possessed  every 
requisite  for  the  pulpit  but  a  good  voice,  having 
occasion  to  preach  a  probation  sermon  for  a  lec- 
tureship, a  friend  congratulated  him,  as  he  de- 
scended from  the  pulpit,  observing,  that  *'  he 
would  certainly  carry  the  election  :  he  had  no- 
body's voice  against  him  but  his  own." 

A  Friend  in  JYeed. 

A  person,  being  arrested  for  a  large  sum  of 
money,  sent  to  an  acquaintance,  who  had  often 
professed  a  great  friendship  for  him,  to  beg  he 


120  humouuist's  own  book. 

would  bail  him. 
to  the  effect  that  he  had  promised  never  to  be 
bail  for  any  body.  ''  I  will  tell  you,  however, 
what  you  may  do,"  added  he;  "you  may  get 
somebody  else,  if  you  can." 

Singular  Stakes. 

A  lady,  who  loved  gaming  very  much,  and 
who,  at  the  same  time,  was  very  covetous,  fall- 
ing sick  in  the  country,  in  a  village  where  her 
estate  lay,  sent  for  the  curate,  and  proposed  play 
to  him.  The  curate,  being  also  fond  of  gaming, 
accepted  the  proposition  with  joy.  They  played, 
and  the  curate  lost.  After  having  won  all  his 
money,  she  proposed  to  him  to  play  for  the  par- 
son's fees  at  her  burial,  in  case  she  died.  They 
played ;  and  he  lost.  She  obliged  him  to  give 
a  note  for  the  sum  at  which  interments  then 
stood  ;  and  dying  eight  or  ten  days  after,  the 
curate  withdrew  his  note  by  the  interment. 

Precedency. 

Two  little  girls  of  the  city  of  Norwich,  one 
the  daughter  of  a  wealthy  brewer,  the  other  the 
daughter  of  a  gentleman  of  a  small  fortune,  dis- 
puting for  precedency, — "  You  are  to  consider, 
miss,"  said  the  brewer's  daughter,  "  that  my 
papa  keeps  a  coach."  "  Very  true,  miss,"  said 
the  other,  "  and  you  are  to  consider  that  he 
likewise  keeps  a  dray." 

Three  ladies  meeting  at  a  visit,  a  grocer's 
wife,  a  cheese-monger's,  and  a  tobacconist's, 
who  perhaps  stood  more  upon  the  punctilios  of 


humourist's  own  book.  121 

precedence  than  some  of  their  betters  would 
have  done  at  the  court-end  of  the  town;  when 
they  had  risen  up,  and  taken  their  leave,  the 
cheese-monger's  wife  was  going  out  of  the  room 
first ;  upon  which  the  grocer's  lady,  pulling  her 
back  by  the  skirt  of  her  gown,  and  stepping  be- 
fore her,  "No,  madam,"  says  she,  "nothing 
comes  after  cheese,"  "  I  beg  your  pardon, 
madam,"  replies  the  cheese-monger's  wife,  pull- 
ing the  tobacconist's  lady  back,  who  was  also 
stepping  before  her,  "after  cheese  comes  to- 
bacco." 


Soldier  and  the  Indian. 

A  soldier  in  the  American  army,  belonging 
to  Weston,  N.  Y.  about  the  time  Gen.  Brock 
was  killed  in  battle,  was  on  a  scouting  party 
one  day.  Being  a  man  of  courage,  enterprize 
and  sagacity,  he  was  determined,  if  possible,  to 
obtain  an  accurate  knowledge  of  the  position  of 
the  enemy.  For  this  purpose  he  ventured  to 
separate  from  his  companions.  In  the  course 
of  his  reconnoitring  alone,  in  the  open  field, 
he  approached  a  wood,  the  under  brush  of  which 
was  very  thick.  His  watchful  eye  discovered 
what  he  supposed  to  be  some  animal  among  the 
bushes.  Jhle  immediately  saw  his  mistake — it 
was  an  Indian  crawling  on  his  hands  and  feet, 
with  his  rifle  in  his  hand,  and  watching  the  sol- 
dier, evidently  with  the  intention  of  advancing 
sufficiently  near  to  make  him  a  sure  mark.  For 
the  soldier  to  retreat  was  now  impossible  ;  he 
thought  he  could  not  escape,  and  he  remem- 
bered too,  that  his  father  had  told  him  never  to 
return  with  a  backside  wound.    He  pretended 


1:<J2  humourist's  own  book. 

not  to  Bee  the  Indian,  and  walked  slowly  to- 
wards him,  with  his  gun  cocked  by  his  side, 
carefully  observing  all  his  movements.  They 
approached  nearer  and  nearer  ;  at  length  he  saw 
the  Indian  bringing  the  gun  to  his  shoulder — at 
that  instant  the  soldier  fell  to  the  ground — the 
ball  whistled  its  deadly  music  over  his  head. 
The  soldier  lay  motionless.  The  Indian  uttered 
the  dreadful  yell  which  signifies  the  death  of  an 
enemy,  and,  drawing  the  bloody  scalping-knife 
(but  forgetting  to  reload  his  piece),  advanced 
with  hasty  strides,  thirsting  for  murder,  and  an- 
ticipating the  reward  for  the  scalp.  The  soldier, 
motionless,  permitted  him  to  approach  within 
ten  paces,  he  then  with  the  utmost  composure 
sprung  upon  his  feet.  The  savage  stood  aghast ! 
The  soldier  with  deliberate  aim,  put  two  balls 
directly  through  his  heart.  A  hoarse  grofian  was 
the  only  sound  that  issued  from  the  fallen  savage. 
This  son  of  the  forest  was  at  least  six  feet  five 
inches  in  height.  The  soldier  took  the  Indian's 
rifle,  returned  to  the  camp,  and  sold  it  for  twen- 
ty-five dollars. 

Lord  Richardson  and  the  Carman. 

Lord  Richardson,  riding  abroad  in  his  coach 
to  take  the  air,  and  passing  by  a  carman  whose 
horses  were  of  unequal  fatness,  called  out, 
"  Sirrah,  sirrah,  resolve  me  one  question :  why 
is  your  foremost  horse  so  lusty  and  pampered, 
and  the  rest  such  lean  jades  .^"  The  carman, 
not  knowing  the  judge,  but  deeming  him  a  law- 
yer, from  his  habit,  answered,  "  Whoy,  the 
reason  is  plain  enough;  my  fore  horse  is  the 
counsellor,  and  all  the  rest  his  clients." 


humourist's   OWN'   BOOK.  123 


My  own  Stcioard. 

*'  I  cannot  conceive,"  said  one  English  noble- 
man to  another,  "  how  it  is  that  you  manage.  I 
am  convinced  you  are  not  of  a  temper  to  spend 
more  than  your  income  ;  and  yet,  though  your 
estate  is  less  than  mine,  I  could  not  afford  to 
live  at  the  rate  that  you  do."  "  My  Lord," 
said  the  other,  "  I  have  a  place."  "  A  place  ! 
you  amaze  me.  I  never  heard  of  it  till  now. 
Pray  what  place  ?"     "  /  am  my  own  steioard." 

Cure  for  Love. 

When  Mrs  Rogers,  the  actress,  was  young 
and  handsome.  Lord  North  and  Grey  used  to 
dangl^after  her ;  and  one  night  being  behind 
the  scenes,  standing  with  his  arms  folded,  in 
the  posture  of  a  desponding  lover,  he  asked 
her,  with  a  sigh,  "  What  is  a  cure  for  love  .'*" 
"Your  lordship,"  said  she,  ''the  best  in  the 
world." 


Indian  Reply. 

A  chief  of  the  Creek  Indians,  having  been 
appointed  to  negotiate  a  treaty  of  peace  with 
the  citizens  of  South  Carolina,  and  having  met 
the  proper  authorities  for  that  purpose,  was  de- 
sired by  the  governor  to  speak  his  mind  freely 
and  without  reserve  ;  for,  as  he  was  among  his 
friends,  he  need  not  be  "afraid."  "I  will," 
said  he,  "  speak  freely  ;  I  will  not  be  afraid. 
Why  should  I  be  afraid  among  my  friends,  who 
am  never  afraid  among  my  enemies." 


124  humourist's  own  book. 


A  Pot  I  Carry. 

A  fat  apothecary,  havina:  got  drunk  at  a  tavern 
in  Fleet  Street,  was  sent  home  by  his  compan- 
ions in  a  porter's  basket.  When  the  man  came 
to  Temple  Bar,  he  was  asked  by  the  keeper 
within  what  was  his  business.  "  A  thing  of 
great  weight,^'  was  the  answer.  After  being 
admitted,  he  was  asked  what  was  in  his  basket. 
*'  A  pot  I  carry,"  replied  the  porter. 

Grosvenor  House. 

When  Grosvenor  House,  Millbank,  was  the 
extreme  house  on  one  of  the  ways  leading  out 
of  London,  somebody  asked  another,  in  passing, 
"  Who  lived  in  it .?"  "  Lord  Grosvenor,"  was 
the  reply.  "  I  do  not  know  what  estate  his 
lordship  has,"  said  the  querist;  "  but  he  ought 
to  have  a  good  one ;  for  nobody  lives  beyond 
him  in  the  whole  town." 


Professional  Obliquity  of  Understanding. 

A  gentleman,  passing  a  woman  who  was 
skinning  eels,  and  observing  the  torture  of  the 
poor  animals,  asked  her,  how  she  could  have 
the  heart  to  put  them  to  such  pain.  "  Lord, 
sir,"  she  replied,  "  they  be  used  to  it." 

A  fishmonger  of  famous  London  town  was 
telling  a  neighbour  that  he  intended  to  take  a 
trip  to  Margate,  where  he  should  spend  some 
time.  "And  will  you  bathe.''"  inquired  the 
other.    "  O,  Lord,  no  !"  answered  the  worthy 


humourist's  own  book.  125 

citizen  ;    "  the  fishes  would  know  me."     Let 
Ireland  match  this,  if  it  can. 

Wit  in  the  Gallery. 

Soon  after  the  accession  of  George  III,  an 
additional  tax  was  laid  on  beer,  to  the  great  dis- 
content of  the  populace.  His  majesty  was  one 
night  attending  the  theatre,  when  a  fellow  in 
the  upper  gallery  called  to  another  to  come 
and  drink  with  him,  as  he  had  got  a  full  pot. 
"  What  did  you  give  for  your  full  pot?"  in- 
quired the  invited  person.  "  Threepence-half- 
penny." "Threepence-halfpenny!  Why, where 
did  you  send  for  it  .^"  "To  George  the  Third." 
"  You  fool,"  said  the  other,  why  did  you  not 
send  to  George  the  Second  ?  you  would  have 
had  it  there  for  threepence." 

Female  Intrepidity. 

When  the  war  of  extermination  between  the 
Indians  and  Kentuckians  was  at  its  height,  those 
who  inhabited  the  back  parts  of  the  state  of 
Kentucky,  were  obliged  to  have  their  houses 
built  very  strong,  with  loop-holes  all  around, 
and  doors  always  fastened,  so  as  to  repel  anj' 
attack  from  the  Indians.  While  the  owner  of 
one  of  these  domestic  fortresses  was  with  his 
slaves,  at  work  on  the  plantation,  a  negro,  who 
was  posted  near  the  house,  saw  approaching  a 
party  of  Indians.  He  immediately  ran  to  the 
house,  and  the  foremost  Indian  after  him.  The 
Indian  was  the  fleetest,  and  as  the  door  opened 
to  admit  the  negro,  they  both  jumped  in  to- 
gether.    The  other  Indians  being  some  distance 


i'2(j  humourist's  own  book. 

behind,  the  door  was  instantly  closed  by  the 
planter's  wife  within,  when  the  Indian  and  ne- 
gro grappled.  Long  and  hard  was  the  strug- 
gle, for  as  in  the  case  of  Fitz  James  and  Rode- 
rick Dhu,  the  one  was  the  strongest  and  the 
other  more  expert,  but  strength  this  time  was 
the  victor,  for  they  fell,  the  Indian  below  ;when 
the  negro,  placing  his  knees  on  his  breast,  and 
holding  his  hands,  kept  him  in  that  position,  un- 
til the  woman,  seizing  a  broad  axe,  and  taking 
the  Indian  by  his  long  hair,  at  one  blow  severed 
his  head  from  his  body.  The  negro,  then  seiz- 
ing the  guns,  fired  them  at  the  other  Indians, 
which,  as  fast  as  discharged,  were  loaded  again 
by  the  planter's  wife,  until  the  party  from  the 
field,  hearing  the  firing,  arrived  and  the  Indians 
took  to  flight. 

Favor  and  Sodorini. 

Soon  after  M.  Favor  was  appointed  first  bal- 
let master  of  the  Opera  (towards  the  conclusion 
of  the  last  century),  Signer  Sodorini,  another 
performer  there,  came  one  day  upon  the  stage, 
after  the  rehearsal,  and  said  to  him  :  "  Allow 
me,  my  dear  sir,  to  introduce  myself  to  you. 
You  are  the  dearest  friend  I  have  on  earth.  Let 
me  thank  you  a  thousand  times  for  the  happi- 
ness you  have  conferred  upon  me  by  coming 
amongst  us.  Command  me  in  any  way ;  for, 
whatever  I  do  for  you,  I  can  never  sufficiently 
repay  you."  The  ballet-master,  who  had  never 
seen  or  heard  of  Sodorini  before,  was  astounded. 
At  last,  he  said,  "  Pray,  sir,  to  what  peculiar 
piece  of  good  fortune  may  I  attribute  the  com- 
pliments and  professions  with  which  you  favour 


humouuist's  own  book.  127 

me."  "  To  your  unparalleled  ugliness,  my  dear 
sir,"  replied  Sodorini;  "  for  before  your  arrival, 
I  was  considered  the  ugliest  man  in  Great  Bri- 
tain." The  ballet-master,  strange  to  say,  took 
this  joke  in  good  part;  and  the  two  were  ever 
after  warm  friends. 


JVegro  Wit. 

A  gentleman  driving  on  the  road  between 
Little  River  and  Brighton,  was  overtaken  by  a 
negro  boy  on  a  mule,  who  attempted  for  a  long 
while,  without  success,  to  make  the  animal  pass 
the  carriage.  At  length  the  boy  exclaimed  to 
his  beast,  "  I'll  bet  you  one  fippeny  I  make  you 
to  pass  this  time  ;"  and,  after  a  short  pause, 
again  said,  "You  bet.?  very  well."  The  boy 
repeated  the  blows  with  renewed  vigour,  and  at 
last  succeeded  in  making  him  pass  ;  when  the 
gentleman,  who  overheard  the  conversation 
between  Quashee  and  his  steed,  said  to  him, 
"  Well,  my  boy,  now  you  have  won,  how  are 
you  going  to  make  the  mule  pay  you .''"  "  Oh, 
sir,"  says  the  negro,  "  me  make  him  pay  me 
very  well ;  massa  give  me  one  tenpenny  for 
buy  him  grass,  and  me  only  buy  him  a  fippeny 
worth  !" 

IVhitfield. 

The  Rev.  George  Whitfield,  a  clergyman  of 
thechurchof  England,  first  arrived  in  this  coun- 
try in  the  year  1738.  He  landed  in  Savannah, 
Georgia,  and  laid  the  foundation  of  an  orphan 
house,  a  few  miles  from  Savannah,  and  after- 
wards finished  it  at  great  expense.  He  returned 


128  humourist's  own  BoaK. 

to  England  the  same  year.  On  the  following 
year  he  returned  back  to  America,  and  landed 
at  Philadelphia,  and  began  to  preach  in  differ- 
ent churches.  In  this  and  in  his  subsequent 
visits  to  America,  he  visited  most  of  the  princi- 
pal places  in  the  Colonies.  Immense  numbers 
of  people  flocked  to  hear  him  wherever  he 
preached. 

The  effects  produced  in  Philadelphia  and 
other  places,  were  truly  astonishing.  Numbers 
of  almost  all  religious  denominations,  and  many 
who  had  no  connexion  with  any  denomination, 
were  brought  to  inquire  with  the  utmost  eager- 
ness, what  they  should  do  to  be  saved.  Such 
was  the  eagerness  of  the  multitude  in  Philadel- 
phia to  listen  to  spiritual  instruction,  that  there 
was  public  worship  regularly  twice  a  day  for  a 
year  ;  and  on  the  Lord's  day  it  was  celebrated 
three  or  four  times. 

During  his  visit  to  Philadelphia,  he  preached 
frequently  after  night,  from  the  gallery  of  the 
court- house  in  Market-street.  So  loud  was  his 
voice  at  that  time,  that  it  was  distinctly  heard 
on  the  Jersey  shore,  and  so  distinct  was  his 
speech,  that  every  word  he  said  was  understood 
on  board  a  shallop,  at  Market-street  wharf,  a 
distance  of  upwards  of  400  feet  from  the  court- 
house. All  the  intermediate  space  was  crowded 
with  his  hearers.  He  was  truly  remarkable  for 
his  uncommon  eloquence  and  fervent  zeal.  His 
eloquence  was  indeed  very  great,  and  of  the 
truest  kind.  He  was  utterly  devoid  of  all  affec- 
tation. The  importance  of  his  subject,  and  the 
regard  due  to  his  hearers,  engrossed  all  his  con- 
cern. Every  accent  of  his  voice  spoke  to  the 
ear,  every  feature  of  his  face,  every  motion  of 


humourist's  own  book.  120 

his  hands,  and  every  gesture,  spoke  to  the  eye; 
so  that  the  most  dissipated  and  thoughtless  found 
their  attention  arrested,  and  the  dullest  and 
most  ignorant  could  not  but  understand.  He 
appeared  to  be  devoid  of  the  spirit  of  sectarian- 
ism ;  his  only  object  seemed  to  be  to  preach 
Christ,  and  him  crucified. 

The  following  anecdote  respecting  his  man- 
ner of  preaching,  will  serve  to  illustrate  this 
part  of  his  character.  One  day,  while  preach- 
ing from  the  balcony  of  the  court-house,  in 
Philadelphia,  he  cried  out,  "  Father  Abrahani, 
whom  have  you  got  in  heaven  ;  any  Episcopali- 
avs?''  "No!"  '^  Any  Prcshi/tcriaiis?"  "JNfo!" 
^^  Any  Baptists  P"  "No!"  "  Have  you  any  Jlie- 
thodists  there  .?"  "  No  !"  "  Have  you  any  In- 
dependents or  SecedersP'''  "No!  No!"  "Why, 
whom  have  you  then  ?"  "  We  don't  know  those 
names  here ;  all  that  are  here  are  Christians — 
believers  in  Christ — men  who  have  overcome 
by  the  blood  of  the  Lamb,  and  the  word  of  his 
testimony  !"  "  O,  is  this  the  case  .?  then  God 
help  me,  God  help  us  all  to  forget  party  names, 
and  to  become  Christians  in  deed  and  in  truth." 

Mr  Whitfield  died  in  Newburj^port,  Mass.  on 
the  30th  of  September  1770,  in  the  fifty-sixth 
year  of  his  age,  on  his  seventh  visit  to  America 
— having  been  in  the  ministry  thirty-four  years. 

Sheridan  and  Monk  Leiois. 

Sheridan  never  gave  Lewis  any  of  the  profits 
of  the  Castle  Spectre.  One  day,  Lewis,  being 
in  company  with  him,  said,  "Sheridan,  I  will 
make  you  a  large  bet."  Sheridan,  who  was 
always  ready  to  make  a  wager  (liowever  ho 
I 


130  humourist's  own  book. 

might  find  it  inconvenient  to  pay  it,  if  lost), 
asked  eagerl}',  "  What  bet?"  "All  the  profits 
of  my  Castle  Spectre,"  replied  Lewis.  "  I  will 
tell  you  what,"  said  Sheridan  (who  never  found 
his  match  at  repartee), ''  I  will  make  you  a  very 
small  one — what  it  is  worth." 


JVame  Recollected. 

At  a  dinner  party,  one  day,  somebody  talked 
of  a  rich  rector  in  Worcestershire,  whose  name 
he  could  not  recollect,  but  who  liad  not  preached 
for  the  last  twelve  months,  as  he  every  Sunday 
requested  one  of  the  neighbouring  clergy  to 
officiate  for  him."  "Oh!"  replied  a  gentleman 
present,  "  though  you  cannot  recollect  his  name, 
I  can — it  is  England — England  expects  every 
man  to  do  his  duty." 

Bon-Mot  of  Sir  William  Curtis. 

A  coach  proprietor  complained  to  Sir  William 
Curtis  that  he  suspected  his  guard  of  robbing 
him,  and  asked  what  he  should  do.-*  "  Prenez- 
garde,"  said  Sir  William. 

Consumptive  Appetite. 

Doctor  Thomson  was  called  in  to  attend  a 
gentleman  who  persuaded  himself  that  he  was, 
to  use  a  popular  expression,  '  dying  by  inches.' 
The  doctor  caught  the  invalid  at  dinner,  and 
having  seen  him  demolish  some  soup,  a  slice  of 
salmon,  two  cuts  of  chine  of  mutton,  and  half  a 
partridge,  inquired  what  other  symptoms  of  dis- 
ease he  felt.     "  None  particularly,  sir,"  said  the 


humourist's  own  book.  131 

invalid,  ''only  every  thing  about  me  tends  to 
convince  me  that  I  am  consumptive."  ''Your 
appetite  is,  at  all  events,  sir,"  said  the  doctor, 
and  walked  off. 


Commodore  Tucker. 

I  remember  well,  says  an  American  writer, 
hearing  this  venerable  man  relate  his  receiving 
his  first  commission  in  our  navy.  He  was  at 
Marblehead,  soon  after  his  return  from  England, 
and  at  the  time  Washington  was  at  Cambridge. 
Tucker,  then  a  young  m,an,  was  cutting  wood 
before  his  mother's  door,  when  a  gaily  dressed 
officer  rode  down  the  street.  It  was  in  the  dark 
of  the  evening,  and  the  officer,  seeing  Tucker 
thus  employed,  rode  up  to  him  and  asked  him  if 
he  could  inform  him  where  the  lionourahle  Samuel 
Tucker  resided.  Tucker,  astonished,  answered 
him  in  the  negative,  saying,  '-there  is  no  such 
man  lives  here ;  there  is  no  other  Sam  Tucker  in 
this  town  than  myself."  Immediately  on  hearing 
this,  the  officer  raised  his  beaver,  and,  bowing 
low,  presented  him  his  commission  in  the  navy. 

Fireworlcs. 

The  fireworks  for  the  peace  of  Ryswick  were 
made  by  a  colonel  in  the  army,  and  were  much 
admired.  This  gentleman  one  day  commending 
Purcel's  epitaph,  '  He  is  gone  to  that  place, 
where  only  his  harmony  can  be  exceeded,' — 
"  Why,"  said  a  lady  present,  "  that  epitaph  will 
serve  for  you,  with  a  very  small  alteration: 
there  is  nothing  to  do,  but  to  change  the  word 
harmony  for  fireworks." 


132  humourist's  own  book. 


llliere  Hurt. 

A  gentleman  who  was  relating  an  accident  he 
had  met  with  from  a  fall,  was  asked  by  a  sur- 
geon, if  it  was  near  the  vertehrcc  that  he  had 
been  hurt?  ''  No,  sir,"  was  the  reply,  "it  was 
near  the  Observatory." 

Bon-Mot  on  a  Tea-  Urn. 

Lady  S r  was  complaining  one  morning 

at  breakfast,  that  the  tea  was  very  bad,  and  said 
she  was  quite  sure  the  water  didn't  boil ;  "  Nay," 
said  she,  "  the  urn  didn't  even  hiss  when  it  was 
brought  in."  "No,"  said  Sir  W.  E.  "it  was 
tacit-urn.'' 


Despondency  of  Lord  Cornwallis. 

After  the  capture  of  Lord  Cornwallis,  at  York- 
town,  he  was  one  day  standing  in  the  presence 
of  General  Washington,  with  his  head  uncov- 
ered. His  Excellency  politely  said  to  him, 
"  My  Lord,  you  had  better  be  covered  from  the 
cold."  His  Lordship  applying  his  hand  to  his 
head,  replied,  "  It  matters  not,  sir,  what  be- 
comes of  this  head  now." 


Curious  Fact. 

In  the  great  catalogue  of  the  British  Museum 
Library,  many  of  the  books  are  classed  accord- 
ing to  the  subjects  of  which  they  treat.  Against 
the  head  "  Rebellion,"  there  appears  this  notice 
(only)—"  Vide  Hibernia." 


humourist's  own  book.  133 


Advantage  of  BtUtons  on  Lutestring. 

Sir  Baptist  Hickes  was  telling  how  his  gold 
buttons  were  cut  otf  in  a  crowd,  and  he  never 
the  wiser,  though  the  poorer.  Sir  Edmund  Ba- 
con asked  him,  if  they  were  not  strung  upon 
lutestring  ?  •'  No,"  answered  he.  ^-  Oh,  fie  !" 
said  Sir  Edmund,  "  that  was  the  cause  it  was 
not  discovered  ;  for,  if  they  had  been  strung 
upon  lutestring,  as  soon  as  it  was  cut  it  would 
have  cried  tzcang." 

William  III.  and  Sergeant  Maynard. 

When  the  public  bodies  at  London  paid  their 
court  to  the  Prince  of  Orange,  on  his  arrival  in 
the  ever-memorable  1G88,  Sergeant  Maynard,  a 
man  near  ninety  years  of  age,  headed  the  depu- 
tation of  lawyers.  William,  remarking  his  great 
age,  expressed  a  supposition  that  he  must  have 
outlived  all  the  men  of  law  of  his  time.  "  Why," 
said  Maynard,  with  wit  admirably  suited  to  the 
crisis,  '*  I  was  like  to  have  outlived  the  law  it- 
self, if  your  Royal  Highness  had  not  come  over." 

Red  Jacket. 

It  happened  during  the  Revolutionary  war, 
that  a  treaty  was  held  with  the  Indians,  at 
which  La  Fayette  was  present.  The  object 
was  to  unite  the  various  tribes  in  amity  with 
America.  The  majority  of  the  Chiefs  were 
friendly,  but  there  was  nmcli  opposition  made 
to  it,  more  especially  by  a  young  warrior,  who 
declared  that  when  an  alliance  was  entered  inta 


134  humourist's  own  book. 

with  America,  he  should  consider  the  sun  of  his 
country  as  set  forever.  In  his  travels  through 
the  Indian  country,  when  lately  in  America,  it 
happened  at  a  large  assemblage  of  Chiefs,  that 
La  Fayette  referred  to  the  treaty  in  question, 
and  turning  to  Red  Jacket,  said,  "  Pray  tell  me 
if  you  can,  what  has  become  of  that  daring  youth 
who  so  decidedly  opposed  all  our  propositions 
for  peace  and  amity  ?  Does  he  still  live — and 
what  is  his  condition?"  '"I,  myself,  am  the 
man,"  replied  Red  Jacket,  "  the  decided  enemy 
of  the  Americans,  as  long  as  the  hope  of  oppos- 
ing them  with  success  remained,  but  now  their 
true  and  faithful  ally  until  death." 

Two  Reasons  against  the  Pretender. 

A  staunch  Whig  of  the  old  school,  disputing 
with  a  Jacobite,  said  he  had  two  reasons  for. 
being  against  the  interest  of  the  Pretender. 
"  What  are  those  ?"  inquired  the  Tory.  ''  The 
first  is,  that  he  is  an  impostor,  and  not  really 
King  James's  son."  "Why,  that,"  said  the 
Jacobite,  "  is  a  good  reason,  if  it  could  be  prov- 
ed ;  but,  pray,  what  is  the  other  V  "  That  he 
is  King  James's  son,"  replied  the  Whig. 

A  True  Knowledge  of  Puffing. 

Some  years  ago,  a  gentleman  at  Windsor 
took  the  place  of  the  organist,  with  a  view  to 
show  his  superiority  in  execution.  Among  other 
pieces,  he  was  playing  one  of  Dr  Blow's  an- 
thems ;  but,  just  as  he  had  finished  the  verse 
part,  and  begun  the  full  chorus,  the  organ  ceas- 
ed.    On  this,  he  called  to  Dick,  the  bellows- 


humourist's  own  book.  135 

blower,  to  know  what  was  the  matter.  ''  The 
matter?"  says  Dick;  '-I  have  played  the  an- 
them below."  "Ay,"  says  the  other,  "but  I 
have  not  played  it  above."  "  No  matter,"  quoth 
Dick,  '•'  you  might  have  made  more  haste,  then  ; 
I  know  how  many  puffs  go  to  one  of  Dr  Blow's 
anthems,  as  w^ell  as  you  do  :  I  have  not  played 
the  organ  so  many  years  for  nothing." 

Di'  Butler. 

Dr  Butler  was  a  man  of  peculiar  manners. 
Being  sent  for  to  a  lady's  house,  the  lady  desired 
a  servant  to  ask  what  he  would  have  for  sup- 
per ?  "  A  roasted  horse,"  said  the  doctor.  The 
man  stared,  and  vanished  ;  but,  turning  upon 
the  stairs,  soon  re-appeared,  and  said  to  the 
reverend  divine,  "  Sir,  will  you  please  to  have 
,a  pudding  in  his  belly?"  Butler,  laughing, 
said,  "  Thou  hast  a  pudding  of  wit  in  thy  head, 
and  1  like  thee  well.  But  why  ask  me  what  I 
choose  for  supper  ?  I  came  here  to  give  advice, 
and  not  to  eat.     I  shall  eat  as  the  rest." 


General  Isaac  Hnger. 

An  officer  calling  out  to  him,  "  General  Hu- 
ger,  I  plainly  see  one  of  the  enemy's  riflemen 
taking  deliberate  aim  to  destroy  you."  "  That 
is  no  concern  of  mine,"  said  the  General.  "  If 
you  think  proper,  order  one  of  your  men  to  take 
the  fellow  off."  '•  Dodge,  or  change  your  posi- 
tion," rejoined  the  officer,  "or  you  are  a  dead 
man."  "  I  will  neither  dodge  nor  quit  my  post," 
replied  the  General,  "  be  the  consequence  what 
it  may." 


136 


HCJMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK. 


JVest  Indian  Bees. 

A  travelled  man  was  descanting  one  day  upon 
what  he  had  seen  in  his  peregrinations.  He 
was  particularly  impressive  on  the  largeness  to 
which  common  reptiles  and  insects  grew  in  tro- 
pical climates.  "  In  the  West  Indies,"  said  he, 
'-  bees  are  about  the  size  of  our  sheep."  "  And 
how  large  may  the  bee-hives  be  .?"  inquired  one 
of  the  company.  '''  Oh,  about  the  ordinary  size," 
said  the  traveller,  without  thinking  of  the  ex- 
aggerated size  he  had  just  ascribed  to  the  ten- 
ants of  these  receptacles.  "Then,"  said  the 
inquirer,  "  how  do  the  bees  get  into  the  hives  ?" 
"  Oh,"  replied  the  detected  Munchausen,  "  let 
the  bees  look  to  that !" 


Tory  FireicorJcs. 

A  Whig,  of  the  same  stamp  with  Tom  Burnet, 
being  asked  what  he  thought  of  the  fireworks 
which  celebrated  the  peace  of  Utrecht  (a  peace 
concluded  by  the  Tory  ministry  much  against 
the  wishes  of  the  opposition),  "  I  think,"  said 
he,  "  they  were  a  burning  shame." 

Cawdor  and  Corder. 

The  tragedy  of  Macbeth  was  acted  at  a  town 
in  Suffolk,  and  amongst  the  audience  was  a  man 
who  had  been  nearly  fifty  miles,  in  the  course 
of  the  day,  to  see  Corder,  the  memorable  mur- 
derer, hanged  at  Bury.  Such  was  the  belief 
entertained  to  the  last,  in  some  parts  of  the 
country,  that  the  extreme  penalty  of  the  law 


humourist's  own  book.  137 

would  not  be  inflicted,  that  the  man  who  had 
seen  him  die  was  pestered  on  all  sides  for  an 
account  of  the  melancholy  spectacle.  At  last 
he  actually  betook  himself  to  the  theatre,  to 
avoid  farther  importunities.  Just  as  he  entered, 
the  fourth  scene  of  the  tragedy  was  commenc- 
ing, and  he  was  quietly  setting  himself  down  in 
a  box  near  the  stage,  when  Duncan  began,  in 
the  words  of  the  author, — 

"Is  execution  done  on  Cawdor?" 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  man,  '•  I  saw  him  hanged 
this  morning, — and  that's  the  last  time  I'll  an- 
swer any  more  questions  about  it."  The  audi- 
ence was  convulsed  with  laughter  at  the  strange 
mistake,  and  it  was  some  time  before  the  per- 
formance could  be  proceeded  with. 

Count  Rumford. 

Sir  Benjamin  Thomson,  Count  of  Rumford, 
was  born  in  the  town  of  Rumford,  province  of 
Massachusetts.  During  the  American  war,  he 
commanded  a  regiment  of  dragoons,  and  sig- 
nalized himself  in  the  service  of  Great  Britain. 
When  the  war  terminated,  he  obtained  leave  to 
travel  on  the  continent,  where  he  hoped  to  find 
an  opportunity  of  serving  as  a  volunteer  in  the 
Austrian  army  against  the  Turks.  During  his 
travels,  he  met  the  wife  of  General  de  Berg- 
hausen,  a  woman  of  great  sense  and  knowledge, 
who  "  cured  him  of  his  martial  folly,  and  gave  a 
new  turn  to  his  ideas,  by  presenting  in  perspec- 
tive, another  species  of  glory  than  that  of  con- 
quering in  battles."  In  1784,  Mr  Thomson 
entered  the  service  of  the  Elector  of  Bavaria. 


138  humourist's  own  book. 

Madame  Berghausen  had  awakened  a  philan- 
thropic spirit  within  him,  and  he  spent  four  years 
in  gaining  the  political  and  statistical  know- 
ledge necessary  for  improving  the  condition  of 
the  poor.  He  founded  a  House  of  Industry 
at  Manheim,  and  that  noble  establishment,  the 
House  of  Industry  at  Munich.  The  estimation 
in  which  his  numerous  and  important  services 
were  held  by  the  Elector,  may  be  estimated  by 
the  marks  of  honour  conferred  upon  him  by  his 
serene  highness.  He  was  created  count  of  Rum- 
ford,  knight  of  the  orders  of  the  White  Eagle 
and  of  St  Stanislaus.  He  was  appointed  cham- 
berlain, privy  counsellor  of  state,  lieutenant 
general,  colonel  of  artillery,  and  Commander- 
in-chief  of  the  general  staff  in  the  army.  The 
inhabitants  of  Munich  also  testified  their  gra- 
titude, by  erecting  a  splendid  monument  to 
commemorate  the  good  he  had  achieved  in  Ba- 
varia. 


Prime  Ministers. 

A  person,  speaking  of  the  remarkably  short 
lives  of  prime  ministers,  said,  "  that  almost  as 
soon  as  they're  primed  they  go  off." 

Queen  Anne's  Batch  of  JVeio  Peers. 

The  peace  of  Utrecht  sticking  in  the  House 
of  Lords,  Queen  Anne,  or  rather  her  prime  min- 
ister, the  Earl  of  Oxford,  found  it  politically 
necessary  to  create  a  majority,  by  calling  up 
twelve  commoners  to  the  House  of  Peers.  The 
celebrated  Duke  of  Wharton,  who  was  in  the 
opposition,  took  care  to  be  in  the  House  the  day 


humourist's  own  book.  139 

of  their  introduction,  and,  as  they  passed  by  him, 
very  deUberately  counted  out  aloud,  "  One,  two, 
three,  four,  five,  six,  seven,  eight,  nine,  ten, 
eleven,  twelve  :  well,  gentlemen  of  the  jury, 
who  shall  speak  for  you  ? ' ' 

The  same  nobleman,  soon  after,  meeting  the 
Earl  of  Oxford,  addressed  him  with, — '•  So, 
Robin,  I  find  what  you  lost  by  tricks,  you  have 
gained  by  honours." 

Verif  Little  of  its  Age. 

Foote  being  at  a  nobleman's  house,  his  lord- 
ship, as  soon  as  dinner  was  over,  ordered  a  bot- 
tle of  Cape  to  be  set  on  the  table,  which,  after 
magnifying  its  good  qualities,  and,  in  particular, 
its  age,  he  sent  round  the  table  in  glasses  that 
scarcely  held  a  thimble-full.  '•  Fine  wine,  upon 
my  soul,"  says  the  wit,  tasting,  and  smacking 
his  lips.  "Is  it  not  very  curious.^"  says  his 
lordship.  "Perfectly  so,  indeed,"  says  the 
other ;  "  I  do  not  remember  to  have  seen  any 
thing  so  little  of  its  age  in  my  life  before." 

Counsellor  C . 

Counsellor   C being  chosen  a  friendly 

arbitrator  between  two  near  relations,  one  of 
whom  had  a  very  deservedly  bad  character,  it 
happened,  in  the  warmth  of  stating  their  griev- 
ances, the  one  gave  the  other  the  lie.  "  Lie, 
sir!"  says  the  man  with  the  bad  character; 
"  know,  that  is  amongst  the  actions  of  my  life  I 
dare  not  do."  "  My  dear  friend,"  says  the  coun- 
sellor, "  do  not  be  in  a  passion :  upon  ray  soul, 


140  humourist's  own  book. 

you  have  too  mean  an  opinion  of  your  own 
courage." 

Joseph  Lancaster. 

When  Mr  Joseph  Lancaster  had  finished  his 
lecture,  from  the  chair  of  the  house  of  repre- 
sentatives in  the  United  States,  Mr  Clay,  the 
speaker,  complimented  him,  saying,  that  the 
chair  had  never  before  been  filled  so  well:  Mr 
Lancaster  very  modestly  replied,  that  man,  in 
his  purest  aspect,  was  but  a  very  humble  instru- 
ment in  the  hands  of  a  higher  Power;  the  chair 
he  had  just  filled,  exalted  as  it  was,  had  not  been 
filled  with  anything  better  than  Clay. 

Quin. 

Quin  one  day  complaining  of  his  old  age  and 
infirmities,  in  the  public  rooms  at  Bath,  a  pert 
young  coxcomb  asked  him,  "  What  would  he 
give  to  be  as  young  as  he  was  ?"  '•'  I  do  not 
know,"  says  Quin,  measuring  him  very  con- 
temptuously, ''  but  I  should  be  almost  content 
to  be  as  foolish." 


Mess-room  Gossip. 

The  late  Duke  of  York  once  remarked  to 
Colonel  W.  at  the  mess  of  the  11th  regiment, 
that  the  colonel  was  uncommonly  bald,  and, 
although  a  younger  man  than  his  royal  highness, 
he  stood  more  in  need  of  a  wig.  The  colonel, 
who  had  been  of  very  long  standing  in  the  ser- 
vice, and  whose  promotion  had  been  by  no  means 
rapid,  informed  his  royal  highness,  that  his  bald- 


humourist's  own  book.  141 

ncss  could  be  very  easily  accounted  for.  '•  In 
what  manner?"  asked  his  royal  highness,  rather 
eagerly.  To  whicli  Colonel  W.  replied,  "  By 
junior  ofHcers  stepping-  over  my  head."  Tiie 
duke  was  so  pleased  with  the  reply,  that  the 
gallant  colonel  obtained  promotion  in  a  few  days 
afterwards. 


Beau  Brummcll. 

When  Brummell  was  the  great  oracle  on 
coats,  the  Duke  of  Leinster  was  very  anxious 
to  bespeak  the  approbation  of  the  '  Emperor  of 
the  Dandies,'  for  a  '  cut'  which  he  had  just 
patronized.  The  duke,  in  the  course  of  his  eulogy 
on  his  Sclincider,  had  frequently  occasion  to  use 
the  words  '  my  coat.'  '■  Your  coat,  my  dear 
fellow!"  said  Brummell,'- what  coat  .^"  '-Why, 
this  coat,"  said  Leinster  ;  "  this  coat  that  I  have 
on."  Brummell,  after  regarding  the  vestment 
with  an  air  of  infinite  scorn,  walked  up  to  the 
duke,  and,  taking  the  collar  between  his  finger 
and  thumb,  as  if  fearful  of  contamination,  said, 
"  What !  duke,  do  you  call  that  thing  a  coat  .^" 

General  Stark. 

At  the  battle  of  Bennington,  when  the  armies 
were  about  to  commence  the  engagement,  the 
British  Colonel  Baum  addressed  a  speech  to  his 
troops,  exhorting  them  to  contend  valiantly  with 
the  enemy,  who,  in  tbeir  white  frocks,  were  in 
view  before  tliem,  representing  them  as  the  own- 
ers of  the  soil,  who  would  fight  hard  to  defend 
it.  General  Stark  addressed  his  men  in  the  fol- 
lowing  laconic  speech,  every  word  of  which 


142  humourist's  own  book. 

indicates  the  determined  bravery  of  this  hardy 
American — "  My  boys  !  you  see  those  red  coats 
yonder  !  They  must  fall  into  our  hands  in  fif- 
teen minutes,  or — Molly  Stark  is  a  widow  !" 

Counsellor  C . 

Counsellor  C being  very  infirm  and  gouti- 

fied  from  his  excesses,  meeting  one  day  with  an 
old  friend  of  his,  a  permit  ofiicer  of  the  custom- 
house, the  latter  asked  how  he  did?  "Ay!" 
says  the  counsellor,  "  you  will  not  have  me  long 
amongst  you."  "  Come,  come,"  says  the  other, 
"  do  not  be  cast  down ;  you  shall  not  have  a  per- 
mit to  die  yet  awhile."  "Shall  not  I,  indeed?" 
says  the  counsellor ;  "  why,  then,  I  would  have 
you  keep  a  sharp  look-out  for  death ;  for,  if  you 
don't,  I  am  afraid  he  will  smuggle  me." 

TJic  Wharfingers. 

A  bill  was  brought  into  the  House  of  Assem- 
bly of  Jamaica,  for  regulating  wharfingers.  Mr 
Paul  Phipps,  a  distinguished  member,  said, 
"  Mr  Speaker,  I  very  much  approve  the  bill. 
The  wharfingers  are  a  set  of  knaves.  /  was  one 
myself  for  ten  years." 

Ludicrous  Mistake. 

When  Mrs  Mary  Robinson  published  her 
Sappho  and  Phaon,  she  wrote  to  Mr  Boaden, 
then  editor  of  a  newspaper,  in  the  following 
terms  : — "  Mrs  Robinson  would  thank  her  friend 
Boaden  for  a  dozen  pufts  for  Sappho  and  Phaon." 
By  mistake  of  the  twopenny  post,  this  note  was 


humourist's  own  book.  143 

delivered  to  ]\Ir  Bowden,  the  pastry  cook,  in  the 
Strand,  who  sent  this  answer ; — "  Mr  Bowden's 
respectful  compliments  to  Mrs  Robinson  ;  shall 
be  very  happy  to  serve  her  ;  but,  as  Mrs  R.  is 
not  a  constant  customer,  he  cannot  send  the 
puffs  for  the  young  folks  without  first  receiving 
the  money." 

Punning  Flattery. 

One  day,  when  Sir  Isaac  Heard  was  in  com- 
pany with  George  III,  it  was  announced  that 
his  majesty's  horse  was  ready  for  hunting.  '•  Sir 
Isaac,"  said  the  king,  "'  are  you  a  judge  of  hor- 
ses ?"  '-In  my  younger  days,  please  your  ma- 
jesty, I  was  a  great  deal  among  them,"  was  the 
reply.  ''What  do  you  think  of  this,  then  ?" 
said  the  king,  who  was  by  this  time  preparing 
to  mount  his  favourite  ;  and,  without  waiting 
for  an  answer,  added,  '•  we  call  him  Pcrfcctiun.'' 
*'  A  most  appropriate  name,"  replied  the  courtly 
herald,  bowing  as  his  majesty  reached  the  sad- 
dle ;  *•  for  he  bears  the  best  of  characters." 

If  You  can,  I  cannot. 

An  American  gentleman,  who  was  so  passion- 
ately fond  of  backgammon,  that,  even  to  be  a 
spectator  of  it,  much  interested  him,  happened 
to  be  surveying  a  game  in  which  one  of  the 
players  showed  an  evident  inferiority  to  the 
other.  As  the  game  proceeded,  he  was  wrought 
up  to  a  pitch  of  perfect  fury  at  the  bad  play  of 
tliis  individual,  who,  on  the  other  hand,  main- 
tained, under  all  his  reverses,  a  coolness  per- 
fectly admirable.     ••  Can  you  bear  that.''"  cried 


144  humourist's  own  book. 

the  American  at  every  hit  made  by  tlie  good 
player.  "  Why  not?"  said  the  other,  with  per- 
fect indifference.  At  last,  on  the  good  player 
gaining  an  advantage  of  a  particularly  brilliant 
nature,  "  Can  you  really  bear  that?"  exclaimed 
the  American.  '"  Why  not?"  drawled  out  the 
loser,  with  his  usual  philosophic  coolness. 
''Well,"  cried  the  American,  "  if  you  can,  I 
cannot;"  and  seizing  the  board,  he  threw  the 
whole,  dice,  men,  and  every  thing,  into  the  fire. 


Militia  Fine. 

At  the  close  of  a  militia  training  in  the  coun- 
try, the  officers  had  a  custom  to  assemble  in  the 
tavern,  look  over  the  business  of  the  day,  and 
direct  the  clerk  on  the  subject  of  collecting  fines. 

In  the  town  of  L ,  on  such  an  occasion,  it 

was  discovered  that  several  absentees  had  vari- 
ous excuses,  which,  if  offered,  would  be  deemed 
sufficient;  but  the  officers,  not  having  the viili- 
tia  lata  at  hand,  were  in  doubt  as  to  the  time 
allowed  for  the  purpose  of  offering  excuses.  A 
young  soldier,  who  had  listened  to  tlie  subject, 
and  discovered  the  uncertainty  of  the  officers 
as  to  the  above  point,  remarked  that  he  knew 
that  they  could  not  fine  a  man  for  no Ji- existence 
if  he  executed  himself  within  eight  days. 

Good  Exchange. 

Garrick  having  remarked  at  the  Beef-Steak 
Club,  that  he  had  so  large  a  mass  of  manuscript 
plays  submitted  to  his  perusal,  tliat  they  were 
constantly  liable  to  be  mislaid,  he  observed,  that, 
unpleasant  as  it  was  to  reject  an  author's  piece, 


humourist's  own  book,  145 

it  was  an  affront  to  the  poor  devil's  feelings  if  it 
could  not  instantly  be  found;  and  that,  for  this 
reason,  he  made  a  point  of  ticketing  and  labelling 
the  play  that  was  to  be  returned,  that  it  might 
be  forthcoming  at  a  moment's  notice.  "  A  fig 
for  your  hypocrisy  !"  exclaimed  Murphy,  across 
the  table  :  "  you  know,  Davy,  you  mislaid  my 
tragedy  two  months  ago,  and  I  make  no  doubt 
you  have  lost  it."  "  Yes,"  replied  Garrick  ; 
"  but  you  forget,  you  ungrateful  dog,  that  I  of- 
fered you  anore  tlian  its  value  ;  for  you  might 
have  had  two  manuscript  farces  in  its  stead." 

A  CompUcatio7i  of  Disorders. 

*•  What  did  Mr die  of.?"  asked  a  sim- 
ple neighbour.  ••  Of  a  complication  of  disor- 
ders," replied  his  friend.  "  How  do  you  describe 
this  complication,  my  good  sir.''"  "  He  died," 
answered  the  other,  "  of  two  physicians,  an 
apothecary,  and  a  surgeon  !" 

Stake  versus  Steak. 

On  one  occasion,  Garrick  dined  in  the  beef- 
steak room  at  CoA'Tjnt  Garden,  ready  dressed  in 
character  for  the  part  of  Ranger,  which  he  was 
to  perform  the  same  night  at  the  other  theatre. 
Ranger  appears  in  the  opening  of  the  comedy  ; 
and  as  the  curtain  was  not  drawn  up  at  the 
usual  time,  the  audience  be^an  to  manifest  con- 
siderable impatience,  for  Garrick  had  not  yet 
arrived.  A  call-boy  was  instantly  dispatched 
for  him,  but  he  was  unfortumitcly  retarded  by 
a  line  of  carriages  that  blocked  up  the  whole  of 
Russel  Street,  which  it  was  necessary  for  him  to 

K 


146  humourist's  own  book. 

cross.  This  protracted  still  farther  the  com- 
mencement of  the  piece  ;  and  the  house  evinced 
considerable  dissatisfaction,  with  cries  of"  Man- 
ager, manager !"  When  Garrick  at  length 
reached  the  green-room,  he  found  DrFord,  one 
of  the  patentees,  pacing  backwards  and  forwards 
in  great  agitation.  The  moment  the  doctor  saw 
him,  he  addressed  him  in  a  strong  tone  of  re- 
buke. "  I  think,  David,  considering  the  stake 
you  and  I  have  in  this  theatre,  you  might  pay 
more  attention  to  its  business."  "  True,  my 
good  friend,"  returned  Garrick,  "  I  should  have 
been  in  good  jtime ;  but  I  was  thinking  of  my 
steak  in  the  other."  The  appearance  of  their 
favourite  soon  pacified  the  audience,  and  Gar- 
rick went  through  the  character  with  more  viva- 
city than  ever. 


Deny  Every  Thing  and  Insist  tipon  Proof. 

Lawyer  Acmoody  figured  at  the  bar  in  Ess- 
ex county,  Massachusetts,  something  like  half 
a  century  ago.  He  had  a  student  named  Var- 
num,  who,  having  just  completed  his  studies, 
was  journeying  to  a  distant  town  in  company 
with  his  master.  Acmoody,  on  his  way,  ob- 
served to  his  student — "  Varnum,  you  have  now 
been  with  me  three  years,  and  finished  your 
studies  ;  but  there  is  one  important  part  of  a 
lawyer's  practice,  of  great  consequence,  that  I 
have  never  mentioned."  ''  What  is  that.'*"  in- 
quired the  student.  ''  I  will  tell  it,"  replied  A., 
"  provided  you  will  pay  expenses  at  the  next 
tavern."  The  student  agreed,  and  Acmoody 
imparted  the  maxim  at  the  head  of  this  article. 
The  supper,  «&c.,  were  procured  j  and,  on  pre- 


humourist's  own  book.  147 

paring  to  set  off  from  the  tavern,  Acmoody  re- 
minded Varnum  that  he  had  engaged  to  pay  the 
bill.  '•  1  deny  ercry  thing,  and  insist  ujwn proof,'' 
retorted  Varnum.  The  joke  was  so  good,  that 
Acmoody  concluded  it  best  to  pay  the  bill  him- 
self 

Hyper  criticism. 

When  Colman  read  his  admirable  opera  of 
Inkle  and  Yarico  to  the  late  Dr  Moseley,  the 
doctor  made  no  remark  during  the  progress  of 
the  piece;  but,  when  it  was  concluded,  being 
asked  what  he  thought  of  it,  "  It  won't  do,"  said 
the  doctor;  "stuff,  nonsense!"  Every  body 
else  having  been  delighted  with  it,  this  decided 
disappro"bation  puzzled  tlie  circle  :  he  was  asked 
why  ?  ''  I'll  tell  you  why,"  answered  the  critic  j. 
"  you  say  in  the  finale, 

'  Now,  let  us  dance  -and  sin<T, 
While  all  Barbadoes'  bells  shall  ring.' 

It  won't  do  :  there  is  but  one  bell  in  the  whole 
island." 


Appropriate  Illustrations. 

Some  one  was  asked  what  works  he  had  in 
the  press?  ''  Why.  the  History  of  the  Bank,  with 
notes  ;  the  Art  of  Cookery,  with  plates  ;  and  the 
Science  of  Single-Stick,  with  wood-cuts." 

Distinction  between  a  Lord  and  a  Gentleman. 

In  the  reign  of  King  James  the  First,  it  is 
said,  that  titles  were  not  always  well  placed  ; 


148  humourist's  own  book. 

which  made  an  extravagant  young  fellow  very 
smart  upon  a  courtier,  whom  he  desired  to  move 
the  King  to  make  him  a  Lord.  "  What  preten- 
sions, either  of  blood  or  merit,"  replies  the  cour- 
tier, '•  have  you  to  recommend  you  to  that  dig- 
nity?" The  young  man  confessed  modestly, 
that "  he  hoped  he  stood  possessed  of  all  the 
qualities  requisite  for  a  fashionable  nobleman  ; 
that  he  loved  dogs  and  dice ;  scorned  wit 
in  poor  clothes;  and  had  beat  his  shoemaker, 
and  ruined  his  tailor."  The  matter  came  to  the 
king's  ear;  but  the  young  candidate's  prefer- 
ment was  opposed  by  a  person  in  waiting,  who, 
it  seems,  had  had  no  feeing  in  the  affair.  The 
king  demanded  what  reasons  there  were  against 
the  man's  being  made  a  lord  ;  the  courtier  in- 
sisted, that  "  he  was  a  mean  obscure  person,  and 
not  so  much  as  a  gentleman."  '"Oh!  it  is  no 
matter  for  that,"  replies  the  monarch,  merrily, 
''  I  can  make  a  lord,  though  I  cannot  make  a 
gentleman." 

^  Lawyer  cannot  he  too  Barefaced. 

A  barrister  observed  to  a  learned  brother  in 
court,  that  he  thought  his  whiskers  were  very 
unprofessional.  "You  are  right,"  replied  his 
friend;  "  a  lawyer  cannot  be  too  barefaced." 

A  Fashionahle  Bonnet. 

A  Masachusetts  gentleman  in  Baltimore  lately 
wrote  that  he  intended  to  send  a  fashionable 
bonnet  to  his  daughter,  but  w^as  afraid  to  ven- 
ture it  on  the  deck  of  the  packet,  and  could  not 
get  it  down  the  hatchway. 


humourist's  own  book.  149 


Sharp  enough  Already. 

A  solicitor,  who  was  remarkable  for  the  length 
and  sharpness  of  liis  nose,  once  told  a  lady,  that 
if  she  did  not  immediately  settle  a  matter  in  dis- 
pute, he  wonld  file  a  bill  against  her.  '"  Indeed, 
sir,"  said  the  lady,  '•  there  is  no  necessity  for 
you  to  file  your  hilly  for  I  am  sure  it  is  sharp 
enough  already." 

Venetian  Blinds. 

Three  Venetians,  whom  the  late  Lord  Byron 
brought  with  him  into  England,  were  so  dread- 
fully attacked  by  ophthalmia,  as  almost  en- 
tirely to  lose  their  eye-sight.  '^  What  can  we 
do  with  these  poor  fellows?"  said  his  lordship, 
when  he  heard  of  their  misfortune.  '•  Why," 
said  Dr  L.,  "attJie  worst,  we  can  set  each  of 
them  up  as  a  Venetian  Blind.''' 

Lord  L&iighhorough . 

Lord  Loughborough  rallying  a  physician  one 
day  on  the  efficacy 'of  his  prescriptions,  the 
doctor  said,  he  defied  any  of  his  patients  to  find 
fault  with  him.  ''That."  answered  the  witty 
lord,  "  is  exactly  what  Jack  Ketch  says." 

A  Little  More. 

A  New  England  merchant  who  had  accumu- 
lated a  vast  property  by  care  and  industry,  yet 
still  was  as  busy  as  ever  in  adding  vessel  to  ves- 
sel and  store  to  store,  though  considerably  ad- 


150  humourist's  oww  book. 

vanced  in  life,  being  asked  by  a  neighbour,  how 
much  property  he  supposed  would  satisfy  a  hu- 
man being — after  a  short  pause  replied,  "  A  little, 
tnore." 


JVational  Paradoxes. 

Somebody  once  remarked,  that  the  English- 
man is  never  happy  but  when  he  is  miserable  ; 
the  Scotchman  is  never  at  home  but  when  he  is 
abroad  }  and  the  Irishman  is  never  at  peace  but 
when  he  is  fighting." 

A  Trifler. 

"  I  will  forfeit  my  head  if  you  are  not  wrong," 
exclaimed  a  dull  and  warm  orator,  to  the  presi- 
dent Montesquieu,  in  an  argument.  ''  I  accept 
it,"  replied  the  philosopher;  "  any  trifle  among 
friends  has  a  value." 


Jl  Hard  Run. 

A  droll  equivoque,  and  not  unseajsonable,  took 

place  between  Sir and  Mr  M ,  at  the 

time  of  the  great  cash  distresses  in  1826.  The 
baronet  overtook  the  latter  on  returning  from  a 
fox  chase;  and,  supposing  the  banker  had  been 
one  of  the  field,  and  wishing  to  say  something 
civil  as  he  passed,  observed,  '•  A  hard  run  to- 
day, Mr  M."  ''  Oh,  no,  sir,  I  assure  you  !"  re- 
plied the  conscious  man  of  money,  not  of  straw ; 
''  no  such  thing,  sir ;  not  in  the  least  Imrd-prcss- 
ed  to-day;  no  run  at  all !"  "  Why  we  run  him 
in !"  rejoined  the  baronet,  with  evident  surprise ; 
'*  would  you  have  all  knocked  up  ?"  "  Oh  !  you 


humourist's  own  book.  151 

are  talking  of  the  fox,  perhaps,"  said  the  banker, 
''  and  I  was  thinking  of  my  bank.  I  have  not 
been  luinting,  but  hunted  all  the  week  by  a  pack 
of  fools." 

A  Moving  Discourse. 

^  certain  reverend  drone  in  the  country, 
preaching  a  very  dull  sermon  to  a  congregation 
not  used  to  him,  many  of  them  slunk  out  of  the 
church,  one  after  another,  before  the  sermon  was 
nearly  ended.  "  Truly,"'  said  a  gentleman  pre- 
sent, "  this  learned  doctor  haS^made  a  very  mov- 
ing discourse." 


Laugh  and  Grow  Fat. 

It  has  been  stated  that  good  humour,  and  the 
power  of  looking  on  the  favourable  side  ot 
things,  are  among  the  concomitant  causes  of 
corpulency,  and  so  they  have  been  considered 
from  the  days  of  Solomon — '  A  merry  heart 
doeth  good  like  a  medicine  ;  but  a  broken  spirit 
drieth  the  bones.' — Proverbs.  Now  the  optics  of 
some  lean  peopre  are' in  so  unlucky  a  perspec- 
tive, as  to  throw  a  shade  over  every  picture  that 
is  presented  to  them — to  them  the  whole  face  of 
nature  is  gloomy  and  ugly.  It  would  be  a  bless- 
ed tiling  to  such  persons  if  Dollond  could  alter 
their  vision  by  the  aid  of  spectacles.  To  fatten 
a  man  by  impressions  on  the  optic  nerve  would 
be  a  new  feat  in  the  philosophy  of  physic  and 
surgery. 

'  Laugh  and  grow  fat'  is  an  old  adage,  and 
Sterne  tells  us,  that  every  time  a  man  laughs  he 
adds  something  to  his  life.    An  eccentric  philo- 


152  humourist's  own  book. 

sopher  of  the  last  century  used  to  say,  that  he 
liked  not  only  to  laugh  himself,  but  to  see  and 
to  hear  laughter.  "  Laughter,  sir,  laughter  is 
good  for  the  health — it  is  a  provocative  to  the 
appetite,  and  a  friend  to  digestion.  Dr  Syden- 
ham, sir,  said  the  arrival  of  a  Merry  Andrew  in 
a  town,  was  more  beneficial  to  the  health  of  the 
inhabitants  than  twenty  asses  loaded  with  medi- 
cine." Mr  Pott  used  to  say  tliat  he  never  saw 
the  '  Tailor  riding  to  Brentford,'  without  feel- 
ing better  for  a  week  afterwards. 

Duke  of  Bucliingliam. 

An  instance  of  astonishing  quickness  is  re- 
lated of  the  witty  Duke  of  Buckingham.  Being 
present  at  the  first  representation  of  one  of  Dry- 
den's  pieces  of  heroic  nonsense,  where  a  lover 
says,  "  My  wound  is  great,  because  it  is  so 
small!"  the  Duke  cried  out,  "Then  'twould 
be  greater,  were  it  none  at  all."  The  play  was 
instantly  damned. 

Sliort  Prayers. 

At  a  dinner  party  at  the  Duke  of  Ormond's, 
in  1715,  Sir  William  Wyndham,  in  a  jocular 
dispute  about  short  prayers,  told  the  company, 
among  whom  was  Bishop  Atterbury,  that  the 
shortest  prayer  he  had  ever  heard,  was  that  of 
a  common  soldier,  just  before  the  battle  of  Blen- 
heim : — "  O  God,  if  there  be  a  God,  save  my 
soul,  if  I  have  a  soul  !"  Tiiis  was  followed  by 
a  general  laugh.  Atterbury  seemed  to  join  in 
the  conversation,  and,  applying  himself  to  Sir 
William   Wyndham,  said,  '<  Your  prayer,  Sir 


humourist's  own  jbook.  153 

William,  is  indeed  very  short;  but  I  remember 
another  as  short,  and  much  better,  offered  up 
likewise  by  a  poor  soldier,  in  the  same  circum- 
stances : — ^  O  God,  if,  in  the  day  of  battle,  I  for- 
get thee,  do  not  thou  forget  me  !'  " 

A  Highlander  offered  up  a  prayer  almost  as 
laconic  as  either  of  the  above  two,  just  before 
fighting  for  the  Old  Chevalier,  at  the  battle  of 
Sheriffmuir.  He  said,  "  Oh  Lord,  be  thou  for 
us  ;  but  if  thou  be  not  for  us,  be  not  against  us, 
but  leave  it  between  the  red  coats  (the  king's 
soldiers)  and  us." 

Three  Uses  of  one  Word. 

A  person  who  lived  in  constant  fear  of  the 
bailiffs,  having  absconded,  one  of  his  acquaint- 
ances was  asked,  what  was  the  reason  of  his 
absence  ?  to  which  he  replied,  ''  Why,  sir,  I 
apprchcjid  he  was  apprehensive  oi  being  ajjpre- 
hended." 

Amiable  Compassion. 

Theodore  Hook  being  told  of  the  marriage  of 
a  political  opponent,  exclaimed,  "I  am  very 
glad,  indeed, jto  hear  it."  Then  suddenly  add- 
ed, with  a  feeling  of  compassionate  forgiveness, 
''  And  yet  I  don't  see  why  I  should,  poor  fellow, 
for  he  never  did  me  much  harm." 


Revolutionary  Anecdote. 

In  the  year  17G8,  when  the  combined  forces 
of  France  and  America  were  contemplating  an 


154  humourist's  own  book. 

attack  on  Newport,  R.  I.,  Gen.  Sullivan  arrang- 
ed his  army  to  march  against  the  British  forces. 
He  disposed  his  troops  in  three  divisions ;  the 
first  division  was  ordered  to  take  the  west  road^ 
the  second  to  take  the  east  road,  and  the  thircr 
to  march  in  the  centre.  The  advanced  guard 
having  arrived  within  three  hundred  yards  of 
the  British,  commenced  throwing  up  entrench- 
ments. The  British  then  fired  a  few  scattering 
shot,  which  passed  over  the  heads  of  the  Ame- 
ricans without  doing  any  injury.  The  Ameri- 
can guards  were  placed  about  thirty  rods  in 
advance  of  the  army,  and  within  speaking  dis- 
tance of  the  guards  of  the  British.  In  full  view 
were  five  or  six  hundred  horses  feeding,  which 
excited  the  enterprise  of  a  young  man  by  the 
name  of  Mason,  about  twenty  years  old.  This 
young  man,  in  open  day,  and  in  the  presence 
of  both  armies,  conceived  the  bold  design  of 
carrying  off"  one  of  these  horses  as  a  prize.  In  a 
low  piece  of  ground  between  both  sentinels, 
were  a  few  scattering  elders,  by  means  of  which 
he  contrived  to  pass  both  lines  undiscovered, 
and  made  direct  for  the  pasture,  where  the  hor- 
ses with  their  saddles  on  were  feeding,  and  the 
bridles  slipped  about  their  necks.  Among  these 
he  selected  the  best  horse  he  could  find,  which 
he  mounted,  and  after  leaping  two  or  three 
fences,  entered  the  road  which  led  to  the  Ame- 
rican army.  As  he  approached  the  British 
guards,  he  put  spurs  to  his  horse  and  passed 
them  before  they  had  time  to  recover  their  sur- 
prise ;  when  he  received  the  fire  of  both  senti- 
nels at  the  same  time.  But  our  hero  had  the 
good  fortune  to  escape  unhurt,  and  arrived  safe 
in  the  American  camp  with  his  noble  prize, 


humourist's  own  book.  155 

when  he  halted,  and  in  a  dignified  manner, 
drew  from  his  holster  both  his  pistols,  and  ex- 
tending- his  arms,  discharged  them  both  in  tri- 
U^iph. 

But  the  alarm  given  by  the  sentinels  called 
out  both  armies,  and  the  panic  extended  even 
to  the  British  fleet  in  the  harbour.  Alarm  guns 
were  fired  for  many  miles  up  and  down  the 
coast,  and  the  whole  country  was  filled  with  the 
utmost  consternation.  The  British  army  parad- 
ed in  front  of  the  fort,  expecting  immediate 
attack.  The  troops  immediately  sprang  for  their 
horses,  when  lo !  one  poor  red  coat  was  seen 
wandering  alone,  destitute  of  a  horse.  The 
cause  of  alarm  was  soon  discovered,  and  both 
armies  retired. 

Our  hero,  after  exhibiting  his  horse  in  proud 
triumph  for  about  two  hours,  sold  him  to  one  of 
the  oflicers  for  five  hundred  dollars,  a  reward 
worthy  of  one  of  the  most  bold,  daring  and  suc- 
cessful enterprises  of  which  history  can  boast. 

Hoio  to  Pay  a  Doctor's  Bill. 

A  singular  old  gentleman  was  waited  upon 
with  his  surgeon's  bill,  for  the  purpose  of  being 
paid.  After  cogitating  over  its  contents  for 
some  time,  he  desired  the  person  in  waiting  for 
his  answer,  to  tell  his  master,  that  the  medicine 
he  should  certainly  pay  for,  but  that  he  should 
return  the  visits. 


Reason  to  he  Thankful. 

A  very   worthy,   though  not  a  particularly 
erudite,  under-writer  at  Lloyd's,  was  conversing 


156  humourist's  own  book. 

one  day  with  a  friend  in  the  coiFee-house  on  the 
subject  of  a  ship  they  had  mutually  insured. 
His  friend  observed.  ''Do  you  know  that  I 
shrewdly  suspect  our  ship  is  in  jeopardy?'^ 
"The  devil  she  is,"  replied  he;  "well,  I'm 
glad  that  she's  got  into  some  port  at  last." 

Wilkes. 

At  the  period  of  Wilkes's  popularity,  every 
wall  bore  his  name,  and  every  window  his  por- 
trait. In  china,  in  bronze,  or  in  marble,  he 
stood  upon  the  chimney-pieces  of  half  the  hou- 
ses of  the  metropolis  ;  he  swung  upon  the  sign- 
post of  every  village  of  every  great  road  through- 
out the  country.  He  used  himself  to  tell,  with 
much  glee,  of  a  monarchical  old  lady,  behind 
whom  he  accidentally  walked,  looking  up,  and 
murmuring  within  his  hearing,  in  much  spleen, 
"  He  swings  every  where  but  where  he  ought !" 
Wilkes  passed  her,  and,  turning  round,  polite- 
ly bowed. 

Dean  Swift's  Opinion  of  Faults. 

Dean  Swift  had  a  shoulder  of  mutton  brought 
up  for  his  dinner,  too  much  done  :  he  sent  for 
the  cook,  and  told  her  to  take  the  mutton  down, 
and  do  it  less.  "  Please  your  honour,  I  cannot 
do  it  less."  "  But,"  says  the  Dean,  "  if  it  had 
not  been  done  enough,  you  could  have  done  it 
more,  could  you  not  V  "  Oh,  yes  !  very  easi- 
ly." "  Why,  then,"  says  the  Dean,  '•  for  the 
future,  when  you  commit  a  fault,  let  it  be  such 
a  one  as  can  he  mended," 


humourist's  oavn  book.  157 


Tlie  ^Mother  of  General  Greene. 

Among  the  many  ladies  wUo  distinguished 
themselves  for  their  patriotism,  charity,  and 
other  good  qualities  in  our  revolution,  there  is 
one  whose  name  ought  not  to  be  forgotten,  and 
who,  in  my  opinion,  is  equal  in  merit  to  any 
that  flourished  in  our  coiintry,  and  they  were 
many  at  that  time.  About  the  commencement 
of  our  revolution,  and  as  soon  as  it  was  ascer- 
tained that  Nathaniel  Greene,  afterwards  Gene- 
ral Greene,  intended  to  join  our  army,  in  defence 
of  his  country,  a  deputation  of  Friends  (com- 
monly called  Quakers),  and  to  whose  society  he 
then  belonged,  by  order  of  their  meeting,  wait- 
ed on  him  to  endeavour  to  dissuade  him  from 
it,  and  after  listening  to  all  their  arguments  on 
the  subject,  he  informed  them  that  he  felt  an 
irresistible  propensity,  not  to  be  got  over,  for 
joining  his  brethren  in  arms.  He  thanked  them 
for  the  interest  they  had  taken  in  his  welfare  ; 
but  he  could  not  comply  with  their  request. 
When  the  deputation  took  an  affectionate  leave, 
and  left  him,  his  mother,  who  had  been  listen- 
ing with  all  the  anxiety  of  a  fond  parent,  used 
her  best  endeavours  to  prevail  on  him  to  stay 
at  home,  when  he  told  her  it  was  impossible. 
After  a  pause  she  burst  into  tears,  with  this 
remarkable  observation — '•  Well,  Nathaniel,  if 
thee  must  go,  it  is  possible  that  I  may  hear  of 
thy  death,  and  if  it  is  God's  will  that  it  shall  so 
happen,  1  hope  I  shall  not  have  the  mortifica- 
tion to  hear  of  thee  being  wounded  in  the  back." 
Comment  is  needless — a  Spartan  mother  could 
not  have  said  more;  but  Mra  Greene  stands 


158  humourist's  own  book.  * 

pre-eminently  superior  to  the  mothers  of  anti- 
quity, as  her  education  was  so  different — she 
was  bred  a  Christian. 


InscrijJtion  for  an  Apothecary. 

The  following  was,  in  consequence  of  an 
evening's  frolic,  inscribed  by  some  wags  of  Ox- 
ford, over  an  apothecary's  door : — 

Hie  venditur 

Catharticum,  Emeticuin,  Narcoticum, 

Et  omne  quod  exit  in  um, 

Praeter 

Remedium. 


Counsel's  Opinion. 

An  eminent  barrister  had  a  case  sent  to  him 
for  an  opinion.  The  case  stated  was  the  most 
preposterous  and  improbable  that  ever  occurred 
to  the  mind  of  man,  and  concluded  by  asking, 
Whether,  under  such  circumstances,  an  action 
would  lie  ?  He  took  his  pen  and  wrote,—  "  Yes, 
if  the  witnesses  loill  lie  too;  but  not  otherwise." 


Playing  the  Fool. 

A  lady  beating  a  tune  on  a  table,  as  destitute 
of  harmony  as  time,  asked  another,  if  she  knew 
what  she  played?  '•  I  do,"  answered  she; 
"  you  play  the /ooZ." 

Sheridun. 

When  Sheridan's  life  was  to  be  insured,  Mr 
Aaron  Graham,  the  magistrate,  was  applied  to, 


humourist's  own  book.  159 

in  order  to  know  whether  Mr  Sheridan  was,  at 
that  period,  living  a  more  regular  life  than  usual. 
*'I  believe  he  is,"  said  the  justice;  '■  but  un- 
derstand me  ;  I  think  he  is  more  regularly  tip- 
sy, every  night  noic,  than  he  has  been  for  seve- 
ral years  past." 

Impartiality. 

It  is  known  to  all  who  are  acquainted  with 
the  early  history  of  Kentucky,  that  the  first 
emigrants  settled  in  small  squads,  like  the  first 
settlements  in  all  other  frontier  countries,  for 
mutual  defence.  The  order  was,  whenever  an 
alarm  was  given,  all  were  to  run  to  that  place. 
Early  one  morning  the  shouts  and  cries  of  a 
female  were  heard — all  ran  to  the  spot.  When 
they  arrived,  they  saw  a  bear  and  a  man  engag- 
ed in  combat.  They  had  it  hip  and  thigh,  up 
and  down,  over  and  under,  and  the  man's  wife 
standing  by  and  hallooing  "  Fair  play!  fair  play!" 
The  company  ran  up  and  insisted  on  parting 
them.  The  woman  said,  "No — no — let  them 
fight !  for  it  is  the  first  fight  I  ever  saw,  that  I 
did  not  care  which  whipped." 


Writing  doivn  a  Character. 

Much  about  the  time  of  the  universal  damna- 
tion of  Macpherson's  Homer,  the  Lord  Advocate 
of  Scotland,  being  in  company  with  a  number  of 
beaux  csprits,  after  haranguing  with  great  vehe- 
mence and  nationality  on  the  general  talents 
of  Mr  Macpherson,  asserted  there  was  not  a 
man  in  England  had  ever  the  knack  oficriting 
down  a  character  more  than  he  had.  '•  I  believe 


160  humourist's  own  book. 

it  most  sincerely,"  says  a  gentleman  present; 
"  and  I  think  he  has  given  a  very  recent  proof 
of  it,  by  icriting  dozen  one  of  the  first  characters 
of  all  antiquity." 

Drawings  of  Cork. 

Jack  Bannister,  praising  the  hospitality  of 
the  Irish,  after  his  return  from  one  of  his  trips 
to  the  sister  kingdom,  was  asked  if  he  had  been 
in  Cork.  "  No,"  replied  the  wit;  "  but  I  saw 
a  great  many  drawings  of  it." 

Religion  of  Sea  Chaplains. 

When  the  Earl  of  Clancarty  was  captain  of  a 
man  of- war,  and  was  cruising  off  the  coast  of 
Guinea,  he  happened  to  lose  his  chaplain,  who 
was  carried  off  by  a  fever ;  on  which  the  lieu- 
tenant, who  was  a  Scotchman,  gave  him  notice 
of  it,  saying  at  the  same  time,  "that  he  was 
sorry  to  inform  him  he  had  died  a  Roman  Ca- 
tholic." "  Well,  so  much  the  better,"  said  his 
lordship.  "  Hout  awa,  my  lord  ;  how  can  you 
say  so  of  a  British  clergyman  ?"  "  Why,"  said 
his  lordship,  "  because  I  believe  I  am  the  first 
captain  of  a  man-of-war  that  could  boast  of  hav- 
ing a  chaplain  who  had  any  religion  at  all." 

Jl  Scotch  Moon. 

An  English  lady  was  on  a  visit  to  a  friend  in 
Edinburgh,  who  was  at  great  pains  to  point  out 
to  her  all  the  delightful  prospects  of  that  roman- 
tic city.  The  stranger,  assuming  an  air  of  con- 
sequence, generally  answered,  "  'Tis  very  well 


humourist's  own  book.  161 

for  a  Scotch  view!'''  One  delightful  evening, 
walking  along  Queen  Street,  while  the  autum- 
nal moon  shone  with  uncommon  lustre,  her 
friend  could  not  help  expressing  her  admiration 
of  the  resplendent  orb  of  niglit,  when  the  Cock- 
ney remarked,  "  'Tis  pretty  well  for  a  Scotch 
Muon  /' 


Bachelor^ s  Revenge. 

An  old  bachelor  in  Ohio,  by  way  of  a  set-off 
against  General  M'Clure's  proposition  to  tax 
bachelors  instead  of  dogs,  proposed  as  follows — 
hear  him.  "  Let  every  one  that  is  tired  of  con- 
jugal felicity  pay  a  certain  fee  to  the  state  for  a 
divorce,  according  to  his  ability  ;  and  it  will  not 
only  supersede  the  necessity  of  taxing  dogs,  but 
there  will  be  no  need  of  taxes  of  any  kind.  And 
if  government  will  give  me  the  exclusive  privi- 
lege of  unmarrying  all  those  who  wish  to  be 
unmarried  in  the  United  States,  I  will  pledge 
myself  to  pay  off  the  national  debt  in  five  years." 

New  Meaning  of  the  word  Remonstrate. 

A  worthy  farmer  in  the  north  of  England  was 
once  waited  upon  by  a  tax-gatherer,  who  claim- 
ed taxes  which  had  been  already  paid.  The  re- 
ceipt had  been  mislaid,  and  the  farmer  could 
not  on  the  instant  produce  it.  The  man  of  taxes 
became  very  abusive  ;  and  the  farmer,  in  his 
own  phrase,  remonstrated  with  him.  "  Well, 
and  to  what  effect  did  you  remonstrate  with 
him .'"  asked  a  friend,  who  heard  the  story  from 
the  farmer's  own  mouth.  "  I  don't  know,  was 
the  reply  ;    '^  but  I  know,  the  poker  was  bent, 

L 


1G2  humourist's  own  book. 

and  I  had  to  get  a  hammer  to  straighten  it 
again." 

Jl  Bridle  for  the  Tongue. 

A  young  nobleman,  who  had  just  arrived  from 
his  travels,  full  of  the  follies  of  youth  and  the 
vanities  of  his  rank,  was  rattling  away  at  a  great 
rate  one  morning  at  the  Smyrna  coffeehouse. 
He,  in  particular,  took  great  pains  to  let  the  com- 
pany know  of  what  consequence  he  was  abroad, 
by  the  number  of  valuable  presents  made  him  at 
the  several  courts  of  Europe  :  "  For  instance, 
now,"  says  he,  "  I  have  got  a  Iridic  given  me 
by  the  King  of  France,  so  exceeding  rich  and 
elegant,  that,  upon  my  soul,  I  do  not  know  what 
use  to  make  of  it."  "  A  bridle  !  my  lord,"  says 
an  old  gentleman,  who  sat  in  the  corner.  "  Yes^ 
sir,"  says  his  lordship.  "  Why,  then,  I  think 
the  best  use  you  can  make  of  that  is,  to  jnit  it 
about  your  tongue." 

Lord  Holland  and  the  Chairmen. 

The  late  Lord  Holland  (who  was,  perhaps, 
the  fattest  man  of  his  height  in  England),  and 
his  brother  Charles,  coming  out  of -the  Thatch- 
ed-house  one  night  together,  a  chair  was  called 
for  the  former,  wlio,  altering  his  mind,  agreed 
to  go  home  in  his  brother's  carriage,  which  was 
in  waiting  :  the  chairmen,  however,  being  dis- 
appointed, he  gave  them  a  shilling.  "Long 
life  to  your  lord.ship,"  says  Paddy  ;  "  sixpence 
more  to  your  poor  chairmen."  "  What !"  says 
he,  "  have  1  not  given  you  your  full  fare  ?"  "  O, 
yes,  your  lordship  }  but  consider  the  fright.'' 


humourist's  own  book.  1G3 


Original  Anecdote. 

A  countryman  from  Kentucky  was  offering 
for  sale,  a  few  days  since,  on  vendue  range,  a 
horse,  which  he  was  anxious  to  dispose  of.  Se- 
veral purchasers  were  examining  him — there 
were  also  present  three  or  ibur  young  men,  who 
undertook  to  quiz  the  back-countryman.  To 
their  numerous  inquiries  as  to  the  quail  lies,  price, 
&c.  of  his  horse,  the  most  civil  and  ingenuous 
answers  were  given,  without  any  suspicion  on 
the  part  of  the  owner,  of  their  object — at  length, 
one  of  the  number  abruptly  addressed  him  with 
the  question,  "  Why,  sir,  what  occasions  your 
horse  to  laugh  so  .?"  The  reply  was  (and  it  si- 
lenced the  presumption  of  the  inquirer  and  his 
companions),  '•  I  cannot  imagine,  sir,  unless 
he  is  smiling  at  his  mistake  in  supposing  him- 
self amongst  gentlemen,  which  he  now  finds  is 
nut  the  case." 


Rehearsing  a  Funeral. 

Lord  Chesterfield,  a  little  before  his  death, 
was  so  infirm,  that,  whenever  he  went  out  in 
his  coach,  the  horses  were  generally  led  step  by 
step.  In  this  situation  he  was  one  morning  met 
by  an  acquaintance,  who  congratulated  his  lord- 
ship on  being  able  to  take  the  air.  "  I  thank 
you  kindly,  sir,"  says  his  lordship  ;  but  I  do 
not  come  out  so  much  for  the  air,  as  for  the  be- 
nefit of  rehearsing  my  funeral." 


Best  Sort  of  Language  for  the  Pulpit. 
The  vicar  in  a  certain  village  in  England,  re- 


IG4  humourist's  own  book. 

turning  one  Sunday  from  church,  was  thus 
accosted  by  an  opulent  farmer :  "  Well,  doctor," 
said  he,  "  you  be  gwain  on  pretty  well  now  ; 
but  why  dount  ye  gi'  us  now  and  tan  a  scrap  of 
Latin?"  "Why,"  said  the  vicar,  "  if  I  had 
thought  it  had  been  your  wish,  I  should  have 
had  no  objection,  but  for  one  thing — I  am  afraid 
you  would  not  understand  it."  "  That,"  said 
the  other,  "  is  nout  to  you;  an  we  do  pay  vor 
the  best,  we  oft  to  ha'  the  best." 

Poverty  a  Virtue. 

Dr  R maintained  that  poverty  was  a 

,t,"  replied  Mr  Canning,  "is  lite- 


virtue.     "  That, 


virtue.     "  1  hat,    replied  Mr  (Jannn 
rally  making  a  virtue  of  necessity." 

Anecdote  of  Joe  Miller. 

Joe  Miller  going  one  day  along  the  Strand,  an 
impudent  Derby  Captain  came  swaggering  up 
to  him,  and  thrust  between  him  and  the  wall. 
"  I  don't  use  to  give  the  wall,"  said  he,  "  to 
every  jackanapes." 
so  made  way  for  him. 


Lord  Korhury. 

Lord  Norbury,  happening  to  drive  out  in  the 
neighbourhood  of  Kingstown,  was  accosted  by  a 
poor  person  in  want  of  employment.  His  lord- 
ship asked  him  many  questions,  and,  amongst 
others,  his  name,  and  what  business  he  follow- 
ed. He  said,  "  his  name  was  Pew,  and  he  was 
a  labourer."  "  Why,  I'ew,"  replied  his  lord- 
ship, "  you  should  have  had  a  permanent  situa- 
tion in  the  church." 


humourist's  own  book.  1G5 


A  Patriot  F readier. 

The  other  evenincr  we  heard  a  gentleman  re- 
late an  anecdote  which  ought  to  be  recorded. 
It  is  this  ! 

At  tliat  eventful  period  when  our  country  was 
invaded  by  Provost,  a  clergyman,  resident  about 
thirty  miles  from  this,  exhorted  his  flock  to 
march  to  Plattsburgh  and  repel  the  enemy.  Ma- 
ny did  so.  After  they  had  departed,  the  guar- 
dian of  liberties,  as  well  as  souls,  called  togetlier 
those  who  had  remained,  for  the  purpose  of  of- 
fering up  prayers  for  the  success  of  those  who 
had  departed,  and  when  they  had  assembled,  he 
could  not  find  an  '  able  bodied  man'  among  his 
congregation.  It  was  composed  of  females  and 
decrepid  old  men.  A  scene  like  this  was  fuel  to 
the  feelings,  and  food  for  the  emotions  of  the 
heart  of  a  patriot,  and  the  preacher  was  not 
wholly  unmoved  by  it.  He  commenced  a  prayer 
— he  faltered.  He  recommenced — again  he 
faltered.  The  emotions  of  his  heart  choked 
up  the  avenues  of  his  soul,  and  the  burning 
feelings  of  the  patriot  had  got  the  mastery  of 
the  calm,  mellifluent  strains  of  the  preacher. 
He  arose  from  his  knees  and  exclaimed,  "  I 
cannot  pray  when  my  mind  is  not  on  my  Maker 
— and  I  confess,  it  now  centres  on  Plattsburgh .' 
whither  I  shall  repair  with  all  possible  speed, 
and  render  my  feeble  assistance  in  defence  of 
the  civil  and  religious  liberty  which  we  now 
enjoy."  He  immediately  embraced  the  weep- 
ing congregation — bid  them  a  hearty  *  good 
bye' — implored  a  blessing — took  his  gun  and 
followed  his  brethren  to  the  field  of  battle. 


166  humourist's  own  book. 


Technical  Remark. 

A  printer  observing  two  bailiffs  pursuing  an 
ingenious  but  distressed  author,  remarked,  "  that 
it  was  a  new  edition  of '  The  Pursuits  of  Litera- 
but  hot- 


Sheridan  and  the  Great  Seal. 

At  a  canvass,  in  which  Sheridan  was  engag- 
ed at  Westminster,  soon  after  the  Great  Seal  of 
England  was  so  strangely  abstracted,  the  mob 
saluted  'him  with  loud  cries  of, — "  Who  stole 
the  Seal?  Sherry  stole  the  Seal,"  &c. ;  and 
one  fellow  at  last  exclaimed,  "  I  suppose  if  there 
had  been  a  watch  at  it,  he  would  have  stolen  it 
too."  "  No,"  said  Sheridan  ;  "  if  there  had  been 
a  icatch  at  it,  it  probably  would  not  have  been 
stolen  at  all." 

Laiighahle  Misprint. 

In  the  newspaper  account  of  an  inquest  held 
on  the  body  of  a  glutton,  who  died  by  devouring 
part  of  a  goose,  the  verdict  suffocation  was 
printed,  with  more  truth  than  was  intended, 
stiffocation. 

Sheridan  and  Lord  TJiurlow. 

Sheridan  was  dining  with  the  black-browed 
Chancellor,  when  he  produced  some  admirable 
Constantia,  which  had  been  sent  him  from  the 
Cape  of  Good  Hope.  The  wine  tickled  the 
palate  of  Sheridan,  who  saw  the  bottle  emptied 


humourist's  own  book.  167 

with  uncommon  rejvret,  and  set  his  wits  to  work 
to  get  another.  The  old  chancellor  was  not  to 
be  so  easily  induced  to  produce  his  curious  Cape 
in  such  profusion,  and  foiled  all  Sheridan's  at- 
tempts to  get  another  glass.  Sheridan  being 
piqued,  and  seeing  the  inulility  of  persecuting 
the  immovable  pillar  of  the  law,  turned  towards 
a  gentleman  sitting  farther  down,  and  said, 
"  Sir,  pass  me  up  that  decanter,  for  I  must  re- 
turn to  Madeira  since  I  cannot  double  the  Cape." 

Siamese  Twins. 

An  argviment  offered  by  one  of  the  twins,  at 
their  late  trial  in  Salem,  afforded  much  amuse- 
ment to  the  court.  It  was  nearly  in  this  form, 
and  was  addressed  to  Mr  Prescott,  the  complain- 
ant : — '■  You  swear  you  fraid  o'  me  ;  you  fraid  I 
kill  you,  shoot  you — at  the  same  time  you  know 
I  have  guns — you  see  I  shoot  if  I  choose — and 
you  keep  round  me,  following  me  about — I  ask 
you  civilly  not  to  follow  me — you  won't  let  me 
go  away — you  call  me  and  my  mother  hard 
name — and  yet  you  swear  you  fraid  I  kill  you. 
Now,  suppose  1  see  a  man  in  my  country,  in 
Siam — he  goes  out  into  woods,  and  sees  a  lion 
asleep — he  say,  '  Oh  !  I  fraid  that  lion  kill  me' 
— what  I  think  of  that  man  if  he  go  up  and  give 
that  lion  a  kick  and  say,  '  Get  out,  you  ugly- 
beast?'  I  wish  you  answer  me  that." 

Rival  Shoemakers. 

Two  rival  shoemakers,  who  lived  directly  op- 
posite to  each  other,  in  one  of  the  streets  near 
the  west  end  of  London,  and  whose  opposition 


168  humourist's  own  book. 

was  not  in  situation  alone,  but  in  every  matter 
connected  with  business,  carried  on  for  a  lonjr 
time  a  war  of  advertisements  and  placnrds,  till 
at  last,  one  of  them,  to  signify  the  purity  of  his 
style  of  doing  business,  got  his  door- way  adorn- 
ed with  the  classic  sentence,  '  Mens  conscia 
recti.'  This  the  other  conceived  to  be  an  ad- 
vertisement of  something  in  the  line  of  busi- 
ness ;  and,  as  he  was  a  ladies'  shoemaker  also, 
he  got  his  door  ornamented  with  the  following 
improved  reading  of  the  apothegm, — '  Men's 
and  women's  conscia  recti.' 


Edinburgh  Castle. 

As  a  person  was  showing  Dr  Johnson  the 
Castle  of  Edinburgh,  he  mentioned  to  him  a 
traditi-on  that  some  part  of  it  had  been  standing 
three  hundred  years  before  Christ.  "  Much 
faith,"  replied  the  doctor  in  his  usual  manner, 
"  is  due  to  tradition  ;  and  that  part  of  the  for- 
tress which  was  standing  at  so  early  a  period, 
must  undoubtedly  have  been  the  rock  upon  which 
it  is  founded  !" 

Lord  Batcman. 

In  1781,  Lord  Bateman  waited  upon  the  king, 
and,  with  a  very  low  bow,  begged  to  know  "  at 
what  hour  his  majesty  would  please  to  have  the 
stag  hounds  turned  out?"  "  I  cannot  exactly 
answer  that,"  replied  the  king,  "but  I  can  in- 
form you,  that  your  lordship  was  turned  out 
about  two  hours  ago."  The  Marquis  Caermar- 
then  succeeded  him. 


humourist's  own  book.  1G9 


Anscr  CapitoJinus. 

"  Boy,  what  have  you  got  before  you  there?" 
cried  a  pursy  old  doctor  of  divinity,  who  sat  at 
the  head  of  a  table  in  one  of  the  colleges  of  Ox- 
ford, to  a  young  man  a  good  way  down.  "  An- 
ser  Capitolinus,"  cried  the  boy  in  reply.  *'  A 
capital  answer,"  roared  the  doctor;  "  send  mo 
a  wing." 

Popular  Explanation. 

At  the  commencement  of  the  French  Revolu- 
tion, when  the  popular  excitement  was  at  its 
licight  upon  tlic  subject  of  the  royal  veto,  Mira- 
beau  heard  an  old  woman  in  one  of  the  fau- 
bourgs bawling  out,  with  all  imaginable  zeal, 
"No  veto!  no  veto!"  "My  good  woman," 
said  Mirabeau,  "  I  am  a  stranger  in  Paris,  but 
find  every  bod}'  talking  about  the  veto,  do  tell 
me  what  it  means."  "  Means,"  said  she,  "why 
a  tax  upon  sugar,  to  be  sure — so  no  veto  !  no 
veto !" 

Sergeant  Prince. 

Sergeant  Prince,  a  contemporary  of  Murphy, 
the  translator  of  Tacitus,  has  described  that 
gentleman  as  the  most  lengthy  and  soporific 
speaker  of  his  time.  Bar,  bench,  jurors,  attor- 
neys— nay,  even  the  javelin-men,  nodded  un- 
der their  somnolescent  influence.  A  counsel 
getting  up  to  reply  to  him,  began,  "  Gentle- 
men, the  long  speech  of  the  learned  sergeant 
"     "  1  beg  your  pardon,  sir,"  interrupted 


170  hdmourist's  own  book. 

Mr  Justice  Nares,  "you  might  say  the  long 
sohloquy  of  the  learned  sergeant,  for  my  brother 
Prince  has  been  talking  an  hour  to  himself." 

Unattackahle. 

An  officer  was  defending  himself  before  Sir 
Sydney  Smith,  for  not  having  attacked  a  cer- 
tain post,  because  he  had  considered  it  unat- 
tachahle.  "  Sir,"  said  the  gallant  chief,  "  that 
word  is  not  English." 


Biblical  Comment. 

At  the  commencement  of  the  French  revolu- 
tionary war,  an  honest  farmer,  who  read  his 
Bible  every  Sunday,  went  to  his  rector,  and 
asked  him  whether  he  did  not  think  that  the 
contest  would  go  very  hard  with  the  French  ? 
The  rector  replied,  that,  if  it  pleased  God,  he 
hoped  it  would.  "  Nay,"  said  the  farmer,  ''  I 
am  sure  it  will  then  ;  for  it  is  said  by  the  pro- 
phet Ezekiel,  chap.  xxxv.  verse  1,  '  Son  of  man, 
set  thy  face  aga^inst  Mount  Sier;'  now,  my  wife, 
who  is  a  better  scholar  than  I  am,  says  that  this 
can  be  nothing  but  Mounscer,  the  Frenchman  ; 
and  in  almost  the  next  verse  it  is  still  stronger, 
for  there  the  prophet  adds,  '  O,  Mount  Sier,  I 
am  against  thee,  and  I  will  make  thee  most  de- 
solate.' " 

Danger  of  doing  Homage. 

Mr  Carbonel,  the  wine-merchant,  who  served 
George  the  Third,  was  a  great  favourite  with  the 
good  old  king,  and  was  admitted  to  tlie  honours 


humourist's  own  book.  171 

of  the  royal  hunt.  Returnin<T  from  the  chase  one 
day,  his  majesty  entered,  in  his  usual  affable 
manner,  into  conversation  with  him,  ridinor  sido 
by  side  with  him,  for  some  distance.  Lord  Wal- 
singham  was  in  attendance,  and  watching  an 
opportunity,  whispered  to  MrCarbonel,  that  he 
had  not  once  taken  his  hat  oif  before  his  majes- 
ty. "  What's  that,  what's  that,  Walsingham .?" 
inquired  the  good-humoured  monarch.  Mr  Car- 
bonel  at  once  said,  "  I  find  1  have  been  guilty  of 
unintentional  disrespect  to  your  majesty,  in  not 
taking  off  my  hat ;  but  your  majesty  will  please 
to  observe,  that  whenever  I  hunt,  my  hat  is 
fastened  to  my  wig,  and  my  wig  to  my  head, 
and  I  am  on  the  back  of  a  high-spirited  horse  ; 
so  that  if  any  thing  goes  off,  we  must  all  go  off 
together  !"  The  king  laughed  heartily  at  this 
whimsical  apology. 

Slanting  Rain. 

"  John,"  said  a  gentleman  the  other  day,  "  I 
am  going  to  church,  and  if,  as  it  now  has  the 
appearance,  it  should  rain,  I  wish  you  to  come 
with  the  umbrella  for  me ;  however  you  need  not 
come  unless  it  should  rain  down  straight."  The 
gentleman  went, — it  did  rain,  but  according  to 
John's  construction  of  his  orders,  it  was  not  ne- 
cessary, from  the  appearance  of  the  rain,  to  go 
with  the  umbrella.  While  standing  at  the  door, 
watching  the  weatlier,  he  was  not  a  little  aston- 
ished to  see  his  master  approaching  the  house 
with  drenched  garments,  and  a  look  of  implac- 
able anger.  ''John!  John!"  said  the  good  man, 
"  why  didn't  you  bring  the  umbrella.''"  "  Be- 
cause, sir,"  replied  John,  "it  rained  slanting." 


172  humourist's  own  book. 


Sheridan'' s  Greek. 


Lord  Belgrave  having  clenched  a  speech  in 
the  House  of  Commons  with  a  long  Greek  quo- 
tation, Sheridan,  in  reply,  admitted  the  force  of 
the  quotation  so  far  as  it  went;  "  But,"  said  he, 
**  had  the  noble  lord  proceeded  a  little  farther, 
and  completed  the  passage,  he  would  have  seen 
that  it  applied  the  other  way."  Sheridan  then 
spouted  something,  ore  rotundo,  which  had  all 
the  ais,  ois,  kous  and  Jwes,  that  give  the  world 
assurance  of  a  Greek  quotation  ;  upon  which 
Lord  Belgrave  very  promptly  and  handsomely 
complimented  the  honourable  member  on  his 
readiness  of  recollection,  and  frankly  admitted, 
that  the  continuation  of  the  passage  had  the  ten- 
dency ascribed  to  it  by  Mr  Sheridan,  and  that 
he  had  overlooked  it  at  the  moment  when  he 
gave  his  quotation.  On  the  breaking  up  of  the 
House,  Fox,  who  piqued  himself  on  having  some 
Greek,  went  up  to  Sheridan,  and  asked  him, 
"  Sheridan,  how  came  you  to  be  so  ready  with 
that  passage .''  It  certainly  is  as  you  say,  but  I 
was  not  aware  of  it  before  you  quoted  it."  It 
is  almost  unnecessary  to  observe,  that  there  was 
no  Greek  at  all  in  Sheridan's  impromptu. 

Sheridan  and  Cumberland. 

"When  the  '  School  for  Scandal'  came  out, 
Cumberland's  children  prevailed  upon  their  fa- 
ther to  take  them  to  see  it :  they  had  the  stage- 
box  ;  their  father  was  seated  behind  them ;  and, 
as  the  story  was  told  by  a  gentleman,  a  friend 
of  Sheridan's,  who  was  close  by,  every  time  the 


humourist's  own  book.  173 

children  laughed  at  what  was  going  on  on  the 
stage,  he  pinched  them,  and  said,  "  What  are 
you  laughing  at,  my  dear  little  folks  ?  you  should 
not  laugh,  my  angels  ;  there  is  nothing  to  laugh 
at;"  and  then,  in  an  under  tone,  "  Keep  still, 
you  little  dunces."  Sheridan  having  been  told 
of  this,  long  afterwards,  said,  ''  It  was  very  un- 
grateful in  Cumberland  to  have  been  displeased 
with  liis  poor  children  for  laughing  at  my  Corne- 
ll ij  ;  for  I  went  the  other  night  to  see  his  trage- 
dy, and  laughed  at  it  from  beginning  to  end." 

JVhimsical  Pa?i. 

When  the  Marquis  of  Tullibardin  was  at  Cam- 
bridge, he  was  made  the  subject  of  a  pun,  by  the 
young  waggish  Cantabs,  in  the  following  man- 
ner :  they  took  their  opportunity,  and  locked 
tlie  young  nobleman  up  in  his  apartments,  and 
tlien  calling  to  their  fellows  with  much  clamour, 
shouted,  "  See  Cicero  in  prison  !"  The  Mar- 
quis was  then  expostulating  through  the  open 
window,  and  begging  to  be  released.  "  Cicero 
in  prison  !"  said  the  puzzled  Cantabs,  not  com 
prehending  the  joke.  *'  Yes,"  said  the  jokers, 
"  it  is  Tally  barr'd  i/i." 

Mountain  Anecdote. 

A  party  had  once  climbed  a  considerable  way 
up  the  usual  track  on  the  side  of  Skidda  w,  when 
a  gentleman  (a  stranger  to  the  rest  of  the  com- 
pany), who  had  given  frequent  broad  hints  of 
his  being  a  man  of  superior  knowledge,  said  to 
the  guide,  "  Pray,  what  is  the  highest  part  of 
this  mountain.^"  "The  top,  sir,"  replied  the 
guide. 


174  humourist's  own  book. 


Ti-aveller's  Direction. 

A  friend  who  has  travelled,  relates  the  follow- 
ing as  a  literal  direction  given  to  him  by  an  in- 
habitant of  a  remote  New  England  town,  in 

reply  to  his  inquiry  for  the  direct  road  to 

meeting-house.  "  Well,  ah,  stranger,  you  go 
right  straight  ahead,  till  you  come  to  a  large  oak 
tree,  then  you  take  that  are  tree  07i  your  right 
shoulder,  and  go  on  till  you  come  to  the  brick 
schoolhouse — then  take  the  brick  schoolhouse 
on  your  left  shoulder,  and  keep  straight  on  till 
you  come  to  Squire  Wingate's  ;  and  then  do 
you  take  the  squire's  house  right  on  your  back, 
and  you  can't  miss  the  way." 

Long  Bit. 

"  Your  horse  has  a  tremendous  long  bit,"  said 
a  friend  to  Theodore  Hook.  "  Yes,"  said  he, 
*'  it  is  a  bit  too  long." 


Saddleicise. 

"  Shall  I  cut  this  loin  of  mutton  saddle  wise  ?" 
said  a  gentleman  carving.  "No,"  said  his  friend, 
*'  cut  it  bridlevvise,  for  then  we  may  all  chance 
to  get  a  hit  in  our  mouths." 

JVo  Stranger  of  Me. 

A  parson  who  had  a  scolding  wife,  one  day 
brought  home  a  brother  clergyman  to  dinner. 
Having  gone  into  a  separate  apartment  to  talk 
to  his  spouse  about  the  repast,  she  attacked  and 


humourist's  own  book.  175 

abused  him  for  bringing  a  parcel  of  idle  fellows 
to  eat  up  their  income.  The  parson,  provoked 
at  her  behaviour,  said,  in  a  pretty  loud  tone, 
*'  If  it  were  not  for  the  stranger,  I  would  give 
you  a  good  drubbing."  '•  Oh  !"  cried  the  visi- 
tor, '•  I  beg  you  will  make  no  stranger  of  me." 

Kimrod  and  Ramrod. 

A  gentleman,  who  thought  his  two  sons  con- 
sumed too  much  time  in  hunting  and  shooting, 
gave  them  the  appellation  oi'JS'imrod  and  Ram- 
rod. 


Doctor  Franklin. 

When  Doctor  Franklin  was  in  England,  he 
spent  part  of  a  day  in  a  rural  excursion  with 
Commodore  Johnson  and  others.  In  the  course 
of  the  afternoon,  tlie  company  separated,  and 
tlie  doctor  was  found  in  a  reverie  looking  on  the 
Thames.  Being  asked  what  was  the  object  of 
hiscontemplation,  "I  am  musing  (he  replied)  on 
the  improper  distribution  of  power,  and  lament- 
ing that  the  noble  rivers  of  .America  should  be 
subject  to  the  paltry  stream  I  am  now  behold- 
ing." 

Pressing  Reason. 

A  spunger  was  reproached  one  day,  for  din- 
ing so  often  among  his  friends.  "  What  would 
you  have  me  to  du.^"  answered  he;  "I  am 
/;re55erftodoit."  True,"  answered  Monk  Lewis, 
"  there  is  nothing  mure  pressing  than  hunger." 


176  humourist's  own  book. 


Purgatory. 

The  Count  de  Villa  Medina,  bein^  at  church 
one  day,  and  finding  there  a  Religious  who 
begged  for  the  souls  in  purgatory,  he  gave  him 
a  piece  of  gold.  "Ah  !  my  lord,"  said  the  good 
father,  "  you  have  now  delivered  a  soul."  The 
count  threw  upon  the  plate  another  piece : 
"  Here  is  another  soul  delivered,"  said  the  Re- 
ligious. *' Are  you  positive  of  it.''"  replied  the 
count.  "  Yes,  my  lord,"  replied  the  monk,  "  I 
am  certain  they  are  now  in  heaven."  "  Then," 
said  the  count,  "  I'll  take  back  my  money,  for 
it  signifies  nothing  to  you  now,  seeing  the  souls 
are  already  got  to  heaven  ;  there  can  be  no  dan- 
ger of  their  returning  again  to  purgatory."  And 
he  immediately  gave  the  pieces  to  the  poor  that 
were  standing  by. 

Little  Money. 

Mr  Money,  a  little  dapper  man,  was  dancing 
at  the  York  Assembly  with  a  tall  lady  of  the 
name  of  Bond  ;  on  which  Sterne  said,  "  There 
was  a  great  bond  for  a  little  money." 

Anecdote  of  Sheridan. 

In  the  midst  of  his  distresses,  Sheridan  had 
one  day  invited  a  party  of  friends  to  dine  with 
him,  amongst  whom  were  a  few  noblemen  of 
the  Opposition  party  ;  but,  upon  examining  his 
cellar,  a  terrible  deficiency  was  found.  He  was 
largely  in  debt  to  Chalier,  the  great  wine-mer- 
chant, and  for  two  years  had  \Qe,n  unable  to  ob- 


humoukist's  own  bodk.  177 

tain  from  him  any  farllier  credit.  He  put  his 
imagination  to  work,  and  tried  the  following 
expedient.  He  sent  for  Chalier  on  the  day  of 
the  dinner  in  question,  and  told  him  that  luckily 
he' was  just  in  cash,  and  wished  to  settle  his  ac- 
count. Chalier  was  much  pleased  ;  but  told 
him,  as  he  had  not  the  account  with  him,  he 
\'(^ould  return  home  and  bring  it.  He  was  about 
to  leave  the  room,  when,  as  if  upon  sudden  re- 
collection, Sheridan  said,  "  Oh,  Chalier,  by-the- 
by,  you  must  stay  and  dine  with  me  to-day  ;  I 
have  a  party  to  whom  I  will  introduce  you — 
some  leading  members  of  both  Houses."'  Cha- 
lier, who  was  fond  of  good  company,  and  also 
hoped  to  meet  with  a  recommendation,  was  ob- 
liged to  Sheridan  for  the  offer,  and  promised  to 
be  with  him  at  the  hour  appointed.  Upon  his 
return  home,  he  informed  the  clerk  of  his  cel- 
lars that  he  was  going  to  dine  with  Mr  Sheri- 
dan, and  probably  should  not  be  home  till  it  was 
late.  Sheridan  hq,d  fixed  the  hour  of  six  to 
Chalier,  but  desired  him  to  come  before  that 
time,  as  he  had  much  to  say  to  him  in  private. 
At  about  five  o'clock,  Chalier  came  to  his  ap- 
pointment, and  he  was  no  sooner  in  the  house, 
than  Sheridan  sent  olf  a  servant,  with  a  note  to 
the  clerk,  desiring  him,  as  Mr  Chalier  was  fa- 
vouring him  with  his  company,  to  send,  as  soon 
as  possible,  three  dozen  of  Burgundy,  two  dozen 
of  claret,  and  two  dozen  of  port,  with  a  dozen 
of  old  hock.  The  clerk,  knowing  his  master 
was  at  Sheridan's,  and  thinking  that  the  order 
came  with  his  concurrence,  immediately  obeyed 
it.  After  dinner,  every  body  praised  the  fine 
qualities  of  Sheridan's  wines,  and  all  were  de- 
sirous of  knowing  who  was  his  wine-merchant. 

M 


178  humourist's  own  book. 

Sheridan,  turning  towards  Chalier,  said,  "  I  am 
indebted  to  my  friend  here  for  all  you  have 
tasted,  and  am  proud  to  recommend  him." 

Eccentricity  of  a  Dog. 

Eccentricity  is  said  to  be  the  prerogative  of 
greatness.  If  the  following  relation  is  true,  as 
we  believe  it  is,  it  will  go  far  to  show  that  it  is 
to  be  met  with  among  distinguished  dogs,  as  well 
as  distinguished  men. 

A  gentleman  residing  in  Windham,  New 
York,  has  for  a  number  of  years  been  the  owner 
of  a  dog  of  small  size,  but  great  courage,  of 
which  he  has  given  abundant  evidence  in  the 
deer  hunts  in  which  his  master  was  a  frequent 
participator,  and,  in  more  than  one  instance, 
proved  the  victor  in  single  fight.  A  few  months 
since,  for  some  real  or  imaginary  offence,  he 
took  '  French  leave'  of  his  friends,  to  whom  he 
had  appeared  much  attached,  and  followed  a 
teamster,  who  was  passing  a  distance  of  some 
ten  or  fifteen  miles,  and  took  up  his  quarters  at 
a  public  house,  to  the  inmates  of  which  he  was 
an  entire  stranger.  Here  he  was  v.'ell  treated, 
and  although  frequently  recognized  by  his  old 
acquaintance  who  occasionally  called  there,  he 
seemed  determined  to  '  cut'  them,  one  and  all, 
and  invariably  refused  to  notice  their  attentions 
even  by  a  single  wag  of  his  tail.  After  spend- 
ing some  weeks  in  this  manner,  he  bade  adieu 
to  his  friends  and  started  homeward  in  a  leisure- 
ly way,  making  occasional  calls  at  different  pub- 
lic houses  on  the  road,  the  lengtli  of  which 
seemed  to  depend  altogether  on  his  estimate  of 
the  occupants.  At  last,  he  arrived  in  the  neigh- 


hu3Iourist's  own  book.  179 

bourhood  of  home  ;  but  instead  of  going  at  once 
to  his  master's,  as  a  sensible  dog  would  have 
done,  he  called  at  the  house  of  a  neighbour, 
where  he  passed  some  days  in  an  idle  way.  oc- 
casionally paying  visits  to  his  old  acquaintance 
in  the  vicinity,  and  sometimes  even  passing  his 
master's  door,  which  he  invariably  refused  to 
enter — turning  a  deaf  ear  to  the  solicitations  of 
himself  and  family,  who  at  last  gave  over  all 
hopes  of  reconciliation — when  to  their  surprise, 
he  rushed  into  his  master's  house,  and  was  ac- 
tually riotous  in  his  manifestations  of  joy  at 
meeting  the  inmates,  where  he  has  since  re- 
mained perfectly  contented,  to  the  satisfaction 
of  all  parties. 

Bow  Street  Bon-Mot. 

A  lady  went  into  the  Police  Office,  Bow  Street, 
and  inquired  the  price  of  some  fur  and  si!k  arti- 
cles. Townsendquizzingly  replied,  "Oh,  ma'am, 
we're  all  fair  and  above  board — we've  no  cloaks 
here."  To  which  the  lady  rejoined,  "  Sir,  I  beg 
pardon  ;  I  really  thought  that  this  was  the  cele- 
brated pe/i5se  ojjice.'^ 


Breaking  tip  of  a  JVursery. 

The  organ  of  early  destructiveness  sometimes 
exhibits  itself  in  a  droll  way.  The  mother  of  a 
fam.ily  was  one  day  saying,  that  as  soon  as  the 
youngest  child  was  of  such  an  age,  she  should 
break  up  the  nursery.  "La,  mamma!"  said 
one  of  the  children,  "  that  will  be  fine  sport — 
I'll  break  up  the  chairs,  and  John  shall  break 
up  the  tables." 


180  humourist's  own  book. 


IVit  of  a  Resurrectionist. 

A  large  party  of  soldiers  surprising  two  re- 
surrection men  in  a  churchyard,  the  officer,  seiz- 
ing one  of  them,  asked  him  what  he  had  to  say 
for  himself: — "  Say,  sir!"  replied  the  surgeon's 
provider,  "  why,  that  we  came  here  to  raise  a 
corpse,  and  not  a  regiment." 

^  Yorkshire  Eating  Match. 

There  was  a  famous  eating  match  at  a  village 
in  Yorkshire,  between  two  men,  named  Gub- 
bins  and  Muggins,  which  caused  a  great  deal  of 
interest  in  the  neighbourhood  ;  and  a  country- 
man, leaving  the  place  before  the  match  was 
decided,  was  stopped  by  almost  every  one  on 
the  road  with  "  Who  beats  ?  how  does  the  match 
get  on  ?"  &c.  :  to  which  he  answered,  '■  Why, 
I  doant  exactly  know — they  say  Gubbins  '11  get 
it;  but  I  thinks  Muggins  '11  bet  'un  yet,  for 
when  I  leafl  he  was  oanly  two  geese  and  a  tor- 
key  behind  him  !" 

Mistake  of  the  Press. 

An  important  house  in  New  York  had  occa- 
sion to  advertise  for  sale  a  quantity  of  Brass 
Hoppers,  such  as  are  used  in  coffee-mills.  But 
instead  of  Brass  Hoppers,  the  newspaper  read 
Grasshopj)crs.  In  a  short  time  the  merchant's 
counting-room  was  thronged  with  inquirers 
respecting  the  new  article  of  merchandise. 

*'  Good  morning,  Mr  Invoice ;  how  do  you 
sell  grasshoppers.'*"  said  a  fat  merchant.  ''What 
are  they  worth  a  hogshead  ?" 


humourist's  own  book.  '  181 

The  importer  was  astonished;  but  before  he 
had  time  to  reply,  in  came  a  druggist,  who  be- 
ing bent  on  speculation,  determined  to  purchase 
a  whole  lot,  provided  he  could  get  them  low. 
Taking  the  importer  aside  for  fear  of  being 
overheard  by  the  merchant,  he  asked  him  how 
he  sold  grasshoppers  ;  if  they  were  prime  quali- 
ty ;  and  whether  they  were  to  be  used  in  medi- 
cine. The  importer  was  about  opening  his 
mouth  to  reply  in  an  angry  manner  to  what  he 
began  to  suspect  was  a  conspiracy  to  torment 
him,  when  a  doctor  entered,  smelling  at  his 
cane  and  looking  wondrous  wise. 

"  Mr  Invoice,"  said  he,  "  ahem  !  will  you  be 
good  enough  to  show  me  a  specimen  of  your 
grasshoppers  ?" 

"Grasshoppers!  grasshoppers!"  exclaimed 
the  importer,  as  soon  as  he  had  a  chance  to 
speak — "  what  gentlemen,  do  you  mean  by 
grasshoppers  V 

'•  Mean!"  said  thcsmerchant :  *'  why,  I  per- 
ceive you  have  advertised  the  article  for  sale." 

"Certainly,"  said  the  druggist,  "  and  when 
a  man  advertises  an  article,  it  is  natural  for  him 
to  expect  inquiries  relating  to  the  price  and 
quality  of  the  thing." 

"  Nothing  in  the  world  more  natural,"  said 
the  doctor.  "  As  for  myself,  I  have  at  present 
a  number  of  cases  on  hand  in  which  I  thought 
the  article  might  be  serviceable — but  since  you 
are  so — ahem  !  so  uncivil — why  I  must  look  out 
elsewhere,  and  my  patients" — 

"  You  and  yonv patience  he  hanged!"  inter- 
rupted the  importer  ;  "  mine  is  fairly  worn  out, 
and  if  you  don't  explain  yourselves,  gentlemen, 
I'll  lay  this  poker  over  your  heads." 


182  hujiourist's  own  book. 

To  save  their  heads,  the  advertisement  was 
now  referred  to,  when  the  importer  found  out 
the  cause  of  his  vexations  by  reading  the  follow- 
ing :  ''Just  landed  and  for  sale  by  Invoice  & 
Co.,  ten  hogsheads  prime  grasshoppers.'^ 

All  Gone  Out. 

A  gentleman  having  appointed  to  meet  his 
friend  on  particular  business,  went  to  his  house 
and  knocked  at  the  door,  which  was  opened  by 
a  servant  girl.  He  informed  her  he  wanted  her 
master.  "  He  is  gone  out,  sir,"  said  she.  "  Then 
your  mistress  will  do,"  said  the  gentleman. 
*'  She,"  said  the  girl,  "  is  gone  out  too."  "  My 
business  is  of  consequence,"  returned  he  ;  "  is 
your  master's  son  at  home  ?"  "  No,  sir,"  re- 
plied the  girl,  "  he  is  gone  out."  "  That's  un- 
lucky indeed,"  replied  he  ;  "  but  perhaps  it  may 
not  be  long  before  they  return ;  I  will  step  in 
and  sit  by  your  fire."  "  Oh,  sir,"  said  the  girl, 
"the  fire  is  gone  out  too."  Upon  which  the 
gentleman  bade  her  inform  her  master,  that  he 
did  not  expect  to  be  received  so  coolly. 

Matriviony. 

Bishop  Andrews,  the  favourite  preacher  of 
King  James  the  First,  in  his  sermon  on  matri- 
mony, says  that  ten  women  are  driven  to  the 
altar  for  one  that  is  led  to  it. 


Difference  heiioeen  Whigs  and  Tories. 

"  Pray,  Monsieur  I'Ambassadeur,"  said  the 
late  King  of  France  one  day  at  his  levee,  "  what 


HUJIOUKISl's.OWN   BOOK.  183 

do  you  take  to  be  the  difference  between  a  Whig 
and  a  Tory  ?"  '*  Please  3'our  majesty,"  was  the 
reply,  ■■  I  conceive  the  difference  to  be  merely 
nominal ;  tlie  Tories  are  Whiffs  when  they  want 
places,  and  the  Whigs  are  Tories  when  they 
have  got  them." 

The  Pretender's  Health, 

There  was  not  much  wit,  but  there  was  some 
good  humour  in  the  reply  George  II.  made  to  a 
lady,  who,  at  the  first  masquerade  his  majesty 
was  at  in  England,  invited  him  to  drink  a  glass 
of  wine  at  one  of  the  heavfetes :  With  this  he 
readilt  complied,  and  the  iady  filling  a  bumper, 
said,  ■'  Here,  mask,  the  Pretender's  health  ;" 
then  filling  another  glass,  presented  it  to  the 
king,  who,  receiving  it  with  a  smile,  replied, 
'*  I  drink  with  all  my  heart  to  the  health  of  all 
unfortunate  princes." 

Washington. 

The  following  incident  is  certainly  important, 
and  there  are  doubtless  others,  showing  a  sense 
of  the  love  and  fear  of  God  in  the  hearts  of  the 
fathers  of  our  country,  and  also  those  exhibiting 
a  special  Providence  in  directing  the  events  of 
the  revolution,  which  have  not  appeared  in  any 
history. 

The  surprise  and  capture  of  the  Hessian 
troops  at  Trenton,  is  a  well  remembered  event 
in  our  revolutionary  history.  It  occurred  at  the 
darkest  period  of  the  struggle,  and  it  was  in  the 
hour  when  the  hopes  of  the  most  sanguine  had 


184  humourist's  own  book. 

almost  failed ,  that  God  so  singularly  interposed 
to  save  our  land. 

On  that  eventful  morning,  Colonel  Biddle,  of 
Philadelphia,  rode  by  the  side  of  Washington, 
and  it  was  from  his  oft  repeated  relation  of  the 
circumstances  of  that  contest  that  we  have  de- 
rived our  knowledge  of  the  following  interest- 
ing fact : 

The  American  troops  crossed  the  Delaware 
about  nine  miles  above  Trenton,  and  marched 
in  two  divisions  upon  the  town.  This  unex- 
pected approach  and  vigorous  attack  of  foes 
supposed  to  be  dispirited  and  defeated,  was 
completely  successful ;  and  although  the  float- 
ing ice  in  the  river  had  delayed  the  crossing, 
and  it  was  eight  o'clock  when  Washington  en- 
tered the  village,  the  victory  was  gained  with 
an  ease  altogether  unexpected.  In  a  few  min- 
utes all  the  outguards  were  driven  in,  and  the 
American  forces  having  surrounded  the  town, 
resistance  became  fruitless,  and  the  enemy  sur- 
rendered. When  this  event  was  communicated 
to  Washington,  he  w^as  pressing  forward,  and 
animating  his  troops  by  his  voice  and  example. 
Instantly  checking  his  horse,  and  throwing  the 
reins  upon  his  neck,  the  venerable  man  raised 
his  hands  and  eyes  to  heaven,  and  thus  silently 
and  emphatically  acknowledged  whence  the  vic- 
tory had  come,  and  what  aid  he  had  implored  to 
guard  his  beloved  country  in  the  perilous  con- 
flict. It  was  not  until  the  lapse  of  about  a 
minute  that  he  paused  from  his  devout  thank- 
fulness, and  ordered  the  troops  to  stand  to  their 
arms. 


humourist's  own  book.  185 


^"0  Pay  JVo  Pray. 

When  Jonas  Hanway  once  advertised  for  a 
coachman,  he  had  a  great  number  of  applicants. 
One  of  them  he  approved  of,  and  told  him,  if 
his  character  answered,  he  would  take  him  on 
the  terms  which  they  had  agreed  upon ;  "  But," 
said  he,  "  my  good  fellow,  as  I  am  rather  a  par- 
ticular man,  it  may  be  proper  to  inform  you, 
that  every  evening,  after  the  business  in  the 
stable  is  done,  I  shall  expect  you  to  come  to  my 
house  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour  to  attend  family 
prayer  ;  to  this,  I  suppose,  you  can  have  no  ob- 
jection?" *'  Why,  as  to  that,  sir,"  replied  the 
fellow,  ''  I  does  not  see  much  to  say  against  it, 
but  I  hope  you'll  consider  it  in  my  wages." 

More  than  I  can  Sioalloio. 

An  illustrious  person  told  Mr  D ,of  C , 

that  he  had  drunk  two  bottles  of  champagne  and 

six  of  port.     ''  That,"  said  Mr  D , "  is  more 

than  I  can  small oic  ;"  and  if  the  wit  was  relish- 
ed, it  was  never  forgiven. 

Giving  up  the  Ghost. 

A  player  performing  the  Ghost  in  Hamlet 
very  badly,  was  hissed  ;  after  bearing  it  a  good 
while,  he  put  the  audience  in  good  humour  by 
stepping  forward,  and  saying,  "  Ladies  and  gen- 
tlemen, I  am  extremely  sorry  that  my  hum- 
ble endeavours  to  please  are  unsuccessful ;  but 
if  you  arc  not  satisfied,  I  must  give  up  the 
Ghost." 


186  humourist's  ow.n  book. 


JYo  Voice  in  the  Citij. 

A  gentleman  passing  the  evening  among 
some  friends  in  the  city,  was  requested,  in  his 
turn,  to  favour  the  company  with  a  song;  he 
pohtely  decUned  it,  alleging  that  he  was  so  in- 
different a  performer,  that  any  attempt  of  his 
would  rather  disgust  than  entertain.  One  of 
the  company,  however,  asserted  that  he  had  a 
very  good  voice  ;  and  said,  he  had  frequently 
had  the  pleasure  of  hearing  him  sing.  "That 
may  be,"  resumed  the  other,  "  but  as  I  am  not 
a  freeman,  I  have  no  voice  in  the  city." 

^  Double  Entendre. 

The  keeper  of  a  paltry  Scotch  alehouse  hav- 
ing on  his  sign,  after  his  name,  the  letters  M. 
D.  F.  R.  S.,  a  physician,  who  was  a  fellow  of 
the  Royal  Society,  asked  him  how  he  presumed 
to  affix  these  letters  to  his  name.  "  Why,  sir, 
said  the  publican,  I  have  as  good  a  right  to  them 
as  you  have."  "  What  do  you  mean,  you  im- 
pudent scoundrel.^"  replied  the  doctor.  "I 
mean,  sir,  returned  the  other,  that  I  was  Drum- 
Major  of  the  Royal  Scots  Fusileers." 

Such  Sjyarks  as  You. 

As  Lady  B L was  presiding  one  eve- 
ning at  the  tea-table,  one  of  her  ruffles  caught 
the  flame  of  the  tea- lamp,  and  was  burned  be- 
fore it  could  be  extinguished.  Lord  M ,  who 

was  of  the  party,  and  thought  to  be  witty  on  the 
accident,  remarked, "  He  did  not  think  her  lady- 


hltmourist's  own  book.  187 

ship  so  apt  to  take  fire.''  "  Nor  am  I,  my  lord," 
replied  she  with  great  readiness,  "  from  such 
sparks  as  you." 

Actor  of  One  Part. 

A  little  after  Lord  Chatham  (then  Mr  Pitt) 
had  changed  his  political  sentiments  in  regard  to 
the  protection  of  Uaftover,  in  the  course  of  re- 
plying one  day  in  the  House  of  Commons  to 
Sir  Francis  Blake  Delaval,  he  threw  out  some 
sarcastical  reflections  on  him  for  appearing  on 
the  stage  ;  upon  which  the  other  got  up  and  ac- 
knowledged it  was  true  :  youth  and  whim  led 
him  once  to  amuse  himself  that  way  ;  but  he 
could  safely  lay  his  hand  on  his  heart  and  say, 
"  He  never  acted  but  one  part." 

Sheridan  and  the  Play  Writer. 

During  Sheridan's  management  of  Drury 
Lane,  an  author  had  produced  a  play  which  he 
offered  to  Covent  Garden,  saying,  that  it  would 
make  Drury  Lane  a  splendid  desert.  His  play 
failed  ;  but  soon  after,  he  prevailed  on  a  friend 
to  present  a  new  one  to  Sheridan.  "  No  !  no  !" 
exclaimed  the  latter,  "  I  can't  agree  to  connive 
at  putting  his  former  threat  into  effect." 

The  Esquimaux  Woman. 

Major  Cartwright  used  to  relate  many  curi- 
ous particulars  of  this  woman  :  among  others, 
that  on  being  shown  the  interior  of  St  Paul's, 
she  was  so  struck  with  astonishment  and  awe, 
that  her  knees  shook  under  her,  and  she  leaned 


188  humourist's  own  book. 

for  support  on  the  person  who  stood  next  to  her. 
After  a  pause  of  some  moments,  she  exclaimed, 
in  a  low  and  tremulous  voice,  "  Did  man  make 
it,  or  was  it  found  here  ?" 

Benefit  of  the  Springs. 

A  lady  brought  a  child  to  a  physician  in  Utica, 
to  consult  him  about  its  precious  health.  Among 
other  things  she  inquired  if  he  did  not  think  the 
Springs  would  be  useful  ? 

''  Certainly,  madam,"  replied  the  doctor,  as  he 
eyed  the  child,  and  then  took  a  large  pinch  of 
snuff.  "  I  haven't  the  least  hesitation  in  recom- 
mending the  springs — and  the  sooner  you  apply 
the  remedy,  the  better.'" 

"  You  really  think  it  would  be  good  for  the 
dear  little  thing,  don't  you.'" 

"  Upon  my  word  it's  the  best  remedy  I  know 
of" 

"  What  Springs  would  you  recommend,  Doc- 
tor.?" 

"  Any  will  do,  madam,  where  you  can  get 
plenty  of  soap  and  tcater.'" 

Etymologists. 

Dr  Parr  being  asked,  who  was  his  immediate 
predecessor  in  the  mastership  of  the  free  school 
at  Norwich  ?  replied,  "  It  was  Barnabas  Leman, 
an  honest  man,  but  without  learning,  and  very 
tyrannical  in  his  discipline.  This  man  had  the 
impudence  to  publish,  by  a  half-guinea  subscrip- 
tion, what  he  called  an  '  English  Derivative 
Dictionary,'  in  quarto.  Pie  pretended  to  find  a 
derivation  for  evary  word  in  Saxon,  German, 


humourist's  own  book.  189 

Dutch,  Latin,  Greek  and  Hebrew.  Ko  matter 
what  the  word  was,  whether  cuhnary  or  verna- 
cular, he  undertook  to  find  its  etymology.  Com- 
ing to  '  pig's  pettytoes'  (a  Norfolk  way  of  dress- 
ing the  feet  of  sucking  pigs),  he  was  a  little 
puzzled,  but  it  did  not  stop  him  ;  so  he  wrote, 
as  it  now  stands  in  the  book,  '  Pig's  pettytoes — 
a  dish  of  which  the  author  of  this  Dictionary  is 
extremely  fond.'  " 

There  lately  resided  in  an  Ayrshire  village,  a 
man  who,  like  Leman,  proposed  to  write  an 
Etymological  Dictionary  of  the  English  lan- 
guage. Being  asked  what  he  understood  the 
word  pathologij  to  mean,  he  answered,  with 
great  readiness  and  confidence,  "  Why,  the  art 


A  Simple  Machine  out  of  Order. 

A' gentleman,  remarkable  for  having  a  great 
deal  of  lead  in  his  forehead,  called  one  morning 
on  a  counsellor,  who  asked  whatnews?  "  Why," 
says  the  other,  '•  I  do  not  know  ;  my  head  is 
confoundedly  out  of  order  this  morning."  "  That 
is  extraordinary  news,  indeed,"  says  the  coun- 
sellor. "  What !  an  extraordinary  thing  for  a 
man  to  have  the  headach  !"  "  No,  sir,"  says 
he,  *'  I  do  not  say  that ;  but  for  so  simple  a  ma- 
chine to  be  out  of  order  is  extraordinary  indeed  !" 

Toasting  Cloth. 

A  child  having  got  a  flannel  cloth  to  dry, 
while  his  mother  was  busied  otherwise,  held  it 
so  close  to  the  fire  that  it  soon  began  to  change 


190  humourist's  own  book. 

colour.     "  Mamma,"  he  cried,  "  is  it  enough 
when  it  looks  brown  ?" 


Ml-  Mcrnetky. 

A  lady  very  much  afflicted  with  nervous  com- 
plaints, went  to  consult  the  celebrated  surgeon, 
Mr  Abernethy.  The  rough  and  caustic  manner 
in  which  he  catechised  her,  so  discomposed  the 
fair  one's  weak  spirits,  that  she  was  thrown  into 
a  fit  of  hysterics.  On  parting,  she  put  the  usual 
fee  into  his  hand,  in  the  form  of  a  one  pound 
note  and  a  shilhng.  Mr  Abernethy  pocketed 
the  note  with  one  hand,  and  with  the  other  pre- 
sented the  shilhng  to  her,  saying,  gravely, 
"Here,  madam,  take  the  shilling;  go  to  the 
next  toy-shop,  buy  a  skipping-rope,  and  use  it 
every  day  ;  it  will  do  you  more  good  than  all 
ray  prescriptions  !" 

Bread. 

An  itinerant  preacher,  who  was  not  very  re- 
markable for  his  energy  of  style  or  brilHancy 
of  thought,  was  once  hammering  out  the  gospel 
to  a  slumbering  audience  in  Freetown,  when  he 
stopped  short  in  his  discourse,  and  with  renew- 
ed vigour  exclaimed — "  My  friends,  what  do 
you  suppose  my  little  grandson  cdAXs  bread?'' 
This  unexpected  query  awakened  the  congre- 
gation, who  commenced  guessing.  After  some 
ten  or  twelve  had  guessed  wrong,  a  great  gawk 
drawled  out, ''  Now,  Mr  Minister,  you  are  to  tell 
us  what  he  calls  it."  '•  Why,"  replied  the  rev- 
erend gentleman,  "he  calls  it  bread."  After 
this  there  was  no  more  slumbering. 


humourist's  own  book.  191 


Inestimable  Value  of  a  Tail. 

A  monkey-faced  fellow  offered  himself  to 
Garrick  as  an  actor.  *'  It  will  not  do,"  says 
Garrick  ;  "  but  if  you  had  a  tail,  no  money 
should  part  us," 

Typographical  Wit. 

One  meeting  an  acquaintance,  who  was  a 
printer  by  profession,  inquired  of  him,  "  If  it 
was  true  Mr had  put  a  period  to  his  ex- 
istence ?"  "  No,  no,"  replied  the  typographer, 
"  he  had  only  put  a  colon  :  for  he  is  now  in  a  fair 
way  of  recovery." 

Stock- Johleis. 

A  carpenter  in  Dorsetshire  was  emploj'ed  to 
make  a  pair  of  stocks  for  the  parish,  for  which 
he  charged  a  good  round  sum.  One  of  the  pa- 
rochial officers  said,  "  You  have  made  a  good 
deal  by  that  job."  "  Yes,"  said  Master  Chip, 
"  we  stock-jobbers  always  attend  to  our  own  in- 
terest." 


Courage. 

A  man,  in  the  habit  of  travelling,  complain- 
ing to  his  friend,  that  he  had  often  been  robbed, 
and  was  afraid  of  stirring  abroad,  was  advised 
to  carry  pistols  with  him  on  his  journey.  "  Ohi 
that  would  be  worse,"  replied  the  hero,  "  the 
thieves  would  rob  me  of  them  also." 


192  HUiMOURIST's  OWiN   BOOK. 


Jl  Slip  of  the  Tongue. 

A  young  fellow  named  Crolius,  who  was 
charged  with  having  stolen  a  pair  of  shoes,  was 
arraigned  at  the  Special  Sessions.  The  prisoner, 
after  his  arrest,  pretended  that  he  was  a  foreign- 
er, and  affected  an  entire  ignorance  of  the  En- 
glish language.  On  his  trial  the  charge  was 
not  sufficiently  proved,  the  court  therefore  re- 
solved to  acquit  him ;  previous  to  his  charge, 
however,  the  Recorder  wishing  to  give  him  the 
laconic  exhortation  to  morality,  called  him,  to 
ask  whether  he  did  not  understand  any  English  ? 
The  acquitted  prisoner  turned  around,  and  mak- 
ing a  very  low  bow  to  the  court,  threw  the  au- 
ditors into  a  roar  of  laughter  by  replying  very 
calmly,  "  Not  a  word,  your  honour."  "  Well," 
said  his  honour,  as  soon  as  he  had  resumed  his 
gravity  by  adjusting  his  spectacles,  "  if  you  are 
discharged,  will  you  take  care  and  behave  better 
in  future  ?"  "  I  will,"  said  the  other,  as  he  turn- 
ed out  of  court,  "  you  will  never  find  me  here 
again  speaking  to  your  honour." 

Game. 

Lee  Lewis,  shooting  on  a  field,  the  proprietor 
attacked  him  violently  :  "  I  allow  no  person," 
said  he,  "  to  kill  game  on  my  manor  but  my- 
self, and  I'll  shoot  you,  if  you  come  here  again." 
"  What,"  said  the  other,  '^  I  suppose  you  mean 
to  make  game  of  me." 


humourist's  own  book.  193 


Short  days  and  long  nights. 

Bonnel  Thornton,  like  most  wits,  was  a  lover 
of  conviviality;  which  frequently  led  him  to 
spend  the  whole  night  in  company,  and  all  the 
next  mornino;  in  bed.  On  one  of  these  occa- 
sions, an  old  female  relation  having  waited  on 
him  before  he  had  arisen,  began  to  read  him  a 
familiar  lecture  on  prudence ;  which  she  con- 
cluded by  saying,  '•  Ah  !  Bonnel,  Bonnel !  I  see 
plainly  that  you'll  shorten  your  days.''  "  Very 
true,  madam,"  replied  he,  '•  but,  by  the  same 
rule,  you  must  admit  that  I  shall  lengthen  my 
nights." 

Excellency  and  Highness. 

"  Once,"  said  a  person,  in  a  dispute  concern- 
ing titles,  "  I  had  the  honour  to  be  in  company 
with  an  Excellency  and  a  Highness.  His  Ex- 
cellency was  the  most  ignorant  and  brutal  man 
I  ever  saw ;  and  his  Highness  measured  just 
four  feet  eight  inches." 

Best  Body  of  Divinity. 

Parker,  Bishop  of  Oxford,  being  asked  by  an 
acquaintance  what  was  the  best  body  of  divinity, 
answered,  "  That  which  can  help  a  man  to  keep 
a  coach  and  six  horses." 


Dr  Parr. 

Dr  Parr  was  not  very  delicate  in  the  choice 
of  his  expressions,  when  heated  by  argument 

N 


194  HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK. 

or  contradiction.  He  once  called  a  clergyman 
a  fool,  who,  indeed,  was  little  better.  The 
clergyman  said,  he  would  complain  of  this 
usage  to  the  bishop.  '^  Do,"  said  the  doctor, 
*'  and  my  Lord  Bishop  will  confirm  you." 

Justice. 

A  French  nobleman,  who  had  been  satirized 
by  Voltaire,  meeting  the  poet  soon  after,  gave 
him  a  hearty  drubbing.  The  poet  immediately 
flew  to  the  Duke  of  Orleans,  told  him  how  he 
had  been  used,  and  begged  he  would  do  him 
justice.  "  Sir,"  replied  the  duke,  with  a  signi- 
ficant smile,  "  it  has  been  done  you  already." 

A  New  Character. 

A  late  Duke  of  Norfolk  was  much  addicted 
to  the  bottle.  On  a  masquerade  night,  he  asked 
Foote  what  new  character  he  should  go  in. 
"  Go  sober!"  said  Foote. 


The  Tragic  Barber. 

A  hair-dresser,  in  a  considerable  town,  made 
an  unsuccessful  attempt  in  tragedy.  To  silence 
an  abundant  hissing,  he  stepped  forward,  and 
delivered  the  following  speech :  "  Ladies  and 
gentlemen  :  yesterday  I  dressed  you  ;  to-night 
I  ADdress  you ;  and  to-morrow,  if  you  please,  I 
will  undress  you.  While  there  is  virtue  in 
powder,  pomatum,  and  horse-tails,  I  find  it 
easier  to  make  an  actor  than  to  be  one.  Vive 
la  bagatelle!  I  hope  I  shall  yet  shine  in  the 
capital  part  of  a  beau,  though  I  have  not  the 


humourist's  own  book.  195 

felicity  of  pleasing  you  in  the  character  of  an 
emperor." 

John  Taylor. 

This  author  had  the  merit  of  interrupting  the 
servile  etiquette  of  kneeling  to  the  king.  "  I 
myself,"  says  the  water  poet,  "  gave  a  book  to 
King  James  once,  in  the  great  chamber  at 
Whitehall,  as  his  majesty  came  from  the  chapel. 
The  Duke  of  Richmond  said  merrily  to  me  : — 
'  Taylor,  where  did  you  learn  the  manners  to 
give  the  king  a  book  and  not  kneel?'  'My 
lord,'  said  I,  '  if  it  please  your  grace,  I  do  give 
now ;  but  when  I  beg  any  thing,  then  I  will 
kneel.' " 

Hoio  to  Catch  an  Owl. 

A  western  paper  mentions  the  following  as 
an  easy  method  of  taking  owls.  When  you  dis- 
cover one  on  a  tree,  and  find  that  it  is  looking 
at  you,  all  you  have  to  do  is  to  move  quickly 
round  the  tree  several  times,  when  the  owl  in 
the  mean  time,  whose  attention  will  be  firmly 
fixed,  forgetting  the  necessity  of  turning  its 
body  with  its  head,  will  follow  your  motions 
with  its  eyes,  till  it  wrings  its  head  off. 

The  same  paper  proposes  a  method  of  taking 
rabbits,  equally  easy  and  effectual.  "  Place 
(says  the  writer)  apples  in  the  parts  where  they 
frequent  after  sprinkling  them  with  snuff,  and 
when  they  come  to  smell,  the  sudden  effort  to 
sneeze  which  they  make  never  fails  to  break 
their  necks,  and  even  in  some  cases,  has  been 


196  humourist's  own  book. 

known  to  throw  their  heads  a  foot  beyond  their 
tails." 

Saving  One's  Bacon. 

A  hoy,  who  had  not  returned  after  the  holi- 
days to  Winchester  school,  which  the  master 
charged  him  to  do,  came  back  at  last  loaded 
with  a  fine  ham,  as  a  bribe  to  the  master,  who 
took  the  ham,  but  flogged  the  lad,  and  told  him, 
"  You  may  give  my  compliments  to  your  mo- 
ther for  the  ham,  but  I  assure  you  it  shall  not 
save  your  bacon." 

Building  Castles  in  the  Air. 

During  the  civil  war,  some  persons  of  the 
royal  party  having  mixed  with  the  republicans 
in  company,  were  talking  of  their  future  hopes. 
"  'Tife  all  building  castles  in  the  air,"  observed 
a  surly  republican.  "  Where  can  we  build 
them  else?"  replied  a  cavalier;  "you  have 
robbed  us  of  every  inch  of  land." 

Politeness. 

An  officer  in  battle  happening  to  bow,  a  can- 
non-ball passed  over  his  head,  and  took  off  the 
head  of  a  soldier  who  stood  behind  him.  *'  You 
see,"  said  he,  "  that  a  man  never  loses  by  po- 
liteness." 


The  Loft  Handed  Lady. 

An  old  lady  proverbial  for  her  pride  of  Chris- 
tianity, one  afternoon  discovered  while  in  the 


humourist's  own  book.  197 

midst  of  her  work,  the  reverend  shepherd  of 
the  flock  of  which  she  was  a  member,  within 
a  few  paces  of  the  house,  and  making  straight 
to  the  door.  Wishing  to  be  thought  well  era- 
ployed,  she  threw  her  spinning-wheel  aside, 
and  seizing  her  spectacles  and  bible,  though 
she  could  not  read  a  word,  was  engaged  so 
deeply  at  the  time  the  good  man  entered  as  not 
to  observe  him  until  he  gently  tapped  her  on  the 
shoulder,  "  La  !  madam,  do  you  read  with  your 
bible  upside  down  ?"  "  Oh  dear,  is  it,  Mr  B.  ?" 
said  she,  "  yes,  I  always  read  so  ;  I'm  left  hand- 
ed." 


Funeral  Service. 

A  ludicrous  mistake  happened  at  a  funeral  in 
Mary-le-bone,  The  clergyman  had  gone  on 
with  the  service,  until  he  came  to  that  part, 
which  says,  "  Our  deceased  brother,  or  sister," 
without  knowing  whether  the  deceased  was 
male  or  female.  He  turned  to  one  of  the 
mourners,  and  asked,  whether  it  was  a  brother 
or  sister  ?  The  man  very  innocently  replied, 
*'  No  relation  at  all,  sir ;  only  an  acquaintance." 

Judge  Burnet. 

Judge  Burnet,  son  of  the  famous  Bishop  of 
Salisbury,  when  young,  is  said  to  have  been  of 
a  wild  and  dissipated  turn.  Being  one  day 
found  by  his  father  in  a  very  serious  humour, 
"  What  is  the  matter  with  you,  Tom,"  said^the 
bishop  ;  "  what  are  you  ruminating  on  ?"  "A 
greater  work  than  your  lordship's  History  of 
the   Reformation,"  answered  the  son.    "  Ay  ! 


198  humourist's  own  book. 

what  is  that?"  asked  the  father.     "The  refor- 
mation  of  myself  ,  my  lord,"  replied  the  son. 

Street  Sweeper. 

A  gentleman,  crossing  the  Strand,  was  ap- 
plied to  by  a  man,  who  sweeps  the  cross- ways, 
for  charity.  The  gentleman  replied,  "  I  am 
going  a  little  farther,  and  will  remember  you 
when  I  return."  "  Please  your  honour,"  says 
the  man,  "it  is  unknown  the  credit  I  give  in 
this  way." 

~   Jl  Standing  Joke. 

Munden,  when  confined  to  his  bed,  and  un- 
able to  put  his  feet  to  the  ground,  being  told  by 
a  friend  that  his  dignified  indisposition  was  the 
laugh  of  the  green  room,  pleasantly  replied, 
"  Though  I  love  to  make  others  laugh,  yet  I 
wish  much  rather  they  would  make  me  a  stand- 
ing joke." 

.Anecdote. 

Not  along  ago  two  young  sparks  (linen  dra- 
pers as  was  supposed) ,  from  a  great  city  of  the 
East,  took  up  their  residence  at  an  Inn  in  the 
West  Highlands  (the  landlord  of  which  has 
been  so  graphically  described  by  a  contempora- 
ry as  'the  rattling, roaring, ready-witted,  warm- 
hearted, big-fisted  Highlandman,  that  keeps 
what  he  himself  calls  the  Travelling  Empori- 
um'). The  youths  in  question  soon  began  to 
*  smoke'  Dugald  the  waiter  (along  with  their 
segars),  as  the  best  method  of  showing  their  im- 


HUMOURIS-rS  OWN  BOOK.  199 

portance  ;  and  to  such  an  extent  did  they  harass 
the  poor  fellow,  that,  finding  it  impossible  to 
please  them,  either  with  their  victuals  or  his 
most  assiduous  services,  he  was  constrained  to 
inform  his  master,  tiiat,  rather  than  go  near 
them  any  more,  he  would  be  forced  to  leave  the 
Emporium.  Rory,  on  hearing  the  complaint, 
v.'as  not  long  in  determining  on  a  way  to  punish 
'  the  saucy  scoondrels.'  He  therefore  took  the 
young  gentlemen  under  his  own  especial  charge, 
and  soon  discovered  that  Dugald  had  not  been 
complaining  unnecessarily  ;  but  to  favour  his 
design  they  were  served  most  obsequiously,  and 
allowed  to  rail  on.  When  the  gentlemen  were 
about  to  depart,  the  bill  was  demanded,  but  Ro- 
ry charged  every  thing  so  extravagantly,  that 
even  the  waiter,  to  whom  it  was  shown,  uttered 
an  exclamation,  in  Gaelic,  indicative  of  aston- 
ishment at  its  exorbitance.  Nothing  daunted, 
however,  the  account  was  presented,  when, 
'foaming  with  rage  and  fury,'  the  indignant 
strangers  vociferated,  ''  Pray,  Mr  Boniface,  is 
this  your  usual  rate  of  charging.?"  "  Oh,  not 
at  ail,  not  at  all,  gentlemen,"  calmly  replied 
Rory.  "And  why  not,  fellow  .''"  "Because, 
gentlemen,  it  is  not  ordinary  people  we  make 
our  living  by — and  however  much  you  may 
conceal  your  names,  I  know  by  your  inanncr 
that  you  are  noblemen."  "  Noblemen  !"  ex- 
claimed the  gentlemen,  with  great  self-compla- 
cency. "  Yes,  noblemen,"  cried  Rory,  seeing 
the  pill  was  going  down.  "  Did  I  not  find  it 
out  at  once  ?  You're  noblemen  in  disguise — you 
need  never  deny  it  to  me,  my  Lords,"  and  bow- 
ing himself  out  of  the  apartment,  almost  suffo- 
cated with  laughter,  he  retired  to  enjoy  the  joke 


300  humourist's  3wn  book. 

with  his  household.  In  a  minute  after  the  bill 
was  settled  in  full,  and  Dugald,  the  waiter,  re- 
ceived seven  shillings  and  sixpence  for  his  trou- 
ble. 


Sharp  Repartee. 

A  countryman  sowing  his  ground,  two  smart 
fellows  riding  that  way,  one  of  them  called  to 
him  with  an  insolentair,  "  Well,  honest  fellow," 
said  he,  "  'tis  your  business  to  sow,  but  we  reap 
the  fruits  of  your  labour."  To  which  the  coun- 
tryman replied,  "  'Tis  very  like  you  may,  for  I 
am  sowing  hemp." 

Reason  for  Weeping. 

A  gentleman,  taking  an  apartment,  told  the 
landlady,  "  I  assure  you,  madam,  I  never  left 
a  lodging  but  my  landlady  shed  tears."  She 
answered,  "  I  hope  it  v/as  not,  sir,  because  you 
went  away  without  paying." 

Patience. 

A  fellow  of  Trinity  College,  Cambridge,  on 
the  eve  of  his  departure  from  the  University, 
preached  at  St  Mary's,  upon  these  words,  Have 
patience  zcith  me,  and  I  7d ill  pay  you  all  ;  and, 
owing  a  great  sum  of  money  in  the  town,  en- 
larged mightily  on  the  first  part  of  the  text, 
Have  patience,  4^c.  "  Now,"  says  he,  "  I  should 
come  to  the  second  part,  and  I  tcill  pay  you  all; 
but  having  pressed  too  long  on  your  patience, 
I  must  leave  that  till  the  next  opportunity  ;  so 
pray  have  patience  with  me  !" 


humourist's  own  book.  201 


J\'o  Bad  Exchange. 

"  How  are  3'ou,  this  morning  ?"  said  Fawcett 
to  Cooke.  *'  Not  at  all  myself,"  says  the  tra- 
gedian. ''  Then,  I  congratulate  you,"  replied 
Fawcett;  "  for  be  whoever  else  you  will,  you 
will  be  a  gainer  by  the  bargain." 

Anagra7n. 

One  of  the  happiest  anagrams  in  any  lan- 
guage, is  that  which  has  been  made  from  Pi- 
late's question  to  our  Saviour — '  Quid  est  Veri- 
tas?' (What  is  truth.?)  These  three  words 
make  the  following  anagrammatic  sentence  :  est 
vir  qui  adcst.  (The  man  whom  you  see  before 
you.) 

Extreme  Unction. 

As  the  late  Earl  of  Chesterfield  and  Lord 
Petre  were  once  stepping  out  of  a  carriage,  a 
great  lamp,  oil  and  all,  fell  from  the  centre  of 
an  iron  arch  before  the  house,  missing  Lord 
Petre  by  about  half  an  inch.  "  Oh,  my  lord," 
said  he,  "I  was  near  being  gone  !"  "  Why, 
yes,"  replied  the  Earl,  coolly,  **  but  there  would 
certainly  have  been  one  comfort  attending  the 
accident,  since  you  must  infallibly  have  re- 
ceived extreme  unction  before  you  went." 

Flying  Colours. 

Two  gentlemen  were  at  a  coffee-house,  when 
the  discourse  fell  upon  Sir  Joshua  Reynolds's 


202  humourist's  own  book. 

painting ;  one  of  them  said,  that "  his  tints  were 
admirable,  but  the  colours  flew."  It  happened, 
unluckily,  that  Sir  Joshua  was  in  the  next  stall, 
and  he,  taking  up  his  hat,  accosted  them  thus, 
with  a  low  bow:  "  Gentlemen,  I  return  you 
many  thanks  for  bringing  me  off  with  fiying 
colours." 

Bon  Mot  of  Kelson. 

Lord  Nelson  was  as  decided  and  animated  in 
his  intercourse  with  his  friends  as  with  the 
enemies  of  his  country.  Captain  Berry  had 
served  with  him  in  the  unfortunate  affair  of 
Teneriffe  ;  and,  on  their  return  to  England,  ac- 
companied him  to  St  James's.  The  king,  with 
his  accustomed  suavity,  lamented  the  gallant 
admiral's  wounds.  "  You  have  lost  your  right 
arm,"  observed  his  majesty.  "  But  not  my 
right  hand,"  replied  the  other,  "  as  I  have  the 
honour  of  presenting  Captain  Berry  to  your 
majesty." 

Anecdote  of  Quin. 

Dining  one  day  at  a  party  in  Bath,  Quin 
uttered  something  which  caused  a  general  mur- 
mur of  delight.  A  nobleman  present,  who  was 
not  illustrious  for  the  brilliancy  of  his  ideas,  ex- 
claimed, "  What  a  pity  'tis,  Quin,  my  boy,  that 
a  clever  fellow  like  you  should  be  a  player." 
Quin  fixed  and  flashed  his  eye  upon  the  person, 
with  this  reply,  "  What  would  your  lordship 
have  me  be  ? — a  lord  !" 


humourist's  own  book.  203 


A  Cogent  Reason  for  not  Marrying. 

A  gentleman  who  paid  his  addresses  to  a  lady 
in  every  respect  qualified  to  make  him  an  ex- 
cellent wife,  had  been  accustomed  to  spend  al- 
most every  evening  during  a  period  of  nearly 
thirty  years  at  her  house.  A  friend  one  morn- 
ing met  with  him,  and  in  the  course  of  conver- 
sation said,  "  Why,  in  the  name  of  fate,  don't 

you  marry  Miss .?     You  have  known  her 

now  above  thirty  years  ;  she  is  amiable,  clever, 
has  a  good  fortune,  and  is  precisely  the  person 
you  ought  to  choose  for  a  wife."  ''  Why,"  said 
he,  "  I  have  often  thought  of  marrying  her,  but 
have  as  often  been  deterred  by  the  reflec- 
tion that  I  should  then  have  no  where  to  spend 
my  evenings." 

I  myself  am  Carlini. 

An  unfortunate  man,  miserably  afflicted  with 
a  hypochondriacal  complaint,  consulted  M. 
Tronchin,  the  physician.  "  You  want  amuse- 
ment, sir,"  said  Tronchin  to  him ;  "  go  and  see 
Carlini:*  he  will  make  you  laugh,  and  will  do 
you  more  good,  than  any  thing  I  can  prescribe 
for  you."  "  Alas  !  sir,"  said  the  patient,  "  / 
myself  am  Carlini .'" 

Honesty  too  Dear. 
A  magistrate  remonstrating  with  a  culprit  of 
the  poor  class,  who  had  been  frequently  before 

*  A  celebrated  harlequin  of  the  Italian  comedy. 


204  humourist's  own  book. 

him,  asked  him  why  he  did  not  contrive  to  pur- 
sue an  honest  course  ?  The  other,  who  had 
got  some  gin  under  his  girdle,  replied,  "  Upon 
my  soul,  please  your  worship,  I  can't  afford  to 
be  honest." 


Kindness  of  a  Carpenter. 

A  carpenter,  having  neglected  to  make  a  gib- 
bet (which  was  ordered  by  the  executioner), 
on  the  ground  that  he  had  not  been  paid  for  the 
last  that  he  had  erected,  gave  so  much  offence, 
that  the  next  time  the  judge  came  the  circuit 
he  was  sent  for.  "  Fellow,  (said  the  judge,  in 
a  stern  tone)  how  came  you  to  neglect  making 
the  gibbet  that  was  ordered  on  my  account?" 
''  I  humbly  beg  your  pardon,"  said  the  carpen- 
ter, "  had  I  known  it  had  been  for  your  lord- 
ship, it  should  have  been  done  immediately." 

Gratitude. 

A  grotesque  instance  of  the  sudden  power 
of  gratitude,  is  shown  in  a  modern  Kentish  an- 
ecdote, perfectly  well  attested.  A  person  of 
Whitestable,  named  Patten,  was  well  known  in 
his  own  neighbourhood  as  a  man  of  great  oddi- 
ty, great  humour,  and  equally  great  extrava- 
gance. Once  standing  in  need  of  a  new  wig, 
his  old  one  defying  all  farther  assistance  of  art, 
he  went  over  to  Canterbury,  and  apphed  to  a 
barber,  young  in  the  business,  to  make  him  one. 
The  tradesman,  who  was  just  going  to  dinner, 
begged  the  honour  of  his  new  customer's  com- 
pany at  his  meal,  to  which  Patten  most  readily 
consented.    After  dinner,  a  large  bowl  of  punch 


humourist's  own  book.  205 

was  produced,  and  the  happy  guest,  with  equal 
readiness,  joined  in  its  demolition.  When  it 
was  out,  the  barber  was  proceeding  to  business, 
and  began  to  handle  his  measure,  when  Mr 
Patten  desired  him  to  desist,  saying,  he  should 
not  make  his  wig  "Why  not!"  exclaimed 
the  honest  host ;  "  have  I  done  any  thing  to  of- 
fend you,  sir.^"  "Not  in  the  least,"  replied 
the  guest ;  "  I  find  you  are  a  very  honest,  good- 
natured  fellow ;  so  I  will  take  somebody  else 
in.  Had  you  made  it,  you  would  never  have 
been  paid  for  it." 

Bacchanalian  Inquest. 

A  man  not  twenty  miles  from  the  capital  of 

was  the  other  day  recognized  by  several 

sober  citizens,  in  such  a  situation  as  to  induce 
the  belief  that  he  was  dead,  and  that  he  had  come 
to  his  untimely  fate,  either  by  mischance  or  the 
hand  of  violence.  A  magistrate  was  immedi- 
ately called  upon,  who,  after  hastily  referring 
to  the  statutes,  and  a  book  of  forms  and  prece- 
dents, placed  a  volume  under  each  arm,  and 
with  appropriate  solemnity,  moved  to  the  fatal 
spot,  calling,  as  he  passed,  on  his  neighbours  to 
the  number  of  fifteen,  to  serve  as  a  jury  of  in- 
quest. The  jury  was  duly  impannelled,  sworn, 
and  charged  to  declare  of  the  death  of  the  per- 
son, whether  he  died  of  felony,  &c.  when,  to  the 
astonishment  of  all  present,  the  apparently  life- 
less corpse  moved,  faintly  raising  his  head,  and 
with  the  muffled  tongue  of  a  votary  of  Bacchus, 
exclaimed,  "  /  have  an  objection  to  one  of  the 
juryr 


206  humourist's  own  book. 


An  OiUline. 

When  the  Duke  de  Choiscul,  who  was  a 
remarkably  meagre-looking  man,  came  to  Lon- 
don for  the  purpose  of  negotiating  a  peace, 
Charles  Townshend,  being  asked  whether  the 
French  government  had  sent  the  preliminaries 
of  a  treaty,  answered,  "  He  did  not  know,  but 
they  had  sent  the  outline  of  an  ambassador." 

Dr  Bentley. 

When  the  great  Bentley,  afterwards  so  dis- 
tinguished, was  examined  for  deacon's  orders, 
he  expected  that  the  bishop  would  himself  ex- 
amine him  ;  and  his  displeasure  at  what  he 
considered  neglect  he  vented  in  such  answers 
as  the  following  : — 

Chaplain.  Q.uid  est  fides  ? 

Bentley.  Quod  non  vides. 

C.  Quid  est  spes  ? 

B.  Quid  non  liabes. 

C.  Quid  est  cliaritas  ? 
B.  Maxima  raritas. 

This  is  said  to  have  been  enough  to  satisfy 
the  chaplain,  who  took  the  rhymer  to  the  bishop. 

Striking  Likeness. 

Some  years  ago,  a  then  itinerant  portrait 
painter,  whose  reputation  has  since  risen  much 
above  the  point  it  at  that  time  occupied,  being 
employed  to  delineate  the  features  of  a  musi- 
cian of  some  eminence,  who  had  taken  up  his 


humourist's  own  book.  207 

temporary  quarters  at  a  watering  place,  the  son 
of  harmony  was  dissatisfied  with  the  resem- 
blance, and  expressed  his  disapprobation  rather 
strongly.  ''  Whom  is  that  like,  my  dear  .''"  asked 
the  mortified  artist  of  a  fine  little  boy,  the  eldest 
hope  of  his  employer.  '•  Papa !"  said  the  child. 
"  So  it  is,  my  darling — You  see,  sir,  your  son 
is  a  better  judge  of  a  likeness  tiian  yourself. 
And  where  is  it  like  papa,  my  dear?"  "It  's 
very  like  papa,  about  the  fiddle .'"  was  the  answer. 
It  is  unnecessary  to  add,  that  no  more  questions 
were  asked  of  the  juvenile  connoisseur. 

Lord  BoUnghroke. 

The  famous  Lord  Bolingbroke,  being  at  Aix- 
la-chapelle,  during  the  treaty  of  peace  at  that 
place,  (at  which  time  his  attainder  was  taken 
oflT)  was  asked  by  an  impertinent  Frenchman, 
whether  he  came  there  in  any  public  character. 
"  No,  sir,"  replied  his  lordship, ''  I  come,  like  a 
French  minister,  with  no  character  at  all." 

Lightning  and  Lotteries. 

A  few  days  since  a  respectable  young  man  in 
Portland,  among  the  thousands  and  thousands 
who  had  drawn  blanks,  blanks,  blanks,  drew  a 
prize  of  five  hundred  dollars.  His  friends,  we 
have  no  doubt,  trembled  for  the  consequences, 
lest  it  should  lead  him  to  dabble  in  lotteries  till 
he  was  ruined.  We  were  pleased,  however, 
the  other  day,  to  hear  him  remark  that  on  draw- 
ing the  prize,  he  immediately  came  to  the  reso- 
lution never  to  purchase  another  ticket !  and  the 
reason  which  he  gave  pleased  us  still  more. 


aU»  HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK. 

"  He  had  heard  folks  say  that  lightning  was 
never  known  to  strike  twice  in  one  place.'' 

What's  in  a  Name. 

On  it  being  reported,  in  a  party  of  ladies,  that 
a  Captain  Silk  had  arrived  in  town,  they  ex- 
claimed, with  one  exception,  ^'  What  a  name 
for  a  soldier!"  "The  fittest  name  in  the 
world,"  rejoined  a  witty  female ;  "for  silk 
never  can  be  worsted!" 


Great  Encouragement. 

A  gentleman  about  to  join  his  regiment,  sta- 
tioned in  the  West  Indies,  was  making  some 
anxious  inquiries  of  a  brother  officer,  who  had 
returned,  after  serving  several  years  in  that 
climate,  concerning  the  best  means  of  preserv- 
ing health;  to  which  the  other  replied,  "Du- 
ring our  passage  out,  many  serious  discussions 
took  place  about  the  mode  of  living  best  calcu- 
lated to  preserve  health  in  a  climate,  with  the 
fatal  effects  of  which  on  European  constitutions, 
every  one  is  so  well  acquainted.  Some  deter- 
mined to  be  temperate,  and  drink  nothing  but 
water ;  others,  not  to  deviate  from  their  usual 
manner  of  living.  Not  to  interrupt  each  other's 
plans,  we  agreed  to  separate  into  two  distinct 
messes,  which,  from  their  different  modes  of 
living,  very  soon  obtained  the  distinctive  ap- 
pellations of  the  sober  and  the  drunken  club." 
"  Well,"  said  the  other  gentleman,  with  some 
anxiety,  "  and  what  was  the  result?"  "  Why, 
truly,  not  very  satisfactory  :  we  buried  all  the 
members  of  the  sober  club  in  the  course  of  a 


humourist's  own  book.  2(\d 

few  months,  and  I  am  the  only  survivor  of  the 
drunken." 


J\'e70  Reading  in  Horace. 

Sir  Robert  Walpole,  at  tlic  close  of  his  ad- 
ministration, was  sitting  one  evening  with  some 
intimate  friends,  to  whom  he  was  complaining 
of  the  vanities  and  vexations  of  office,  adding, 
from  the  second  epistle  of  the  second  book  of 
Horace, 

'  Liisisti  satis,  edisti,  atque  bibisti ; 

Tempus  abire  tibi  est.' 
"Pray,  Sir  Robert,"  says  one  of  his  friends, 
"is  that  good  Latin  .^"  "Why,  I  think  so — 
what  objections  have  you  to  it.^"  "Why, 
says  the  other  drily,  "  I  did  not  know  but  that 
the  word  might  be  bribe-isti  in  your  Horace." 


Punning  Competition. 

George  IV.,  when  Prince  of  Wales,  and 
Charles  Fox,  one  day  enjoying  a  ride  in  the 
neighbourhood  of  Brighton,  laid  bets  which  of 
them  should  make  the  icorst  pun  on  the  first 
subjects  they  met.  Immediately  after,  meeting 
a  man  carrying  a  dead  hare  over  his  shoulder. 
Fox  (who  was  to  make  the  first  essay  of  his 
wit)  accosted  him  thus  :  "  Friend,  is  that  your 
ownharcj  ox  a.  wig?''  Riding  a  little  farther 
on,  they  came  up  with  two  men,  one  of  whom 
held  a  snufF-box  in  his  hand.  "  So,  friend," 
said  the  Prince,  "  I  see  you  are  a  snuffer." 
"  Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  man.  "And  are  you  a 
snuffer  also  .'"  says  he  to  the  other  man.  "  I 
o 


210  humourist's  own  book. 

am,  please  your  honour."     "  Well,  then,  you 
are  a.  pair  of  smiffcrs.'"    Fox  gained  the  bet. 

Mmanacs. 

A  simple  countryman  lately  went  into  a  shop 
in  Mansfield,  Notts,  to  look  at  some  almanacks. 
Onbeingtold  the  price,  he  exclaimed,  "  They're 
very  dear  !"  "  Yes,"  was  the  reply,  "  and 
they'll  be  dearer  too,  next  year."  This  so 
staggered  poor  Johnny,  that  he  exclaimed,  "  I'll 
have  three  before  they  do  rise!"  And,  sans 
ceremonie,  that  number  he  actually  purchased 
and  paid  for  ! 

JVaval  Pun. 

A  gentleman  inquiring  of  a  naval  officer  why 
sailors  generally  take  off  their  shirts  on  going 
into  action,  was  answered,  that  "  they  were 
unwilling  to  have  any  check  to  fighting." 

False  Report. 

A  gentleman  meeting  an  old  friend,  whom 
he  had  not  seen  for  a  long  time,  congratulated 
him  on  lately  coming  to  the  possession  of  a 
large  landed  estate.  ''  There  was  such  a  re- 
port," replied  the  other;  '•  but,  if  you  will  be- 
lieve me,  it  was  quite  groundless." 

Diverting  Vagabond. 

Mossop,  the  player,  always  spoke  in  heroics. 
A  cobbler  in  DubUn,  who  once  brought  home 
his  boots,  refused  to  leave  them  without  the 


humourist's  own  book.  211 

money.  Mossop  came  in  whilst  he  was  dis- 
puting, and.  looking  sternly,  exclaimed,  '•  Tell 
me,  are  you  the  noted  cobbler  I  have  often 
heard  of.^"'  "  Yes,"  says  the  fellow,  "  and  I 
think  you  the  diverting  vagabond  1  have  often 
seen." 


Pluralities. 

When  George  I.  landed  at  Greenwich,  the 
inhabitants,  after  discussing  the  subject,  of 
what  was  the  highest  honour  they  could  confer 
upon  the  newly  arrived  sovereign,  determined 
upon  electing  him  churchwarden,  which  was 
accordingly  done.  A  dispute,  however,  after- 
wards took  place  in  the  vestry,  as  to  whether 
he  who  was  elected  to  serve  the  office  of  king, 
could  serve  the  office  of  churchwarden  at  the 
same  time. 

John  Kemhle. 

Perhaps  no  man  ever  acted  so  completely  up 
to  a  character  as  Kemble.  For  the  time  he  al- 
most imagined  himself  to  be  the  very  thing  he 
represented.  The  following  example  to  the 
above  rule  happened  one  night  at  a  provincial 
theatre,  when  John  performed  the  character  of 
Brutus.  The  unfortunate  wight  who  that  eve- 
ning represented  Mark  Antony,  fatigued  by  his 
exertions,  sought,  behind  the  scenes,  refresh- 
ment from  a  tankard  of  cool  porter.  John, 
making  an  exit  from  the  stage,  caught  the  no- 
ble Antony  in  the  very  act  I  He  shrank  aghast 
from  the  horrid  sight !  Mark  Antony  drinking 
porter  ! ! !     Kemble  struck  the  offiinding  pewter 


212  humourist's  own  book.- 

pot  from  the  luckless  actor's  hands  ;  ran  to  his 
tiring  room,  threw  himself  on  a  sofa ;  and  much 
time  elapsed  before  his  brother  actors  could  pre- 
vail upon  him  to  continue  the  performance. 

Like  the  Ministry. 

Lord  North,  exulting  over  Charles  Fox,  on 
the  news,  in  an  extraordinary  gazette,  of  New 
York  being  conquered,  the  patriotic  wit  replied, 
"  It  is  a  mistake,  sir;  New  York  is  not  con- 
quered •,  it  is  only,  like  the  ministry,  aban- 
doned!" 


Jl  Bonne  Bouche. 

An  elderly  lady,  on  a  visit  at  Margate,  went 
into  the  market,  having  made  up  her  mind  to 
buy  a  goose.  There  were  but  two  in  the  mar- 
ket, both  in  the  custody  of  a  little  cherry- 
cheeked  lass  from  Birchington,  who,  to  the 
surprise  of  her  customer,  positively  refused  to 
sell  one  without  the  other.  Recollecting  that 
a  neighbour  had  also  expressed  a  wish  for  one, 
the  lady  was,  without  much  difficulty,  prevailed 
on  to  take  both.  When  the  bargain  was  con- 
cluded, however,  she  thought  proper  to  inquire 
of  the  vendor,  why  she  had  so  peremptorily 
declined  selling  them  separately .''  "  If  you 
please,  my  lady,"  was  the  naive  answer,  "  mo- 
ther said  as  how  the  geese  had  lived  together 
fifteen  years,  and  it  would  be  cruel  to  part  them." 

Ready  Money  Legacy. 
An  English  stock-jobber,  known  for  his  un- 


humourist's  own  book.  213 

exampled  parsimony,  although  possessed  of  an 
immense  fortune,  one  day  met  a  very  poor 
man,  one  of  his  own  relations.  "  Come  hitlier, 
George,"  said  the  miser,  "  do  you  know  I  have 
just  now  made  my  will,  and  remembered  you 
handsomely,  my  boy  ?"  "  God  bless  your  hon- 
our," said  the  grateful  man,  ''you  will  be  re- 
warded for  so  charitable  an  action,  for  you  could 
not  have  thought  of  a  more  distressed  family." 
"Are  you  indeed  so  very  poor,  George.-*'* 
"  Sir,  my  family  's  starving  !"  said  the  man, 
almost  crying.  "  Harkye,  then,  George,  if  you 
will  allow  me  a  good  discount,  I  will  pay  your 
legacy  immediately."  We  need  not  add,  that 
the  terms  were  accepted  of,  and  that  they  part- 
ed equally  pleased  with  the  bargain  they  had 
concluded. 


Equity. 

A  gentleman,  resident  at  Harrow,  made  fre- 
quent complaints  to  the  masters  of  the  great 
school  there,  of  his  garden  being  stripped  of  its 
fruit,  even  before  it  became  ripe — but  to  no 
purpose.  Tired  of  applying  to  the  masters  for 
redress,  he  at  length  appealed  to  the  boys,  and, 
sending  for  one  to  his  house,  he  said,  "  Now, 
my  good  fellow,  I'll  make  this  agreement  with 
you  and  your  companions  :  let  the  fruit  remain 
on  the  trees  till  it  becomes  ripe,  and  I  promise 
to  give  you  half."  The  boy  coolly  replied,  "  I 
can  say  nothing  to  the  proposition,  sir,  myself, 
but  will  make  it  known  to  the  rest  of  the  boys, 
and  inform  you  of  their  decision  to-morrow." 
To-morrow  came,  and  brought  with  it  this  re- 
ply :  "  The  gentlemen  of  Harrow  cannot  agree 


214  humourist's  own  book. 

to  receive  so  unequal  a  share,  since  Mr  ■ 

is  an  individual,  and  we  are  many." 

Ben  Barrett, 

The  facetious  Ben  Barrett,  well  known  to 
every  body  in  this  country  as  a  lover  of  fun  and 
whiskey,  while  standing  on  the  wharf  in  Albany, 
a  great  while  ago,  offered  to  bet  a  dollar  that  he 
could  throw  a  man  across  the  Hudson  to  Green- 
bush.  A  bystander  accepted  the  bet,  when 
Ben  immediately  seized  and  plunged  him  into 
the  river.  After  some  little  exertion,  he  got 
ashore  and  demanded  the  stakes. — "  Why," 
says  Ben,  ''I  didn't  succeed  the  first  time,  to 
be  sure  ;  but  I'll  try  a  hundred  times  if  I  don't 
do  it  without!" 


Ko  Deep  Play. 

Lord  O ,  saying  that  he  made  a  point  of 

never  playing  beyond  the  line  of  his  own  un- 
derstanding ;  "Now,  my  lord,"  said  the 
Countess  of  Buckinghamshire,  '"  I  see  the  rea- 
son you  never  play  deep." 

Philology. 

A  gentleman  passing  the  shop  of  Mr  Haswell, 
tea-dealer,  observed,  his  name  would  be  as  well 
without  an  H. 


Johnson  and  Rousseau. 

When  Dr  Johnson  was  told  that  Rousseau's 
Confessions  would  contain  every  motive  that 


humourist's  own  hook.  215 

had  induced  him  to  act  in  every  situation  ; 
'•  Then,"  rcphed  he,  "  if  he  was  nn  ho  nest  man, 
his  book  will  not  be  worth  a  farthinof." 


Good  Advertisement. 

Stephen  Kemblc  happening  to  pass  through 
Newport  Market,  the  butchers  set  up  their 
usual  cry  of  "  What  d'ye  buy  ?  What  d'ye 
buy  ?"  Stephen  parried  this  for  some  time,  by 
paying',  he  did  not  want  any  thing.  At  last,  a 
butcher  started  from  his  stall,  and  eyeing  Ste- 
phen's figure  from  top  to  bottom,  which  cer 
tainly  did  not  indicate  that  he  fed  on  air,  ex- 
claimed, '*  Well,  sir,  though  you  do  not  now 
want  any  thing,  only  say  you'll  buy  your  meat  of 
me,  and  you  will  make  my  fortune." 

Total  Abstinence. 

Parson  A.  belonged  to  a  Temperance  Society, 
all  total  ahstincnce  men;  one  of  his  friends  had 
strange  misgivintrs  of  the  minister's  cold  water 
propensities.  "  Pray,  Mr  A.,"  said  he,  "  what 
is  meant  by  total  ahstincnccV  "Why,"  an- 
swered the  shrewd  clergyman,  with  a  sly  sneer, 
"it  means  not  to  drink  so  fast  as  to  choke  your- 

scifr 

FcUoiD  Feeling. 

Dr   A ,    physician   at  Newcastle,   being 

summoned  to  a  vestry,  in  order  to  reprimand 
the  sexton  for  drunkenness,  he  dwelt  so  long 
on  the  fellow's  misconduct,  as  to  raise  his  cho- 
ler,  and  draw  from  him  this  expression  : — "  Sir, 


21G  humourist's  own  book. 

I  was  in  hopes  you  would  have  treated  my 
failings  with  more  gentleness,  or  that  you 
would  have  been  the  last  man  alive  to  appear 
against  me,  as  I  have  covered  so  many  blunders 
of  yours!'' 

Striking  Analogy. 

Bate  Dudley  had  been  telling  a  story  to  the 
Anacreontic  Club,  which  purported  to  be  en- 
tirely new,  and  which  caused  a  great  deal  of 
laughter.  Hevvardine  then  observed,  that  the 
anecdote  related  by  Mr  Dudley  put  him  in  mind 
of  another  nearly  as  facetious.  He  then  re- 
peated some  venerable  affair,  which,  whatever 
was  its  point,  bore  no  more  resemblance  to 
Dudley's,  than  a  white  egg  to  a  black  hen. 
When  it  was  concluded,  Dudley  turned  to  He- 
wardine  with  a  stare  of  surprise,  and  observed, 
"  That  was  a  very  humourous  circumstance ; 
but  I  can't  see  how  my  anecdote  could  remind 
you  of  it!"  "No!"  said  Tom.  "  Why,  I'll 
tell  you, — your  story  is  at  the  top  of  the  leaf, 
page  17,  Miller's  old  edition,  and  mine  follows 
at  the  bottom!" 

The  Fast -Day. 

A  gentleman  who  employs  a  great  number 
of  hands  in  a  manufactory  in  the  west  of  Eng- 
land, in  order  to  encourage  his  work  people  in 
a  due  attendance  at  church,  on  a  fast-day,  told 
them,  that  if  they  went  to  church  they  would 
receive  their  wages  for  that  day,  in  the  same 
manner  as  if  they  had  been  at  work.  Upon 
which  a  deputation  was  appointed  to  acquaint 


humourist's  oww  book.  217 

their  employer,  that  "  if  he  would  pay  them  for 
orcr  hours,  they  would  attend  likewise  at  the 
Methodist  chapel  in  the  evening  !" 

A  Friend  in  JVecd. 

A  scholar  declaiming  in  the  college-hall,  and 
having  a  bad  memory,  was  at  a  stand,  when,  in 
a  low  voice,  he  desired  one  who  stood  close  by 
him  to  help  him  out.  "  No,"  says  the  other, 
"  methinks  you  are  out  enough  already." 

A  Serio2is  Repartee. 

The  Irish  are  very  happy  in  their  conversa- 
tional tact,  and  the  art  of  repartee.  When  an 
Irishman  makes  a  blunder,  he  generally  makes 
a  good  joke,  and  recompenses  the  error  by  the 
sly  humour  it  conveys.  Their  satire,  however, 
is  superior  to  their  iTjirth.  French  may  be  the 
lanffuao-e  of  love,  was  once  well  observed,  Eng- 
lish of  business,  but  Irish  is  the  language  of  ex- 
pression. There  is  no  other  language,  German 
not  excepted,  that  expresses  so  much  meaning 
in  a  few  words.  The  Irish  endeavour  to  trans- 
late tliis  capacity  into  English,  and  to  supply 
with  dramatic  effect  the  deficiency  of  express- 
ion. A  Galway  gentleman  lately  entered  the 
coffee-liouse  in  London,  and  called  for  tea;  his 
brogue  attracted  the  attention  of  a  scented  civil- 
ian in  an  opposite  box,  who,  relying  upon  his 
superior  accent  {ac-sccnt  ?)  resolved  to  have  a 
jest  at  the  expense  of  the  stranger.  The  civil- 
ian called  for  tea  too  ;  the  Irishman  called  for 
muflins,  so  did  the  civilian  ;  toast,  milk,  sugar, 
&c.  were  severally  called  for  by  the  Irishman, 


218  humodrist's  own  book. 

and  as  severally  echoed  by  the  fop,  who  enjoyed 
in  his  corner  the  supposed  embarrassment  to 
which  he  was  subjecting  the  Galway  man.  At 
last,  with  the  greatest  composure,  and  if  possible 
a  richer  brogue,  the  Irishman  desired  the  waiter 
to  "  bring  up  pistols  for  two." — The  jester's  echo 
was  silent. 


Tillotson. 

It  was  well  answered  by  Archbishop  Tillot- 
son, when  King  William  III.  complained  of  the 
shortness  of  his  sermon,  '•  Sire,"  said  the  arch- 
bishop, "  could  I  have  bestowed  more  time 
upon  it,  it  would  not  have  been  so  long." 

Soot  and  Religion. 

A  dignified  clergyman,  going  to  his  living  to 
spend  the  summer,  met  near  his  house  a  comi- 
cal old  chimney-sweeper,*  with  whom  he  used 
to  chat.  '■  So,  John,"  said  the  doctor,  '•'  whence 
come  you.!*"  ''From  your  house,  sir,  where, 
this  morning,  I  swept  all  your  chimneys." 
"How  many  were  there?"  said  the  doctor. 
''  No  less  than  twenty,"  quoth  John.  "  Well, 
and  how  much  a  chimney  have  you  ?"  "  Only 
a  shilling  a-piece,  sir."  ''  Why  then,"  quoth 
the  doctor,  "  you  have  earned  a  great  deal  of 
money  in  a  little  time."  "  Yes,  yes,"  says  John, 
throwing  his  bag  over  his  shoulder,  "  we  black 
coats  get  our  money  easy  enough." 

Anecdote  of  George  II. 
When  Lord  Chesterfield  was  in  adrainistra- 


HUMOUniSX's  OWN  BOOK.  219 

tion,  he  proposed  a  person  to  George  II.  as 
proper  to  fill  a  place  of  great  trust,  but  which 
the  king  himself  was  determined  should  be 
filled  by  another.  The  council,  however,  re- 
solved not  to  indulge  the  king,  for  fear  of  a 
dangerous  precedent.  It  was  Lord  Chester- 
field's business  to  present  the  grant  of  the  office 
for  the  king's  signature.  Not  to  incense  his 
majesty,  by  asking  him  abruptly,  he,  with  ac- 
cents of  great  humility,  begged  to  know  with 
whose  name  his  majesty  would  be  pleased  to 
have  the  blanks  filled  up  ?  "  With  the  devil's  !" 
replied  the  king,  in  a  paroxysm  of  rage.  *•  And 
shall  the  instrument,"  said  the  earl,  coolly, "  run 
as  usual,  '  Our  trusty  well- beloved  cousin  and 
counsellor.''" — a  repartee  at  which  the  king 
laughed  heartily,  and  with  great  good  humour 
signed  the  ofrant. 


Wit  in  a  Hobnail. 

A  proud  parson  and  his  man,  riding  over  a 
common,  saw  a  shepherd  tending  his  flock  in  a 
new  coat.  The  parson  asked  in  a  haughty 
tone,  who  gave  him  that  coat  ?  ''  The  same 
people,"  said  the  shepherd,  "  that  clothe  you, 
— the  parish."  The  parson,  nettled  a  little, 
rode  on  murmuring  a  considerable  way,  and 
sent  his  man  back  to  ask  the  shepherd,  if  he 
would  come  and  live  with  him  .''  for  he  wanted 
a  fool.  The  man  went  to  the  shepherd  accord- 
ingly, and  delivered  his  master's  message, 
concluding,  that  his  master  really  wanted  a 
fool.  "  Are  you  going  away  then  ?"  said  the 
shepherd.  "No,"  answered  the  other.  ''Then 
you  may  tell  your  master,"  replied  the  shep- 
herd, "  his  living  won't  maintain  three  of  us." 


220  humourist's  own  book. 


Captain  Pierce. 

Capt.  Pierce,  lately  arrived  at  New  York,  af- 
ter bringing  his  vessel  to  an  anchor,  is  said  to 
have  ordered  an  Irishman  to  throw  over  the  buoy. 
The  captain  then  went  below,  but  coming  on 
deck  soon  after  asked  the  other  if  he  had  thrown 
over  the  buoy  :  he  replied,  "  I  could  not  catch 
the  hoy,  so  I  throwed  over  the  old  cook  /" 

The  Benevolent  Widow. 

There  was  a  very  benevolent  widow  living 
in  Plymouth,  in  respectable  circumstances,  who 
frequently  went  to  the  theatre,  and  was  kind 
enough  to  inquire  into  the  private  situations  of 
various  members  of  the  company.  Among 
others,  she  asked  about  Prigmore,  and  was  told 
that  he  had  but  a  small  salary,  and  made  a  ver.y 
poor  appearance.  Hearing  this,  she  remem- 
bered that  she  had  a  pair  of  her  late  husband's 
indispensables  in  the  house,  which  she  resolved 
to  offer  him.  A  servant  was,  accordingly, 
despatched  to  the  object  of  her  charity,  who, 
meeting  one  of  the  actors,  and  partly  disclosing 
her  business,  he  went  in  search  of  Prigmore, 
and  finding  him,  exclaimed,  "  Prigmore,  my 
boy,  here  's  your  fortune  made  at  last ;  here  'a 
a  rich  widow  in  the  town  has  fallen  in  love 
with  you,  and  wants  to  see  you."  Prigmore, 
not  suspecting  his  roguery,  was  led  to  the  ser- 
vant, in  a  state  of  bewildered  rapture,  and  by 
the  latter  was  informed  that  the  widow  would 
be  glad  to  see  him  any  morning  it  was  con- 
venient.    He  appointed   the    following,    and 


humourist's  own  book.  221 

went  home  to  his  lodgings  to  indulge  in  a  day- 
dream of  golden  independence.  His  friend,  in 
tlie  mean  time,  whispered  the  truth  through 
the  green-room,  where  tliere  were  two  or  three 
others  wicked  enough  to  join  in  the  conspiracy, 
by  walking  to  Prigniore's  house  to  tender  their 
congratulations.    Prigmore,  as  will  be  supposed, 

Eassed  a  sleepless  night,  and  spent  an  extra 
our  at  his  toilet  the  next  morning,  in  adorning 
himself  with  a  clean  chin  and  neckcloth.  He 
then  S7.11ied  forth,  and,  on  reaching  the  widow's, 
was  shown  into  her  parlour,  where,  casting  his 
eyes  around  on  the  substantial  sufficiency  of  its 
furniture,  he  began  to  felicitate  himself  on  the 
aspect  of  his  future  home.  The  lady  at  length 
appeared  :  she  was  upon  the  verge  of  forty, — a 
very  fashionable  ago  at  that  time,  which  resting 
upon  the  shoulders  of  a  very  comely-looking 
woman,  seemed  to  be  in  character  with  her  very 
comfortable  dwelling.  Prigniore's  satisfaction 
and  her  benevolence  operated  equally  in  pro- 
ducing some  confusion  :  at  length  a  conversa- 
tion commenced.  She  acquainted  him  that  she 
had  heard  his  situation  was  not  so  agreeable  as 
he  could  wish, — that  his  income  was  a  confined 
one ;  she  was,  therefore,  desirous  to  do  him  all 
the  service  that  lay  in  her  power.  Prigmore, 
considering  this  an  express  declaration  of  her 
affection,  was  about  to  throw  himself  at  her 
feet,  when  she  suddenly  summoned  the  servant 
and  exclaimed,  "  Rachel,  bring  the  breeches  !" 
These  words  astounded  him,  and  he  stared  in 
her  face  like  a  block  of  marble  ;  the  widow,  as 
suspicionless  as  himself  of  the  hoax,  could  not 
interpret  his  wonder;  but,  on  receiving  the 
habiliments,  folded  them  carefully  up,  and  re- 


222  humourist's  own  book. 

marking  that  they  were  as  good  as  new,  (her 
husband  having  caught  his  fatal  cold  in  them 
the  first  time  he  put  them  on)  begged  Prig- 
more 's  acceptance  of  the  same.  "  And  was  it 
for  this  you  wanted  me,  madam?"  exclaimed 
Prigmore,  rising  from  his  chair ;  his  tone  and 
countenance  bespeaking  a  mixture  of  surprise 
and  disappointment.  "  Yes,  sir."  He  put  on 
his  hat,  and  walked  to  the  door  in  silent  indig- 
nation. The  good  woman,  as  much  astonished 
as  himself,  followed  him  and  said,  "  Won't  you 
take  the  breeches,  sir?"  "No,  madam,"  he 
replied,  pausing  at  the  door  to  make  some  bit- 
ter remark  j  "  Wear  them  yourself!"  For  the 
remainder  of  the  season,  his  life  was  far  from 
being  enviable. 

Coats  and  Arms. 

A  gentleman  having  called  a  ticket  porter  to 
carry  a  message,  asked  his  name ;  he  said  it 
was  Russel.  "  And  pray,"  said  the  gentleman) 
jocularly,  "  is  your  coat  of  arms  the  same  as  the 
Duke  of  Bedford's?"  "  As  to  our  axTTis^  your 
honour,"  says  the  porter,  "  I  believe  they  are 
much  alike  ;  but  there  is  a  great  difference  be- 
tween our  coats^ 


Elwes,  the  Miser. 

The  eldest  son  of  Elwes,  the  celebrated  miser, 
having  fallen  down  with  a  ladder,  when  pulling 
some  grapes,  had  the  precaution  to  go  into  the 
village  to  the  barber,  and  get  blooded.  On  his 
return,  he  was  asked  where  he  had  been,  and 
what  was  the  matter  with  his  arm  ?     He  told 


humourist's  own  book.  223 

his  father  what  had  happened,  and  that  he  had 
got  bled.  "Bled!"  said  the  old  gentleman; 
"  but  what  did  you  ^ive  .^"  ••  A  shilling,"  an- 
swered the  boy.  "  Psha  !"  returned  the  father, 
"  you  are  a  blockhead;  never  part  with  your 
blood." 

Elwes  had  two  country  seats,  the  one  in  Suf- 
folk, and  the  other  in  Berkshire  :  of  these  he 
gave  the  preference  to  the  former,  because  his 
journey  from  town  thither  cost  him  only  two- 
pence-halfpenny ;  that  into  Berkshire  amount- 
ed to  fourpence.  At  this  time  he  was  worth 
eight  hundred  thousand  pounds. 

Cause  and  Effect. 

Two  gentlemen  happening  to  meet,  the  one 

observed,  "So  our  friend  ,  the  attorney, 

is  dead."  "Yes,  and  I  hear  he  left  very  few 
effects."  "  It  could  not  be  otherwise  :  he  had 
very  few  causes." 

^  Bore. 

A  celebrated  wit  used  to  say  of  a  very  good 
natured  dull  fellow,  "  'Tis  a  thousand  pities  the 
felloio  is  not  ill-natured  I  that  one  might  kick  him 
out  of  company." 

Mt  a  Bad  Hit. 

A  gentleman  expatiated  on  the  justice  and 
propriety  of  an  hereditary  nobility.  "Is  it  not 
right,"  said  he,  "  in  order  to  hand  down  to  pos- 
terity the  virtues  of  those  men  who  have  been 


224  humourist's  own  book. 

eminent  for  their  services  to  the  country,  that 
their  posterity  should  enjoy  the  honours  con- 
ferred on  them  as  a  reward  for  such  services?" 
*'  By  the  same  rule,"  said  a  lady,  "  if  a  man  is 
hanged  for  his  misdeeds,  all  his  •posterity  should 
be  hanged  too." 

Cutting  Both  Ways. 

Sarah,  Duchess  of  Marlborough,  once  press- 
ing the  duke  to  take  a  medicine,  with  her 
usual  warmth  said,  '^  I'll  be  hanged  if  it  do  not 
prove  serviceable."  Dr  Garth,  who  was  pre- 
sent, exclaimed,  "  Do  take  it,  then,  my  lord 
duke,  for  it  must  be  of  service  the  one  way  or 
the  other." 


Infidel  wit  repelled. 

A  gay  young  spark  of  deistical  turn,  travel- 
ling in  a  stage  coach,  forced  his  sentiments  upon 
the  company  by  attempting  to  ridicule  the  Scrip- 
ture, and,  among  other  topics,  made  himself 
merry  wnth  the  story  of  David  and  Goliah  ; 
strongly  urging  the  impossibility  of  a  youth  like 
David  being  able  to  throw  a  stone  with  sufficient 
force  to  sink  it  into  a  giant's  forehead.  On  this 
he  appealed  to  the  company,  and  particularly  to 
a  grave  old  gentleman,  of  the  denomination 
called  Quakers,  who  sat  silent  in  one  corner  of 
the  carriage  :  "  Indeed,  friend,  replied  he,  I  do 
not  think  it  at  all  improbable,  if  the  Philistine's 
head  was  as  soft  as  thine." 


humourist's  own  book.  225 


A  Disconsolate  House. 

A  man  being  asked  by  his  neighbour,  how 
his  wife  did?  made  this  answer:  "Indeed, 
neigiibour,  the  case  is  pitiful ;  my  wife  fears 
she  shall  die,  and  I  fear  she  toill  not  die,  which 
makes  a  most  disconsolate  hoitsc." 


JVeio  Oppositionist. 

A  dog  having  one  day  got  into  the  House  of 
Commons,  by  his  barking  interrupted  Lord 
North,  who  happened  to  be  opening  one  of  his 
budgets.  His  lordship  pleasantly  inquired  by 
what  new  oppositionist  he  was  attacked  ?  A 
wag  replied,  "  It  was  a  member  for  i>ar^-shire." 

Fox  and  Sheridan. 

Sheridan  was  down  at  Brighton  one  summer, 
when  Fox,  the  manager,  desirous  of  showing 
him  some  civility,  took  him  all  over  the  theatre, 
and  exhibited  its  beauties.  '•  There,  Mr  Sheri- 
dan," said  Fox,  who  combined  twenty  occupa- 
tions, without  being  clever  in  one,  "I  built  and 
painted  all  these  boxes,  and  I  painted  all  these 
scenes."  ''  Did  you,"  said  Sheridan,  surveying 
them  rapidly ;  ''  well,  I  should  not,  I  am  sure, 
have  known  you  were  a  Fox  by  your  brush." 

Nerves. 

A  dowager  Duchess  of  Bedford,  in  her  eighty- 
fifth  year,  was  living  at  Buxton,  at  a  time  when 
it  was  the  medical  farce  of  the  day  for  the  fa- 


SS6  humourist's  own  book. 

culty  to  resolve  every  complaint  of  whim  and 
caprice  into  '  a  shock  of  the  nervous  system.' 
Her  grace,  after  inquiring  of  many  of  her  friends 
in  the  room,  what  hrought  them  there  ?  and 
being  generally  answered  '  for  a  nervous  com- 
plaint,' was  asked  in  her  turn,  what  brought 
her  to  Buxton  ?  "  I  came  only  for  pleasure," 
answered  the  hale  old  lady,  "  for,  thank  God, 
I  was  born  before  nerves  came  into  fashion." 

Logical  Illustration. 

A  layman  in  Providence,  who  occasionally  ex- 
horted at  evening  meetings,  thus  expressed  his 
belief  in  the  existence  of  a  Deity.  ''  Brethren, 
— I  am  just  as  confident  that  there  is  a  Supreme 
Being,  as  I  am  that  there  is  flour  in  Alexandria; 
and  that  I  know  for  certain,  as  I  yesterday  re- 
ceived from  there  a  lot  of  three  hundred  barrels, 
fresh,  superfine,  which  I  will  sell  as  low  as  any 
person  in  town." 

Substance  and  Shadoio. 

A  fellow  went  to  the  parish  priest,  and  told 
him,  with  a  long  face,  that  he  had  seen  a  ghost. 
"  When  and  where?"  said  the  pastor.  '•  Last 
night,"  replied  the  man,  "  I  was  passing  by  the 
church,  and  up  against  the  wall  of  it  did  I  be- 
hold the  spectre."  "  In  what  shape  did  it  ap- 
pear.?" replied  the  priest.  '^  It  appeared  in  the 
shape  of  a  great  ass."  ''  Go  home,  and  hold 
your  tongue  about  it,"  rejoined  the  pastor, 
*'you  are  a  very  timid  man,  and  have  been 
frightened  by  your  own  shadoio." 


humourist's  own  book.  227 


Professional  Enthusiasm. 

Brindley,  an  engineer,  carried  his  attachment 
to  artificial  navigations  so  far,  that,  when  ex- 
amined before  the  House  of  Commons,  he 
spoke  of  rivers  with  most  sovereign  contempt. 
One  of  the  members  asked  him  for  what  pur- 
pose he  apprehended  rivers  to  have  been  creat- 
ed ?  To  this,  after  a  moment's  pause,  he  re- 
plied, '•  To  feed  navigable  canals." 

Sycophancy  Caricatured, 

At  a  time  when  Queen  Elizabeth  was  making 
one  of  her  progresses  through  the  kingdom,  a 
mayor  of  Coventry,  attended  by  a  large  caval- 
cade, went  out  to  meet  her  majesty,  and  usher 
her  into  the  citj^  with  due  formality.  On  their 
return,  the  weather  being  very  hot,  as  they 
passed  through  a  wide  brook,  Mr  Mayor's 
horse  several  times  attempted  to  drink,  and  each 
time  his  worship  checked  him,  which  her  ma- 
jesty observing,  called  out  to  him,  "  Mr  Mayor  ! 
Mr  Mayor!  let  your  horse  drink,  Mr  Mayor;" 
but  the  magistrate,  veiling  his  bonnet,  and 
bowing  very  low,  modestly  answered,  "  Nay, 
nay,  may  it  please  your  majesty's  horse  to  drink 
first." 

Wiafs  rt'  the  Hurry. 

My  excellent  friend,  says  a  living  writer,  now 
known  as  the  Ettrick  Shepherd,  was,  fifteen  or 
twenty  years  ago,  a  member  of  the  Forum,  then 
a  popular  debating  society.    He  had  taken  it 


228  humourist's  own  book. 

into  his  head  thathe  was  an  orator,  and,  in  order 
to  ffive  greater  effect  to  his  speech,  he  had 
planted  himself  in  a  conspicuous  and  command- 
ino-  situation  in  the  gallery.     The  church  (in 
Carrubber's    close)    was   crowded    to    excess. 
The  president  had  proposed,  and  I  had  opened 
the  question  ;  it  was,  as  I  well  remember,  upon 
the  comparative  happiness  of  the  married  and 
single  state.     Hogg  was  then  unmarried,  and  a 
staSnch  antagonist.     I  had  espoused  the  side  ot 
matrimony,  and  found  that  the  cause  I  advocated 
was  not  unpopular.     Hogg  rose  m  reply,     i^  or 
a  space,  his  appearance  though  somewhat  Doric 
and  uncouth,  was  rather  imposing,  and  he  dwelt 
amongst  "  squaUing  weans  and  scolding  Kates 
with  all  the  address  of  the  gudeman  of  Auchter- 
muchty.     I  began,  in  fact,  to  fear  that  the  au- 
dience was  disposed  to  go  along  with  him,  when, 
all  at  once,  he  paused,  and,  after  some  instants 
of  breathless  suspense,  pulled  from  his  pockets 
the  contents  of  his  seemingly  extempore  ad- 
dress.    A  gentleman,  who  occupied  a  situation 
in  the  body  of  the  church,  having  observed  the 
pause,  without  seeing  the  occasion  of  it,  and 
imagining  that  the  speaker  had  stopped  as  a  mill 
pauses,   for   want  of  an  encouragmg  moving 
force,  exclaimed,  in  a  tone  and  manner  ludic- 
rously resembling  those  of  an  orator,      tro  on, 
honest  man  !"  Hogg  coolly  snuffed  the  candle 
which  was  attached  to  the  adjoining  pi  lar,  and 
opening  out  his  papers  slowly  and  deliberately 
said,  with  the  utmost  composure.       What  s  a 
the  hurry?"    When  I  see  the  world  a-gog,  and  a- 
drive,  and  a-push,  and  a-struggle,  in  every  di- 
rection into  which  perverted  genius  has  sent 
wool-crathering.  I  am  ever  and  anon  disposed 


It  a  w 


humourist's  own  book.  220 

to  exclaim,  with  my  old  friend  Hogg,  "  What's 
a'  the  hurry  ?" 


A  Nexo  Translation. 

A  country  'squire  asked  his  son,  who  had 
been  at  a  Latin  school,  what  was  the  meaning 
of  the  words  nemini  secundus?  "  Why,  fa- 
ther," said  he,  "  that  is  a  man  who  was  never 
second  to  any  one  in  a  duel." 

A  Traveller's  Bull. 

A  modern  traveller,  in  a  late  publication, 
states,  that  the  tcomen  of  Sunda,  near  Fez,  are 
the  best  horsemen  in  the  world. 


The  Blind  and  the  Blind. 

A  gentleman  disputing  about  religion  in  But- 
ton's coffee  house,  some  of  the  company  said, 
"You  talk  of  religion,  I'll  hold  you  five  guineas 
you  can't  repeat  the  Lord's  prayer :  Sir  Richard 
Steele  here  shall  hold  the  stakes."  The  money 
being  deposited,  the  gentleman  began,  "  I  be- 
lieve in  God,"  and  so  went  through  his  creed. 
"  Well !"  said  the  other,  '-'  I  own  I  have  lost  it; 
but  did  not  think  you  could  have  done  it." 

Sympathy. 

The  late  Duke  of  Grafton,  when  hunting, 
was  thrown  into  a  ditch :  the  next  moment  a 
young  curate  calling  out,''  Lie  still,  your  grace !" 
leapt  over  him,  and  pursued  his  sport.  Such 
an  apparent  want  of  feeling,  we  might  presume, 


230  humourist's  own  book. 

was  properly  resented — not  so.  On  being  as- 
sisted to  remount,  the  duke  said,  "  That  young 
man  shall  have  the  first  good  living  that  falls  to 
my  disposal;  had  he  stopped  to  have  taken 
care  of  me,  I  never  would  have  patronized 
him:"  being  delighted  with  an  ardour  similar 
to  his  own,  or  with  a  spirit  that  would  not  stoop 
to  flatter. 


Ji  Circuitous  lie. 

A  shoemaker  who  did  not  choose  to  tell  ab- 
solute falsehoods,  contrived  as  well  as  he  could 
to  evade  such  as  his  profession  occasionally 
compelled  him  to  use.  When  he  had  cut  out 
the  leather  for  a  pair  of  shoes,  he  laid  it  down 
upon  the  floor  and  walked  once  or  twice  around 
it.  If  then  asked  by  his  customers  whether  he 
had  done  the  shoes,  he  would  truly  answer, 
"  No,  but  I  have  hecn  about  them." 

[The  moral  off"ence  is  the  same,  because 
though  it  was  not  a  direct  lie,  it  was  a  circuitous 
one]. 

Ben  Jonson. 

Lord  Craven,  in  King  James  the  First's 
reign,  was  very  desirous  to  see  Ben  Jonson  ; 
which  being  told  to  Ben,  he  went  to  my  lord's 
house;  but  being  in  a  very  shabby  condition, 
the  porter  refused  him  admittance,  with  some 
saucy  language,  which  the  other  did  not  fail  to 
return.  My  lord,  happening  to  come  out  while 
they  were  wrangling,  asked  the  occasion  of  it .' 
Ben,  who  stood  in  need  of  nobody  to  speak  for 
him,  said,  "  He  understood  his  lordship  desired 


humourist's  own  book.  231 

to  see  him."  "You,  friend!"  said  my  lord, 
'•  who  are  you?"  "Ben  Jonson,"  rephed  the 
other.  "  No,  no,"  quoth  his  lordship,  "  you 
cannot  be  Ben  Jonson  who  wrote  the  Silent 
Woman;  you  look  as  if  you  could  not  say  Bo  to 
a  goose."  "  Bo  1"  cried  Ben.  "  Very  well," 
said  my  lord,  who  was  more  pleased  at  the  joke 
than  offended  at  the  affront ;  "  I  am  now  con- 
vinced you  are  Ben  Jonson." 

The  Quack  Doctor. 

A  quack  doctor,  in  one  of  his  bills,  said  he 
could  bring  living  witnesses  to  prove  the  effi- 
cacy of  his  nostrum,  "  which  is  more,"  says  he, 
"  than  others  in  my  line  can  do." 

Charming  Condescension. 

On  one  occasion,  when  John  Kemble  played 
Hamlet  in  the  country,  the  gentleman  who 
acted  Guildenstern  was,  or  imagined  himself  to 
be,  a  capital  musician.  Hamlet  asks  him,  "  Will 
you  play  upon  this  pipe  .^"  "  My  lord,  lean- 
not."  "  I  do  beseech  you  .^"  '•  Well,  if  your 
lordship  insists  on  it,  I  shall  do  as  well  as  I 
can  ;"  and  to  the  confusion  of  Hamlet,  and  the 
great  amusement  of  the  audience,  he  played 
God  save  the  king. 


The  Miser. 

An  old  miser,  who  had  a  footman  that  had  a 
good  appetite,  and  ate  fast,  but  was  slow  when 
sent  on  a  message,  used  to  wish  that  his  ser- 
vant would  eat  with  his  feet,  and  walk  with  his 
teeth. 


232  humourist's  own  boos. 

Editorial  Dilemma. 

During  the  dead  season,  the  editor  of  a  coun- 
try paper  being  much  distressed  for  matter, 
ransacked  every  hole  and  corner  for  intelHgence, 
and,  after  having,  as  he  thought,  completed  his 
task,  sat  down  to  dinner  with  what  appetite 
he  might.  In  the  middle  of  it  he  was  interrupted 
by  the  entrance  of  his  familiar,  alias  '  the  de- 
vil,' demanding  "  more  copy!"  "  D — n  the  fel- 
low," "  more  copy!"  said  lie.  "  Why,  haveyou 
put  in  the  story  of  the  tremendous  mushroom 
found  in  Mr  Jones's  field  ?"  "  Yes,  sir."  "  And 
the  account  of  the  prodigious  crop  of  apples 
gathered  from  Mr  Timms's  tree?"  "  Yes,  sir." 
"  And  about  Mr  Thompson's  kitten  being  suck- 
led by  a  hedgehog."  ''  Yes,  sir." — "  And  Mr 
Smith's  dreadful  accident  with  his  one-horse 
chaise  as  he  passed  down  Holborn  Hill  ?" — 
"  Yes,  sir." — "  About  the  men  who  stole  the  corn 
out  of  the  stacks  in  the  farm  yard  ?"  "  Yes,  sir, 
it  is  all  up,  but  there  is  still  a  line  and  a  half 
wanting."  "  Then  add,"  said  he,  with  the  ut- 
most dignity,  "  that  they  most  au-da-ci-ous-ly 
took  and  threshed  it  out  on  the  premises.'" 

Ji  Dirty  Witness. 

A  German  gentleman,  in  the  course  of  a 
strict  cross-examination  on  a  trial  during  the 
Oxford  circuit,  was  asked  to  state  the  exact 
age  of  the  defendant.  "  Dirty,"  (thirty)  was 
the  reply,  "  And  pray,  sir,  are  you  his  senior, 
and  by  how  many  years  .^"  "  Why,  sir,  I  am 
dirtrj-two." 


humourist's  own  book.  233 


Epigravi. 

Your  comedy  I've  read,  my  friend, 
And  like  the  half  yon  piller'd  best; 

But  sure  the  drama  you  might  mend — 
Take  courage,  man  !  and  steal  the  rest. 

Duchess  of  Marlhoraugh. 

The  proud  duke  of  Somerset,  a  little  time 
before  his  death,  paid  a  visit  to  Sarah,  duchess 
of  Marlborough,  who  insisted  on  his  drinking 
with  her  a  glass  of  Tokay,  which  had  been  pre- 
sented to  her  husband  by  the  emperor.  He 
assented,  and  she  addressed  him  as  follows: — 
"iVIylord,  I  consider  your  grace  drinking  a 
glass  of  wine  with  me  as  a  very  high  honour, 
and  I  beg  leave  to  propose  two  healths,  the 
most  unpopular  iiuaginable,  and  which  nobody 
in  the  three  kingdoms  except  ourselves  would 
drink  :  Here  is  your  health  and  mine." 

Long  Pause. 

A  great  teller  of  stories  was  in  the  midst  of 
one  of  them,  at  his  evening  club,  when  notice 
was  brought  him  that  a  ship,  in  which  he  was 
going  to  the  West  Indies,  was  on  the  point  of 
sailing;  he  was  therefore  obliged  to  break  off 
abruptly.  But  on  his  return  from  Jamaica 
some  years  afterwards,  he  repaired  to  the  club, 
and,  taking  possession  of  his  old  seat  by  the 
fireside,  he  resumed  his  tale  :  "  Gentlemen,  as 
I  was  saying" — 


234  humourist's  own  book. 


Quackery. 

"  Ma'am,"  said  a  quack  of  Long  Island  to  a 
nervous  old  lady,  "  your  case  is  a  scrutunuturury 
complaint."  "  Pray,  Doctor,  what  is  that.?"  "  It 
is  the  dropping  of  the  nerves,  ma'am,  the  nerves 
having  fallen  in  the  pizarintum,  the  chist  be- 
comes morberous,  and  the  head  goes  tisarizen, 
tisarizen  !" — "  Ah  !  Doctor,"  exclaimed  the  old 
lady, "  you  have  described  my  feelings  exactly." 

Geyieral  Wolfe. 

General  Wolfe,  happening  to  overhear  a 
young  officer  talk  of  him  in  a  very  familiar 
manner,  as,  ''  Wolfe  and  I  drank  a  bottle  of 
wine  together,"  and  so  on,  appeared,  and  said, 
"  I  think  you  might  say  General  Wolfe." 
"  No,"  replied  the  subaltern,  with  a  happy  pre- 
sence of  mind,  "  did  you  ever  hear  of  General 
Achilles,  or  General  Julius  Caesar." 

Amendment  Amended. 

A  member  of  parliament  making  a  motion  to 
bring  in  a  bill  for  repairing  a  very  bad  road,  in 
a  particular  county,  another  member  stood  up 
and  said,  "  It  would  be  more  economical  to  pass 
an  act  for  making  it  navigable." 

Real  Danger. 

A  physician  being  sent  for  by  a  maker  of  uni- 
versal specifics,  grand  salutariums,  &xi.  ex- 
pressed his  surprise  at  being  called  in  on  an 


humourist's  own  book.  235 

occasion  apparently  trifling.  "Not  so  trifling 
neither,"  replied  the  quack;  "for,  to  tell  you 
the  truth,  I  have,  by  a  mistake,  taken  some  of 
my  own  pills." 

Professional  Blindness. 

Sir  Joshua  Reynolds  studied  originally  under 
Hudson,  an  English  portrait  painter,  who  be- 
stowed very  liberally  on  his  customers  fair  tie 
wigs,  blue  velvet  coats,  and  white  satin  waist- 
coats. He  afterwards  went  to  Italy,  where  he 
studied  three  years.  On  his  return,  he  hired  a 
large  house  in  Newport  Street,  and  the  first 
specimen  he  gave  of  his  abilities,  was  a  boy's 
head  in  a  turban,  richly  painted  in  the  style  of 
Rembrandt,  which  so  attracted  Hudson's  atten- 
tion, that  he  called  every  day  to  see  it  in  its 
progress  ;  and  perceiving,  at  last,  no  trace  of 
his  own  manner  left,  he  exclaimed,  "Really, 
Reynolds,  you  don't  paint  so  well  as  when  you 
left  England." 

Spealdng  Oysters. 

An  honest  Jonathan,  from  Berkshire,  on  his 
visit  to  the  metropolis,  was  wakened  one  night, 
by  hearing  the  cry  of"  Oyst'  buy  any  oysters  !" 
in  the  melifluous  tones  of  the  vendors  of  these 
luscious  shell  fish,  who  was  passing  under  the 
windows  of  the  hotel. 

A  noise  so  new  to  his  ear,  startled  him,  and 
he  aroused  his  room-mate  to  inquire  what  it 
meant.  "  They  are  only  oysters,"  replied  his 
fellow  lodger  pettishly. — "  Oysters!"  exclaimed 
Jonathan  in  astonishment,  "  oxidi  do  oysters  hol- 
lur  as  loud  as  that.?" 


236  humourist's  own  book. 


Counsellor  Dunning. 

Counsellor  Dunning  was  cross-examining  an 
old  woman,  who  was  an  evidence  in  a  case  of 
assault,  respecting  the  identity  of  the  defend- 
ant. "  Was  he  a  tall  man?"  says  he.  "Not 
very  tall ;  much  about  the  size  of  your  honour." 
''Was  he  well-looked?"  "Not  very;  much 
like  your  honour."  "Did  he  squint?"  "A 
little;  but  not  so  much  as  your  honour." 

George  I. 

King  George  I.  was  remarkably  fond  of  see- 
ing the  play  of  Henry  VIII.,  which  had  some- 
thing in  it  that  peculiarly  hit  the  taste  of  that 
monarch.  One  night  being  very  attentive  to 
that  part  of  the  play  where  the  king  commands 
Wolsey  to  write  circular  letters  of  indemnity 
into  every  part  of  the  country,  where  the  pay- 
ment of  certain  taxes  had  been  disputed,  and 
remarking  the  manner  in  which  the  minister 
artfully  communicated  these  commands  to  his 
secretary  Cromwell,  whispering  thus  : — 

'  Let  there  be  letters  writ  to  every  shire 

Of  the  lying's  grace  and  pardon :  the  grieved  Commons 

Hardly  conceive  of  me.    Let  it  be  noised, 

That  through  our  intercession  this  revokement 

And  pardon  comes — ' 

The  king  could  not  help  smiling  at  the  craft  of 
the  minister,  in  filching  from  his  master  the 
merit  of  the  good  action,  though  he  himself  had 
been  the  author  of  the  evil  complained  of;  and, 
turning  to  the  Prince  of  Wales,  (afterwards 
George  II.)  he  said,  "  You  see,  George,  a  min- 


humourist's  own  book.  237 

ister  will  be  a  minister  in  every  age  and  in 
every  reign." 

Richard  Cromwell. 

When,  in  1650,  Richard  Cromwell  succeeded 
his  father  Oliver  in  the  protectorship,  he  re- 
ceived addresses  from  all  parties  in  the  king- 
dom, filled  with  the  most  extravagant  profess- 
ions of  standing  by  him  with  their  lives  and 
fortunes,  at  the  very  moment  that  they  were 
plotting  his  destruction.  Richard  was  not  quite 
so  blind  to  all  this  as  the  world  imagined ;  for 
after  seven  months'  mock  government,  as  he 
was  giving  orders  for  the  removal  of  his  own 
furniture  from  Whitehall,  he  observed  with 
what  little  ceremony  they  treated  an  old  trunk, 
and  begged  of  them  to  move  it  more  carefully, 
"Because,"  added  he,  "it  contains  the  lives 
and  fortunes  of  all  the  good  people  of  England." 

Dr  South. 

Dr  South  begins  a  sermon  on  this  text, '  The 
wages  of  sin  is  death,'  as  follows  : — '•  Poor  wa- 
ges indeed,  that  a  man  can't  live  by." 

Severe  Retort. 

Soon  after  Lord  Sidney's  elevation  to  the 
peerage,  he  happened  to  observe  in  company, 
that  authors  were  often  very  ridiculous  in  the 
titles  they  gave.  "  That,"  said  a  gentleman 
present,  "  is  an  error  from  which  even  kings 
appear  not  to  be  exempt." 


238  humourist's  own  book. 


M's  Well. 

The  Captain  of  a  privateer  writing'  to  his 
owners  an  account  of  an  engagement,  felicitated 
them  on  the  general  safety  of  his  crew,  having 
liad  only  one  of  his  hands  shot  through  the  nose. 

Eccentric  Recommendation. 

Swift  once  gave  a  gentleman  of  very  good 
character  and  fortune,  a  letter  of  recommenda- 
tion to  Pope,  couched  in  the  following  terms  : — 
"  Dear  Pope,  though  the  little  fellow  that  brings 
this,  be  a  justice  of  peace,  and  a  member  of  our 
Irish  house  of  commons,  yet  he  may  not  be  al- 
together unworthy  of  your  acquaintance. 

Holiday. 

A  gentleman,  seeing  the  town-crier  of  Bris- 
tol one  market-day  standing  unemployed,  asked 
him  the  reason.  ''  O,"  repUed  he, "  I  can't  cry 
to-day,  my  wife  is  dead." 

Tlie  Blood  of  Cromwell. 

A  grand-daughter  of  Oliver  Cromwell,  who 
was  remarkable  for  her  vivacity  and  humour, 
being  in  company  at  Tunbridge  Wells,  a  gen- 
tleman, who  had  taken  great  offence  at  some 
sarcastic  remarks  she  had  made,  rudely  said,  to 
insult  her,  "  I  think,  madam,  you  would  hardly 
give  yourself  so  many  airs,  had  you  recollected 
that  your  grandfather  was  hanged."  To  which 
she  instantly  replied,  "  Yes,  sir ;  but  please  to 


humourist's  own  book.  239 

recollect,  he  was  not  hanged  till  after  he  was 
dead." 


Charles  II.  and  Rochester. 

King  Charles  II.  being  at  bowls,  and  having 
laid  a  bowl  very  near  the  jack,  cried  out,  '•  My 
soul  to  a  horse  hair,  nobody  beats  that."  '^  Lay 
odds,"  says  Rochester,  "  and  I'll  take  you." 

Dreadful  Ghost  Story. 

Communicated  to  the   Editor   of   the    United  States 
Gazette. 

Mr  Chandler— Little  did  1  think  when  I  last 
addressed  you,  that  it. would  so  soon  be  my  pain- 
ful duty  to  acquaint  you  with  one  of  the  most 
shocking  occurrences  ever  recorded  in  the  his- 
tory of  events.  My  flesh  yet  creeps,  and  the 
blood  yet  curdles  at  my  heart,  as  I  recall  the 
terrible  scene.  As  I  was  sitting,  last  evening, 
in  social  conversation  with  a  circle  of  friends, 
one  of  the  family,  who  had  been  absent  an  hour 
or  more,  came  in,  and  after  joining  in  the  most 
rational  and  cheerful  manner  in  our  chat  for  a 
short  time,  he  rose,  and  pleading  fatigue,  bade 
us  good  night. — Scarcely  an  instant  had 
elapsed,  before  we  heard  a  noise,  like  the  tramp- 
ling of  ten  horsemen  on  the  stairs, — the  door 
burst  open,  and  our  terrified  friend  .Col.  G. 
rushed  into  the  room.  The  candle  fell  from  the 
candlestick,  which  remained  firm  in  his  grasp — 
his  hair  stood  wildly  out — his  eyes  distended  to  a 
hideous  size,  and  his  pallid  lips  quivered  with 
excessive  emotion.  We  all  started  to  our  feet, 
and  when  we  could  command  utterance,  asked 


240  humourist's  own  book. 

with  one  voice  the  cause  of  his  intense  agita- 
tion ;  the  cold  sweat  ran  in  torrents  down  his 
forehead  and  cheeks,  and  his  contracted  mouth 
seemed  scarcely  able  to  move  the  rigid  muscles 
as  he  asked — "  Who  is  in  my  bed  ?"  "  In  your 
bed,"  exclaimed  my  respected  aunt  with  a  look 
of  dignity, — "  no  one— have  not  you  been  too 
high  up  and  got  into  the  servant's  room  ?"  "  No 
no!"  with  emphasis,  "  there  is  a  man  in  my  bed." 
"  Oh!"  said  I,  "  it  is  some  drunken  fellow  who 
has  got  in  by  mistake."  "  Why  Col."  said  S.  B. 
"you  look  awfully  frightened" — *'  If  you  had 
Been  what  I  did,  you  would  have  been  fright- 
ened too" — was  the  answer,  in  a  deep  sepulchral 
tone  broken  with  agony.  ^'  Good  Heavens!"  said 
Dr  M.  "  what  does  it  look  like?"  It  is  a  most 
^or-ri-ble  sight !"  said  Col.  G.  with  each  syllable 
frightfully  distinct.  He  then  proceeded  with 
something  more  of  calmness,  "  It  is  a  tremend- 
ous man,  with  the  countenance  of  a^end — livid 
complexion  like  death — hollow  cheeks  and  glar- 
ing fiery  eyes — I  spoke;  but  he  made  no  answer, 
only  opening  his  eyes  wider  and  wider,  and  fixing 
them  on  mine,  while  sparks  seemed  to  issue  from 
their  brightness."  We  all  shuddered  at  the  hor- 
rible picture,  and  after  some  hurried  exclama- 
tions of  suspense  and  horror,  we  agreed  to 
divide  forces.  My  aunt  and  I  were  to  stay  in 
the  parlour,  to  protect  the  lower  story — a  lady 
guest  of  strong  nerves,  was  to  remain  with  two 
sleeping  children,  and  their  mother,  on  the  sec- 
ond floor — and  the  three  gentlemen  were  to  pro- 
ceed to  the  scene  of  action,  to  rout  the  terrible 
intruder.  But  a  sound  as  of  an  army  with  ban- 
ners, came  down  the  stairway ;  and,  tumbling 
head  over  heels,  the  champions  re-appeared  in 


humourist's  own  book.  241 

a  miraculously  short  time — reporting  the  ap- 
pearance of  the  intruder  with  tenfold  additional 
horrors.  ''  He  has  black  mustachios — he  has 
crawled  up  there  and  is  dying — he  has  not  got 
any  legs  !"  exclaimed  S.  B.  '•  Let  us  call  the 
watch,"  said  Col.  G. — But  as  he  spoke,  in  came 
a  fourth,  one  of  the  efficient  members  of  the 
family — to  whom,  in  few  words,  the  facts  were 
related.  They  then  concluded,  after  much  de- 
bate, that  having  now  four  able-bodied  men, 
and  three  fearless  women,  they  would  not  call 
the  guardian  of  the  night,  until  it  should  appear 
necessary.  Thus  re-inforced  they  again  mount- 
ed, in  close  file,  and  marched  a  second  time  to 
the  door  of  the  haunted  room.  After  some  dis- 
pute about  the  etiquette  of  precedence,  it  was 
allowed,  that  as  the  affair  was  entirely  Col.  G.'s, 
common  politeness  gave  him  the  post  of  honour 
—in  the  van — and  he  entered,  holding  the  light 
in  one  hand,  and  the  door  in  the  other,  and  in  a 
voice  of  admirable  firmness  and  dignity,  said 
^^  Holla,  friend!"'  Thus  encouraged,  J.  F.  W. 
exclaimed,  "  Get  out  of  that !"  '*  You  have  got 
to  go  down  faster  than  you  came  up,"  added  S. 
B. — Still  the  fearful  visage  glared  fearfully  on 
them,  but  was  silent.  At  last,  with  one  almost 
superhuman  effort,  J.  F.  W,  (after  seeing  that 
the  path  to  the  stairs  was  unobstructed)  wound 
himself  up  to  a  sublime  pitch  of  moral  courage 
— leaned  forward  a.nd  turned  dozen  the  bedclothes! 
Awful  moment!  The  giant  head,  with  slow 
and  gradual  motion,  rolled  to  the  edge  of  the 
bed — balanced — and/e/Z  .'  .'  .' — It  was  a  wooden 
head  of  Escidapius ! ! !  C.  A.  S. 

P.  S.  TJie  parties  are  all  as  well  as  could  be 
expected  ;  it  is  hoped  that  the  health,  and  even 


242  humourist's  own  book. 

the  shattered  intellects  of  our  friend  Col.  G. 
may,  with  good  care,  be  restored — and  he  may 
yet  live  to  be  a  blessing  to  a  large  circle  of 
friends,  which  he  adorns  :  and  to  defend  the  lib- 
erties of  his  country  with  his  valiant  arm,  when- 
ever she  shall  need  that  defence. 


Dunning  Extraordinary. 

A  tradesman  pressing  a  gentleman  very  much 
for  payment  of  his  bill,  the  latter  said,  "  You 
need  not  be  in  so  great  a  hurry,  I  am  not  going 
to  runaway."  '*  I  do  not  imagine  you  are,  sir," 
returned  the  tradesman,  "  but  1  am." 

James  II.  and  Waller. 

King  James  II.  having  a  wish  to  converse 
with  Waller,  the  poet,  sent  for  him  one  after- 
noon, and  took  him  into  his  closet,  where  was 
a  very  fine  picture  of  the  Princess  of  Orange. 
The  king  asked  him  his  opinion  of  the  picture, 
on  which  Waller  said,  he  thought  it  extremely 
like  the  greatest  woman  that  ever  lived  in  the 
world.  "  Whom  do  you  call  so?"  said  the  king, 
"Queen  Elizabeth,"  replied  the  other.  *' I 
wonder,  Mr  Waller,"  said  the  king,  "  that  you 
should  think  so;  for  she  owed  all  her  greatness 
to  her  council,  and  that  indeed,  it  must  be  ad- 
mitted, was  a  wise  one."  ''Andprav,  sir," 
said  Waller,  "  did  your  majesty  ever  know  a 
fool  choose  a  wise  council?" 

Dr  Johnson. 
When  Dr  Johnson  vibited  the  University  of 


HCMOCKISTS  OWS  BOOS.  243 

St  Andrew's,  he  took  occasion  to  inquire  of  «iie 
of  the  professors  into  the  state  of  tJieir  funds, 
and  bein^  told  that  they  were  not  so  affluent  as 
many  of  their  neighbours,  ''  No  matter,"  said 
tlie  doctor  drily ;  perserere  in  the  plan  you 
have  formed,  and  you  will  get  rich  hf  degrees.^' 

Mardk  ^Politetuss. 

Complaisance  is  no  longer  confined  to  the 
poHte  circles.  A  captain  <tf  a  Te^el  was  latefy 
called  out  of  a  co£Eeehouse  at  Wapping  by  a 
waterman,  with  the  following:  address :  **  AjD't 
please  your  honour,  the  tide  is  waiting  fi>r  you." 

**  Let  there  be  lights"  was  commanded  befi»re 
we  were  ushered  into  this  breathing  world  and 
light  there  was.  So  it  was  at  aceHain  ball 
giren  lately  by  *  gas  light,'  at  a  certain  fiishion- 

able  hotel,     **  Miss ,"  said  a  gentleman, 

*'  allow  me  to  introduce  to  your  acquaintance, 

Mr : ' '  but  sudden  darkness  eame  OTer  the 

hall.  The  music  stopped — all  hvA  one  solitary 
fiddler,  who,  by  the  particulaT  request  oim,  wr 
lady,  struck  up,  "  Where  is  my  loyer,  or  where 
has  Iw  gone."  No  one  dared  to  move.  The 
manager  bid  some  one  strike  upon  the  bell; 
but  nmo  could  tell  where  the  beU  was  to  be 
fbuad  ?  Silence  was  commanded,  and  the  mas- 
ter of  the  dance  exelauned  i»«eteat(»ian  fwce, 
'*  Girc  mebutJ4^l,andAjaxask9nonMHe.'"  It 
had  the  desired  eSx-t — A»ajt  bad  Ii^ht.  and  the 
ball  went  on. 


244  humourist's  own  book. 


Hackney  Coachman. 
A  hackney  coachman,  after  putting  up  his 
horses  in  the  evening,  took  out  the  money  he 
had  received  during  the  day,  in  order  to  make 
a  division  between  his  master  and  himself. 
"  There,"  said  he,  "  is  one  shilling  for  master, 
and  one  for  me  ;"  and  so  on  alternately  till  an 
odd  shilling  remained.  Here  he  hesitated  be- 
tween conscience  and  self-interest,  when  the 
master,  who  happened  to  be  a  concealed  spec- 
tator, said,  "  I  think,  Thomas,  you  may  allow 
me  the  odd  shilling,  as  I  keep  the  horses." 

JVb  Reason  to  Remove. 
A  gentleman  dined  one  day  with  a  dull 
preacher.  Dinner  was  scarcely  over,  before 
the  gentleman  fell  asleep,  but  was  awakened 
by  the  divine,  and  invited  to  go  and  hear  him 
preach.  "  I  beseech  you,  sir,"  said  he,  "  to 
excuse  me  ;  I  can  sleep  very  well  where  I  am." 

Exclusive  Phimher. 
Holroyd,  king's  plumber,  stood  in  the  pit  of 
the  theatre  ,at  the  time  that  Hatfield  fired  at 
King  George  HI.,  and  it  was  reported,  that  by 
his  lifting  up  the  assassin's  arm  at  the  moment 
he  was  firing,  the  pistol  was  raised,  so  that  the 
ball  went  higher  than  the  box  his  majesty  was 
seated  in.  Some  one  observed,  that  "  This  was 
a  very  loyal  thing  in  the  plumber."  "Why, 
yes,"  replied  a  gentleman  present,  "  it  looks 
like  it;  but  the  motive  might  possibly  be  sel- 
fish ;  it  perhaps  arose  from  Ilolroyd  not  chocs- 


humourist's  own  book.  245 

ing  that  any  one  should  serve  the  king  with 
lead  except  himself." 

Charles  II. 

As  James  II,,  when  duke  of  York,  returned 
one  morning  from  hunting,  he  found  his  bro- 
ther Charles  in  Hyde  Park  without  any  attend- 
ants, at  what  was  considered  a  perilous  time. 
The  duke  expressed  his  surprise  at  his  majesty's 
venturing  alone  in  so  public  a  place,  at  so  dan- 
gerous a  period.  '^  James,"  replied  the  monarch, 
"  take  care  of  yourself,  and  I  am  safe.  No  man 
in  England  will  kill  we  to  make  you  king." 

Psalms. 

In  the  olden  times,  when  it  was  a  custom  in 
many  parts  of  New  England  to  sing  the  psalms 
and  hymns  by  '  deaconing'  them,  as  it  was 
called,  that  was,  by  the  deacon's  reading  each 
line  previous  to  its  being  sung ;  one  of  these 
church  dignitaries  rose  and  after  looking  at  his 
book  some  time,  and  making  several  attempts 
to  spell  the  words,  apologized  for  the  difficulty 
he  experienced  in  reading,  by  observing, 
"  My  eyes  indeed  are  very  blind." 

The  choir,  who  had  been  impatiently  waiting 
for  a  whole  line,  thinking  this  to  be  the  first  of 
a  common  metre  hymn,  immediately  sang  it. 
The  good  deacon  exclaimed,  with  emphasis, 

"  I  cannot  see  at  all." 
This,  of  course,  they  also  sung,  when  the  aston- 
ished pillar  of  the  church  cried  out, 

"  I  really  b'lieve  you  are  bewitched  I" 


a4b  HTTMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK. 

Response  by  the  choir,  "  I  really  b'lieve  you 
are  bewitched." — Deacon  : 

"  The  deuce  is  in  you  all !" 

The  choir  finished  the  verse  by  echoing  the  last 
line  and  the  deacon  sat  down  in  despair. 


Foote. 

Foote,  having  been  invited  to  dine  with  the 
duke  of  Leinster,  at  Dublin,  gave  the  following 
account  of  his  entertainment: — '*As  to  the 
splendour,  as  far  as  it  went,  I  admit  it,  there 
was  a  very  fine  sideboard  of  plate ;  and  if  a 
man  could  have  swallowed  a  silversmith's  shop, 
there  was  enough  to  satisfy  him;  but  as  to  all 
the  rest,  his  mutton  was  white,  his  veal  was 
red,  the  fish  was  kept  too  long,  the  venison  not 
kept  long  enough  :  to  sum  up  all,  every  thing 
was  cold,  except  his  ice;  every  thing  sour,  ex- 
cept his  vinegar." 

RefoTTnation. 

A  gentleman,  remarking  that  this  age  was 
infinitely  more  dissipated  and  licentious  than 
that  which  preceded  it,  an  old  ofHcer  took  upon 
himself  the  task  of  defending  it.  "  Sir,"  says 
he,  "  I  grant  we  get  drunk  as  completely  as 
our  fathers  ;  but  this  I  will  say,  that  I  have  not 
seen  a  wig  burnt  these  forty  years." 

Invisible  and  Incomprehensible. 

A  preacher,  whose  sermons  were  beyond  hu- 
man understanding,  was  wont  on  Saturday  to 
keep  unseen  by  any  one,  in  order  to  compose 


humourist's  own  book.  247 

sublime  discourses  for  next  day ;  on  which  a  wit 
observed,  that  the  doctor  was  invisible  on  Satur- 
day in  order  that  he  might  be  incomprehensible 
on  Sunday. 

Erskine  and  Jekyll. 

Mr  Erskine  one  morning  complained  to  Mr 
Jekyll  of  a  pain  in  his  bowels.  "  I  could  re- 
commend one  remedy,"  said  the  latter;  "but 
I  am  afraid  you  will  not  find  it  easy  to  get  at  it." 
"What  is  it?"  eagerly  rejoined  Mr  Erskine. 
"  Get  made  attornej'^-general,  and  then  you 
will  have  no  bowels  at  all." 

hish  Circumlocution. 

Observing  one  day  an  unusual  commotion  in 
the  streets  of  Derry,  I  inquired  of  a  bystander 
the  reason  ;  and  he,  with  a  mellifluous  brogue, 
replied  in  the  following  metaphorical  manner : 
— "  The  rason,  sir,  why  you  see  that  justice  and 
little  Larry  O'Hone,  the  carpenter,  have  been 
putting  up  a  picture  frame,  at  the  end  of  the 
strate  yonder,  and  they  are  going  to  hang  one 
of  Adam's  copies  in  it." — "What's  that? — 
Why,  poor  Murdock  O'Donnel."  "  Oh,  there's 
a  man  to  be  hung  ? — Do  they  put  up  a  gallows 
for  any  other  purpose  ?  "  What  is  his  offence  ? 
— "  No  offence,  your  honour,  it  was  only  a  lib- 
erty he  took."  "  Well,  what  was  the  liberty  ?" 
"  Whyyou  see,  sir,  poor  Murdock  was  in  delicate 
health,  and  his  physician  advised  that  he  should 
take  exercise  on  horseback  !  and  so,  having  no 
horse  of  his  own,  he  borrowed  one  from  Squire 
Doyle's  paddock !  and  no  sooner  was  he  on  its 


248  humourist's  own  book. 

shoulders,  than  the  Devil  put  it  into  the  creach- 
er's  head  to  go  over  to  Kellogreen  cattle  fair, 
where  he  had  a  good  many  acquaintances,  and 
when  he  got  there  Murdock  spied  a  friend  at 
the  door  of  a  shebeen  house,  and  left  the  ani- 
mal grazing  outside,  whilst  he  went  in  to  have 
a  thimbleful  of  whiskey  ;  and  then  you  see 
they  got  frisky,  and  had  another,  and  another, 
till  poor  Murdock  went  to  sleep  on  the  binch  ; 
and  when  he  woke  up,  he  found  the  creacher 
gone,  and  his  poket  stuffed  full  with  a  big  lump 
of  money."  "  In  short,"  said  I,  "  you  mean  to 
say  he  has  been  horse  stealing  ?" — "  Why,  sir," 
he  replied,  stammering  and  scratching  his  head, 
"  they  call  it  so  in  England." 

Good  Reason. 
A  certain  secretary  of  state,  being  asked  by 
an  intimate  friend,    why  he  did  not  promote 
merit,  aptly  replied,  "Because  merit  did  not 
promote  me." 

Johnson  and  Boswcll. 
Dr  Johnson  and  Boswell,  being  at  Bristol, 
were  by  no  means  pleased  with  their  inn. 
*'  Let  us  now  see,"  said  Boswell,  "  how  we 
should  describe  it."  Johnson  was  ready  with 
his  raillery.  *'  Describe  it,  sir  !  why,  it  was  so 
bad — so  very  bad,  that  Boswell  wished  to  be  in 
Scotland." 


Insurance. 

In  a  storm  at  sea,  when  the  sailors  were  all 
at  prayers,  expecting  every  moment  to  go  to 


humourist's  own  book.  249 

the  bottom,  a  passenger  appeared  quite  uncon- 
cerned. The  captain  asked  him  how  he  could 
be  so  much  at  his  ease  in  this  awful  situation. 
"  Sir,"  says  the  passenger,  *'  my  life  's  insured." 

Boswell  and  Johnson. 

Boswell  observing  to  Johnson  that  there  was 
no  instance  of  a  beggar  dying  for  want  in  the 
streets  of  Scotland,  "  I  believe,  sir,  you  are 
very  right,"  saj^s  Johnson;  "  but  this  does  not 
arise  from  the  \vant  of  beggars,  but  the  impossi- 
bility of  starving  a  Scotchman." 

Either  Way. 
'•  Will  you  have  me?"  said  a  young  man  to 
a  modest  httle  girl,     "  No,  John,"    said   she, 
"  but  you  may  have  me,  if  you  will." 

Co7ijuror  and  no  Conjuror. 

A  fellow,  who  went  about  the  country  play- 
ing slight  of  hand  tricks,  was  apprehended  and 
carriecTbefore  the  sapient  mayor  of  a  town,  who 
immediately  ordered  him  to  be  committed  to 
prison.  "  For  what?"  said  the  fellow.  "  Why, 
sirrah,  the  people  say  you  are  a  conjuror  !" 
''  Will  your  worship  give  me  leave  to  tell  you 
what  the  people  say  of  you?"  "  Of  me  ?  what 
dare  they  say  of  me,  fellow  ?"  '•  They  say  you 
are  no  conjuror," 

Benevolence  of  George  III. 

When  Lord  North  introduced  Dr  Robertson 
to  the  king,  his  majesty  made  many  inquiries 


250  HUMOURIST*S  OWN  BOOK. 

concerning  the  medical  professors  of  Edinburgh, 
and  the  state  of  the  college,  of  which  the  doc- 
tor was  principal.  Being  thus  taken  upon  his 
own  ground,  the  historian  expatiated  at  large 
with  gravity  and  decorum  on  the  merits  of  the 
Edinburgh  College ;  mentioned  the  various 
branches  of  learning  which  were  taught  in  it, 
the  number  of  students  that  flocked  to  it  from 
all  quarters  of  the  world;  and,  in  reply  to  his 
majesty's  particular  inquiries  concerning  it  as 
a  school  of  physic,  he  observed,  that  no  college 
could  boast  of  conferring  the  degree  of  physic 
on  so  many  gentlemen  as  that  of  Edinburgh  ; 
for  it  annually  sent  out  more  than  forty  physi- 
cians, besides  vast  quantities  of  those  who  exer- 
cised the  lower  functions  of  the  faculty,  as 
surgeons,  apothecaries,  &c.  "Heaven,"  ex- 
claimed the  king,  interrupting  the  doctor, 
"  Heaven  have  mercy  on  my  poor  subjects  1" 

Sir  John  Millicent. 

One  asked  Sir  John  Millicent,  a  man  of  wit, 
how  he  did  to  conform  to  the  grave  justices  his 
brethren,  when  they  met.  "  Indeed,"  answer- 
ed he,  *'  I  have  no  other  way  to  do,  than  to 
drink  myself  down  to  the  capacity  of  the 
bench." 


The  Fishmonger. 

A  gentleman  cheapening  fish  at  a  stall,  and 
being  asked  what  he  thought  an  unconscionable 
price,  exclaimed, — "Do  you  suppose  I  pick  up 
my  money  in  the  street.?"  "  No,  sir,"  replied 
the  vendor,  "  hut  J  do." 


humourist's  own  book.  251 


Reasonable  Fear. 

"  I  am  afraid  of  the  lightning,"  murmured  a 
pretty  woman,  during  a  thunder  storm.  "  Well 
you  may  be,"  sighed  a  despairing  adorer, 
"  when  your  heart  is  steel." 

Tlie  Blessings  of  Trial  by  Jury. 
A  juryman,  not  so  pliant  as  many,  was  re- 
peatedly singular  in  his  opinion,  but  so  deter- 
mined as  always  to  bring  over  the  other  eleven. 
The  judge  asked  him  once,  how  he  came  to  be 
so  fastidious?  "  My  lord,"  said  he,  "  no  man 
is  more  open  to  conviction  than  I  am  ;  but  I 
have  not  met  with  the  same  pliancy  in  others ; 
for  it  has  generally  been  my  lot  to  be  on  a  jury 
with  eleven  obstinate  men." 


The  Brewer. 

A  brewer  was  drowned  in  his  own  vat.  Mr 
Jekyll,  being  informed  of  the  circumstance, 
said,  that  the  verdict  of  the  jury  should  be, — 
•*  Found  floating  on  his  watery  bier.'" 

Lord  Shaftesbury. 

The  history  of  this  nobleman,  in  the  Bio^ra- 
phia  Briiannica,  is  a  mere  panegyric  on  him. 
A  bon  mot  of  himself  conveys  the  truest  idea  of 
his  character.  Charles  the  Second  said  to  him 
one  day,  "  Shaftesbury,  I  believe  thou  art  the 
wickedest  fellow  in  my  dominions."  He  bowed 
and  replied,  "  Of  a  subject,  sir,  I  believe  I  am." 


252  humourist's  own  book. 


Slave  Trade. 

Sir  John  Doyle  being  told  in  the  house  of 
commons,  by  those  interested  in  keeping  up 
the  slave  trade,  that  the  slaves  were  happy,  he 
said,  it  reminded  him  of  a  man  whom  he  hffl 
once  seen  in  a  warren,  sewing  up  the  mouth  of 
a  ferret :  he  remonstrated  with  the  man  upon 
the  cruelty  of  the  act,  but  he  answered, — *'  Lord, 
sir,  the  ferret  likes  it  above  all  things." 

Good  Repartee. 

A  gentleman,  says  a  late  London  paper, 
walking  past  Westminster  bridge,  inquired  how 
the  bridge  answered.  The  reply  was  ready  and 
witty — "  If  youll  step  to  the  gate  you'll  be 
tolVd. 

Kcio  Way  to  Pay  Old  Dchts. 

A  fire  happening  at  ,a  public  house,  a  man, 
passing  at  the  time,  entreated  one  of  the  firemen 
to  play  the  engine  upon  a  particular  door,  and 
backed  his  request  by  the  bribe  of  a  shilling. 
The  fireman  consequently  complied,  upon  which 
the  arch  rogue  exclaimed, — *'  You've  done  what 
I  never  could  do  :  for,  egad,  you've  liquidated 
my  score  !" 

J5r?/  ising  Ma  tch. 

A  provincial  paper,  giving  an  account  of  a 
bruising  match  between  two  men  of  the  names 
of  Ilili  and  Potter,  concluded  by  saying, — 
"  That  after  sixteen  rounds,  Hill  beat  his  an- 
tagonist holloio." 


humourist's  own  book.  253 


Smart  Report. 

Lord   B wore  his   whiskers   extremely 

large.  Curran  meeting  him,  "  Pray,  my  lord," 
said  he,  "  when  do  you  intend  to  reduce  your 
mJiiskers  to  the  peace  esttihUshment?'"  When 
you,  Mr  Curran,"  said  his  lordship,  *'  put  your 
tongue  upon  theciriZ  list.'' 

The  Rising  Generation. 

A  methodist  parson  observed,  in  one  of  his 
discourses,  that  '•  such  was  the  change  in  the 
public  manners  of  the  nation,  that  the  rising 
generation  rarely  lie  down  till  three  o'clock  in 
the  morninrr." 


Orthography. 

The  following  correspondence  occurred  lately  : 
— •  Mr  P.'s  compliments  to  Mr  Q.,  and  thinks  it 
unnecessary  his  piggs  should  go  tlirough  his 
ground.'  Whereupon  Mr  Q.  replied  thus ; 
'  Mr  Q.'s  compliments  to  Mr  P.,  and  thinks  it 
unnecessary  to  spell  pigs  with  two  gees.' 

Tlie  Miser's  Advice. 

The  following  advice  was  left  by  a  miser  to 
his  nephew  :  '  Buy  your  coals  in  summer  ; 
your  furniture  at  auctions,  about  a  fortnight 
after  quarter-day  ;  and  your  books  at  the  full  of 
the  leaf' 


254  humourist's  own  book. 


Advertisement. 

Some  years  ago,  there  appeared  in  the  Eng- 
lish papers  an  advertisement,  which  much  re- 
sembles our  notions  of  an  Irish  bull,  in  these 
words,  which  are  the  title  to  the  adver- 
tisement : — '  Every  man  his  own  washer-wO' 
man!' 


The  Worst  of  all  Crimes. 

An  old  offender  being  asked,  whether  he  had 
committed  all  the  crimes  laid  to  his  charge  ? 
answered, — "  I  have  done  still  worse — 1  suffer- 
ed myself  to  be  apprehended." 

Welsh  Tourists. 

A  Welsh  tourist,  among  many  oiher  judicious 
observations,  remarked,  that  the  mad-howBQ  of 
Lanark  was  in  a  very  crazy  state. 

Charity  known  by  its  Fruits. 

An  ill  natured  cynic  said  that  the  charity  of 
a  beneficent  neighbour  was  induced  by  a  wish 
to  be  extolled.  "  Aye,  sir,"  said  the  object  of 
the  charity,  ''  if  we  see  the  hands  of  the  clock 
go  right,  we  are  very  sure  that  the  mechanism 
inside  cannot  be  going  very  wrong." 

Selden. 

When  the  learned  John  Selden  was  a  mem- 
ber of  the  assembly  of  divines  at  Wesminster, 


HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK.  liOO 

who  were  appointed  to  new-model  religion,  he 
delighted  to  puzzle  them  by  curious  quibbles. 
Once  they  were  gravely  engaged  in  determin- 
ing the  exact  distance  between  Jerusalem  and 
Jericho  ;  and  oneof  tliem,  to  prove  it  could  not 
be  great,  observed,  "  Thoit  Jish  were  carried  from 
one  place  to  the  other."  On  which  Selden  ob- 
served, "  Perhaps  it  was  salt  fish  }"  which  again 
threw  the  assembly  into  doubt. 

Trade. 

A  gentleman  passing  Milford  churchyard,  a 
few  days  since,  observing  the  sexton  digging  a 
grave,  addressed  him  with — "  Well,  how  goes 
trade  in  your  line,  friend .'"'  "  Very  dead,  sir  !" 
was  the  reply. 

Sensibility. 

A  lady  who  had  pretensions  to  the  most  re- 
fined feelings,  went  to  her  butcher,  to  remon- 
strate with  him  on  his  cruel  practices.  "  How," 
said  she,  "  can  you  be  so  barbarous  as  to  put 
innocent  little  Iambs  to  death  .^"  "Why  not, 
madam?"  said  the  butcher;  "you  wouldn't 
eat  them  alive,  would  you?" 

Gratifijing  Reflection. 

An  English  baronet,  being  asked  when  he 
should  finish  his  house,  ingenuously  answered, 
*'  Sir,  it  is  a  question  whether  I  shall  finish  my 
house,  or  my  house  finish  me." 


256  humourist's  ow??  book. 


Lord  Clonmel. 

The  late  Lord  Clonmelj  who  never  thought 
of  demanding  more  than  a  shilling  for  an  affida- 
vit, used  to  be  well  satisfied  provided  it  was  a 
good  one.  In  his  time  the  Birmingham  shil- 
lings were  current,  and  he  used  the  following 
extraordinary  precaution  to  avoid  being  im- 
posed upon  by  taking  a  bad  one  : — "  You  shall 
true  answer  make  to  such  questions  as  shall  be 
demanded  of  you  touching  this  affidavit,  so  help 
you  God.  Is  this  a  good  shilling  ?  Are  the 
contents  of  this  affidavit  true  ?  Is  this  your  name 
and  hand  writing  ?  " 

Alderman  Wood. 

A  certain  alderman,  when  young,  was  thought 
clever  at  carving  figures  from  icood.  He  was 
asked  from  whence  he  copied  them.'*  "No 
where,"  said  the  worthy  dignitary;  "I  made 
'cm  all  out  of  my  own  head." 

Thus  Pallas  sprang  from  brains  of  Jove. 

Mathematical    Wind. 

One  morning,  after  a  tempestuous  night,  dur- 
ing which  several  trees  were  rooted  up.  Dr. 
Vince,  of  Cambridge,  met  a  friend,  who  said, 
"  Good  morning,  doctor  ;  a  terrible  wind  this  !" 
"  Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  doctor,  smiling  ;  ''quite 
a  mathematical  wind,  for  I  see  it  has  extracted 
several  roots  l'' 


humouuist's  own  book.  257 


Bon  Mot  of  George  IV. 

The  late  king,  when  prince  of  Wales,  attend- 
ing Lewes  races,  one  day,  when  a  drenching 
rain  kept  away  the  greater  part  of  the  expected 
attendants,  on  its  being  observed  how  few  of 
the  nobility  had  been  upon  the  course,  "  I  beg 
pardon,"  said  the  prince;  "  I  think  I  saw  a  very 
handsome  sprinkling  of  the  nobility." 

Welsh  Gentility. 

When  James  I.  was  on  the  road  near  Chester 
he  was  met  by  such  numbers  of  the  Welsh, 
who  came  out  of  curiosity  to  see  him,  that,  the 
weather  being  dry,  and  the  roads  dusty,  he  was 
nearly  suffocated.  He  was  completely  at  a  loss 
in  what  manner  to  get  rid  of  them  civilly;  at 
last  one  of  his  attendants,  putting  his  head  out 
of  the  coach,  said,  "It  is  his  majesty's  pleasure 
that  those  who  are  the  best  gentlemen  shall  ride 
forwards."  Away  scampered  the  Welsh,  and 
but  one  solitary  man  was  left  behind.  "  And 
so  sir,"  says  the  king  to  him,  "  you  are  not  a 
gentleman  then  .? "  "O  yes,  and  please  your 
majesty,  hur  is  as  good  a  shentleman  as  the 
rest;  but  hur  ceffyl  (horse),  God  help  hur,  is 
not  so  good." 

Bigger  than  London. 

A  Scotchman,  anxious,  as  usual,  to  exalt  the 
honour  of  his  native  land,  asserted  that  London 
was  by  no  means  the  biggest  town  in  Britain. 
"  It's  a  big  place,  I'll  allow,  mon,  but  in  my 


268  humourist's  own  book. 

over  with  earth  to  hide  your  bad  work." 
"Doctor,"  said  the  pavior,  "  mine  is  aot  the 
only  bad  work  the  earth  hides."  "  You  dog, 
you,"  said  the  doctor,  "  are  you  a  wit.?  You 
must  be  poor;  come  in  and  be  paid." 

Lord  Sandwich. 

Lord  Sandwich,  a  member  of  that  administra- 
tion which  carried  on  the  American  war,  though 
a  dignified  looking  nobleman  in  dress,  was  so 
ungainly  a  walker  in  the  street,  that  on  a  gen- 
tleman of  his  acquaintance  expressing  a  doubt 
whether  an  individual  at  a  distance  was  his  lord- 
ship or  not,  another  is  said  to  have  remarked, 
"  Oh  yes,  I  am  sure  it  is  Lord  Sandwich:  for,  if 
you  observe,  he  is  walking  down  both  sides  of 
the  street  at  once."  His  lordship  used  to  relate 
of  himself,  that,  having  once  taken  lessons  in 
dancing  at  Paris,  he  asked  the  professor,  at  the 
conclusion,  if  he  could  do  him  any  favour  in  his 
own  country;  to  which  the  man  replied,  bowing, 
"  I  should  take  it  as  a  particular  favour,  if  your 
lordship  would  never  tell  any  one  of  whom 
you  learned  to  dance." 

Old  Bailey  Wit. 

A  man  was  tried  for  stealing  a  pair  of  boots 
from  a  shop- door  in  Holborn,  with  which  he  ran 
away.  Jud^e,  to  shocmnker,  roho  had  pursued 
and  seized  the  jjrisoncr — "  Wliat  did  he  say 
when  you  caught  him  ?"  Witness — "  My  lord, 
he  said  he  took  the  boots  in  joke."  Judge — "And, 
pray, how  far  was  ho  off  when  you  caught  him.?" 
Witness — "  About  forty  yards,  please  your  lord* 


HUftlOURIST's  OWN  BOOK.  269 

ship."  Judge — "  I  am  afraid  this  is  carrying 
the  joke  too  far  ;"  and  he  condemned  the  pris- 
oner. 

Valuable  Evidence. 

In  a  case  of  assault,  where  a  stone  had  been 
thrown  by  the  defendant,  the  following  evidence 
was  drawn  out  of  a  Yorkshircman  !  "  Did  you 
see  the  defendant  throw  the  stone  ?"  "I  saw 
a  stone,  and  Fze  pretty  sure  the  defendant 
throwed  it."  "Was  it  a  largo  stone?"  "I 
should  say  it  wur  a  largish  stone."  "  What 
was  its  size  ?"  "  I  should  say  a  sizeable  stone." 
"  Can't  you  answer  definitively  how  big  it 
was?"  "  I  should  say  it  wur  a  stone  of  some 
bigness."  "  Can't  you  compare  it  to  some  other 
object  ?"  "  Why,  if  I  wur  to  compare  it,  so  as 
to  give  some  notion  of  the  stone,  I  should  say 
it  wur  as  large  as  a  lump  of  chalk." 

A  Good  Understanding. 

The  following  anecdote  is  related  in  the  John 
Bull,  an  English  publication  : — "  A  simple  fel- 
low in  the  country  being  informed  that  the 
Cabinet  were  united,  and  that  there  was  o.good 
nndcrstanding bcticccn  Lord  Grey,  Lord  Althorp, 
Lord  Durham,  and  Sir  Jas.  Graham,  said  that 
he  was  glad  to  hear  even  that — but  in  these 
times  he  thought  it  would  be  better  if  they  had 
a  good  understanding  a  piece ! 

Waterloo  Medal. 
A  Frenchman  sneered  at  a  British  soldier  for 


260  humourist's  own  book. 


Go  to  Brighton. 

A  poor  valetudinarian  was  recommended  to 
take  a  change  of  air  for  the  benefit  of  his  health. 
"  Go  to  Brighton,"  said  the  medical  man  ;  "  the 
air  of  Brighton  is  very  good  for  pectoral  com- 
plaints." "  But  very  had  for  pocket  complaints, 
is  it  not,  doctor.?"  replied  the  invalid. 

Out  of  Place. 

When  the  beau-monde  held  their  coteries, 
and  pitched  tents,  upon  the  leads  of  the  houses, 
it  was  referred  to  a  person,  who,  not  approving 
of  it,  said  that  it  was  making  too  great  an  en- 
croachment upon  the  cats. 

Curtailed. 

A  strapping  fellow  told  a  diminutive  man, 
that  he  was  "curtailed  of  man's  fair  proportion." 
"  If  you  will  just  step  out  on  the  green,"  said 
the  little  one,  "  you  shall  find  that  I  am  not  cur- 
heartcd,  although  lam  cur-tailed." 

A  Good  Mote. 

Sheridan  being  on  a  parliamentary  commit- 
tee, one  day  entered  the  room  as  all  the  mem- 
bers were  seated,  and  ready  to  commence  busi- 
ness ;  perceiving  no  empty  seat,  he  bowed,  and 
looking  round  the  table  with  a  droll  expression 
of  countenance,  said,  ''  Will  any  gentleman 
move  that  I  may  take  the  chair  f 


humourist's  own  book.  261 


Quizzical  hut  not  Quizzahh. 

As  a  party  of  youn^  men  from  the  city  were 
riding  a  few  days  since  through  Cambridge,  in 
New-England,  being  somewhat  vinous,  they 
amused  themselves  with  '  tricks  upon  travellers;' 
speering  at  them  odd  questions  and  laughing  at 
their  queer  answers.  The  sport  went  on  merrily 
until  one  of  them  asked  a  sober  citizen,  if  he 
would  "  have  the  goodness  to  inform  him  in  what 
State  they  were.^" — ''  State  of  intoxication"  was 
the  ready  reply  of  the  interrogated.  The  young 
men's  heads  bent  to  the  saddle  bows.  They  rode 
on,  satisfied  for  the  present,  that  there  was  no 
fun  in  quizzing. 

Fashionable  Dinner  Hour. 

Some  one  remarking  that  the  dinner  hour 
was  always  getting  later  and  later.  "  Ay," 
quoth  Sam  Rogers,  "  it  will  soon  end  in  our  not 
dining  till  to-morrow." 

Lord  Erskine. 

At  a  trial  about  an  engraving,  where  several 
distinguished  artists  were  summoned  to  givo 
evidence.  Lord  (then  Mr)  Erskine,  after  flour- 
ishing away,  made  an  attempt  to  puzzle  Mr 
Stothard,  by  drawing  two  angles  on  a  piece  of 
paper,  an  acute  and  an  obtuse  one,  and  asking, 
"  Do  you  mean  to  say  these  two  are  alike  .''" 
''  Yes,  I  do,"  was  the  answer.  "  I  see,"  said 
Erskine,  turning  round,  "  there  is  nothing  to 
be  got  by  angling  here." 


HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK. 


Smart  Repartee. 

An  officer  in  the  army,  being  entertained  at 
a  gentleman's  table  while  he  was  in  Scotland, 
happened  to  commend  very  highly  a  dish  of  fish. 
A  rigid  parson  of  the  kirk,  looking  upon  him  as 
a  reprobate  for  being  pleased  with  his  dinner, 
said,  "  While  you  pamper  the  flesh,  sir,  I  hope 
you  do  not  starve  the  inward  man  ;  the  soul  is 
not  fed  at  the  mouth,  and  you  ought  not  to  lust 
after  the  food  that  perisheth."  The  officer  was 
somewhat  surprised  at  this  sermon  in  miniature; 
but  perceiving  that  his  monitor  was,  like  sir 
John  Falstaff,  hugely  waisted,  he  replied,  with 
a  smile,  fixing  his  eyes  full  upon  the  preacher's 
protuberant  person,  "I  will  be  admonished  by 
your  example,  for  I  see  plainly  by  your  taber- 
nacle, that  your  food  does  not  perish."  He 
then  proceeded  to  exercise  his  knife  and  fork 
with  additional  vigour,  as  the  plump  kirk-man 
encouraged  him  by  his  actions  not  to  pay  any 
regard  to  his  words. 

The  Infernal  Machine. 

The  infernal  machine  exploded  in  the  streets 
of  Paris  after  Bonaparte's  carriage  had  passed, 
but  before  Josephine's  came  up;  which  being 
the  subject  of  conversation  in  a  miscellaneous 
company  in  England,  some  one  asked  what 
they  were  talking  of.  *'  Nothing  material,"  an- 
swered a  wit;  "only  a  hloio  up  between  the 
First  Consul  and  hia  wife." 


humourist's  own  book.  263^ 


Anecdote  from  Corinne. 

It  was  announced  at  Bologna,  that  an  eclipse 
of  the  sun  would  take  place  at  a  certain  hour  ; 
and  before  the  specified  time,  the  people  assem- 
bled in  crowds  at  the  public  places  to  see  it. 
Being  impatient  at  the  delay,  they  called  loudly 
for  its  approach,  as  for  an  actor  who  had  caused 
them  to  av/ait  his  coming  on  the  stage.  At 
length  the  expected  moment  arrived — but  the 
day,  which  was  cloudy,  preventing  a  very  strik- 
ing eiFcct — the  multitude,  finding  the  sight  did 
not  answer  their  idea  of  it,  began  loudly  to  hiss  ! 

Attention. 

A  gentlemTjn  of  Cork  ordered  his  man  to  call 
him  up  at  six  o'clock ;  but  he  awaked  him  at 
four.  Being  asked  the  reason,  he  replied,  "He 
came  to  tell  him  he  had  two  hours  longer  to 
sleep," 

j3  Friendly  Wish. 

Two  Irishmen  one  day  meeting ;  "  I  am  very 
ill,  Pat,"  said  one,  rubbing  his  head.  <'  Then," 
replied  the  other,  "  I  hope  you  may  keep  so— 
for  fear  of  being  worse." 

Conjectural  Knoicledge. 

The  following  brief,  but  pithy  dialogue  oc- 
curred on  the  Epsom  road  between  a  Cockney 
and  a  countryman  : — 

Cockney.  I  say,  Bill,  my  good  fellow,  vichis 
the  way  to  Epsom? 


264  humourist's  own  book. 

Countryman.  How  did  you  know  that  my 
name  was  Bill  ? 

Cockney.     Vy,  I  guessed  it. 

Countryman.  But  how  did  you  know  that 
I  was  a  good  fellow  ? 

Cockney.     Vy,  I  guessed  it. 

Countryman.  Then  guess  the  w^ay  to  Ep- 
som. 


Proof. 

A  woman,  suspected  of  having  given  poison 
to  her  husband,  was  apprehended  by  the  con- 
stable. The  man  certainly  looked  very  ill ;  yet, 
as  there  was  no  direct  proof,  and  as,  above  all 
things,  he  had  not  died,  there  was  still  some 
probability  in  her  favour.  Mr  Constable  was 
sadly  puzzled  between  the  pro  and  con ;  and 
was  at  last  fairly  driven  from  the  field  by  the 
following  appeal  from  the  weeping  lady  : — "  I 
never  gave  him  any  thing  to  hurt  him  ;  only 
open  him  ;  and  you  will  see  how  false  it  is  !' 

James  the  Second's  Single  Good  Tiling. 

There  is  but  one  instance  on  record  of  James 
II.  uttering  an  expression  of  wit  or  humour  ; 
and,  strange  to  say,  that  would  appear  to  have 
been  expressed  from  him  by  the  weight  of  his 
sorrows  at  the  Revolution.  During  the  advance 
of  the  prince  of  Orange  towards  London,  as, 
morning  after  morning,  some  loading  man  or 
other  was  found  to  have  left  the  king's  camp 
during  the  night,  and  gone  over  to  the  libera- 
tor, the  prince  of  Denmark  used  to  exclaim,  as 
each  successive  instance  was  related  to  his  ma- 


humourist's  own  book.  265 

jesty,  "  Est  il  possible  ?"  (Is  it  possible  ?)  as^ 
if  he  could  not  believe  there  was  so  much  trea-' 
chery  in  human  nature.  At  length,  the  good 
prince  of  Denmark  found  it  necessary,  with  his 
wife  Anne,  to  follow  the  example  of  those  well 
principled  persons  -.  James  remarked,  when  told 
of  it  in  the  morning,  "  What!  is  Est-il-possible 
gone  too  ?" 

Female  Courage. 

With  respect  to  courage,  the  author  of '  L'Ap- 
ologie  de  beau  sexe,'  relates  a  story,  which,  if 
true,  has  seldom  been  equalled  by  man.  A 
servant  girl  of  Lisle,  remarkable  for  her  fearless 
disposition,  laid  a  wager  that  she  would  go  into 
a  charnel-house  at  midnight,  with  a  light,  and 
bring  from  thence  a  dead  man's  skull.  Accord- 
ingly at  the  appointed  time  she  went ;  but  the 
person  with  whom  she  made  the  bet,  intending 
to  terrify  her,  had  gone  before,  and  hid  himself 
in  the  place.  When  he  heard  her  descend  and 
take  up  the  skull,  he  called  out  in  a  hollow  dis- 
mal voice,  "Leave  me  my  head  !"  'The  girl, 
instead  of  discovering  any  symptoms  of  horror 
or  fright,  very  coolly- laid  it  down  and  said, 
"  Well,  there  it  is  then,"  and  took  up  another  : 
upon  which  the  voice  repeated,  "Leave  me  my 
head  !"  But  the  heroic  girl,  observing  it  was 
the  same  voice  that  had  called  before,  answered 
in  her  country  dialect, — "  Nae,  nae,  friend,  yo 
canna  ha'  twa  heads  !" 


Dr  Friend. 
Dr  Friend,  coming  homo,  after  having  got 


266  HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK. 

himself  highly  praised  at  a  dinner  party,  was 
called  out  to  see  a  lady  taken  dangerously  ill. 
With  some  difficulty  he  went,  or  rather  was  led, 
to  the  bedside  of  the  patient;  where,  holding 
fast  by  a  bed-post  with  one  hand,  he  seized  with 
the  other  the  lady's  wrist ;  but  all  attempts  to 
note  the  pulsations  were  vain,  and  he  could  only 
mumble  out,  "Drunk,  by  Jove!  Drunk!" 
"  Oh,  madam,"  cried  the  waiting-maid,  as  soon 
as  the  physician  was  gone,  "  what  a  wonderful 
man  !  How  soon  he  discovered  what  was  the 
matter  with  you !" 

Sir  Richard  Jebb. 

This  eminent  physician  was  a  man  of  impa- 
tient, irritable  temper,  and,  when  bored  with 
the  querulous  complaints  of  some  of  his  patients, 
could  hardly  ever  force  himself  to  return  a  civil 
answer.  Sometimes  his  irritability  led  him 
to  explode  in  a  furious  anathema,  mingled 
with  horrible  oaths ;  sometimes  he  assumed  a 
tone  of  quiet  but  severe  sarcasm.  A  trouble- 
some patient,  who  only  fancied  himself  ill,  pes- 
tered him  one  day  with  inquiries  as  to  what  he 
should  eat.  "  My  directions  on  that  point," 
said  sir  Richard,  "  will  be  few,  and  simple  : 
you  must  not  eat  the  shovel,  poker  or  tongs, 
for  they  are  hard  of  digestion  ;  nor  the  bellows, 
for  they  are  windy;  but  any  thing  else  you 
please !" 

Best  Upper  Leather. 
The  following  sound  advice  occurs  in  an  al- 
manac : — '  If  you  wish  to  have  a  shoo  of  dura- 


humourist's  own  book.  267 

ble  materials,  you  should  make  the  upper  lea- 
ther of  the  mouth  of  a  hard-drinker  >  for  that 
never  lets  in  water.' 


Dccdalus. 

A  fellow  once  brought  a  vast  number  of  peo- 
ple together  in  London,  by  giving  out,  that  on 
a  certain  day,  he  would  fly  over  Westminster 
Hall  in  the  manner  of  Icarus.  Oneof  the  crowd, 
waiting  for  this  sight  on  Westminister  Bridge, 
inquired  of  a  neighbour,  "  Pray,  who  was  Ica- 
rus ?"  to  which  the  reply  was,  "The  son  of 
Diddle-us,  I  believe." 

Jtn  Anonymous  Letter. 

An  affectation  of  knowledge  is  always  worse 
than  an  acknowledgement  of  actual  ignorance. 
A  person  lately  called  on  a  friend  to  complain 
of  a  letter  which  he  had  received,  containing 
matter  by  no  means  complimentary.  "  Do  you 
know  zcho  has  addressed  this  letter  to  you.?" 
said  his  friend.  "  No,"  was  the  answer.  "  Then 
it  was  anonymous,  I  suppose."  *'  Yes, "replied 
the  insulted  party,  with  the  most  imperturbable 
gravity, "  very  anonymous  indeed,  I  assure  you." 

Dr  Radcliffe. 

Dr  Radcliffe  was  avaricious,  and  would  ne- 
ver pay  his  bills  without  much  importunity.  A 
pavior,  af\er  many  fruitless  attempts,  caught 
him  as  he  was  going  out  in  his  chariot.  "  Why, 
you  rascal,"  said  the  doctor,  "  do  you  pretend 
to  be  paid  for  such  a  piece  of  work  .?  Why,  you 
have  spoiled  my  pavement,  and  then  covered  it 


268  humourist's  own  book. 

over  with  earth  to  hide  your  bad  work." 
"  Doctor/'  said  the  pavior,  "  mine  is  aot  the 
only  bad  work  the  earth  hides."  "  You  dog, 
you,"  said  the  doctor,  "  are  you  a  wit.-"  You 
must  be  poor;  come  in  and  be  paid." 

Lord  Sandwich. 
Lord  Sandwich,  a  member  of  that  administra- 
tion which  carried  on  the  American  war,  though 
a  dignified  looking  nobleman  in  dress,  was  so 
ungainly  a  walker  in  the  street,  that  on  a  gen- 
tleman of  his  acquaintance  expressing  a  doubt 
whether  an  individual  at  a  distance  was  his  lord- 
ship or  not,  another  is  said  to  have  remarked, 
"  Oh  yes,  I  am  sure  it  is  Lord  Sandwich:  for,  if 
you  observe,  he  is  walking  down  both  sides  of 
the  street  at  once."  His  lordship  used  to  relate 
of  himself,  that,  having  once  taken  lessons  in 
dancing  at  Paris,  he  asked  the  professor,  at  the 
conclusion,  if  he  could  do  him  any  favour  in  his 
own  country;  to  which  the  man  replied,  bowing, 
'*  I  should  take  it  as  a  particular  favour,  if  your 
lordship  would  never  tell  any  one  of  whom 
you  learned  to  dance." 

Old  Bailey  Wit. 

A  man  was  tried  for  stealing  a  pair  of  boots 
from  a  shop- door  in  Holborn,  with  which  he  ran 
away.  Judge,  to  shoemaker,  who  had  pursued 
and  seized  the  prisoner — "  What  did  he  say 
when  you  caught  him  ?"  Witness — "  My  lord, 
he  said  he  took  the  boots  in  joke."  Judge — "And, 
pray, how  far  was  he  off  when  you  caught  him.?" 
Witness — "  About  forty  yards,  please  your  lord* 


humourist's  own  book.  269 

ship."     Judge — "  I  am  afraid  this  is  carrying 

the  joke  too  far;"  and  he  condemned  the  pris- 
oner. 


Valuable  Evidence. 

In  a  case  of  assault,  where  a  stone  had  been 
thrown  by  the  defendant,  the  following  evidence 
was  drawn  out  of  a  Yorkshireman  !  "  Did  you 
see  the  defendant  throw  the  stone  ?"  "I  saw 
a  stone,  and  I'ze  pretty  sure  the  defendant 
throwed  it."  "Was  it  a  large  stone?"  "I 
should  say  it  wur  a  largish  stone."  "  What 
was  its  size  ?"  "  I  should  say  a  sizeable  stone." 
"  Can't  you  answer  definitively  how  big  it 
was?"  "  I  should  say  it  wur  a  stone  of  some 
bigness."  "  Can't  you  compare  it  to  some  other 
object  ?"  "  Why,  if  I  wur  to  compare  it,  so  as 
to  give  some  notion  of  the  stone,  I  should  say 
it  wur  as  large  as  a  lump  of  chalk." 

A  Good  Understanding. 

The  following  anecdote  is  related  in  the  John 
Bull,  an  English  publication  : — "  A  simple  fel- 
low in  the  country  being  informed  that  the 
Cabinet  were  united,  and  that  there  was  a.good 
understanding heticcen  Lord  Grey,  Lord  Althorp, 
Lord  Durham,  and  Sir  Jas.  Graham,  said  that 
he  was  glad  to  hear  even  that — but  in  these 
times  he  thought  it  would  be  better  if  they  had 
a  good  understanding  a  piece ! 

Waterloo  Medal. 
A  Frenchman  sneered  at  a  British  soldier  for 


270  humourist's  own  book. 

wearing  a  Waterloo  medal,  a  thing  which  did 
not  cost  the  English  government  three  francs. 
"  It  may  have  cost  the  English  government 
only  three  francs,"  said  the  soldier;  "but  it 
cost  the  French  a  JVapoleon  besides." 

Bold  Reply. 
James  the  Second,  who  so  seldom  said  a  good 
thing,  one  day  said  a  very  ill-bred  one.  He  de- 
clared, in  the  midst  of  his  courtiers,  that  "  he 
had  never  known  a  modest  man  make  his  way 
at  court."  To  this  observation,  one  of  the  gen- 
tlemen present  boldly  replied,  "  And,  please 
your  majesty,  whose  fault  is  that  ?"  The  king 
was  struck,  and  remained  silent. 

A  Good  Sort  of  Man. 

"  Pray,"  said  a  lady  to  Foote,  "  what  sort  of 
man  is  Sir  John  D.  ?"  "  Oh  !  a  very  good  sort 
of  man."  "  But  what  do  you  call  a  good  sort 
of  man .?"  "  Why,  madam,  one  who  preserves 
all  the  exterior  decencies  of  ignorance." 

Instinct  of  a  Bird. 

A  gentleman,  the  front  of  whose  house  was 
shaded  by  trees,  used  everyday  to  watch  the  ac- 
tions of  a  small  bird  whose  nest  he  could  easily 
distinguish  among  the  foliage  of  a  projecting 
branch.  The  young  birds  in  process  of  time 
fledged  their  wings,  and  flew  from  branch  to 
branch  in  imitation  of  their  parent,  until  they 
left  the  tree  and  winged  their  flight  fearlessly 
through  the  air.    The  mother  frequently  fol- 


humourist's  own  nooK.  271 

lowed  them  in  their  flight,  but  generally  re- 
mained near  the  tree,  and  endeavoured  by  every 
means  to  entice  them  back,  but  the  young 
truants  having  found  use  of  their  pinions,  soon 
left  her,  and  nothing  more  was  heard  of  them. 
What  most  surprised  the  gentleman  was  that  the 
mother  should  still  inhabit  the  tree,  frequently 
alighting  upon  the  ground  and  picking  up  worms 
or  crumbs,  which  she  bore  to  the  nest.  Day  after 
day  passed,  and  still  her  occupation  was  the 
same,  and  she  seldom  if  ever  went  out  of  sight 
of  the  tree.  At  length  curiosity  prompted  the 
gentleman  to  ascertain  the  cause  of  such  strange 
conduct  on  the  part  of  the  bird.  He  accordingly 
had  the  nest  taken  down.  It  contained  a  bird 
fully  feathered,  which  in  vain  essayed  to  fly 
from  the  place  of  its  birth.  On  closer  examina- 
tion, it  was  found  that  the  leg  of  the  little  pris- 
oner was  closely  entangled  in  some  horse-hair 
which  lined  the  interior  of  the  nest.  When 
freed  it  was  unable  to  fly,  though  its  wings 
were  perfectly  fledged. 

Time  at  Royal  Discretion. 

The  great  have  always  been  flattered  ;  but 
never  was  adulation  carried  farther  than  on  the 
part  of  a  lady  of  honour  to  Queen  Anne.  The 
queen  having  asked  her  what  the  time  was, 
"  Whatever  time  it  may  please  your  majesty," 
was  the  reply. 

Unpleasant  Compliment, 

Mr  Pitt  being  in  company  with  the  late 
Duciiess  of  Gordon,  who  spoke  theScotcli  dia- 


272  humourist's  own  book. 

lect  in  the  broadest  manner,  she  told  him  that 
some  of  her  family  had  gone  to  France,  and 
was  asked  by  liim  why  she  was  not  of  tlie  party. 
She  said,  in  answer,  "  That  it  was  very  awk- 
ward to  be  in  a  country,  and  not  know  the  lan- 
guage." '' Why,"  said  Mr  Pitt,  "  your  grace 
has  not  found  any  such  inconvenience  in  Eng- 
land." 


Paint. 

The  old  duchess  of  Bedford,  if  born,  as  she 
herself  once  declared,  .before  nerves  came  in 
fashion,  had  not  at  least  been  born  before  it 
was  fashionable  to  paint.  Her  grace  was,  in- 
deed, notoriously  addicted  to  rouge,  which  she 
used  in  uncommon  quantities.  Lord  North  one 
day  asked  George  III.  when  his  majesty  had 
seen  the  old  lady  ?  The  king  replied,  "  He  had 
not  seen  her  face,  nor  had  any  other  person,  he 
believed,  for  more  than  twenty  years." 

Condescension  in  Love. 

When  Dr  Johnson  courted  Mrs  Porter,  he 
told  her  he  was  of  mean  extraction ;  had  no  mo- 
ney ;  and  had  an  uncle  hanged  !  The  lady,  by 
way  of  reducing  herself  to  an  equality  with  him, 
replied,  that  she  had  no  more  money  than  him- 
self ;  and  that,  although  she  had  not  a  relation 
hanged,  she  had  fifty  who  deserved  hanging. 
And  thus  was  accomplished  this  singular  amour. 

Intelligence  of  Birds. 
A  gentleman,  residing  in  Catskill,  relates  the 


humourist's  own  book.  273 

following  : — A  son  of  his,  in  the  early  part  of 
llie  season,  put  up  a  cage  in  his  garden,  intended 
for  the  blue  bird.  Soon  after  it  was  completed, 
a  pair  of  wrens  paid  it  a  visit,  and  being  pleased 
with  the  tenement,  took  possession  and  com- 
menced building  a  nest.  Before,  however,  the 
nest  was  completed,  a  pair  of  blue  birds  arrived, 
laid  claim  to  the  cage,  and  after  a  hard  battle, 
succeeded  in  ousting  the  vv^rens,  and  forthwith 
completed  the  nest  on  a  plan  of  their  own. 
But  the  male  wren  was  a  bird  of  spirit,  and  not 
disposed  to  submit  tamely  to  the  injury.  Some 
days  after,  watching  his  opportunity  when  his 
antagonist  was  away,  he  entered  the  cage,  and 
commenced  rolling  the  eggs  out  of  the  nest. 
He  had  thrown  out  but  one,  when  the  bluebird 
discovered  him,  and  with  loud  cries,  made  an 
immediate  attack.  The  wren  sought  safety  in 
a  neighbouring  currant  bush,  and  by  his  activity 
in  dodging  about  among  the  branches  and  on 
the  ground,  succeeded  in  eluding  his  enraged 
adversary.  The  blue  bird  gave  up  the  chase, 
and  returned  to  examine  the  condition  of  his 
nest.  The  egg  had  luckily  fallen  on  a  soft  bed, 
and  was  not  broken.  After  a  careful  examina- 
tion, he  took  it  in  his  claws  and  returned  it 
safely  to  the  nest. 

Veracity. 
A  gentleman  in  company  with  Mr  C.  Bannis- 
ter, boasted  that  he  had  destroyed  five  hundred 
men  with  his  own  liands.  "  Sir,"  said  Charles, 
"  I  have  killed  a  few  in  my  time  also — let  me 
see ;  five  at  Madrid,  ten  at  Lisbon,  twenty  at  Pa- 
ris, thirty  at  Vienna,  and  double  the  number  at 
s 


274  humourist's  own  book. 

the  Hague.  At  length,  coming  over  from  Calais 
to  Dover,  I  had  scarce  disembarked,  when  a 
desperate  fellow  of  an  Irishman  killed  me." 
*' Killed  you!"  said  Munchausen;  "what  do 
you  mean  by  that?"  "Sir,"  replied  the  wit, 
"  I  did  not  dispute  your  veracity,  and  why 
should  you  question  mine.''" 

Take  Advice. 

An  old  gentleman,  who  used  to  frequent  the 
Chapter  coffeehouse,  being  unwell,  thought 
he  might  steal  an  opinion  concerning  his  case  ; 
accordingly,  one  day  he  took  an  opportunity  of 
asking  Dr  Buchan,  who  sat  in  the  same  box 
with  him,  what  he  should  take  for  such  a  com- 
plaint .?  "  I'll  tell  you,"  says  the  Doctor — "  you 
should  take  advice.'' 


Difference  hciivecn  Literal  and  Literary. 

During  the  institution  of  a  society  in  Liver- 
pool, for  the  purpose  of  literary  improvement, 
a  gentleman  of  strong  body,  but  of  slender  wit, 
applied  to  be  admitted  a  member  ;  "  I  think," 
said  he  to  the  president,  "  I  must  certainly  be 
a  vast  acquisition  to  a  society  of  this  kind,  as  I 
am  undoubtedly  di great  man,  in  the  literal  sense 
of  the  word?"  "True,"  replied  the  other; 
"  but  I  am  afraid  you  are  but  a  little  man  in  the 
literary  sense  of  the  word." 

Pure  English. 

The  English  ambassador  demanded  of  Louis 
XIV.  the  liberation  of  the  protestants  who  had 


humourist's  own  book.  275 

been  condemned  to  the  galleys  on  account  of 
their  religion.  ''  What  would  the  king  of  Great 
Britain  say  if  I  asked  him  to  liberate  the  prison- 
ers in  Newgate  ?"  "  Sire,"  replied  the  ambass- 
ador, "  The  king,  my  master,  would  grant  your 
majesty's  request  if  you  reclaimed  them  as  your 
brethren." 


A  Teacher. 

A  teacher  one  day  endeavouring  to  make  a 
pupil  understand  the  nature  and  application  of 
the  passive  verb,  said  to  him,  '•  A  passive  verb 
expresses  the  receivincr  of  an  action,  as, 
Peter  is  beaten  !  now  what  did  Peter  do  ?"  The 
numskull  paused  a  moment,  and  scratching  his 
head  by  way  of  aiding  thought,  with  the  grav- 
est countenance  imaginable,  replied,  '*  Well  I 
don't  know,  without  he  hollered .'" 

Proof  of  Sanity. 

Sir  Theodore  Mayerne,  physician  to  king 
James  I.  and  who  made  an  immense  sum  by 
his  practice,  was  once  consulted  by  a  friend, 
who  laid  two  broad  pieces  of  gold  upon  the  ta- 
ble (six  and  thirties),  and  sir  Theodore  put 
them  into  his  pocket.  The  friend  was  hurt  at 
his  pocketing  such  a  fee ;  but  sir  Theodore 
said  to  him,  "I  made  my  will  this  morning, 
and,  if  it  should  appear  that  I  refused  a  fee,  I 
might  be  deemed  no7i  compos." 

But ! 
In  a  case  of  assault,  where  an  eminent  brewer 


27C  humourist's  own  book. 

was  concerned,  the  following  ingenious  argu- 
ment was  stated  in  the  pleadings  to  have  been 
used  by  that  individual :  '*  If  there  be  any 
charge  made  against  the  beer,  rehutt  it."  It 
was  this  clench  in  jest,  which  led  to  the  assault 
in  earnest ;  so  that  neither  your  if  nor  your  hut 
is  a  certain  peacemaker. 

Legal  Advice. 

''  Sir,"  said  a  barber  to  an  attorney  who  was 
passing  his  door,  "  will  you  tell  me  if  this  is  a 
good  seven  shilling  piece  ?"  The  lawyer,  pro- 
nouncing the  piece  good,  deposited  it  in  his 
pocket,  adding,  with  great  gravity,  "  If  you'll 
send  your  lad  to  my  office,  I'll  return  the  four- 
pence." 

Competition  of  Wonders. 

Several  gentlemen  at  a  party  contested  the 
honour  of  having  done  the  most  extraordinary 
thing.  A  reverend  DD.  was  appointed  to  be 
judge  of  their  respective  pretensions.  One  pro- 
duced his  tailor's  bill,  with  a  receipt  attached  to 
it ;  a  cry  went  through  the  room,  that  this  would 
not  be  outdone  ;  when  a  second  proved  that  he 
had  arrested  his  tailor  for  money  lent  to  him. 
The  palm  is  his,  was  the  universal  outcry;  when 
a  third  observed,  "  Gentlemen,  I  cannot  boast  of 
the  feats  of  either  of  my  predecessors;  but  I  have 
returned  to  the  owners  two  umbrellas  that  they 
had  left  at  my  house."  "  I'll  hear  no  more," 
cried  the  arbiter ;  "  this  is  the  very  ncphis  ultra 
of  honesty  and  unheard  of  deeds  ;  it  is  an  act  of 


humourist's  own  book.  277 

virtue  of  which  I  never  before  knew  any  per- 
son capable  :  the  prize  is  yours." 

Rats. 

"  Dick,  what  are  you  about  there  ?"  said  a 
gentleman  to  his  servant  whom  he  saw  loitering: 
about  the  barn.  "  Catching  rats,  sir  !"  "  And 
how  many  rats  have  you  caught  ?"  ''  Why,  sir, 
when  I  get  the  one  I'm  after  now  and  another 
one,  it  will  make  two  !" 

Lord  Peterborough. 

The  eccentric  lord  Peterborough,  though  one 
of  the  most  brilliant  of  modern  military  charac- 
ters, was  overshadowed  by  the  duke  of  Marl- 
borough. On  a  temporary  return  from  Spain, 
where  he  was  commanding,  he  found  all  his 
projects,  proposals  and  recommendations  taken 
by  the  ministry  ad  referendum,  which  disgusted 
him  so  much,  that  he  threw  himself  into  a 
sedan  chair  to  return  home,  and  drawing  the 
curtains  all  round,  sat  indulging  his  own  mo- 
rose thoughts.  As  he  was  passing  the  streets, 
the  populace  took  up  an  idea  that  he  was  the 
rival  general,  and  gathered  round  crying,  "God 
bless  the  duke  of  Marlborough  !  God  bless  the 
duke  of  Marlborough  !"  "  Gentlemen,"  said 
his  lordship,  pushing  down  one  of  the  windows, 
"  I  am  not  the  duke  of  Marlborough."  O  yes," 
said  a  spokesman  of  the  multitude,  "  you  are 
the  duke  of  Marlborough  :  we  know  you  well 
enough."  "  Gentlemen,"  said  lord  Peterbor- 
ough, *'  I  am  not  the  duke  of  Marlborough. 
Let  me  down,"  he  cried  to  the  chairman.     Got 


278  humourist's  own  book. 


the  duke  of  Marlborough,  I  tell  you,  and  I  will 
now  give  you  two  convincing  proofs  that  I  am 
not :  one  is,  that  I  have  but  a  single  guinea," 
and  he  turned  his  pockets  inside  out :  "  the 
other  is,  that  I  give  it  you;"  and  he  threw  it 
among  them. 

Bon  Mot  of  George  II. 

A  heavy-heeled  cavalry  officer,  at  one  of  the 
balls,  astounded  the  room  by  the  peculiar  im- 
pressiveness  of  his  dancing,  A  circle  of  affright- 
ed ladies  fluttered  over  to  the  prince,  and  in- 
quired by  what  possibility  they  could  escape 
being  trampled  out  of  the  world  by  this  formi- 
dable performer.  "  Nothing  can  be  done,"  said 
the  prince,  "since  the  war  is  over;  then  he 
might  have  been  sent  back  to  America,  as  a  re- 
publication of  the  stamp  act." 

Pulteney,  Earl  of  Bath. 

Lord  Bath  passed  for  one  of  the  wisest  men  in 
England.  "  When  one  is  in  opposition,"  was 
one  of  his  sayings,  "  it  is  very  easy  to  know 
what  to  say  :  but  when  one  is  minister,  it  is  dif- 
ficult to  know  what  not  to  say." 

Another  of  the  Same. 

Lord  Chancellor  Loughborough  told  the  Duke 
of  Bridgewater,  he  never  knew  Lord  Bath. 
"How?"  said  Bridgewater;  "  were  you  not  a 
minister  at  the  same  time  that  he  was  a  minis- 
ter.^"     "Yes,"   was  the  reply,  "personally; 


humourist's  own  book.  279 

hut  I  used  to  go  to  bod  before  twelve,  and  Lord 
Bath  never  was  himself  (that  is,  in  the  full  plen- 
itude of  his  faculties  and  gaiety)  till  after." 

Kegro  Philosophy. 

John  Canepole  was  a  small  pocket  edition  of 
humanity.  He  had  a  black  servant  who  was  a 
stout  fellow ;  and  being  a  privileged  joker, 
Sambo  let  no  occassion  pass  unimproved,  where 
he  could  rally  his  master  upon  his  diminutive 
carcase.  John  was  taken  sick,  and  Sambo  was 
sent  for  the  doctor.  The  faithful  negro  loved 
his  master,  and  upon  the  arrival  of  the  physi- 
cian looked  up  in  his  face  anxiously.  Examin- 
ing the  symptoms,  the  Doctor  pronounced  his 
patient  in  no  danger.  Reassured  by  this.  Sambo's 
spirits  returned,  and  he  indulged  his  natural  dis- 
position for  drollery.  "I  tell  you,  Doctor, 
Massa  Canepole  will  die,  cause  he  got  a  fever  !" 
"  A  fever,  you  black  dog,"  said  the  patient, 
''does  a  fever  always  kill  a  man?"  "Yes 
massa,  when  a  fever  get  into  such  a  little  man. 
it  never  hab  room  to  turn  in 
fever  no  turn,  you  die  sartin  !' 

Advantages  of  Loio  Prices. 

A  gentleman  in  one  of  the  steam-packets 
asked  the  steward,  when  he  came  round  to  col- 
lect the  passage  money  (of  6d.  each,  for  the 
best  cabin),  if  there  was  not  some  danger  of  be- 
ing blown  up.  The  latter  promptly  replied, 
"No,  sir,  not  the  least;  we  cannot  afford  to 
blow  up  people  at  these  low  prices." 


HUMOURIST  3  OWN  BOOK. 


Jacohitism. 


Lord  Peterborough,  about  the  time  of  the  rev- 
olution of  1688,  was  anxious  to  obtain  a  fine 
singing  canary  from  a  coffeehouse  keeper  in 
London,  his  mistress  having  taken  a  fancy  for 
it.  Finding  the  people  obstinately  bent  against 
selling  it,  he  at  last  contrived  to  steal  it,  leav- 
ing a  female  one  in  its  place.  Some  two  years 
after,  he  ventured  to  say  to  the  good  woman  of 
the  house,  that  he  supposed  she  would  now  take 
the  money  he  formerly  offered  for  the  bird. 
''Indeed,  sir,"  answered  she,  '•' I  would  not; 
nor  would  I  take  any  sum  for  him  ;  for, — would 
you  believe  it? — from  the  time  that  our  good 
king  was  forced  to  go  abroad  and  leave  us,  the 
dear  creature  has  not  suns  a  7iote.'" 


A  Terrible  Thing  Outterribled. 

A  dull  play-wright,  about  to  read  one  of  his 
compositions  in  the  grQ&n  room  at  Drury  Lane, 
observed,  that  he  knew  nothing  so  terrible  as 
reading  a  piece  before  such  a  critical  audience. 
'I  know  one  thing  more  terrible,"  said  Mrs 
Powell."  "  What  can  that  be  V  asked  the  au- 
thor.    "  To  be  obliged  to  sit  and  hear  it." 


Wreckers. 

The  people  at  a  certain  part  of  the  coast  of 
Cornwall,  where  wrecks  frequently  happen, 
used  to  be  so  demoralized  by  the  unrestrained 

f)lunder  of  the  unfortunate  vessels,  that  they 
ost  almost  every  humane  feeling.    It  is  said, 


HUMOURIST*S  OWN  BOOK.  281 

that  even  the  clero^y  sunk  under  the  dominion 
of  this  species  of  selfishness,  and  were  almost 
as  bad  as  the  people.  One  Sunday,  the  news 
of  a  wreck  was  promulgated  to  a  congregation 
engaged  in  public  worship ;  and  in  an  instant 
all  were  eagerly  hurrying  out  at  the  door,  to 
set  off  towards  the  spot. .  The  clergyman  here- 
upon called,  in  a  most  emphatic  voice,  that  he 
only  desired  to  say  five  more  words  to  them. 
They  turned  with  impatient  attention  to  hear 
him.  He  approached  as  if  to  address  them  ; 
when,  having  got  to  the  front  of  the  throng, 
"Now,"  says  he,  "  let  us  start  fair!"  and  off 
he  ran,  all  the  rest  following  him,  towards  the 
place  where  the  wreck  had  happened,  which, 
it  is  believed,  he  was  the  first  to  reach. 


Moderatio7i. 

The  most  confirmed  drunkard  we  ever  knew, 
was  an  old  man  in  the  land  '  of  pumpkins', 
who  possessed  the  greatest  possible  abhorrence 
for  anti-temperance.  Having  drank  nine  mugs 
of  cider  at  a  neighbour's  house,  one  evening, 
he  concluded  to  leave  off  a  pure  denial  by  ta- 
king another. — "  I  believe,  neighbour  T."  says 
old  Guzzlefunction,  "  that  I'll  take  another 
glass  of  your  cider.  I  Igve  good  cider  as  well 
as  any  body,  but  as  for  swilling  it  down  as  some 
people  do,  I  never  could-»" 

Sir  Isaac  J^ewton. 

All  the  world  has  heard  of  Sir  Isaac  roasting 
himself  before  a  great  fire,  till  informed  of  the 
possibility  of  escaping  the  fate  he  apprehended, 


282  humourist's  own  book. 

by  pushing  back  his  chair.  The  story  of  his 
employing  the  finger  of  a  lady  whom  he  was 
courting,  as  a  tobacco-stopper,  is  equally  well 
known.  Not  so  that  which  follows  : — Dr  Stuke- 
ly,  one  day,  visiting  Sir  Isaac  by  appointment, 
was  told  by  a  servant  that  the  philosopher  was 
in  his  study.  No  one  was  permitted  to  disturb 
him  there  ;  but  as  it  was  near  dinner  time,  the 
visitor  sat  down  to  wait  for  him.  After  a  time, 
dinner  was  brought  in — a  boiled  chicken  under 
a  cover.  An  hour  passed,  and  Sir  Isaac  did  not 
appear.  The  doctor  ate  the  fowl,  and,  covering 
up  the  empty  dish,  bade  the  servant  dress  ano- 
ther for  her  master.  Before  that  was  ready, 
the  great  man  came  down ;  he  apologized  for 
his  delay,  and  added,  "  Give  me  but  leave  to 
take  my  short  dinner,  and  I  shall  be  at  your 
service;  I  am  fatigued  and  faint."  Saying  this, 
he  lifted  the  cover,  and  without  any  emotion, 
turned  about  to  Stukely  with  a  smile;  "  See," 
says  he,  "  what  we  studious  people  are  ;  I  for- 
got I  had  dined." 

Indirect  Answer. 

A  person  employed  by  a  sick  gentleman  to 
read  to  him,  very  soon  evinced  a  great  aptitude 
to  stumble,  whenever  he  came  to  any  word  not 
belonging  to  his  mother  tongue.  Tired  with 
this,  at  length,  the  sick  man  asked  him  if  he 
really  pretended  to  know  any  other  language 
than  his  own.  ''  Why,  really,  sir,"  answered 
the  unfortunate  reader,  "  I  cannot  exactly  say 
I  do ;  but  I  have  a  brother  who  is  perfectly  ac- 
quainted with  French," 


humourist's  own  book.  283 


John  Bunyan. 

What  are  now  denominated  mince  pics  were 
formerly  called  Christmas  pies.  When  John 
Bunyan,  autlior  of  the  Pilgrim's  Progress,  was 
in  Shrewsbury,  gaol  for  preaching  and  praying, 
a  gentleman,  who  knew  his  abhorrence  of  any 
thing  popish,  and  wished  to  play  upon  his  pecu- 
liarity, one  25tli  of  December  sent  his  servant 
to  the  poor  puritan,  and  desired  his  acceptance 
of  a  large  Christmas  pie.  John  took  little  time 
to  consider;  but,  seizing  the  pasty,  desired  the 
messenger  to  thank  his  master,  and  "  Tell  him," 
added  he,  ''  I  have  lived  long  enough,  and  am 
now  hungry  enough,  to  know  the  difference  be- 
tween Christmas  and  pie." 

Preventive  of  Jealousy. 

A  beautitlil  young  lady  having  called  out  an 
ugly  gentleman  to  dance  with  her,  he  was  as- 
tonished at  the  condescension ;  and  believing 
that  she  was  in  love  with  him,  in  a  very  press- 
ing manner  desired  to  know  why  she  had 
selected  him  from  the  rest  of  the  company. 
"  Because,  sir,"  replied  the  lady,  "  my  hus- 
band commanded  me  to  select  such  a  partner 
as  should  not  give  him  cause  for  jealousy." 

Paying  Toll. 

A  tar  with  two  wooden  legs,  passed  over 
Hampton-bridge  the  other  day,  and  paid  the 
usual  half-penny.  Thence  he  stumped  to  a 
neighbouring  public  house,  and  asked  for  a  half 


284  humourist's  own  book. 

pint  of  beer,  saying  he  would  have  had  a  pint  but 
for  paying  the  toll.  "  Lord-  love  you,"  rejoined 
Boniface,  "'  you  had  no  right  to  pay,  you  are 
no  foot  passenger,  for  you  have  no  feet."  "  No 
more  I  an't,"  exclaimed  Jack,  "  and  shiver  my 
timbers  if  I  don't  have  it  back."  With  this  de- 
termination he  repaired  to  the  toll  keeper,  laid 
down  the  ground  of  exemption,  which  was  al- 
lowed, and  Jack  rejoiced  over  a  full  pint. 

Happiness. 
A  captain  in  the  navy,  meeting  a  friend  as  he 
landed  at  Portsmouth  Point,  boasted  that  he 
had  left  his  whole  ship's  company  the  happiest 
fellows  in  the  world.  "How  so?"  asked  his 
friend.  "  Why,  I  have  just  flogged  seventeen^ 
and  they  are  happy  it  is  over ;  and  all  the  rest 
are  happy  that  they  have  escaped." 

An  Expedient. 

The  following  anecdote  is  related  of  Sir  Ro- 
bert Walpole :  Being  afraid,  on  one  occasion, 
that  the  bishops  would  vote  against  him  in  a 
question  before  the  house  of  lords,  he  induced 
the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury  to  stay  at  home 
for  two  or  three  days,  and  circulated  a  report 
that  his  grace  was  dangerously  ill.  On  the 
day  of  meeting,  the  house  was  crowded  with 
lawn-sleeves,  not  one  of  which  voted  against 
the  court ! 


Tlie  Broom- Seller. 
Bacon  was  wont  to  commend  much  the  saying 


humourist's  own  book.  285 

of  an  old  man  at  Buxton,  who  sold  brooms.  A 
young  spendthrift  came  to  him  for  a  broom  upon 
trust,  to  whom  the  old  man  said, — "  Friend, 
hast  thou  no  money  ?  borrow  of  thy  back  and 
of  thy  belly;  they'll  never  ask  thee  for  it:  I 
shall  be  dunning  thee  every  day." 

Wit  on  a  Death-bed. 

Swift's  Stella ,  in  her  last  illness,  being  visited 
by  her  physician,  he  said,  ''  Madam,  I  hope  we 
shall  soon  get  you  up  the  hill  again."  "  Ah," 
said  she,  "  I  am  afraid  before  I  get  to  the  top  of 
the  hill,  I  shall  be  out  of  breath." 

Washington'' s  Punctuality. 

When  General  Washington  assigned  to  meet 
congress  at  noon,  he  never  failed  to  be  passing 
the  door  of  the  hall,  while  the  clock  was  stri- 
king tv.^elve.  Whether  his  guests  were  present 
or  not,  he  always  dined  at  four.  Not  unfre- 
quently,  new  members  of  congress,  who  were 
invited  to  dine  with  him,  delayed  until  dinner 
was  half  over ;  and  he  would  then  remark, 
"  Gentlemen,  we  are  punctual  here.  My  cook 
never  asks  whether  the  company  has  arrived, 
but  whether  the  hour  has."  When  he  visited 
Boston,  in  1789,  he  appointed  eight  o'clock,  A. 
M.  as  the  hour  when  he  should  set  out  for  Salem  ; 
and  while  the  Old  South  clock  was  striking 
eight,  he  was  mounting  his  horse.  The  com- 
pany of  cavalry  which  volunteered  to  escort 
him,  were  parading  in  Tremont  street  after  his 
departure,  and  it  was  not  until  the  general 
reached  Charles  River  bridge,  that  they  over- 


286  humourist's  own  book. 

took  him.  On  the  arrival  of  the  corps,  the 
general,  with  perfect  good  nature,  said,  '•  Major 

,  I  thought  you  had  been  too  long  in  my 

family,  not  to  know  when  it  was  eight  o'clock." 
Captain  Pease,  the  father  of  the  stage  estabhsh- 
ment  in  the  United  States,  had  a  beautiful  pair 
of  horses,  which  he  wished  to  dispose  of  to  the 
general,  whom  he  knew  to  be  an  excellent 
judge  of  horses.  The  general  appointed  five 
o'clock  in  the  morning  to  examine  ihem.  But 
the  captain  did  not  arrive  with  the  horses  until 
a  quarter  past  five,  when  he  was  told  by  the 
groom  that  the  general  was  there  at  five,  and 
then  fulfilling  other  engagements.  Pease,  much 
mortified,  was  obliged  to  wait  a  week  for  another 
opportunity,  merely  for  delaying  the  first  quar- 
ter of  an  hour. 


Old^  but  not  to  he  tired  on. 

A  traveller,  coming  into  the  kitchen  of  an  inn 
on  a  very  cold  night,  stood  so  close  to  the  fire, 
that  he  burned  his  boots.  A  little  boy,  who  sat 
in  the  chimney  corner,  cried  out  to  him,  "  Take 
care,  sir,  or  you  will  burn  your  spurs."  "  My 
boots  you  mean,  I  suppose,"  said  the  traveller, 
"  O  no,  sir,"  replied  the  arch  rogue,  ^^they  be 
burnt  already. 

.Another. 

One  poor  beau  told  another,  that  his  new 
coat  was  too  short  for  him.  "  True,"  answered 
he  of  the  short  skirts  :  "  I  assure  you,  how- 
ever, it  will  be  long  enough  before  1  get  ano- 
ther." 


humourist's  own  book.  287 


Hole  versus  Darn. 

Ned  Shuter  thus  explained  his  reason  for  pre- 
ferring to  wear  stockings  with  holes,  to  having 
them  darned: — '^  A  hofe,"  said  he,  ''may  be 
the  accident  of  a  day,  and  will  pass  upon  the 
best  gentleman ;  but  a  darn  is  premeditated 
poverty  J' 

Retort  Courteous. 

Dr  Busby,  whose  figure  was  much  under  the 
common  size,  was  one  day  accosted,  in  a  coffee- 
room,  by  an  Irish  baronet  of  colossal  stature, 
with,  "  May  I  pass  to  my  seat,  O  giant?"  when 
the  doctor,  politely  making  way,  replied,  "  Pass, 
O  pigmy  !"  "  Oh  sir,"  said  the  baronet,  ''  my 
expression  referred  to  the  size  of  your  intellect." 
"  And  my  expression,  sir,"  said  the  doctor,  "  to 
the  size  of  yours." 

Mist. 

"  Suppose  you  were  lost  in  a  fog,"  said  Lord 
C.  to  his  noble  relative,  the  Marchioness — 
''  what  are  you  most  likely  to  be .?"  "  Mist,  of 
course,"  replied  her  ladyship. 

George  HI.  and  the  Whigs. 

When  the  Whigs  came  into  power  in  1806, 
they  turned  out  every  body,  even  Lord  Sand- 
wich the  master  of  the  stag-hounds.  The  king 
met  his  lordship,  soon  after.  "  How  do  you 
do  V  cried  his  majesty.     '•  So  they  have  turned 


288  humourist's  own  book. 

you  off?  it  was  not  my  fault,  upon  my  honour, 
for  it  was  as  much  as  I  could  do  to  keep  my 
own  place." 

Definitions  ! 

Home  Tooke,  in  his  "  Diversions  of  Purley," 
introduces  the  derivation  of  King  Pepin  from 
the  Greek  noun  ospcr  /  as  thus, — osper,  cper, 
oper;  diaper;  napkin,  nipkin,  pipkin,  pepin 
king — King  Pepin  !  And,  in  another  work,  we 
find  the  etymology  of  pickled  cucumber  from 
King  Jeremiah  !  exempli  gratia^ — King  Jeremi- 
ah,|Jeremiah  King  ;  Jerry,  King  ;  jirkin,  girkin, 
pickled  cucumber  '  Also,  the  name  of  Mr  Fox, 
as  derived  from  a  rainy  day ;  as  thus, — Rainy 
day,  rain  a  little,  rain  much,  rain  hard,  reynard, 
Fox! 

The  Miracle. 

An  old  mass- priest,  in  the  reign  of  Henry 
Vni,  after  the  bible  was  translated,  was  read- 
ing the  miracle  of  the  five  loaves  and  two  fishes. 
When  he  came  to  the  verse  that  reckons  the 
number  of  the  guests,  he  paused  a  little,  and  at 
last  said  they  were  about  five  hundred ;  the 
clerk  whispered  in  his  ear  that  it  was  five  thou- 
sand. "  Hold  your  tongue,  sirrah,"  said  the 
priest}  "  we  shall  never  persuade  the  people  it 
was  five  thousand." 

Swearing  and  Driving. 

A  bishop  being  at  his  seat  in  the  country 
where  the  roads  were  uncommonly  bad,  went 


HUMOURIST  S  OWN  BOOK.  I^ioy 

to  pay  a  visit  to  a  person  of  quality  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood, when  his  coach  was  overturned  in  a 
slough,  and  the  servants  were  unable  to  extri- 
cate the  carriage.  As  it  was  far  from  any  house, 
and  the  weather  bad,  the  coachman  freely  told 
his  master  he  believed  they  must  stay  there  all 
niglit ;  "  For,"  said  he,  '*  while  your  Grace  is 
present,  I  cannot  make  the  horses  move." 
Astonished  at  this  strange  reason,  his  lordship 
desired  him  to  explain  himself.  "  It  is,"  said  he, 
"because  I  dare  not  swear  in  your  presence;  and 
if  I  don't  we  shall  never  get  clear."  The  bishop, 
finding  nothing  could  be  done  if  the  servant 
was  not  humoured,  replied,  "  Well  then,  swear 
a  little,  but  not  much."  The  coachman  made 
use  of  his  permission,  and  the  horses,  used  to 
such  a  kind  of  dialect,  soon  set  the  coach  at  li- 
berty. 

JVJioIcsale  Practice. 

A  physician  to  a  metropolitan  hospital,  a  few 
years  ago,  being  in  haste  to  leave  his  public  for 
his  private  duties,  was  asked  by  the  house  sur- 
geon, what  he  should  do  with  the  right  and  left 
wards  ?  "  Oh,"  exclaimed  the  other,  "what  did 
you  do  with  them  yesterday  .''"  "  By  your  direc- 
tions," said  the  surgeon,  "  I  bled  all  the  right 
ward,  and  purged  all  the  left."  '•  Good,"  repli- 
ed the  other ;  "  then,  to-day,  purge  all  the  right, 
and  bleed  all  the  left;"  and  then  leaped  into  his 
carriage. 

Lady  Hardioickc  and  her  Bailiff. 
A  bailiff,  having  been  ordered  by  lady  Hard- 


290  humourist's  own  book. 

wicke  to  procure  a  sow  of  the  breed  and  size  she 
particularly  described  to  him,  came  one  day  in- 
to the  dining-room,  when  full  of  great  company, 
proclaiming  with  a  burst  of  joy  he  could  not 
suppress,  "  I  have  been  at  Royston  fair,  my  lady, 
and  got  a  sow  exactly  of  your  ladyship's  size." 

Perfection. 

A  celebrated  preacher  having  remarked  in  a 
sermon  that  everything  made  by  God  was  per- 
fect, "  What  think  you  of  me  ?"  said  a  deform- 
ed man  in  a  pew  beneath,  who  arose  from  his 
seat,  and  pointed  at  his  own  back.  "  Think  of 
you,"  reiterated  the  preacher  ;  "  why,  that  you 
are  the  most  j^erfect  hunchback  my  eyes  ever 
beheld." 

Recovery  of  a  Spendthrift. 

A  nobleman,  whose  son  was  a  hard  drinker, 
and  had  been  cutting  down  all  the  trees  upon 
his  estate,  inquired  of  Charles  Townshend,  who 
had  just  returned  from  a  visit  to  him,  "  Well, 
Charles,  how  does  my  graceless  dog  of  a  son 
go  on  ?"  "  Why,  I  should  think,  my  lord,"  said 
Charles,  "  he  is  on  the  recovery,  as  I  left  him 
drinking  the  icoods." 

Clerical  Preferment. 

Among  the  daily  inquiries  after  the  health  of 
an  aged  Bishop  of  Durham,  during  his  indispo- 
sition, no  one  was  moro  sedulously  punctual 
than  the  Bishop  of ,  and  the  invalid  seem- 
ed to  think,  that  otlier  motives  than  those  of 


humourist's  own  book.  201 

anxious  kindness  might  contribute  to  this  soli- 
citude. One  mornintr  lie  ordered  the  messen- 
ger to  be  shown  into  his  room,  and  thus  address- 
ed him  : — *'  Be  so  good  as  present  my  compli- 
ments to  my  Lord  Bishop,  and  tell  him  that  I 
am  better — much  better  ;  but  that  the  Bishop  of 
Winchester  has  got  a  sore  throat,  arising  from  a 
bad  cold,  if  that  will  do.'" 

State  Affairs. 

A  coach  containing  four  members  of  parlia- 
ment was  overturned  in  the  Strand.  A  coun- 
tryman passing  inquired  who  were  the  unfortu- 
nate persons;  and  being  told,  "Oh,  let  them 
lie,"  cried  he,  '"'my  father  advised  me  not  to 
meddle  with  state  affairs." 


Charles  II. 

The  following  anecdote,  if  it  have  not  much 
of  the  wit,  has  at  least  a  good  deal  of  the  cha- 
racter of  '  the  Merry  Monarch.'  He  had  a 
saying  that  five  made  the  best  company.  It 
happened  that  a  recruiting  captain  was  so  re- 
markably unsuccessful  as  to  raise  only  five  per- 
sons. When  it  was  proposed  that  he  should  be 
broken  for  negligence,  the  king  inquired  how 
many  he  had  raised  ;  on  being  told,  *'  Oddsfish  !" 
cried  his  majesty,  ''  he  shan't,  for  five's  the  best 
company  in  the  world." 


Ferguson  the  Plotter. 

When  this  famous  person  was  taken  up  for 
his  concern  in  some  of  the  plots  of  the  reign  of 


292  humourist's  own  book. 

Charles  II.  and  brought  before  Lord  Nottingham 
to  be  examined,  his  lordship  said,  "  I  intend  to 
be  very  brief  with  you,  Mr  Ferguson,  and  only 
ask  one  or  two  questions;"  to  which  the  pris- 
oner replied,  with  his  usual  acrimony  of  tone, 
**  And  I  intend  to  be  as  short  as  your  lord- 
ship, and  notanswer  oneof  them."  Whereupon 
he  was  committed  to  Newgate. 

Delicacy. 

A  courtier  of  the  time  of  Charles  II. — the 
greatest  of  his  age — used  to  pay  the  following 
pretty  compliment  to  the  scruples  which  are 
entertained  by  ladies  on  the  subject  of  age  ;  he 
used  to  say  to  his  lady  every  New  Year's  Day, 
"Well,  madam,  how  old  will  your  ladyship  please 
to  be  this  year  ?" 

Example. 

Examples  make  a  greater  impression  upon  us 
than  precepts.  An  old  counsellor  in  Holborn 
used  to  turn  out  his  clerks  every  execution  day, 
with  this  compliment,  "Go,  ye  young  rogues,  to 
school  and  improve." 

Sir  Francis  Bacon. 

When  Queen  Elizabeth  made  her  famous 
procession  to  St  Paul's,  to  return  public  thanks- 
giving for  the  destruction  of  the  Spanish  ar- 
mada, the  citizens  were  ranged  along  one  side  of 
Fleet  street,  and  the  lawyers  on  the  other.  As 
the  Queen  passed  Temple  Bar,  Bacon,  then  a 
student,  said  to  a  lawyer  that  stood  next  him, 


humourist's  own  book.  293 

"Do  but  observe  the  courtiers;  if  they  bow  first 
to  the  citizens,  they  are  in  debt;  if  to  us,  they 
are  in  law." 


Transposition  of  Syllables. 

One  of  our  most  celebrated  poets,  occasionally 
a  little  absent  of  mind,  was  invited  by  a  friend, 
whom  he  met  in  the  street,  to  dine  with  him 
next  Tuesday,  at  a  country  lodcr'ing  he  had  tak- 
en for  the  summer  months.  The  address  was, 
"  Near  the  Green  Man  at  Dulwich,"  which,  not 
to  put  his  inviter  to  the  trouble  of  pencilling 
down,  our  bard  promised  faithfully  to  remember. 
But  when  Tuesday  came,  he,  fully  late  enough, 
made  his  way  to  Greenwich,  and  began  inquir- 
ing for  the  sign  of  the  Dull  Man.  No  such  sign 
was  to  be  found  ;  and,  after  losing  an  hour,  a 
person  guessed,  that  though  there  was  no  Dull 
Man  at  Greenwich,  there  was  a  Green  Man  at 
Dulwich,  which  the  gentleman  might  possibly 
mean.  This  remark  connected  the  broken  chain, 
and  our  poet  took  his  chop  by  himself 

Who  would  Groan  and  Siceat  ? 

WhenFoote  was  in  Paris,  in  the  course  of  an 
evening's  conversation  with  some  English  gen- 
tlemen, the  subject  turned  on  Mr  Garrick's  act- 
ing :  when  some  of  the  company  expressed  their 
fears  of  that  great  performer's  relinquishing  the 
stage.  ''  Make  yourselves  easy  on  that  head," 
replied  the  wit,  "  for  he'd  play  Richard  before 
a  kitchen  fire  in  the  dog  days,  provided  he  was 
euro  of  getting  a  sop  in  the  pan." 


294  humourist's  own  book. 


James  II. 


James  II.  having  appointed  a  nobleman  to  be 
lord  treasurer,  when  the  exchequer  was  in  a 
very  exhausted  state,  he  complained  to  the  king 
of  tho  irksomeness  of  the  office,  as  the  treasury 
was  so  empty.  "  Be  of  good  cheer,  my  lord," 
replied  his  majesty,  "  for  you  will  now  see  the 
bottom  of  your  business  at  once." 

Effect  of  Poetry. 

James  I.  first  coined  his  twenty-two  shilling 
pieces,  called  Jacobuses,  with  his  head  crowned. 
He  afterwards  coined  his  twenty  shilling  pieces, 
where  he  wore  the  laurel  instead  of  the  crown. 
Ben  Jonson  observed  on  this,  that  "  Poets  al- 
ways came  to  poverty  ;  King  James  no  sooner 
began  to  wear  bays,  than  he  fell  two  shillings  in 
the  pound." 

^  Seasonable  Hint. 

Dean  Cowper,  of  Durham,  who  was  very 
economical  of  his  wine,  descanting  one  day  on 
the  extraordinary  performance  of  a  man  who 
was  blind,  he  remarked,  that  the  poor  fellow 
could  see  no  more  than  "  that  bottle."  "  I  do 
not  wonder  at  it  at  all,  sir,"  replied  Mr  Drake, 
a  minor  canon,  "  for  ?/?e  have  seen  no  more  than 
*  that  bottle,'  all  the  afternoon." 


Posthumous  Travels. 
Professor  Porson  being  once  at  a  dinner  party, 


humourist's  own  book.  295 

where  the  conversation  turned  upon  Captain 
Cook  and  his  celebrated  voyages  round  the 
world;  an  ignorant  person,  in  order  to  contri- 
bute his  mite  towards  the  social  intercourse,  ask- 
ed him,  *'  Pray,  was  Cook  killed  on  his  first  voy- 
age r"  "  I  believe  he  was,"  answered  Person, 
"though  he  did  not  mind  it  much,  but  imme- 
diately entered  on  a  second." 

Hospitality. 

There  is  a  delightful  smack  of  old  England 
in  the  following  anecdote.  The  famous  Tom 
Thynne,  who  was  very  remarkable  for  his  good 
house-keeping  and  hospitality,  standing  one 
day  at  his  gate  in  the  country,  a  beggar  coming 
up  to  him,  begged  his  worship  would  give  him 
a  mug  of  his  small  beer.  "  Why,  how  now," 
said  he,  "  what  times  are  these,  when  beggars 
must  be  choosers  !  I  say,  bring  this  fellow  a 
mug  of  strong  beer." 

No  Mternatlve. 
A  porter  passing  near  Temple  Bar,  with  a 
load  on  his  shoulders,  having  unintentionally 
jostled  a  man  who  was  going  that  way,  the  fel- 
low gave  the  porter  a  violent  box  on  the  ear, 
upon  which  a  gentleman  passing,  exclaimed, 
*'  Why  my  friend,  will  you  take  that.^"  "  Take 
it,"  replied  the  porter,  rubbing  his  cheek; 
"  don't  3'-ou  see  he  has  given  it  me." 

Original  Anecdote. 
During  the    passage  of  one    of  our  elegant 


296  humourist'8  own  book. 

steamboats  down  Long  Island  Sound,  last  sum* 
mer,  a  gentleman,  not  much  accustomed  to  po- 
lished society,  came  so  late  to  the  dinner  table, 
that  he  found  it  difficult  to  obtain  a  seat.  He 
stood  some  time  with  his  hands  in  his  pocket, 
looking  wistfully  at  the  smoking  viands.  He 
was  at  last  noticed  by  the  captain,  who  relin- 
quished to  him  his  own  chair  and  plate,  when 
he  commenced  carving  a  pig  that  lay  before  him. 
Having  finished,  he  passed  portions  of  the  dish 
to  all  the  ladies  in  his  immediate  neighbourhood, 
and  then  heaped  a  plate  for  himself.  He  soon 
perceived  a  lady  who  had  not  been  served,  and 
inquired  if  she  would  be  helped  to  some  pig? 
She  replied  in  the  affirmative,  and  he  accord- 
ingly handed  her  the  plate  which  he  had  re- 
served for  himself  Her  ladyship  feeling  her 
dignity  somewhat  offended  at  so  bountiful  a 
service,  observed  with  protruded  lips,  loud 
enough  to  be  heard  all  around — "  /  don't  leant 
a  cart  load!"  The  gentleman,  at  her  remark, 
became  the  object  of  attention  to  all  at  his  end 
of  the  table,  and  determini-ng  to  retort  upon  her 
for  her  exceeding  civility,  watched  her  motions, 
and  observed  that  she  had  dispatched  the  con- 
tents of  the  plate  with  little  ceremony.  When 
this  was  accomplished,  he  cried  out,  *'  Madam, 
if  you'll  back  your  cart  up  this  way,  I'll  give 
you  another  load.'' 


THE  END. 


THE  LIBRARY 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 

Santa  Barbara 


[IS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DA' 
STAMPED  BELOW. 


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17v49 


v^V*'^MMr 


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